We're Pilgrims In An Unholy Land -- Sharkey @ 12:08 pm
I was doing my usual scan-through of the news articles this morning, and found the usual droves of monotony. Robert Downey Jr. was fired for yet another drug bust, NBC unveils it's latest reality-based pile of shit, people are outraged at Eminem. Fabulous. It's 10:30 and already I want a can of Mountain Dew to perk me up. Then I cruise on over to Metafilter and see the link to an article dubbed "School Bullying Called Widespread". Here we go, more on the effemitization of the school system, I wager. I should really get out to Vegas more often. The article discusses how bullies are no longer seen as a normal part of growing up, but a serious problem with serious repurcussions on most of our children's lives. Too bad I already bought the Mountain Dew, I don't really need it anymore.

Seriously, this isn't funny anymore. I'm honestly afraid of what our school systems will be like, if and when I have kids in them. I can remember back as a child, being bullied by older kids. I was a stick back then, not very big, so it stood to reason that kids a couple years older than me could easily stuff me into a garbage can full of freshly cut grass when I was in kindergarten. And I remember handling the situation rather well, it wasn't traumatizing or life-scarring, it was just part of growing up. I always thought it was important to learn from early on that some people in life are just jerks, and you need to deal with them appropriately. Unfortunately, now the appropriate action is to tattle and have the other child sent to counseling. Who knew this would be the perk of an advanced society?

I can remember on Nickelodeon, there were those "Special Delivery" flicks that came on every now and again. Usually some hour-and-a-half piece filmed up in Canada about life lessons and whatnot, chock full of moral values for my innocent mind to absorb. And I can remember one in particular that was really great, it vividly stands out in my mind as a benchmark for those sappy afternoon films that try to teach as well as entertain. It was about a kid who made fun of the school bully by scrawling his name under a picture of a neanderthal in the hallway outside of class. As he defaced the evolution chart, he turns around, and there's the big lummox, towering over him.

"I'll...see...you...after...school!" the bully growled, poking the kid in the chest with every word.

The kid agonized over what to do about the problem. All day his friends gave him advice, to run away, to fight back, to tell someone about the problem, etc. Finally the kid sucked it up, and met the bully at the run-down movie theatre. The kid stood up to the bully, took a couple of socks to the face, but held his ground. The bully stopped the beating when he realized that the kid wasn't afraid, and left with respect for him.

The message to be learned was incredibly simple, and was fueled into my subconscious for most of my formative years: Stand up for yourself, beleive in yourself. A sound message to send to kids, a positive lesson which seems to be lacking in television today. Or so I thought.

Nowadays we seem to send the message: "Don't stand up for yourself, let someone else fight your battles for you." Somehow I'm not seeing how we can shape future world leaders and confident adults out of these kids with such sissified morals. It just eludes me how we can raise these children to beleive that there are no bullies in life, that they won't ever have to fear persecution by anyone because an empathetic "mother figure" will always be around to rap the wrist of any person who treats them disrespectfully. But maybe I'm just a bad American. Or maybe I'm not PC enough, or maybe I'm just another white Republican who has to use mysogyny and racial slurs to "devalue" others because I'm concerned about my own penis size. Or so your typical brand of regurgitated combacks would have me believe. Personally I'm aghast that Generation X will be the last to be brought up with values that were instituted (or so they taught us) to build leadership skills and character.

Sometimes I wonder if the elimination of team-building games, leadership-building skills, and social activities in schools is some sort of plot to turn our kids into drones. Think about it, a future filled with pacifistic adults, all of them scared to death of physical contact with others, trembling at the thought of taking on a leadership role. Eliminate the jerks, the jocks, and a host of other archetypes, and all we have left is one bland set of children marching to the beat of the same drum. I don't think it's going to work.

Or maybe the Mountain Dew's caffinated effects just kicked in. If you'll excuse me, I have to pee, and pray for the future of my unborn children.

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Tuesday, April 24, 2001

Why You Kids Should Always Call Home -- Sharkey @ 6:24 pm
A Romanian couple were called to identify a body which was dead from a drug overdose as the remains of their missing son, Stefan. They buried him two days later. And after three more days, he came sauntering on up to the front door of their house. Uh, wrong body, Mom & Dad. What's for dinner?

Stefan Balogh, who is 45, returned home from his girlfriend's house after a week away to find his parents would not let him in. Five days earlier they were called to identify a body found dead from a drug overdose at a flat belonging to a friend of their son. They told police it was Stefan.

His mother was so disturbed she had to be taken to a psychiatric hospital and his father had to be heavily sedated.

Yeah, I'd say that a posthumous visit from your son would be just cause for a little trip to the nut-house. I was going to comment on the lecture on drugs that they'd deliver to their boy after such a fiasco, but then I remembered that this "son" is 45 years old. He still lives with his friggin' parents. Damn straight he's doing drugs, and with good reason.

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Eyes To Skull: Here Comes The Hammer -- Sharkey @ 4:50 pm
Time for what will undoubtedly be another utterly pointless meeting. Wish me luck, I may not take any prisoners.

Update: Wow. My time was not wasted. I thought a productive meeting was an oxymoron. I think I need to lay down.

This must be what happens when you remove all supervisors and VPs from the meeting. All bullshit posturing is thrown out the window and only the people who care about saving time and energy are left in the room. No more droning on about mission statements, productivity, and most importantly, nobody says the word "proactive". Man, if I could find the yuppie exec who re-popularized that term, I'd cram his Mont Blanc pen down his weaseling little throat.

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Feet And Mouths Do Not Mix -- Sharkey @ 12:00 pm
Seems that there are three suspected cases in Britain of foot-and-mouth disease in humans. They don't seem too concerned, as the disease's effects in humans resemble that of a mild flu. That, and the fact that one of the guys who contracted the disease got it from moving a bovine carcass which exploded and got into his mouth. Mmmm.

The slaughterman, who had been working with infected livestock in the north of England, was ``moving a decomposing carcass of a cow and that carcass exploded and the fluid went into his mouth,'' Prime Minister Tony Blair's spokesman said.

That's a really shitty day, you know? I mean, you're scrapin' by on a slaughterhouse's wages, your wife is probably some craggy-toothed piece of euro-trash, you got five screaming kids to look forward to at home. Then one day your boss tells you to move a dead cow carcass, so you start shoving, and the damned body explodes. Now you're covered in entrails and cud and shit, and it's in your mouth. Just what you needed, right? So you go vomit up some cow guts, wipe off your face and finish off your day at work. The next day you're at the doctor, and he tells you you're the first guy out of a few billion people to contract the damn disease during this epidemic. Just your fuckin' luck, eh?

Wow. All of the sudden I feel so much better about myself. I mean, no matter how shitty your day is at work, at least you haven't got cow entrails in your mouth, right?

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Re: Mac OS -- Jeff @ 9:08 am
It seems that Sharkey is in the mood to start an OS holy war. While I might in the past have arisen to the challenge of a full-on fight with bb guns over this situation, I'm now far too lazy to actually do anything physical towards our fearless leader.

What I do want to point out is that we need to look at the performance these OSes show in the most important thing a computer can do: rendering monkeys in 3D video games. Note: this is just a raw evaluation of FPS – banana and fecal slinging are optional add-ons. Also, no flavors of *NIX are shown, because they suck at rendering monkeys... however, they kick ass at running little pictures of penguins.

3D MONKEY FPS STANDINGS

Chimpanzees

Windows ME: 60.8
Mac OS X: 4098239857903487.3

Howlers

Windows ME: 74.9
Mac OS X: 6937410857966329.1

Gibbons

Windows ME: 32.8
Mac OS X: 9999939857903487.1

As you can see, the Mac OS is better suited for mofos than any other OS. Cry me a river, Windows users.

UPDATE: Could you people take things a little less seriously? Go to osOpinion if you want to duke it out over which OS tickles your g-spot.

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Monday, April 23, 2001

Good Lord, It's Got Firewire Capabilities! Run! -- Sharkey @ 3:22 pm
[ Burbank Airport "Bomb Scare" over Titanium Powerbook ]

Hundreds of people's flights delayed over a damned Powerbook. Still, I'd be pretty sketchy over such a fine piece of machinery running such a shitty OS. ;)

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Avoiding The Real Issue -- Sharkey @ 12:10 pm
I normally don't like to get this serious on a Monday, but a lot of you sent in this article regarding the family of Dave Sanders, a teacher killed at the Columbine shootings, who have filed a $5 billion lawsuit against the entertainment industry. I wouldn't comment on this ludicrous claim, but some of these comments are just so inane that I have to speak up.

