I Stand By My Statement About TV From Yesterday -- Sharkey @ 3:22 pm
Son. Of. A. Bitch. [ CNN - D'oh: Are 'The Simpsons' leaving soon? ]
"I think we are closer to winding it up," the television show's creator, Matt Groening told the Financial Times in an interview published Tuesday. Even so, Groening admitted to weariness with the formula of the show, now in its 13th year. "It becomes increasingly difficult as the years go by to keep on not only surprising the audience, but surprising ourselves," he said.
Before I go on a murderous rampage, I'd like to show you the quality programming that Fox has to offer at other times throughout the week. Let's pick out a random one shall we? I'll say 9PM tomorrow night. *checks TVGuide.com*Wolf Lake - 60 Mins
A dim-witted opportunist (Sam Anderson) cages Ruby in wolfen form and plans to expose her to subscribers of his Internet site. Starring Lou Diamond Phillips.
...we're fucked. While Groening says that they'll probably keep the show going for awhile, hearing it's creator state that he's getting tired of coming up with fresh ideas is not what I want to hear. I've missed the last few episodes, but last season was fucking brilliance on a comedy platter served up by a half-naked Katie Holmes. I'd rather not see them go out on a low note by running one of the best shows of all time into the ground. Murdoch, you'd better fucking listen to me. Your koalas and boomerangs and fancy-pants lawyers won't matter a rat's ass when my winged marmocets start gnawing at your flesh. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but that is how they begin thier mating dance.
Oh, and BTW, this list is bullshit. I don't know what blind retard they've got reviewing shows over there, but he or she is in for some serious simian sodomy (provided they've got stamina left after Murdoch) if they don't shape the Hell up. ...that was one too many "s" sounds in one sentence, so I think it's time for me to bow out. If anyone needs me I'll be in the crapper, producing CBS's new Fall primetime lineup.
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This Is Why The Malthion X Solution Exists -- Sharkey @ 12:37 pm
Honest to crap, I know that one of these days the vegans will herbalize themselves right into extinction, but I'm getting a little impatient. Maybe we could find some sort of nutrient that the bastards all enjoy shoving down their throats instead of good ol' American Meat & Cheese® and throw a little nerve toxin into it? Because seriously, rejecting meat is bad enough, once you reject cheese as well you've thrown yourself up there with Nazis, serial rapists, and Joel Schumacher. My hatred of veganism in all it's leafy green forms has only a slight link to today's story (blatently stolen from the forum), but what would your Tuesday be without spite? Spread some around right now. Don't have any to spare? You will after reading about a couple in Queens who were arrested for child abuse, after forcing their delightfully unhealthy vegan diet on their newborn baby. Dig:
Joseph and Silva Swinton, both 31, were arrested Friday and charged with reckless endangerment and endangering the welfare of a child for failing to properly feed and care for their baby, Ice. Sixteen-month-old Ice Swinton weighed only 10 pounds, looked like a 2- or 3-month-old and was half the normal weight of a child her age when authorities discovered her close to death last November.
Even when doctors told the couple their baby was on the brink of death in November, both parents insisted "there was nothing wrong" and were resistant to treatment, the complaint said.
OK people, I know that we're all about Constitutional rights in this country, and dammit, I'm a huge advocate of them. But once I take over your feeble planet, that is the first Goddamn thing we're going to regulate. It always amazed me when I was younger to hear friends talk about being too lazy or too poor for proper birth control. I equated such lunacy to hiring a blind cheuffer. A fun ride, but you're probably going to fuck up more lives than just your own. *sigh* I thought I could get through that post without pointing out their usage of the non-name Ice. WTF, Ice? When the parents submit that name to the hospital, we should have social services take the kid right then. "I'm sorry folks, but we can already see that you're just too fucking stupid to take care of this child. Have a nice day."
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The Future Of Television Is Boring -- Sharkey @ 5:16 pm
Before I get my rant on, I've got to say this: I was in an exceptionally bad mood for the last couple of weeks. At least, at work I was. I had dug myself into a trench of laziness amidst a battlefield ripe with insipid customers, each hurling an incredible arsenal of stupid-question-grenades and emptying round after round of impossible-request-bullets out of scores of stupidity-rifles. It's actually a lot more fun if you imagine that horrific scene of war with all of the customers in drag. Comforting, yet unnerving at the same time, kinda like the theme song from Family Ties. Thankfully, I realized the best way to deal with customers was to talk to them. And by talk to them, I mean lure them all into a conference room, lock the door, and leave for the weekend. Either they ate one another in there, or the cleaning people had a fine dinner on Sunday. Either way, my plate is clean, and the week starts anew with a freshness rivaled only by the mighty Godfather of Comedy, Ben Vereen, God rest his soul. Now that I'm back on the rampage, I've written an article (it was actually a post that grew way the Hell out of control) containing my thoughts on G4 Media's G4 TV. Basically my assessment of their launch strategy, programming schedule, and how I think the fat chick from Facts Of Life should fit into the whole shebang. So get to readin'.
