You’ll Be Stone Dead In A Moment
Billy Ray tried to send me the infamous (and old) Leeroy Jenkins video yesterday, which he insisted that I post. He also sent me this skydiver surviving a parachute-less plummet to the ground, which is slightly more up-to-date.
That poor bastard is going to walk funny, talk funny, and look funny for the rest of his life. And that is not funny.
…OK, that was a lie. But this is Valentines Day, the day of lies… and low self-esteem for women worldwide.
February 14th, 2007 at 1:36 am
You might have seen some of them before, wandering around our towns with their bows. They never seem to miss a single shot. I was taught always to put my hand on my purse when one of those long-ears walked by. You just can't trust them. 100 years and older they are, but they look just as young as a regular human. Wouldn't want to live that long.
There is this one elf, highly educated. It is said he lives at the border of the Dragons Valley in a cave. He is well protected by great magic.
Ah , poor Diana, my love. Only 23 springs old and already tortured by this disease. For years I have mastered every bit of magic that I know of. But yet, I am not strong enough to chase away the monster that's hurting her. For her I would risk my life.
I went to my old mentor, Gereng, for advice. Old and grumpy he is, but still willing to help young lads with their problems. He never leaves Talking island anymore. All he ever does is teach youngsters the basic of magic or play some game of magic chess with one of the elders on the island.
"Hmm, I might have something that can help you," Gereng spoke. He looked in the back of his house for an item. "It's quite old and I hardly use it anymore." He opened a box and took out a dark bowl. I had never seen anything more dark than this. Not even the night .
"Listen," he said, "this is a necromancer ball. It has the ability to capture a soul. Your girl is very sick. Her soul has been taken down by strong magic. The only thing that could possibly heal her is the mother tree. It's an ancient all-knowing tree deep inside elven forest. You can't go in there, since it's forbidden for humans or dwarfs. I remember wandering in there once, drunk as a whistle. One of those fairies set my beard on fire with a lightning spell. Hehe, I taught her a good lesson. Still have her wing."
Gereng kept bragging about all the elves he knew and how he once started an argument with the fairy queen. Gereng kept drinking too while he told me his stories. "THAT HIGHFLYER STILL OWNS ME A RAPIER! " he screamed out. I calmed him down, gave him some twig of ent to take the alcohol out of his blood.
"Listen young lad. Take your girl's soul and put it inside this necromancer ball. Then you must start a dangerous journey through the Dragons Valley. Bring the ball to my old friend. He lives in a cave at the other end of the valley. He will bring the soul to the mother tree for you."
"Go now my son. Time is of the greatest essence."
He gave me the black ball .It was as cold as the lick of a basilisk.
With the ball I went back to Giran. My beloved laid in her bed. The painful look on her face made me cry. "Oh Tremens, please take away the pain," she begged me "the only thing that keeps me alive is my love for you." I told her the plan and she agreed. It would be my first time ever that I would steal someone's soul. With a basilisks horn I started drawing the old writings of long lost magic on her arms and legs. Then i took the Drakes claw and cut 3 little scratches over her forehead. Carefully did I take the necromancers ball and lifted it closely to her. The ball sucked her soul right out of her dying heart. A scream filled the room that went through marrow and bones. For a moment I thought I would lose my sanity. The ball glowed black in my hands, but it was warm now. Maybe it was the presence of my love, Diana, that gave it the warm glow.
"I will do everything I can to heal you my love," I promised "Everything."
My trustworthy dog Bigfoot and I started our journey through Dragon valley. The beagle looked forward to the adventure and jumped up and down without getting tired. People laughed at my dog not knowing the immense strength that he had. After all, he was the only beagle ever to have taken down an ogre.
Darkness came over the valley as night set in. I cast a light spell and threw my dog some meat. I caressed the necromancer ball that laid beside me in my side bag. I knew that, when the time would come, that ball would give me all the strength I needed.
The first day was very quiet. I camped out at the entrance of the valley. There was an old abandoned farm there. The only thing that kept me awake was the constant screaming of those hellike arachnevils. I cast a fireball spell at them and they fled away. Far away I could hear the hammering of the iron forcers . The dwarfs in the guild were up to something. I wasn't really worried. Ever since the great lava flood, dwarfs hardly showed themselves around humans. The very next morning Bigfoot and I started our journey through the valley.
At high noon I had to carry Bigfoot. His feet were not harsh enough for the burning sand. Only once was I harassed by one of those skeleton marksmen. They protect Antharas' lair. My dream was to kill Antharas and bring back one of his scales. But now, the dragon was not of my concern. All that mattered was Diana.
An ogre, half blind accidentally bumped into me. "GRRRRR, MEAT, hungry." He wielded his axe in all directions. Bigfoot bit him wherever he could. I cast all my energy at the big green monster. I was exhausted but after a hard fight , finally , he felt down. I was tired, needed mana. But there was no life to suck mana from. Dragon valley is a dead country. No mana there. Bigfoot had broken a limp because of the ogre. He bled terribly. I tore some cotton of my robe and took care of the nasty wound.
"WHERE IS MY BELOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A high screaming voice cut its way through the darkness and paralyzed me with fear. "I CAN FEEEEEEEELLLL HERRRRRR, SHE IS CLOOSSSSSSSEE"
I jumped up but was immediately struck down by lightning. A shadow came out of the darkness. HE threw a flaming ball in my direction. My power shield could barely handle its heat. "YOU WILL NOT LEAVE THIS VALLEY ALIVE ! YOUR BONES WILL TURN BLACK IN THE BLISTERING HEAT OF THE VALLEY!"
A man in a black robe, with a hood over his head and a strangely shaped staff . He smelled like sulfur and his red eyes looked concentrated upon me. Or was it at my side bag he was looking? "THAT WHAT ONCE BELONGED TO ME, MUST BE RETURNED" "NEVER" I yelled back at him." I need to save my beloved with it. Only over my dead body will you obtain the necromancer ball."
The necromancer took my words rather literal as he cast a tornado that blew me 10 meters away before I smacked down on the ground. I tried to run off. Bigfoot hid behind a big rock, his tail between his legs. So much for the brave dog.
The necromancer put his staff on the ground. The ground started shaking and it was like some big monster hurled its way through the sand towards me. The impact was immense. I could do nothing to prevent his attacks. Two skeletons grabbed my arms. The necromancer came closely towards me. Bigfoot jumped up from behind the rock and started attacking the black man.
"NOOOOOOOO" I screamed with every last bit of power I had left in my body.
But it was too late. Bigfoot lay dead at the skeleton's feet.
"What was once stolen from me, is mine again." The necromancer took Diana's soul out of my side bag and stepped back.
"What should we do with him?" one of the skeletons asked.
"Feed him to the drakes." The necromancer disappeared in the darkness. My strengthless body was taken through the valley by those two skeletons. I lost conscious after a while.
The knight helped me up. She gave me a bowl of hot soup." You were lucky I saw those two "skinnies" walking around. They were no match to my katana." She smiled at me with something like pity in her eyes.
"Maybe some day you will find your beloved one back, "she said" and then you can bring her to the mother tree."
I said to her "Fame and fortune might be good for my soul. But my heart can't eat from that."
February 14th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
So...... Wheres the Leroy Jenkins video?
February 14th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
www.google.net.org/leeroy