Thompson said Columbine victims might have an even better case, and called the suicidal rampage "the Pearl Harbor of America's culture war."

That is the most idiotic thing I've heard all day. Not to sound insensetive or anything, because these shootings are serious tragedies. But for cryin' out loud, Pearl Harbor was a formal act of war. Who are we warring against now? The game companies? Ourselves? This isn't about the Nazi's and their plans for genocide, this is about a bunch of children who just want some fucking attention.

He called on Carmack to prohibit the sale and distribution of all video games rated for mature audiences to children under 17 - and to do it by April 30. The letter did not specifically threaten a lawsuit, but the statute of limitations for Evan Todd won't expire until he turns 18 in June.

Carmack couldn't be reached for comment.

This one I didn't understand. Was he asking Roundhead (Carmack) to pull all rated M games from the shelves, or just his own? Either way, he really doesn't have the power to do so. You can download most of his older stuff, including Doom, which are the games under fire in the lawsuit.

When?!? When are these people going to stop trying to blame someone else for these disasters? Are they blind to the patterns? Not all of these kids played violent videogames folks, but every single one of them was an "outcast" or "lonely and misunderstood". They wanted attention. They shot up their schools to get it. In the end, we gave them exactly what they wanted. Perhaps if their parents were around to keep them from playing games that they aren't supposed to, things wouldn't be so far out of hand.

I beleive wholeheartedly in the policies set in place by our founding fathers. But I do wonder if they'd reword the "freedom of press" amendment if they knew what was coming. If these kids didn't think they'd be immortalized on the five o' clock news, do you beleive they'd still go on a rampage? I wonder.

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I Don't Know Nothin' Bout Birthin' No Babies Miss Scarlet! -- Sharkey @ 10:52 am
eBay: A lovely photo you can treasure forever

Lovely Mother's Day gift, apparently. New Mexico residents add 5.37% sales tax.

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Sunday, April 22, 2001

Workout -- KlfJoat @ 9:48 pm
One word: Ouch

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Don't You Hate Pants? -- Sharkey @ 4:52 pm
I finally got another playlist up for BAMF Radio, with nothing but swank video game remixes. If you don't like game music, then disregard this post and go spend your Sunday doing something constructive. But if you do, by all means, have a listen. Stuff from Orchestral Game Concert, some Minibosses stuff, Jenova Project, etc. There's also some all new PSA's for you to enjoy as well, since you guys told me how much you love 'em.

I figure I'll have the hard rock BAMF mix up next weekend or so. I'll probably swap the mixes out once a week, and if you've got anything to contribute or request, just e-mail me.

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Friday, April 20, 2001

Public Service Announcement -- Sharkey @ 4:20 pm
There's something I was supposed to tell you guys. Hmmm....

Oh right. Stay in school.

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Your Honor, May I Play Some "Boyz II Men" For The Court? -- Sharkey @ 1:37 pm
This is one of those stories that makes me smile on the inside. It's gotta take some really bad wiring to lead someone to stalk his ex girlfriend for nearly twenty years. But it takes complete insanity, and balls of granite for that guy to hop up and propose to the girl as she sits on the witness stand, testifying against him. *Sigh* It's gonna be a great Friday, I can tell already.

John K. Flora, acting as his own attorney, retrieved a box holding a diamond engagement ring that was in evidence, opened it and walked toward the woman. "Marry me," he pleaded as she jumped up and fled through a nearby door. "You mean everything to me!" he continued as he was tackled by a sheriff's detective. "Please!"

Flora sobbed as he was held face down on the floor by Detective Bill Roberts and custody Officer Hugh Godick, who handcuffed him then lifted his legs and shackled him.

*Sniffle* What a beautiful love story. You know, I've yet to even conceive of asking a woman to marry me. But you can bet your sweet ass I'm making a mental note on things to be concerned with when popping the big question. Screw whether or not she'll say "yes", I'd just like to leave without being shackled face down on the floor. You gotta have priorities, my friends, and dignity should be somewhat high on that list. But hey, if you want to be chased out of a girls home by her mother and her .22-caliber rifle, all in the name of love, that's your prerogitive.

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Headlines That Just Don't Sound Right... -- Sharkey @ 10:54 am
[ Michael Jackson to study child slavery problem in Africa ]

Disturbed by reports of child slavery, Michael Jackson says he plans to travel to Africa to study the problem. "The existence of child slavery shakes me to my very core," the pop star, a father of two, said in a statement Thursday.

I'm sorry, but does anybody else find something a bit off about that one?

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Thursday, April 19, 2001

Monkey Trouble -- Sharkey @ 4:27 pm
I got an email from Glass (of Neoflux) who was a little concerned over the future of the MoFo Army, what with enemies like this ready to fight our simian comrades.

Well class, listen up, cuz it's time General Sharkey schooled you all on how the MoFo Army is in preperation for more than just the so-called "Robot Menace". In videos like this, (thanks Silverweed) you can see how we've been training our various militias in numerous styles of self defense. For example, there's our Bolshevik Division in Russia, who have spent the last three years training with elite members of Spetsnaz. I figure if the commies are gonna start shit, we'd better at least have Russian-trianed monkeys on our side. Besides, I figure if I leave groups trained in various martial arts and weaponry techniques together for about five years, the simian bastards will evolve their own superior method of attack. That, or they'll try to kill each other. Either way, we'll have them in arenas where you can gamble on the outcome, and free balloons for the kids. And don't forget, every Friday night we can toss another worthless pile of Hollywood-hyped carbon in the pit, like Barbara Streisand. Fun and excitement for the whole family.

So as you can see, we've taken a very serious stance on the killer robot issue, and I beleive that when they are deployed, the MoFo Army will tear them to ribbons. And if there's any trouble, I figure we'll call in the drunkened elephant squad for some backup.

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Gillette's Mach-3 Razor Is Already Outdated -- Sharkey @ 10:49 am
[ NASA to unveil X-43 Aircraft capable of Mach-10 speeds ]

Screw the Mile High Club, I want into the Mach-10 Club.

Unfortunately we can't look forward to any passenger planes with this sort of system in the near or distant future. The speeds involved, as well as the friction produced from turning would require more vomit bags than a women's strip club if Harry Knowles showed up on amateur night. *shudders*

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Stick-Based Hilarity -- Sharkey @ 12:51 am
Xiao Xiao No. 3 (aka - Rampant stick death)

Badass Flash-based stick humor. I figured I'd better post this before I get another twenty of you asking me to link it =)

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Wednesday, April 18, 2001

Poppapishu! -- Sharkey @ 1:06 pm
Got a few more additions to the Painful Videos section today. I hope they help you get through your day at work as much as they help me get through mine.

Boatfall.mpg (644K) - Tard goes falling off a boat. Is he trying to take his mother down with him?
Crash.mpg (661K) - Oh man, I laughed so hard when I saw this on TV. You just don't see it coming.
Gymnast.mpg (840K) - Good sweet Christmas, I'm surprised her neck doesn't snap.
HydrantJump.avi (903K) - Thanks to B.D. for sending this one in. Skater misses a jump over a fire hydrant
JumpFlip.mpg (624K) - Stupid kids, always trying to imitate Jackass. And this time it's gonna cost you in chiropractor bills.

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Get up, get on up...Stay on the scene, like a sex machine... -- Merseian @ 12:10 pm

Fellas, I'm ready to get up and do my thing
I wanta get into it, man, you know....
Like a, like a sex machine, man,
Movin'... doin' it, you know...

Thats what's going through the minds of the modern nerd according to the register, that they're "Rampant Sex Machines"...I'm sure the boys at geeklife will be strutting around thinking they're the shit for the next week or so... they are, but the strutting looks gay...ben does it often I hear.

Adult male nerds have sex more often than ordinary American blokes according to IT recruitment site JustTechJobs.com.

Following a survey of more than 7,500 male nerds it concluded that this often-maligned group has sex 108 times a year compared to the average of just 79 times.

The results have staggered those behind the survey who've concluded that it's "chic to be geek".

This of course excludes Bence who though he claims to be an IT professional now (experience required jackass) he's still a fuckin virgin I believe.

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I'll Skip The Obvious Jerry Maguire Gag -- Sharkey @ 11:06 am
Seems that the breakup between Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise is getting a little bit complicated, since Tom wants to keep his money. Hey, with the amount that he has to tithe to good ol' L. Ron, who can blame him? It's gotta cost a shitload to cleanse a spirit vessel or whatever after a divorce. And if I lost a hottie like Nicole, I'd... well, I wouldn't join a cult. Let's face it, if I were Tom Cruise and Nicole just dumped my ass, I'd be out shacking up with the first gorgeous 18 year old starlet that can remember Top Gun. But hey, I could be wrong, electro-shock treatment and brainwashing weekends might be better than this.