Article: Sharkey Saves The G4 Network From Itself - Read it, clown.
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Disturbing Quote Of The Day -- Sharkey @ 12:43 pm
From an article concerning college girls who hope to appear in Playboy's Big 12 Conference Issue to help "open up some doors" for them: “Sometimes they do it because they want to feel like a model or a princess for a day,” she said. “Or they want to open up the magazine 20 years from now and say `look how hot Granny was. Look at me when I was in college.´”
... I don't know about you, but if my Grandmother (a 38-year-old Grandmother?) were to pull out an issue of Playboy with her own spread in it, I think I might vomit all over that fine vintage magazine and abstain from any Christmastime family activities for the rest of my life. Not to mention the fact that this woman is suggesting that these still-teenaged girls will have grandchildren old enough to view pornographic images in the next 20 years. "Fancy book-learnin'" is apparently not a prerequisite to becoming a shoot producer for Playboy.
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Not again -- KlfJoat @ 7:15 am
Sharkey, in his infinite wisdom, has cleared out the comments system so that it runs faster. Sweet. I, on the other hand, am a big fat whiner. Somebody please love me. Especially if you're a girl (or boy, I guess I'm not picky) under the age of 15.
If you kids are turned on by this, please let me know. We can get together for a little "private time". Depending on what state you live in, it might even be legal!
Hey look, KLF is doing his Catholic priest act. *shudders* -- Sharkey
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Ping? -- KlfJoat @ 11:42 am
And now it's time for the most boring cable TV channel start since MTV. This new gaming cable network's signon message will be... wait for it... a 24-hour-a-day, weeklong LIVE game of Pong. Oh the humanity.
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We've Sinned, And We Must Be Punished -- Sharkey @ 11:29 am
I'm sorry. I really am. But it's fucking cold outside, and some assmagnet in here thinks that running the A/C is a really great idea. That said, I must direct as much spite in as many directions as possible, before i go and sabotage the thermostat. [ It's Smurftastic! Smurf Mah Fro! ]
Let's not speak of that again. I only posted it because the Pyramid music soothes my soul.
*Listens to A/C kick back on*
*Sees hefty cloud layer outside*
*Grabs hammer*
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The joys of pubic hair -- Jeff @ 11:15 am
In case you haven't heard yet, the guy that wrote Being John Malkovich has got a new movie called Human Nature. I came across an interview or two over at nerve.com about it. Patricia Arquette being naked for half of the movie is definitely a good thing.
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| Wednesday, April 24, 2002 |
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One more wong makes it right -- Jeff @ 10:20 pm
Just as I thought would happen, some unscrupulous characters are selling those racist A&F shirts on Ebay, and getting bids in excess of $2K. For two grand you could buy shirts from A&F's distributor, make some silkscreens, and print them yourself - with plenty of green left over to buy some crosses to burn on the weekend.
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Death by potato -- Jeff @ 9:59 pm
This just in... french fries cause cancer. Apparently, so does bread, biscuits, potato chips, heavy cream, discontentment, lizards, and plastic frog figurines. All of these wonderful foodthings are laced with a chemical called acrylamide (which we'll call "cancer juice" for those who are less science-inclined), which is thought to be a mid-level carcinogen that has caused stomach tumors in lab animals.
Findings unveiled at a news conference called by the food administration showed that an ordinary bag of potato chips may contain up to 500 times more of the substance than the top level allowed in drinking water by the World Health Organization.
This is the part where you, the savvy, postmodern reader, say, "Oh shit, another story about something causing cancer. He'll invariably say that everything causes cancer, and we'll roll our eyes and leave useless shit in the comments on this post." And you would be right - everything causes cancer! Welcome to the jungle.. you're gonna die!I think this clinches it, though. I mean, when bread can cause cancer, not to mention grandma's biscuits, it's time to just give up and start huffing muffler fumes off an Escalade. Nobody can win when Wonder Bread is a bonafide baby killer. But I say to you, throw caution to the wind. A life without Hungry Jack biscuits is not worth living... especially if they're the buttered kind.
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Obligatory Redneck Bashing Story -- Sharkey @ 4:57 pm
Remember that article earlier this month about Trucker Lovin'? Seems that this guy could have used some of that advice. (Thanks Will) A woman who was rescued Saturday after a maintenance worker found her plea for help on a women's restroom stall told police she had been trying for six months to escape the truck driver accused of beating her and holding her captive, and had left numerous messages in bathrooms. At first, Shaddix told police, she and Jones were friends, and they began traveling together about a year ago, Frazier said. But about six months ago, when she decided she wanted to leave, he refused to let her go, Frazier said.
This sounds like the worst B-movie plot to ever grace the silver screen. How could this guy even conceive of holding this woman against her will for so long? Is he that desperate? Can he not find other playmates along that long and lonesome road?
Oh. I stand corrected. Abduct away, you poor bastard.
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you've GOT to be able to do SOMETHING with a SCREWDRIVER -- Jeff @ 9:54 pm
This one is just for completeness of the Sharkey Star Wars figure-buying brouhaha.[Proposed "sci-fi tax" would benefit NASA]
Beam me up with a vulcan death grip, Han Solo! I know the guy is running for the Huntsville district, but Mr. Williams needs to stick with his first love and stay out of the space business. It's kind of crazy up there. That is, unless you have lasers.
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Outta My Way Bitch! Oh, Sorry Kid... -- Sharkey @ 12:12 pm
Went on a mighty midnight run to Toys R' Us last night for a bit of Star Wars madness. I didn't really need the toys, and I was debating whether or not I would actually buy any while I was there, but none of that mattered. It just makes me all warm and tingly inside to see the absolute dregs of humanity (ie: Star Wars nerds combined with soulless toy hoarders) shoving each other with dorkish grunts for a fucking C-3PO without any creases in the packaging.The male-to-female ratio was, as you can imagine, tipped heavily towards the dick-sportin' side of the scale. When we arrived, I actually doubled the amount of women that were in attendance by bringing two females with me. (Although one girl at the front of the line might have counted for two, but I'm not in the mood to solve that lil' math problem at the moment.) Sure, one was my younger sister (I trained her well as a child, she was only there to kidney punch nerds) but by bringing two girls who didn't look like this, I'm sure I was revered as a minor deity by some of the lonelier guys in line. I think I saw one pick up an Amidala figure inside and mutter something about taking her home to meet "Mother". I hope that wasn't a euphamism.
Left: Plentiful. Right: Strictly BYOB.The beauty of course, comes in ruining everyone elses time at the sale. Here now, I will break down for you the easiest and most rewarding ways to annoy everyone within a ten foot radius of your person. Use this powerful knowledge with caution:
- The Ol' "You eBay Rebel Scum!" - A personal favorite pastime of Killbot and myself is bending the packaging in front of the resellers. See, I personally figure that if you care enough about this hunk of plastic to freak out over a bent corner, you deserve to be anally molested with those three foot lightsabers in the middle rack. Collector or scavenger, I hate you with equal amounts of spite.
- Whoops! I Thought Jar-Jar Was The Emporer! - Yelling out that you've found an ultra-rare toy right from the get-go is a surefire way to earn boatloads of hatred from your fellow geek. Take last night, for example, where some fellow exclaimed from the start "YODA! I FOUND YODA!" This caused a massive panic, and massive amounts of profanities from the more aggressive resellers. Since there weren't any Yoda figures at the store, this was indeed a falsity. This did not, however, discourage everyone in the store from scrounging to the bottom of every display basket for any trace of the only Jedi Master to ever have Frank Oz' hand shoved up his ass. Well, maybe Alec Guiness, but that's his own business and I won't tread on the dead, so let's just move on.
- "Were These Yours? Not Anymore, Sucka!" - When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, nothin' says lovin' like good old fashioned theivery. Waltzing up to your nearest scavenger's shopping cart and selecting one or two of the more hard-to-find items is a surefire recipe for comedy. The limits of racial slurs and expletives know no bounds in the eBayer's universe. Even better, tell any child in line that a scavenger's cart is up for grabs. Watch with pride as the kid learns words that he only hears after Mommy has too much "medicine". This of course brings us to the most annoying thing anyone can do at one of these events...
- Go For The Kidneys Lil' Suzy!" - Bringing your fucking kids to an event that mainly consists of rabid, soulless scavengers is about the worst thing you can do. However, the few kids who were at the Toys R' Us last night seemed well prepared for battle. As the doors opened, they rushed through the doors and immediately began screaming to be let through. That, or some of those resellers hadn't hit puberty yet. It's hard to distinguish when 80 people are trying to cram up to one small rack to grab that last Dexter Jettster toy.
This was just a warmup for the main event, which will of course be the big lineup for Episode II. I'm not sure how much standing around will be necessary, but I will be armed with many prankish elements to keep myself and friends entertained. There's really nothing like wetting down a cold dork to make your drunkened evening complete. Asshole? You betcha. But at least I'm not one of these guys.