I'm joking. Tom is an idiot.

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It Was A Glorious Time, Where Stupidity Reigned As King -- Sharkey @ 2:49 am
Well, it's a good thing we've got the whole dot-com crash out of the way. Why? Because now smarmy pricks can come in and diagnose what caused the whole damn thing, when we should've known what was wrong before it happened.

Surely, amid the rubble that was the Internet bubble, there must be some lessons we can all learn. Some of these are so obvious it's almost too embarrassing to list them. But since (presumably) smart people parted with their money, I'm going to go ahead list them anyway.

Shit, these are incredibly obvious. I must have met with about fifty different companies that had these things all bass-ackwards, and I remember laughing at all of them. Then I'd find out that someone at my company enjoyed their presentation, and I'd want to kill myself. No wait, not me, them. With blunt objects.

Can anyone else in the class bring up some painfully obvious points that some of the guys listed over here may have forgotten?

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Tuesday, April 17, 2001

Go Back To Your Homes, There's Nothing For You Here -- Sharkey @ 5:01 pm
You know, it surprises me just how many of you have written in expressing concern over the fate of electronicwhore.com, especially considering she stopped writing here because of some of you bastards. Yeah that's right, next time I hire a hot intelligent girl to write on this site, you keep your damn mouths shut and be happy like me. I...ah screw it, got off on another tangeant.

Anyway, I got the word straight from Jacquie that Ewhore will be back soon, with a new layout. She's apparently just taking a short break at the moment. In the meantime, look at the pic to the left and be content.

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Reader Submitted Elephant Goodness? -- Sharkey @ 4:24 pm

From: Drystan
Subject: Why elephants will eventually rule the world

These two stories both appeared on the human interest page of Reuters today.

This dumbass can't pull off a couple of bank robberies without inadvertently turning himself in

Whilst in India a few simple elephants have managed to take over a whole village

Personally, I consider any animal smart enough to steal booze from us humans a serious threat to our survival.

Ryan Twitchell aka Drystan

While I agree that elephants are indeed a threat to mankind, we have the MoFo Army backing us. In fact, one squad of my simian whordes could drink any pack of elephants under the table. It's a prerequisite to the training. Still, it would be a great boon to our cause to have the elephants on our side. Therefore I am dispatching some of my elite negotiating chimps to the scene, in order to bring our alcoholic elephant friends over to the winning team. Besides, I want some of this liquor. If the elephants want it this bad, there's gotta be a damn good reason.

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HASAAAAN CHOP! -- Sharkey @ 12:12 pm
You know, it's always great to kick back and relax after a hard days work, and put back a few cold ones with your buddies at the local bar. That is, unless some kitana-wielding maniac comes in and starts slashing people left and right. Man, I hate it when that happens.

The man was believed to be have become involved in a dispute with the doormen at J’s Vodka Bar. He left after the argument and returned 40 minutes later armed with a sword with a 3ft blade.

James Isom, the owner of J’s Vodka Bar, said: “This bloke turned up with a sword, we enforced our safety policy and he got carted away by police. My staff acted extremely bravely and prevented anyone else getting hurt.”

This is why it would've been great to live in the Star Wars universe, around the time of Episode 1. Some sword-flingin' asshole comes in trying to ruin everyone's good time, all of the sudden the young Obi-Wan steps up, lops his arm off, scans the room like a hardass, and sits back down. Then the Mos Eisley Cantina music could start back up, and everybody can enjoy their drinks. Of course, you do run the risk of getting drunk and waking up next to something like this.

Yeah, I know I'm a dork. But I'm at work and I'm bored, so leave me the Hell alone. Unless of course, you're an attractive woman who finds my encyclopedic knowledge of video games and love for the Star Wars Trilogy a turn-on. Actually, if that's true, you're almost certainly a man in drag, and I want you to leave my site right now. Why must you lie?

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Think He Could Finagle A Presidential Pardon? -- Sharkey @ 11:04 am
[ Creator of The West Wing arrested for possesion of illegal mushrooms ]

Well, maybe they were uh... for settling his stomach. Sure, he could've wanted to vomit up whatever he could before the plane took off. Uh... on his way home to see his wife...uh... Morgan Fairchild. Yeah... that's the ticket.

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Monday, April 16, 2001

Tantra Baby... -- Sharkey @ 9:34 pm

From: Foot Long
Subject: For a good laugh

Check this site out...

http://www.cbphobby.com/stuff/fake.html

--Foot Long

Ahhh... if only it were that easy.

And if you guys are looking for a little more, check this and this. No need to read 'em at work, unless you want your coworkers asking questions. And the 14 year olds need not read it, you guys should be thankful of anything you can get.

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Hooray For Boobies -- Sharkey @ 3:27 pm
I got a bunch of people emailing me today with the pics of Anna Kournikova sunbathing topless, and I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. And a special thanks to llamasex from drunkenlosers.com who sent me a link to all of the pics. Enjoy.

It's yo duty to click on dat booty!

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Babs sticks humongous nose where it doesn't belong...AGAIN -- Merseian @ 11:51 am
Someone please please put that fucking gash out of our misery once and for all. Now granted I don't think bush is the smartest peanut in the turd, but just because the ugly whore makes some movies and music that raging homosexual men and ugly cows like, doesn't mean she qualifies as a political guru. Now she wants her own "all democrat channel". I don't care if you're democrat, republican or what...no one with a shred of intelligence is listening to what the stupid bitch is saying thankfully.

But don't wear out your thumb clicking on the remote in search of Babs-TV. One insider inadvertantly compared the political assessment of the idea to the 1987 movie she produced and starred in.

"Everybody told her it was nuts," one source told the magazine.

Suuuuuuuure lets segregate the people even more you stupid whore....its not like we don't still have racial problems now on top of that lets throw gasoline on the fire and get political parties to separate even more over news issues....tell ya what why don't you go and just fucking separate completely if you're so damn unhappy with how this country is being run...go form babstopia or some shit and take all your screaming queen fans with you.

Props to Hojo for pointing out the link.

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I'll Have A Refreshing Drink, Hold The Refreshment Please -- Sharkey @ 11:44 am
Well, another Easter has come and gone. That means the standard Sunday brunch with the family, and basically my last chance to enjoy Peeps with the holiday as a valid excuse. Not that I ever let that stand in the way, I eat the gooey bastards no matter what time or season.

So as I joined three of the most important women in my life, I noticed these tiny little glasses filled with orange juice awaiting me at the table. Immediately my Mother knew my reaction and laughed. I chug liquids like Knowles must eat small children. And they expect me to drink out of this shotglass all damn day? I don't think so. I flagged down the waiter.

"Hey pal, can you maybe leave the pitcher behind, or grab me a glass that didn't come from a little girl's tea set?"

"Sorry...can't leave pitcher..."

"Well can you wait a sec while I shoot all of the..."

Too late, he walked away. I figured I could start shooting orange juice like a madman, and keep the sucker refilling all morning. Yeah, nice revenge for him ignoring me. Not nearly as satisfying as say, cramming a few baby glasses of OJ down his weaseling little throat. But hey, it was Easter and I was in a good mood, so I settled for stealing the glass as a memento. I also drank everyone else's orange juice in sight.

I slapped up a picture of the glass for you all, so that you know I'm not lying about it's miniscule size. That hotel-sized bottle of whiskey nearly dwarfs the sucker. Tragic. What do you think, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow?

Storm Shadow: Les' drink this mothafucka and fo'get all dat noise!
Snake Eyes: *braaaap* West Siiiiiiide! *hiccup*

Hey, even Cobra elite can have good ideas every now and again. Yo Joe.

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This Is Why MoFos Prefer Birthday Pie -- Sharkey @ 10:43 am
Even though I disliked a lot of the people I went to high school with, it was still a fun time. Especially when Wags and I were pulling pranks to liven things up. And it's good to know that the torch is being carried after we left. For example, a fledgeling MoFo who dove into his school's anniversary cake, splashing frosting in front of a crowd of dignitaries. Unfortunately, his principal didn't find it quite so funny, and had him hauled off to the pokey. *sniff* Ah, the good ol' days...

The arrest came 11 days after the incident, during a scheduled meeting with the school principal, said Sarah Fisher, Jamieson's mother, who watched as school police handcuffed her son. "I said, 'This is absolutely incredulous,'" Fisher said. "There are many ways you could have handled this without taking it to this level."

Superintendent Joe Redden came to the same conclusion. On Tuesday, at Redden's request, county court officials dropped misdemeanor charges of criminal trespass and disruption of school.