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We All Thought She Was Nuts Regardless -- Sharkey @ 4:05 pm
I'm glad that I don't have the kind of legal headaches that the rich and famous have, because normally it just sounds like a royal pain in the ass. But every now and again, it sounds like a bit of fun. Like when David Grohl and Krist Novoselic decided to legally call Courtney Love mentally incompetent. And not in an insulting way, not in a demeaning way, but by asking a court to test the crazy bitch for mental incompetence. Grand. Lawyer Kelly Corr, who is representing Grohl and Novoselic, said a psychiatrist's evaluation would most likely show that Love was competent when she signed the agreement, and that her competence has since deteriorated.Corr cited the steps she took to bar the release of "You Know You're Right," a song recorded in Seattle shortly before Cobain killed himself with a shotgun on April 8, 1994.
"This Nirvana music should be out there for the fans," Corr said. "She's fighting that. ... We think a rational person in her position would say, 'Yes, let's get the music out.' "
Can anybody figure out a legal way for me to call Harry Knowles a big raging fatass without getting into trouble? Oh wait, I do that all the time. Perhaps we could have Michael Bay checked for some sort of mental retardation. You saw Pearl Harbor buddy, and you were thinking the same Goddamn thing.
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Today's Caption Contest. -- FaaQ @ 10:05 am
I was always under the impression that the LPGA was full of fat dykes but this image is restoring my hope in having an LPGA full of non-mustached fembots prancing around in pink hotpants and tubetops. Wouldn't that kick Tigers ass in the ratings.
The original article is here: Mad props to Vorhese for the link.
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It's Not Neglect, It's Pure Impatience -- Sharkey @ 4:45 pm
I suppose I should explain why I haven't been posting quite as much the last couple of weeks. It's not a lack of interest or anything, far from it. In fact, I get an idea for a post all the damn time at work. The problem is plain ol' convenience. See, the home machine is dead at the moment, and for some fucking reason our internal DNS at work waits about 5 minutes to send packets to this IP address. Every other site on the Net seems fine, but when I go to BAMF, each click is like an eternity. And by then, all the funny has left my brain and seeped out my ears. And those of you in the entertainment industry would know that it's a bitch to clean out of cotton shirts. However, I can post if I connect via Terminal Services or PCAnywhere to a machine on our external network. Which basically means that I have to log onto a real live server which is actually hosting hundreds of professional e-commerce sites, just so I can post. Kind of makes you feel warm 'n fuzzy on the inside just to know the pain in the ass I must endure (not to mention the risk of my job security) every time I indulge myself in a news post. If you don't see that as love, I'm afraid you're a heartless bastard. Or sober.
BTW, if you're wondering how I'm posting right now, don't. I'm working. On a Sunday afternoon. I'd be more pleased about that unintended play on a song lyric if I didn't want to murder all of humanity by drowning them one by one in pancake syrup. I think I'd start with the guy who wrote the script for Jeepers Creepers, then move on to the guy who wrote The Scorpion King. I dare someone to watch both of these movies in one day without losing more than 5 IQ points. And it doesnt count if you're mentally retarded, or a huge wrasslin' fan. Heh, bet'cha didn't know those two were mutually exclusive, did you?
...they're not, by the way. Happy Sunday.
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Guess what? -- Jeff @ 9:38 am
[Abercromie and Fitch pull racist shirts]Damn, that was fast. Apparently the Mofo Army has had some diversity training. And it only took one day.
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So I'm balls deep in this guy's ass... -- Mox @ 11:22 pm
Oh shit, sorry children. I'm not really gay - not that I have a problem with it - hell - I've been hit on by an Oscar winner - Jack Palance is one hellova guy. Well, now that I have everyone' s attention - I'd like to talk about something on my mind these days (besides drinking myself into a coma, waking up in the coma ward and having my way with the other patients). Actually, it's more of a question and it has to do with cloning: If I have sex with my clone is it considered incest or masturbation? Sorry if that was an old one but I really just wanted to give a shout out (you're damn right I said it) to Sharkey, Mabs, BoltBoy and the rest of you guys down in OC and let you know that I'm still alive (for the time being at least...the syphilis is getting worse)
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Because One Or Two People May Not Have Heard -- Sharkey @ 3:06 pm
[ Private Plane Smashes Into Skyscraper In Milan ]I know, you've undoubtedly heard everything about this already. And yes, it's a terrible tragedy. However, I must now think somewhat selfishly for half a minute, so bear with me, or skip down to Jeff's Abercrombie & Bitch post. I'm just wondering how or if this will affect my trip to Europe (we fly into Milan) this summer. Ten bucks says that I (or one of the women who are going) will catch shit from relatives due to this. I know it probably wasn't a terrorist act, however there are terrorists in Italy right now and this will only augment the ammunition in the crap cannon.
"OH NOS!@! YOU CAN'T GO TO MILAN THERE'S TERRORISTS THERE ARGHARRARGHARH!"
Actually, I won't get any of that crap, as my family can act in a calm and sane manner most of the time. However, the little woman's family will undoubtedly give mammoth amounts of flack, which I will have to hear (directly or indirectly) for quite some time. So if anybody needs me, I'll be at the bottom of a bottle. Wake me up when it's Saturday. I know, even though I'm sad for the people who have died or were injured, it's still insensitive of me to bring up my own petty shit, right? Wait a minute, have you even read the Malthion X Solution? Coming here for sensitivity is like going to a marriage counselor after your wife stabs you in the kidneys. We're divorced, deal with it.
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Two Wongs will make it White -- Jeff @ 9:37 am
Unbelievable. It's 2002 and some companies are still having trouble keeping both feet out of their mouth when it comes to promoting racial stereotypes.One has a slogan that says, "Wong Brothers Laundry Service -- Two Wongs Can Make It White." Beside the prominent lettering are two smiling figures in conical hats harking back to 1900s popular-culture depictions of Chinese men.[...]
"We never single out any one group to poke fun at," Carney said. "We poke fun at everybody, from women to flight attendants to baggage handlers, to football coaches, to Irish Americans to snow skiers. There's really no group we haven't teased."
Hmm, all the groups he mentions are represented by occupations and white nationalities (I won't even get started on the sexism issue). Great cross-section of "everybody." To me, this is just another statement typical of a time when Arabs are regularly referred to as "towelheads" in conversation. Ah, sweet, sweet jingoism.However, it's kind of eerie how Daniel Clowes predicted this kind of advertising in his short story "Gynecology."
In other race-related news, this guy is the man. Burning the Confederate flag is cool enough, but wearing a black Santa Claus suit while doing it? It's so mean-spirited and funny, I don't even know where to begin.
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| Wednesday, April 17, 2002 |
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Naughty Evildoers, You Face The Phantom Fuckwit! -- Sharkey @ 12:36 pm
I can't believe I didn't hear about this guy before. Apparently a self-styled (is there any other kind?) superhero calling himself "The Phantom Patriot" was convicted yesterday of arson, burglary and brandishing a weapon during his Jan. 20 assault on Bohemian Grove in California. Those of you "in the know" will realize that this is the sectretive meeting place of government and industry bigwigs, where they get together, and do stuff that really rich and important guys do in each other's presence. We can only speculate, but I'd wager it has to do with small woodland creatures and a lot of hookers. Anyway, back to Captain Crappypants: McCaslin, wearing a skeleton mask, body armor and a costume emblazoned with the words "Phantom Patriot," infiltrated the 2,700-acre (1,090 hectare) Bohemian Grove compound on Jan. 20 and set fire to part of a cafeteria building. He was arrested after a brief stand-off with police, and later told investigators he was prompted to act after hearing a Texas-based radio talk-show host discuss possible child sacrifice at the site.
Gold. Solid gold. Hey Phantom Jagoff, I hear the Great Lakes Avengers have an opening. Why not hit them up for bail money?
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Can We Get This Guy To Off Those TruthCrybabies? -- Sharkey @ 5:15 pm
Every now and again, somebody takes idealism to an absolutely ridiculous level. An apex of anility, so to speak. When this occurs, we must all stand up and clap, for these people display a unique mixture of a fine idea and complete idiocy, all in the same mouthful. Clap with me, my brethren. [ A-Human-Right.com ]
Mother of mercy, there's some true comedy on that site. For example, the true definition of family values is now apparently the love of an insane mother, who wishes her son to be the next advocate of the Trenchcoat Mafia. That, or the rifle is for "shotgun weddin's and huntin' darkies ONLY!" With the more respectably cotton-blended clothing that Wal-Mart now serves to the redneck public, it can get difficult identifying trailer trash these days.
*Edit* - Holy shit, there's a lot of fucking idiots trolling around today. Everyone seems to be assuming that since I make fun of the ads, I support gun control. Where the Hell did you jackasses read that? It'd be pretty hypocritical of me to be against the right to bear arms, especially when I wield an army of gun-toting monkeys. And for your information, Ms. assume-before-I-open-my-fat-yap ER nurse, I was picking on the poster because that rather large woman wouldn't need a gun to protect herself from would-be-rapists (it could happen, some guys like more cushion for the pushin'). She's most likely got a large bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, or perhaps a slab of raw beef, which she could easily use to maim or beat her attacker senseless.
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He Breaks Comps The Same Way I Fix 'Em -- Sharkey @ 11:30 am
Why not start off your day with a steaming fresh cup of hate and spite? Now available in decaf. Thanks for the link bis.