If I were that kid, I'd hold my head high and proud for such a feat. For one thing, he got the superintendent to kick down the principal's punishment. Secondly, he's got to be a living legend at his school. He should seriously start thinking ahead to what his senior prank will be, 'cuz the pressure is gonna be on for him next year.

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Nothin' To Do, Nowhere To Go-Oh -- Sharkey @ 12:53 am
Well, I just heard about it on the news about an hour ago, and I hop online and already you guys are writing in to tell me about it. Joey Ramone, lead singer of The Ramones, died yesterday at the age of 49. (thanks for the link killerhairdo) He was hospitalized last month due to lymphoma, which is the speculated cause of death. Most of the news sites only had a bunch of fluff crap about the history of the band & whatnot (like they give a shit) but mtv.com did hadve this to throw in:

The towering front man, born Jeffrey Hyman, did not respond to treatment for lymphatic cancer, a disease that attacks the body's ability to fight infection.

Joey kept a low profile over the past few years, jumping onstage to belt out occasional Ramones songs at birthday parties in his honor thrown by his punk-rocker friends in New York. In February 2000, he buried the hatchet with former Ramones drummer Marky Ramone, recruiting Marky to play on a handful of his solo songs.

Anyone here remember the first Ramones song they ever heard? Mine was "Blitzkrieg Bop" from National Lampoon's Vacation which was of course directed by Harold Ramos. Anyway, the Ramones did a lot for music today, and a lot of people appreciate it, so rest in peace Joey.

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Saturday, April 14, 2001

Special advance announcement -- KlfJoat @ 2:59 pm
Last weekend, I linked the Internet Adult Film Database. This weekend, as a special treat for all you old-skool mofos, I am able to announce a special addition to the site. The IAFD management has authorized me to publicly announce, one day early, the opening up of the pre-1989 portion of their database. Previously, data on porno movies before 1989 were unavailable on the IAFD site, not because the data was not there, but because it was embargoed. Sunday, April 15, 2001, on the 7th anniversary of the existence of rec.arts.movies.erotica, this embargo will be lifted, and the entire catalogue of IAFD movies will be available, including scene-by-scene breakdowns of landmark movies such as Caligula, Debbie Does Dallas and Deep Throat.

This will truly be welcome for all of us who harken back to the days when porn movies actually had plots. Yes, they used to have plots. No, I'm not joking. Yes, I AM talking about hardcore porn.

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Friday, April 13, 2001

Making Up For Starring With Assface -- Sharkey @ 12:42 pm
Apparently while in North Carolina shooting the upcoming flick Domestic Distrubance with John "Assface" Travolta, Steve Buscemi and Vince Vaughn got into a barroom brawl with some locals. Vaugh ended up in jail, Buscemi ended up in the hostpital.

Police say Buscemi was stabbed in the throat, head and arm in the fight at the Firebelly Lounge around 2 a.m. Thursday. He was treated at a hospital and released.

One witness said the fight started when Vaughn began talking to the girlfriend of one of the men at the nightclub. Tempers got heated and people went outside, where the fighting escalated.

Man, why you North Carolina hicks gotta go and stab Mr. Pink like that? Peter, you and Mr. Art Gallery got some 'splainin to do about your fellow uh... North Carolinians.

Although I will admit that I'd have to slap around anyone who would even conceive of starring opposite Assface after Crapperfield Earth. But just enough to rattle 'em to their senses. Shankin' them would just be a little extreme for my taste.

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Thursday, April 12, 2001

"Multi-User Shared Hallucination" sounds better than "Everquest" -- KlfJoat @ 8:32 pm
Faaq approached me on AIM last week with an FTP site to download Michael Jackson's single, Black & White. I declined, for obvious reasons. But apparently there's a computer game with the same name, Black & White, and it is spying on its players.

I'm sorry, is it just me, or are all these online gaming communities like Ultima Online, Asheron's Call, and Evercrack, just like MUDs and MUSHes with graphics? I've got a friend who plays UO. From the way she describes it, it reminds me of LORD. (old-skool BBS game)

I think this whole online gaming community thing is a bunch of crap.

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I Defy You Son Of Jor-El! -- Sharkey @ 5:10 pm
Since I have the day off tomorrow, today is really like Friday for me. So now you get some random thoughts for a Friday, because quite frankly, I'm feeling rather random at the moment.

I'm seriously not fit to be anybody's boss, I swear. I mean, I've been a manager before, a supervisor, whatnot, but I should never be in control of your paycheck. As they distributed mine to me today, I began fantasizing about what I'd do if I were the one dispensing checks. I'd probably find the person in the office with the worst sense of humor possible, and I'd hide their check at a random location in the office. Then I'd say, "Hey Joe, it's payday! But only if you can find your paycheck before the close of the business day. You'd better get moving, because rabid hobos are on the loose looking for it as well, and they've got billy clubs with your name on 'em! Sniff it out, bitch!"

You think I'd get reported to the Better Business Bureau for the "bitch" comment?

Another thing, at work we've got these great high-powered toilets. I mean, these aren't your standard suction shitters, I'm talking about a high powered suck-n-blow system. It's like there's a fire hose inside that porcelain hide. You can bet your sweet ass I'll have one of these bad boys in my future home. Anyway, some asshole keeps clogging the damn thing, which seems to be a complete physical impossibility. I mean, this thing is a humongous toilet, with enough suction power to pull my leg into it's siphon tube, and spits water all over when it self cleans. Yet somehow, someway, this dirtbag clogs the goddamn thing at least once a month.

I want to know who it is, so that I can kick them for causing me to look at whatever mess can accomplish this feat. What, you think I'm gonna shake his hand for a job well done? His dump can clog the king-of-all-toilets, I don't ever want to touch him!

And if you can guess all of the answers to my quiz o' self-indulgence, I bow to your attention-paying-skills. I really have no other way to end this post gracefully, so I... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!

*door slams*

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Windows XP: 'X-Treme Persecution' -- Sharkey @ 2:42 pm
[ Microsoft tries to make MP3s obsolete with Windows XP ]

NO! No me gusto el Windows Media Audio. No es muy macho, como Richard Lewis. No te lavase los dientes con Gleem!

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Neighborly Love -- Sharkey @ 11:53 am
You know, we had a couple of asshole neighbors while I was growing up. But we never, ever had problems like these people. Apparently you Canucks know how to have a neighborhood feud.

On one side was a woman so enraged by the couple next door that she lobbed dead birds, eggs, grease and spray paint over the fence, scratched their cars, let down their tires and scrawled abusive messages on their No Trespassing sign.

On the other was a pair who retaliated by mounting a video-surveillance camera outside their house, along with a public-address system to broadcast insults at the apoplectic woman.

Yikes, and that doesn't even cover half of the fucked up things these people went through. Acid on cars, messing with the dogs, phone harrassment, this must have been one insane street to live on at the time. I want to be the guy who lived directly opposite to these people, it must have been quite a show. Of course, I'd be instigating the whole mess. As soon as things quited down, you know I'd be out there flattening a few tires just to spark the flames of anger again.

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Nooooooooo!!! -- Merseian @ 8:40 am
I read this and I wept.

DUBLIN, Ireland –– A strike threatens to slow the flow of Ireland's beloved Guinness beer.

More than 1,000 Guinness brewery workers went on strike Thursday, halting production at Ireland's dominant brewery and raising fears that the country might soon suffer shortages of the dark stout beer.

Fuck that damn near gave me a heart attack. To think I could be denied my lifes blood. I dunno how many times I've drank my dinner. Guinness is like a liquid meal in a can. Thank god they have breweries in over 40 other countries besides Ireland that aren't affected by the strike. This needs to be resolved and soon...if the MoFo's and I are denied our yummy beer of darkness theres no telling what we'll resort to...like like damnit we'd have to settle for beamish and murpheys...now theres nothing wrong with those fine brews, but they just don't have that smooth guinness taste damnit!

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Robber Foiled While Getting That 'Perfect Tan' -- Sharkey @ 1:22 am
Mediocre plan, piss-poor execution. JR sent me a story about a 17 year old bank robber who tried to dodge cops by ducking into the nearby tanning salon, and ordering a quick half hour in the booth. This might have worked, had he not run into the store, completely out of breath. The owner, suspicious, called the cops while he was catching a few artificial rays.

*Pity clap* Great job, numbnuts.

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Wednesday, April 11, 2001

BAMF Radio -- Sharkey @ 6:50 pm
Hey, it's free, why the Hell not? I get e-mails all the time from people asking what kind of music I listen to, now you can listen to basically the same stuff I do while I sit in my cubicle, wishing I was outside.