He put the computer processing unit in the foyer of the store, went to his car, got what witnesses described as a “large sledgehammer” and pummeled it.“I didn’t want to cause any trouble,” he said. “I wasn’t there to harm anybody. “I said, ‘Have a good day,’ and I left.”
Such trouble is supposedly outlawed in Gatway Country, so the guy was thrown in the pokey and released on $150 bond. I'm surprised that this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time, actually. If you've ever known the explicit joy of purchasing something with a credit card at Frys Electronics, you've probably wanted to shove the business end of a sledgehammer up a snotty clerk's employer-reference-checking ass. I understand your lack of a Telecheck system to save cash, but do you really need my third grade teacher's social security number so I can write a check? And my personal favorite part of the visit is the shakedown and receipt check on the way out the door. I know it's for internal auditing/theft purposes, but for fuck's sake, the cash register is next to the fucking door. I can't even steal gum between the register and the door, let alone something that warrants one or two full time employees waiting to pat down my bathing suit regions. That's why I just walk past. Sometimes they say something, most of the time they're too busy frisking a 30-year-old feeb who just wanted to buy a pr0n dvd and a Snapple to notice me breezing out the door. I complain, yet I will probably be going to Frys today to purchase cheap equipment. This just goes to show that I would rather have cheap prices and great selection than be treated as a human being. Plus, they have TVs so big I get a stiffy just thinking about walking down that aisle. Then a guy usually comes along and says "if you're going to point that thing at our TVs, I'll need your Mother's maiden name and three forms of identification please." Boner nazis.
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Matrix news -- KlfJoat @ 11:29 am
We finally have word on what's going to happen to Aaliyah's character, Zee, from the two Matrix sequels. She's out. That's right, they're reshooting all of her scenes with the chick who played Muhammad Ali's second wife in... um... Ali.
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Friday Morning Pick-You-Up -- Sharkey @ 8:30 am
Wow, this would make even those Star Wars line dorks in Seattle (who've been there for months already) feel like they're not so geeky. Well, they still are, but they're not rich enough to be this geeky.Sandra McKee, 44, has lost count of how much she has spent on memorabilia from the 1960s TV show The Munsters. She owns copies of all 70 episodes about the family of odd characters headed by Herman, a lookalike of Frankenstein's monster. Now she and her husband, Charles, are spending $250,000 to build a Victorian-style house to replicate the creepy home from the show. From video clips and photos acquired from Munsters collectors around the country, the McKees are re-creating the home inhabited on TV by Herman, wife Lily, Grandpa, cousin Marilyn and son Eddie.
Jesus. Even if I didn't have to run out of here for a meeting, I still wouldn't have much to say about this, except that I hope she's sterile. The instant she puts a kid in that Eddie Munster outfit, you know he's destined to ride the white pony all the way into the gutter.
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Stay tuned for the next episode of REDNEXX.... -- Jeff @ 8:42 pm
Living in Tennessee has its perks. The cost of living is low, southern hospitality does indeed exist, and most people really do have pretense to own a huge-ass truck. You know, to pull the camper. People on the average are pretty nice and don't try as hard to kill you on a regular basis like other places in our great and fine nation.But, of course, there are the downsides as well. There are no good restuarants. There is always the slight possiblity that you might be dating a cousin. And people drive so slow and crazy that it would make even the most even keel average Joe pull his shirt over his face and gnaw voraciously at that little webbed spot between his thumb and pointer finger.
But nothing beats the penultimate source of southern psychosis: the redneck neighbor.
After living here about 8 months, JD8 decides to buy a lawn mower. Unfortunately for my wife and I, JD8 is too excited about his new purchase. He's so excited that he decides he needs to cut the lawn. The only problem is that once again, the entire neighborhood is asleep. It's midnight! This is the only time I curse at my neighbor but I do not know what else to do. He explains he is "testing" the lawn mower. I don't think he understands my point. He seems to think I'm upset that he is cutting his lawn. The fact that he is making entirely too much noise never crosses his mind.
This is exactly how it is, folks. Of course, the only thing worse than a redneck neighbor is a redneck apartment complex. You have been warned.
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Running An Army Ain't Cheap -- Sharkey @ 4:38 pm
[ MoFo Army Recruits Get Grabby With The Hong Kong Locals ]This way I get to fight communism and finance the banana supply.
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Trucker Lovin' -- Sharkey @ 9:22 am
It's a beautiful Spring morning outside. The sun is shining (<--lie), the birds are chirping, and the truckers are coming out to frolick in a little garden I like to call... love. How do I know this? Because Feezy just wrote in to send me a gem called 18 Wheel Singles. Oh sweet truck lovin', how I yearn for your deisel-powered embrace... *ahem*Anyway, the site has some pretty slim pickin's. Mostly fat divorcees and prison inmates to match up to your Camero-cut moustached trucker types. It's like watching a stereotype in action, like a site devoted to black fellas who enjoy fried chicken, or French people who are afraid of...everything. For example, we've got this month's "Hot Prospect" on the site, who was the only trucker who could actually get the gumps to post a picture of himself:
SOUTHWEST KANSAS, SOUTHEAST COLORADODWM, OTR driver, 38 yrs., 5'9'', 220 lbs., brown hair and blue eyes.
Smoker, ND, drug/disease free. Run Midwest West coast.
Kids grown. Very few hobbies. Like movies, cooking, snuggling.
ISO D/SWF, 30 yrs. +. Willing, able to travel with me on truck.
Looks unimportant, personality is. Older female a plus.
Photo, phone for faster reply. W COU94305
Hold on a second, hold on a second. I think I can decode hick, just let me think for a second... OK, let's see. When he says "Willing, able to travel with me on truck" he means "need head on long drives, and hitchiking bums just don't get me off like they used to." OK, and see the "looks unimportant, personality is" bit? That translates to "looks unimportant, I'll only be looking at the back of your head anyway." And that last line, "older female a plus" just means "no teeth, please." If that doesn't spell out love, it sure spells out something. And it smells remarkably like ass.
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| Wednesday, April 10, 2002 |
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The End Of The Intarweb -- Sharkey @ 8:56 am
I was watching the horrible, horrible show The Screen Savers for about ten seconds last night (I was moving furniture and couldn't find the remote) and I overheard them talking about the long-dreaded plans by broadband providers to start using tiered services for hefty bandwidth users. A funny vision of the future was laid out as I reassembled my dresser drawers, which frankly made a lot of sense. But I needed more info on access providers' plans before I could bring this idea to you guys, and Lord knows I wasn't about to watch another minute of that TechTV garbage. So I found this article today regarding Time Warner Cable's plan (and a bit about my provider, Cox) to raise rates for the heavier users of broadband access. Check it out:"Some users take up an inordinate amount of bandwidth," says Mike Luftman, a spokesman for Time Warner Cable. "Anyone staying below a total amount of bits moved per month won't pay more. But if you consistently go over the limit, you're going to have to pay."While Comcast and Cox Communications each say they have no immediate plans to follow Time Warner's lead, now that technology that lets providers monitor network usage is available, it may be only a matter of time before they too move to a usage-based system. Another sign of things to come: Cox has begun user trials of a tiered service for which customers pay more for guaranteed 128K bit/sec symmetrical speeds, says spokeswoman Amy Cohn.
Now, I know a lot of you are getting all huffy about having to pay more money for what you think should be free. And I don't blame you, if I wasn't getting work to pay for my broadband I might get a little pissed at the prospect of my hard earned dollars getting squeezed a little tighter. But only in one of the threads over at NWFusion did someone bring up the possibility that one day, this will be the only way that the government can find to restrict internet piracy. Seriously, if they capped out your usage at one, maybe two gigs per month, it would seriously affect your download habits, wouldn't it? You'd have to choose between Jedi Knight II and massive amounts of Pr0n this month, wouldn't you? And normal users wouldn't be affected, as using email and browsing the internet during the month wont come anywhere near 2 Gigs. I dunno, everyone is certainly afraid because they know this will cut down on their warez habit, but have you considered that perhaps the cable companies are doing this for that particular reason? Webservers on the network are nothing compared to warez downloads. Perhaps it's an old argument, and I just haven't heard many people discussing it, but I'd like to now. Does anyone know if the RIAA has commented on these developments? I'd like to see what kind of support the broadband providers are getting for these programs.
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Trip To Mann's Chinese Tonight. Bring The Hose. -- Sharkey @ 12:36 am
[ Star Wars Fans prove that delusion is greater than going to work and/or showering ]I would have thrown "sex" into the link description above, but we all know that the only sex these fellas are gettin' is with Palmela or Handgela. And thankfully for them, those are portable girlfriends. In fact, you can usually catch someone performing the "Jedi Hand Trick" behind the Mann's Chinese Theatre anyways, so these guys should fit right in.
BTW, on a completely over-your-head sort of "behind-the-scenes" trip (ie: dont ask what this paragraph means): ArtBySheaisgay. Thank you.
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Vote for Bamf -- FaaQ @ 4:13 pm
Vote for bamf as one of the top 50 websites on the Internet. VOTE HEREPut in www.badassmofo.com as the site or it won't register correctly.