Make with the clickin' for the swank tunes

Today is mostly newer stuff (ie: late-90s to present). I'll try to alternate the playlists throughout the week if you guys like it. There's a couple hours' worth of music in there now, I'll upload much more if enough of you listen. Anyway, let me know what you think. I'm outta here.

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Woe is Europe -- KlfJoat @ 6:42 pm
Many of you may be familiar with the term "DMCA", referring to the American congressional act which has been the bane of existence for MP3.com, Napster, and DeCSS. But how many of you know what it actually says? Here is a story about a similar law that was just passed for the European Union. It is one of the simplest explanations of the DMCA I've ever seen... and the scary part is that Europe now has a law as insane as the DMCA is.

Like the American Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), the Directive makes an absolute mockery of fair use, creating specific exceptions only for libraries and schools, and placing the entire process of making source material available in the hands of the copyright owners.

"Firstly, right-holders have complete control over the manufacture, distribution, etc. of devices designed to circumvent anti-copying devices. A more flexible solution in this regard would have carried a greater risk of abuse and piracy."

That's some fine balance there, all right: "complete control." What this would mean in practical terms is really quite simple: no more independent criticism of copyrighted digital works, period.

The prospects are scary. In one of the stories below, Sharkey quotes a passage about "fair use". "Fair use", in copyright and trademark law, is actually one of the bases of our free speach, believe it or not. What fair use means is that people like us who comment on companies, movies, music, etc., may parody trademarked phrases, post clips of copyrighted works, and list lyrics. These things are legal without prior clearance, because we don't reproduce the items in full, and are doing it so you know what we are commenting about. That portion I quoted above would be illegal without fair use laws. Jay Leno would be dead in the water if he couldn't make fun of products in his skits.

These companies are getting entirely too much power in their industry. If they want to stop copying, they should embargo DVD pressing equipment. It's not necessary to crack the trivial CSS encryption scheme on DVD's in order to copy them. Any idiot with a DVD presser can make a bit-by-bit copy of a DVD (encryption included) and then sell the copy. The copy that is 100% exact as the original. And it will be totally unnecessary for the copier to decode the original file.

This signals the coming time when so-called "content creators" (a.k.a. media studios) will control the copying and movement of their content from the time it leaves their hands until the time it gets deleted. Don't believe me?

Proof
Proof
And more proof!
Full Coverage on the above issue

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I Didn't Even Know The Bastard Had A Name -- Sharkey @ 5:01 pm
[ Farewell Clippy, we hardly knew ye ]

Actually, that's not true. I got to know that chumpy animation better than I ever wanted to. This almost makes up for that gay interface. Almost.

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Dodgeball Wielding Monkeys Are On Standby... -- Sharkey @ 4:26 pm
There really is nothing more refreshing than coming back from lunch and finding a nice heaping bowlful of spite waiting at your desk. Today's spite comes to us from NASPE and CASPER (P.E. Nazis), who would like nothing better than to abolish dodgeball from our schools, because some say it is "too voilent" for children. Yeah, I laughed at first too, but then I realized that these people were actually serious.

...Stop laughing, I wasn't kidding.

"There can be head and face injuries, broken glasses," said Frank Wojtech, who oversees physical education curriculum development for the Granite District. "The thing I really don't like is you can have several people ganging up on one."

NASPE has gone so far as to put dodge ball on its "Physical Education Hall of Shame" -- along with such offenders as kickball, Red Rover, Simon Says, tag and musical chairs.

Sweet Jeebus. Did anyone here actually hate dodgeball? I was actually a pretty small kid growing up, and I friggin' loved that game. There's no pain involved, it's a damned inflatable pile of rubber! I looked into these organizations, and apparently they want our kids playing games where there are no "captains" and no "outs". Basically no practices that help prepare these children for real-life situations, like team environments, leadership skills, and consequence. You're basically taking half of the reason for P.E. in schools away by doing this. And it was such a lovely day outside, now I have to condemn a group in Chino to be beaten senseless with their own severed arms.

Hey, I'm doing the world a favor. They'd probably go after football next, then baseball and hockey. Who knows how far their evils will stretch. The line must be drawn *hmya*

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Orion = Critic, Harry = Internet Spys R Us -- Orion @ 3:12 pm
First off, for the record, I consider myself a CRITIC and not an INTERNET SPY like I was accused of being last night. I attend early movie screenings because I have some nice friends that get passes and then pass them on to me. Every time I go, I sign an agreement saying that I won't reveal anything about an upcoming film. I don't. I post my reviews of a film the day it comes out. I post for the readers some tidbits that might have been cut from a screen release, but before a film has been released I don't discuss it. The last time I did anything remotely close to that was a comment (that has since gone away after a database crash) that I saw Big Trouble and liked it. Nothing more than I liked it. Same thing with The Fast And The Furious: my only comment there was that it prompted me to drive really fast.

I'm getting off topic here. Last night I was seated for a screening of The Animal and while we were waiting, the 4 people behind us got asked to leave by one of the people running the show. People around THEM started asking why. Some industry-types sat down in their seats initially and said that they were from Ain't It Cool News and Internet Spys. Well, I overhear this and called Sharkey on the cell and told him to get me Main Page rights to post what you're reading now. I was going to put it up last night. I got home late. 12 hours late. About 2 minutes after I hung up the phone, the same guy comes down and asks us to leave. He tells me in the lobby that one of the people that he asked to leave first didn't like the Orion on the back of my hat. Go figure, eh? I have no shame as to who I am, and my picture's been on this site a bunch of times. Either way, I left gracefully and watched something else. As soon as my monkeys get back from Guatemala (don't ask) then they are going to pay a visit to Harry and his crew of rats.

As a side note to Harry and his crew of rats, though, I've already seen Freddy Got Fingered, Final Fantasy, The Fast And The Furious and a few others and I'd like to see where I've posted information or reviews of those films on this site? Look again when those films are released and I'll have something for you.

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Priceless Costs More Than You'd Think -- Sharkey @ 11:22 am
The rec.humor.funny newsgroup has been threatened by the Mastercard corporation, who states that their "Priceless" parodies are infringing on a copyright. What was the general response?

Web site hosting for anybody: $10/month and up

Threatening letters to people who satirize you, hoping they won't know the law: $500

Reputation as giant corporation required to intimidate small publishers: $billions

Supreme court decisions protecting parody and satire from accusations of copyright and trademark infringement... Priceless

There are some rights money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard's lawyers.

Grand.

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Before I Hit The Sack... -- Sharkey @ 2:08 am
Does anyone else find it a tad odd that BAMF is #32 when you do a search for "Cocaine Substitute" over at Lycos? And why aren't we higher on the list? We talk about crack substitutes all the damn time.

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Bitch, Stay Off Dat Blow! -- Sharkey @ 1:41 am
Boy, with the war on drugs down Mexico way, I was starting to worry about how all the coke whores and speed freaks would get their fix. Thank goodness those crafty cartel sum'bitches are on the job 24/7, so our fears needn't keep us up at night. The top drug lords down South have apparently put aside a few decades' worth of blood n' bitterness to form a merger.

Sleep well knowing that a few of the world's most ruthless and resourceful cartel leaders have now joined forces. *shrugs*

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Tuesday, April 10, 2001

Like Marble Madness, Only More Frustrating -- Sharkey @ 1:50 pm
I just finished with this little game, where you have to manipulate a marble's descent so that it hits the ground after 10000 milliseconds.

It took me just over three minutes to beat it. Get to work, chumpy.

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Finally, Sanity Leaks Into The MS Offices -- Sharkey @ 12:52 pm
[ New Windows XP will be skinnable ] (thanks Chris)

Thank goodness, because Solo is right, that new interface is crap on a hoof. Or to quote a movie I saw recently: "Down here we call it 'Pocket full of ass.'"

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Digital Crack Has Been Delivered, All Is Lost -- Sharkey @ 10:57 am
So after a weekend of formatting and reinstalling on my Windows drive (never let Winblows co-mingle with other programs, it's not friendly) I finally reinstalled Tribes 2 on my tiny god, yet after fiddling with every setting imaginable, the damn ground still rendered like shit, and so did my gun. The rest of it looked just gravy, mind you, so I decided to try and play a quick game of groundless CTF. I capped the flag twice before laughing at the punkasses who couldn't seem to take down a guy that was basically flying blind. They didn't take too kindly to my taunting.

Anyway, Shaggy came over a little while later, and suggested that after the reinstall, I should probably make sure I've got the latest OpenGL drivers for my card. Bingo. Tribes 2 now runs like a farm animal when Harry Knowles gets a hankerin' for beef. Man is that a slick game. As soon as I set foot in the new vehicles, I was in love. Although my favorite vehicle, the Firestorm Bomber (from the Tribes Insomniax Mod) was sort of bastardized into the new bomber of Tribes 2, I still enjoyed it. Besides, those Insomniax guys may bust out another sweet mod for T2, provided they can get the damn thing running.

So if you don't hear from me for say... a few months or so, don't bother to call the cops. It's already too late. Only my wife Katie Holmes can save me now...

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Quote of the day. -- FaaQ @ 7:54 am

" ``It's a question that I find like asking somebody, 'Did you have a breast implant?' or 'When did you get your lobotomy?'''

--WILLIAM SHATNER, Captain Kirk of ``Star Trek'' fame, responding to a Washington Post reporter who asked if he wore a hairpiece.

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Monday, April 09, 2001

Jail Babe of the Week -- FaaQ @ 3:21 pm
Those of you that have been here long enough know of my obsession with the JailBabes website. What better activity than to browse the personal ads of lonley prison women. Every now and then I find a diamond in the rough. Todays diamond is Sandra

I am a Scorpio who is full of fun and laughter. I am very honest and open. I am a little rough at times but I know when to be gentle. I like to sing, act and hope to be a successful stripper some day. I am a big tease and I love to dance dirty and I dearly love great sex. I want to say something to all men and women out there. I am very easygoing and I would like to find a friend or two who will help me get through this difficult time in my life. I am also interested in doing some threesomes and I want to do some porn when I get out. If this interests you then I am the one for you.

Hey, shes 5'6" 36C-26-36, finished Jr. High, and is getting out soon. What more could you ask for?

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You're Gonna Eat Lightning, And Crap Thunder! -- Sharkey @ 12:17 pm
AHEM, I beleive Solo is forgetting about one particular MoFo who is quite the avid fan of golf. It hurts buddy... *taps chest*... right here.

Now that you mention it, I'm actually considering taking off this weekend for Palm Springs, get in some rounds at my Dad's course (ain't nothin' like free golf, friends) to relax. Especially since I've got Friday off, and I've been hitting the driving range at least once a week for awhile now. He told me on Saturday that we might meet up with my cousin and uncle (another pro) for a weekend golf excursion in Arizona, where they've got some beautiful courses. A few courses in a few days, resort living at night. Ahhh... the good life.

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It's Too Early In The Week To Encourage Psychos -- Sharkey @ 10:56 am
I got an email over the weekend from BDS+FiNaL+ who told me about the first ever charge in a rape-by-phone case. I figured it was gonna be one of "those" kinda Mondays anyway, why not just dive right the Hell in?

James Maxwell, 50, never met the girl. But in June 1999 he allegedly called her on the phone and pretended to be her mother's gynecologist. Maxwell allegedly instructed the girl -- in detail, and encouraging her at times -- to penetrate herself with her hand.

From the fall of 1998 through June 1999, Maxwell also allegedly made obscene phone calls to 10 other girls in the borough. Authorities say Maxwell chose his victims by leafing through local free newspapers and picking girls who appeared in feature stories.

My question is, since the girl is only 10 friggin' years old, wouldn't it be statutory rape as well? And with this kind of screwed up case, what would constitute "bizarre homemade pornography?" *Sigh* We're bringing up children in a world where you really can't trust anybody. Now you gotta warn them about doctors as well. It's a screwed up time we live in kids, make the best of it.

On the bright side, I am wearing an incredibly comfortable pair of pants right now. I know it's not much, but I say you've gotta take little pieces of happiness wherever you can get it. So if you're reading this wearing a completely uncomfortable pair of Dockers or slacks, I feel sorry for you, frankly.

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Saturday, April 07, 2001

Ladies and Gentlemen, the AssMaster is in! -- KlfJoat @ 8:48 pm
So while we're on the subject of blatant plugs, I feel that I must plug one of the most informative and useful sites on the net today. No, not Yahoo. No, not CNN. No, not ZDNet.

The site I'm talking about, ladies and gentlemen, is the one and only Internet Adult Film Database. This site is like IMDB, but with information and searches that are specially suited for the porn industry. Have you ever wondered if Stephanie Swift and Ron Jeremy shagged? Have you ever wanted a scene-by-scene rundown of actors and acresses in almost every movie since 1989? How about knowing the birthday of your favorite porn star? Or maybe what their new name is (because they change names every 3 months)?

All this and more can be yours at the Internet Adult Film Database.

One of the most functional features of this site is, after you find the right movie, if you scroll down the page, you will find several online retailers from which to buy your movie, in either VHS or DVD format. The best part is that the price of the movie at each site is listed, so you can comparison shop BEFORE clicking. One click on the link for that retailer, and you're transported to the movie's page at the retailer, usually with the movie already in your shopping cart.

So please, go visit and use our friends over at the Internet Adult Film Database. It is the official porn movie information site of BAMF!

Note to Merseian: I prefer petroleum-based lubes, not K-Y.

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Sector31 -- Merseian @ 7:09 pm
Yeah thats right this is a blatant main page plug for S31 I don't usually do this type of thing, except I've had a chance to chat with Bulldog and he seems quite the interesting fellow. He seems to take getting Sector31 off the ground and running pretty seriously, and from the looks of it, its already getting a lot of support from other E/N sites as I recognize a lot of the names in the members list. Its kind of fresh and unique slant on the E/N scene. He's definately piqued my interest as to see how well S31 will do. So go check them out or I'll use my massive resources at my crappy government job to track you down and no this isn't a death threat...no no much worse my friends, I'll give Klfjoat your address and a bottle of lube and send him on over to make you wish you'd taken the time and just checked out Sector31. So head on over and tell Bulldog and the rest the staff hi and that mean bastard Mers sent you. Cuz remember you should never cross a disgruntled government employee.

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Les "Scatman" Cohen. -- FaaQ @ 6:30 pm
For any of you who have been to a Yankees game in NY, Les "Scatman" Cohen is the Gene Gene the Dancing Machine of Yankee Stadium.
Now that big lovable lug has his own mini documentary on Atom Films. Good for not only a laugh, but if you are a large person who is not ashamed to strut your stuff in public, you might pick up a few pointers on how to shake your groove thang, or maybe even pick up a clown.

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Friday, April 06, 2001

AOL Sucks, get over it -- KlfJoat @ 4:22 pm
To answer your questions about last night, AOL's datacenter experienced a massive power outage. Now, if I were planning the layout of one of the world's largest ISP's, I would make sure I had online backup power generators. But that's just me. Apparently, AOL can't be bothered to do that.

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Now I see why Solo likes her so much.... -- Merseian @ 1:23 pm

Merseian: its a messed up world....as kids we traded baseball cards...as adults we trade pr0n

Silicon Gelica: It's not messed up, it's fabulous, fabulous!

On a completely different note, Any of you with a shred of artistic talent that would be interested in working on a weekly comic strip email me with some info about yourself and some examples of your skills.

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MTV sued over shit-shower -- Merseian @ 11:46 am
Honestly I'm surprised with todays common occurances of people sueing over stupid shit, its hard to believe people haven't tried sueing MTV over some of the stuff in jackass or tom green show or andy dick show. If they have I guess I haven't been paying attention.

Two teenagers are suing MTV for splattering them with faeces during the filming of a show.The girls' lawyer claims members of an act called the Shower Rangers pointed their naked bums towards the audience during the filming of Dude, This Sucks.

She said one of them then sprayed excrement over the audience "without warning or explanation".

"Before they could say or do anything, the Shower Ranger whose buttocks faced them bent over, spread the cheeks of his buttocks and emitted a spray of fecal matter," said lawyer Gloria Allred.

I can honestly say I'd be pretty upset if someone spread their asscheeks and sprayed me with shit as well. MTV said they won't be broadcasting the episode on tv.

So any of you MTV employees that can get your hands on this tape you may want to notify this person, I'm sure he'd be most appreciative. You can contact him here

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Hugh Grant Named "Foot and Mouth" Ambassador -- FaaQ @ 7:56 am

Lo and behold, it is I Hugh Grant. Foot and Mouth Ambassador of England.

It looks like Hugh Grant is moving up in the world. For a guy who got caught with his pants down with Mrs. Devine Brown, he sure has come a long way:

The star of Bridget Jones’s Diary will try to assure sceptical Americans that Notting Hill and the English countryside are safe to visit whenever he gives interviews in the United States. While Sir Sean Connery is reassuring them that Scotland welcomes tourists, Grant will bang the drum for England and Wales

Its nice to see the Brits are really trying to get a hold of this crisis. Nothing like throwing a limp-wristed celebrity at a major crisis that’s hitting all of Europe. Say what you want about us Americans and our wacky politics, you can honestly say that we have never let our entire meat industry become crippled by lax animal husbandry. Now I'm no fan of the Tin-foil hat crowd, but If I didn't know better I would think that some radical freak from PETA was behind all of this. Anyway, have fun eating all that Kangaroo meat that the Aussies are going to pawn off on you.

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No Whammies! No... DAMMIT! DAMN YOU WHAMMIES! -- Sharkey @ 2:13 am
Well, I finally got Tribes 2 installed on my machine. As I started 'er up for the first time, I crossed my fingers and started installin' patches.

Then of course, came the inevitable. My framerate was grand, but it came with the worlds most jarbled image of Tribes I'd ever expected to see. No ground, no sky, big blobs for weapons. *sigh*

So I basically own a coaster with the Tribes 2 logo on it until they get a better patch running. Fun. That, or I can continue to lurk around all the Tribes 2 related forums until I find someone with the answer to my problem. But it's two in the damn morning, and I guess I'm supposed to be at work, or something like that in the morning. Whatever it is, it wont be Tribes 2. And that makes me a sad, sad Sharkey. But look on the bright side, I get at least one more Friday night as a normal human being before I anchor my ass to this chair.

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Thursday, April 05, 2001

The Spider-Man curse strikes again -- KlfJoat @ 7:05 pm
There has been yet another accident on the set of the Spider-Man movie. On Tuesday, the same day that four Spider-Man costumes were stolen from Sony's Culver City lot (Stage 15 for all you wackos), Tobey Maguire's stunt double was injured during a stunt. Tobey, for you great unwashed, is playing the man, Peter Parker, himself.

Now, I'm sorry, but this is turning into a cursed movie. One death, one theft, and now this. This is getting to be too much.

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A Foolish Purchase Has Been Made... -- Sharkey @ 5:00 pm
May as well give it up now. I have the enemy's flag, heading back to base.

For the next couple of months there can be no social life, unless you can count the possibility of a BAMF Tribes 2 clan as a social activity.

*checks ass for adequate padding* Hmmm.... running a little too thin in the caboose for this kind of job. Better 'nix the gym after work and head to the donut shop instead.

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Stupidity Is An Epidemic -- Sharkey @ 4:35 pm
Dumb:

William E. Larsen should get worker's compensation benefits for his injures a Milwaukee's state supreme court ruled.

Mr Larsen fell down drunk in sub-zero temperatures because he couldn't open the door of a mobile home. Mr Larsen, on a sales trip to Wisconsin for his job, had been drinking in a nearby bar.

He will pick up $85,000, around £60,000.

And Dumber:

Attorney General John Ashcroft Wednesday highlighted video games, television and even a game called "Dope Wars" that can be downloaded on the Internet as examples of the "the culture of violence" that may have contributed to a spate of recent deadly school shootings.

*clutches chest* Aaaghhh.... stupidity is like kryptonite to me. The first one is self explanitory, but what the Hell is Ashcroft thinking?!? I had a hard enough time seeing the relationship between using the numeric keypad and shooting a gun. Now he wants me to believe that a text-based game (rooted in reality, no less) is influencing these kids (who aren't supposed to be playing it anyways) who shoot up their classmates? *AAAK* Head... too much pain...

...light fading.... tell Katie Holmes... I... love...º

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Mr. A+ Speaks! -- Sharkey @ 12:10 pm

From: Jon Bence
Subject: best link ever, DAD FROM ALF SMOKING CRACK AND KISSING A GUY

Hey. You gotta post this on bamf.com

http://www.mikeonline.com/events/index.html

at the top there is pictures of the dad from alf (whos now on Norm) smoking crack out of a home made crack pipe and kissing his gay lover (he's married). It's so great.

Jon

I actually saw that issue of the National Enquirer while I was at the supermarket buying necessities (liquor, steaks) the other day, and I started laughing my ass off in the checkout line. I totally forgot he was on the Norm show, so it made perfect sense that he'd gone coke-whore. At least now I know where he gets the money. Can anybody confirm these pics as the real deal?

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I Swear It Wasn't Me -- Sharkey @ 10:26 am
Although I got this link from FaaQ, the first person who told me about it was Sus, but I stupidly forgot the link. Seems that four Spider-Man costumes were stolen from the Sony lot in Culver City on Tuesday, and Columbia is now offering a $25,000 reward to get them back. Seems kind of strange that a poor high-school student/photographer would wear a costume worth that much bread, but I guess you gotta suspend disbelief for this one.

What I found intriguing is how they could let this horrible copy on this story see print. First off, they misspell Mary Jane's last name, when they could've easily taken ten seconds to look it up on IMDB. Secondly, what's this "Does the mad scientist have an alibi" crap? Did they hire a twelve-year-old to write this drivel? Norman Osborne isn't even a mad scientist, he's just a rich asshole who drank some experimental serum one day. That's not exactly mad scientist material, that's "fucking idiot" material.

Wow, it's pretty early for the comic-geek inside me to come crawling out. Maybe he smelled the donuts in the break room.

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No Wonder Kids Bring Guns To School -- Sharkey @ 12:37 am
I had no idea things had gotten so far out of hand in public schools in the short amount of time since I graduated. Apparently a girl can't wear a "Straight Pride" t-shirt without getting in trouble.

Paula Borochoff, a special education teacher, told Fox News that the shirt is a form of harassment that should be banned. The language makes gay or lesbian students, or those with gay or lesbian family members, uncomfortable, she said.

Now, the shirt itself isn't exactly offensive, as it doesn't say anything at all about homosexuality. I'd have no problem with someone wearing a gay pride t-shirt, it's not like they have anything to do with me. Then there's this tidbit, which really has me scratching my head:

The school attempts to foster an atmosphere of tolerance by displaying inverted pink triangles around designated "safe" areas of the school. The "safe" areas are set aside for student/teacher discussion and counseling regarding homosexuality and other non-traditional relationships.

The Hell? A segregated portion of the school designated for homosexual discussions, yet this girl can't wear a sweatshirt? They've got what can only be labeled as the "fag section" by the kids at the school, but being openly heterosexual, that only brings trouble. I'm sure that the gay kids having their own "section" hasn't brought out an ass-beating or two after class.

*Sigh* I'm white, have slightly conservative views, and am straight. I'll be the oppressed minority within five years. Mark my words.

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Wednesday, April 04, 2001

Lars. That's All That Needs To Be Said. -- Sharkey @ 11:49 am

For those of you who are now thoroughly frightened, let me explain. This post is more for people who know who the man pictured above, but the rest of you should enjoy this video anyway. Lars is an enigma, wrapped in a fucking enigma. I can't count how many times I've hung out with Lars, but I've yet to come anywhere close to understanding what makes him tick.

About 4 years ago, I was hanging out with the guys and Lars comes over. He tells us that he did a favor for his friend's band, the Teen Heroes, and starred in their first video, which was going to be on MTV. He pops the tape in, and this is what we saw. Incredible. The song is alright, but the video had all of us rolling on the floor. Why? Lars. Because this video didn't have Lars playing any character at all. What you see in the video, is what you get in real life if you ever run into him. And you have to love him, he's pure comedy.

Make sure you watch the 300K stream. You can't see the look of sheer insanity in Lars' eyes without it.

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Warning: Do Not Drink Splode® In A Tank -- Sharkey @ 11:04 am

From: Chris Johnson
Subject: tank blown to hell

this is a link to pictures of a russian tank getting blown to hell. the chechnians planted the mines and filmed the tank as it unsuspectingly ran over the mines.

http://www.marsho.org/sayfulla_op.shtml

You can actually see the people flying through the air like little G.I.Joe figures.

Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe! If those pics are the genuine article, then this is one of the most insane things I've ever seen! Those poor Russian soldiers got shredded faster than an incriminating Clinton administration document.

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Sad, Yet Somehow Comforting -- Sharkey @ 10:32 am
I wasn't sure whether or not I should share this one, since it's kind of a strange subject, but I figure you guys would want to know. Plus, I can get a few thousand of you to shift uncomfortably in your seats in one simple paragraph. Want me to prove it? Lifestyles Condoms Co. has conducted a study, and found that the average *ahem* wang length has dropped to 5.877 inches in length, 4.972 inches in girth.

....Done shifting in your seat yet? If you listen carefully, you can hear a sigh of contentment wafting its way across the globe, as competitive instincts kick in. And before you kids run out and buy a Butterfinger bar for comparison, please reconsider, that's just fucking tacky. And for the love of all that's holy, don't eat the damned thing afterwards.

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Tuesday, April 03, 2001

First it's PETA about the Pig, now someones crying about Coral. -- FaaQ @ 4:57 pm
It looks like more trouble for CBS's Survivor. For those of you who watch the show and got to see Mike nail that pig only to have those terrorists at PETA bitch and moan, it will come as no surprise to find out that environmentalist wacko's are at it again, this time over the removal of Coral from the Great Barrier Reef.

It is illegal to take coral from the World Heritage listed reef without a permit. Penalties include fines of up to $52,800. "We'll prosecute in the normal way if they've broken the law," Gregor Manson, director of the Great Barrier Reef Marine Park Authority, told Reuters Tuesday. Manson said the authority had also had complaints from viewers in the United States about aircraft in the CBS network's reality show flying too close to seabird rookeries on the reef.

Sadder yet is that someone from America actually called to fucking complain about the "seabird rookeries". Honestly I don't know why people have to get their panties in a bunch over every little fucking animal on the planet. So what if some fucking birds get spooked, or some dude takes a hand full of coral, will it be the end of the world?

You can thank all those Politically Correct shitbags who teach at the University level for shoving this "lets all just be at peace with nature" crap down everyone’s throats for the last 30 years. Congratulations, you have created a whole society who cares more about coral and some fucking spooked birds, than how to raise a kid who won't off everyone he sees if he gets teased at school.

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He's Not Dead, He's Pining For The Fjords -- Sharkey @ 4:47 pm
As I'm sure a few of you have noticed, sliceoftheday.com is currently down. It redirects to bla-bla.com. I thought this wouldnt happen just yet, but no matter. We couldn't upload slices all of last month because bla-bla imposed bandwidth prices, which were far more exorbidant than my cash reserves could afford. And Lord knows, they weren't paying us enough to buy breakfast at McDonalds.

That's why SOTD is moving, and finally opening as I had planned to originally. And we're going to do it over on Solosnet. I've been meaning to do it before they shut down SOTD, but things have been a lil' hectic the last week or so.

But I do have some new slices coming for you, to dedicate the grand opening, so keep your shorts on. Go skim through the pie forum, there's plenty of goodness in there to tide you over.

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That Goes Double For Babs -- Sharkey @ 1:23 pm
Slappy wrote in this morning to tell me about Barbara Streisand's latest batch of idiocy. She sent out a memo to Democrats in Washington, lambasting President Bush. She's apparently calling for a "Democratic offensive" against the turning Republican tide. Great, just what we need, more hot air in Washington.

``Unless we win, we'll be consistently on the defensive with our fingers holding the dike against the resurgence of the far right. ... You don't have to be ruthless like the Republicans, just be strong.''

Nice broad generalization there Babs, shows a real depth of character and intellect.

Streisand's publicist Dick Guttman said on Monday that she has no aspirations to become a politician and her motivation to send the memo was concern about the issues and the American people.

Concern eh? More likely her concern was for her own career. Where was this memo three months ago, Babs? Your career shows signs of saddlebags and you're outta the limelight, why not oppose the President? Nevermind throwing your support behind someone, that's not newsworthy. Let's get in the papers with our bullshit blustering, that oughtta do a lot of good, right? Where's the fucking Tylenol?

*Sidenote: Mr. Tails was taken from the fine fellas at Penny Arcade, who I assume don't enjoy Babs any more than the rest of us.

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We're Right, At Any Cost Necessary -- Sharkey @ 10:58 am
Alright, PETA is slowly but surely moving to the top of my shit-list. They are now openly admitting that they hope mad cow disease makes it's way over here, so that they can prove to the world how right they are.

"If that hideousness came here, it wouldn't be any more hideous for the animals -- they are all bound for a ghastly death anyway. But it would wake up consumers," said PETA co-founder and president Ingrid Newkirk.

Interviewed on Friday in the office she shares with four cats, Newkirk said: "I openly hope that it comes here. It will bring economic harm only for those who profit from giving people heart attacks and giving animals a concentration camp-like existence. It would be good for animals, good for human health and good for the environment."

Yeah, good for the humans that are dying as a result, you twisted fucks. I'm an animal lover at heart, I've had quite a few in my lifetime, but I'm not going so far as to put an animal's life over a human's. That's just wrong.

And showing slaughterhouse scenes outside of a Burger King? Throwing a fit inside the store while people are trying to have their lunch? That's just a bunch of childish posturing. And it all boils down to the most critical element of human nature: being right. It can go so far as to override a person's own instincts of self-preservation, which is why in the abstract, these PETA bastards are willing to sacrifice human life in order to prove a point. Well, I say we let irony take over, and we give 'em a taste of MoFo-style justice.

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Monday, April 02, 2001

Damned Murphy's Law Strikes Again -- Sharkey @ 9:15 pm
Well, looks like we celebrated Rosie O'Donnell's retreat from television a little too soon. Why? Because the tubby idiot is getting her own magazine, complete with a built-in 4.2 million reader base. There's no justice in this world, at least, not without MoFo intervention. Speaking of which, I have some wild marmoset-justice to unleash. I had them sit and watch a looping tape of the Rosie show for the last few days, just in case. What can I say? The diligent MoFo is constantly in preparation.

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Help A MoFo Out -- Sharkey @ 12:12 pm
I need to know who this song is by. It is quite possibly one of the sweetest remixes I've ever heard, done on one of my favorite pieces of game music. It's the theme to Bubble Man's stage in Mega Man 2, and trust me, you want to download this, and annoy your neighbors with it. But please, one of you must know who made this, and where I can get more. *Taps vein in forearm*

Mega Man 2 - Bubble Man Theme.mp3 (2MB)

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This Will Make Killbot's Day -- Sharkey @ 11:24 am
[ Dr. Lara's TV Show Gets The Boot ]

First Rosie, now Lara. What a great couple of weeks for TV. It doesn't give me nearly as much satisfaction as destroying these two by myself, or at least having them savagely beaten by simians, but at least the job is done.

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Iowa: It's What's For Dinner -- Sharkey @ 10:46 am
I got an email from Jeff over the weekend, who wrote in to tell me about his friends' exploits with my second-favorite organization to screw with, (Guess who numero uno is?) PETA. Seems that those wacky vegitarians were protesting (what a surprise) testing on sheep at the National Veterinary Services Laboratory in Ames, Iowa last Friday. But, luckily there are some witty MoFo's in the Corn-N-Pork capitol of the country, because a few college students were at the site, protesting PETA's involvement. God bless 'em.

A group of 10 ISU students, calling themselves the Society of Americans Who Have a Clue, were on the scene grilling hot dogs to show their support for the USDA’s efforts. “We came out here today to see what all the controversy was about and to humor the small town of Ames,” said Kevin Broulette, sophomore in computer engineering. “We thought the protesters might get hungry, so we brought all this out.”

Alex Rodeck, senior in animal science, stood outside his truck with a group toting signs that read, “Meat is tasty — PETA go away” and “People Eating Tasty Animals.” “We thought we would come out here to present both sides of the issue,” Rodeck said. “We already have problems with decreasing agriculture in this country, and stuff like this is just making it worse.”

I salute you Iowan MoFo's, what you've done makes me proud to be an American. And as a show of support, I relay upon you my favorite non-vegitarian lyrics, from one of my favorite bands:

Save a plant, eat a cow,
I want beef, I want it now.
I would eat it 'cuz it's red,
I would eat it 'cuz it's dead.
Maybe I should eat it raw
and let the blood run down my jaw.
I'd eat people if it was legal.
I'd eat people if it was legal.

Damn straight. If we're ever in an Alive-sort of situation, watch your ass. Literally, I hear that's the easiest part to cook.

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Sunday, April 01, 2001

Well, This Joint Sure Seems Lively -- Sharkey @ 8:11 pm
Yikes, not one damn post all weekend. I was off watching the West-Coast premiere of "Escaflowne: A Girl In Gaia" this morning. I thought it was pretty good, but I haven't watched the series before. My friends who had seen it before seemed a little dissappointed with some of the things it was lacking from the series. Still, it had excellent action, kickass animation and a really good score, so I enjoyed it. Maybe I'll get an official review of it up this week. (Which reminds me of all the other anime reviews that I've forgotten to upload...)

BTW, if you're interested, here's more info on the series, and here's where to find all of the soundtracks in mp3 format.

And another thing, I picked up the latest issue of Spyboy on Friday, and guess what our pal Pop Mhan did? He threw a plug to BAMF.com into one of the panels, as well as his representation of Sharkey. No, I'm not talking in the third person, I mean my cartoon character where I derived this name. (He's the guy in the top left hand corner, dummy.) Pick up the issue if you want to see, I think it's on one of the first four pages or so. I'll throw up a scan this week for those of you too lazy to support your local comic shop.

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