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Pushing The Envelope Of Stupidity Into My Mailbox -- Sharkey @ 3:25 pm
I just got an email from Jaime who wanted to let me know about a lovely lesbian couple who sought out a deaf sperm donor to ensure that their babies would be deaf, just as they are. Something tells me I'm going to need some Aleve® after being mentally raped by this one. Dig:The two women tracked down a deaf sperm donor to ensure that their daughter, who is now five, would inherit the same inherited hearing disabilty that they both share. The couple were so pleased with the result that they have just had a second child, called Gauvin, using the same technique. Doctors who examined the boy say he is completely deaf in one ear and has only partial hearing in the other.
This must be a joke. I just keep telling myself that nobody in their right fucking mind would purposefully limit their child's ability to hear, just so that they could have children just like them. Of course, my hopes are in vain. The Washington Post has an even bigger story on these two audio-inhibited fucktwats, which tells their heart-wrenching tale of silent idiocy. Class, can anyone tell me what will happen if these kids ever get an idea of what their parents have taken away from them? Sure, the parents will argue that through the uniqueness of being so individualized, the children will grow up to be more well-rounded adults. Right. Take away an entire sense, an entire part of the construct of man's ability to perceive, just because you want a baby to live life the way you did. Jesus, that's like the former NFL hopeful father surgically attaching a football to his son's right hand.
I can't decide if I want to have these bitches sterilized, or just offed altogether. Either way, they'll be pulled out of the breeding pool. And Lord knows, they won't hear it coming. *Ba-dum-CHING!*
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Speechless -- KlfJoat @ 9:31 am
NAMBLA was started by the Roman Catholic Church?The Archdiocese of Boston, already under fire for covering up sexual abuse of children by a Boston-area priest in the 1980s and 1990s, took steps to shield a second cleric facing similar allegations, according to internal church documents made public on Monday. While the Archdiocese was under the leadership of the late Humberto Medeiros and the current Cardinal, Bernard Law, the Rev. Paul Shanley admitted to superiors that he raped and sodomized children, according to the documents, released under a court order as part of a lawsuit against Shanley.
They showed he advocated sex between children and adults and that he was an early adherent of a group that later became the North American Man-Boy Love Association.
...I truly don't know what to say about this. Anything witty, sly, or otherwise funny simply PALES in comparison to the truth inherent in this article: The Roman Catholic Church implicitly condones homosexual paedophilia by its priests.
See, these are the problems I have with these acts:
- Sex before/without marriage is against church doctrine
- Homosexual sex is against church doctrine
- Sex with children is against church doctrine
- Priests having sex is against church doctrine
These priests are violating 4 church rules that I can think of, not to mention probably half a dozen more that I don't know about... but instead of kicking these bastards out, they cover it up and then give the admitted homosexual paedophile a "glowing" recommendation to his next post. Hell, #2 alone is enough to get you kicked out of the military, but it's not enough to get you kicked out of a position of moral and spiritual guidance?
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WTF, I Havent Blown Up Kentucky Yet? -- Sharkey @ 7:10 pm
I received this interesting piece of electronic propaganda just a few minutes ago:Subject: Dude, you have to see this.http://www.lrc.state.ky.us/2002rsrecord/hr256.htm
This is an actual bill proposed before the Kentucky Legislature. Click on the HR 256 to read the whole bill.. Fucking AWESOME!
-Klinger
Well, just because I know most of you are too lazy to click a Goddamn link (unless it's titled as "HOT FREE SEX PR0N KATIE HOLMES!"), I'll just save you guys the trouble and post the text right here:HR 256 (BR 2906) - T. Burch Encourage the purchase of a submarine to patrol the waters of the Commonwealth and search and destroy all casino riverboats.
Hey Kentucky, although it would be infantesimally fucking cool to have a submarine patrolling your harbors, save yourself the unneccessary cash and hire the mighty MoFo Army® to fight this battle for you. We'll be more than happy to blow the living bejeezus outta whatever you'd like. Actually, I can guarantee our bloodlust won't be satiated by some simple casino boats, so I'd wager we'll eliminate any hick-like element from your fine state. So, let's say we'll destroy 90% of your population, that sound good? We'll probably leave the casino boats, now that I think about it. The monkeys are notorious gamblers.
Hmmm... how to end this post... how to end... this... post... *snaps fingers*
HOT FREE SEX PR0N KATIE HOLMES!
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Because Lenny Might Need Muscle To Back Him Up -- Sharkey @ 12:22 pm
So I've been trying to get Bolt Boy and one of the twins (explaining would take too long. just imagine attractive identical twins, and take one away) to join up with my gym so that I can not only have someone to go with (sometimes even I can be lazy) but also to eliminate my absolutely absurd monthly charge. See, when I signed up a year and a half ago my mentality was slightly less than optimistic about my devotion to my own health. I eat Fatburger like three times a week for Jebus' sake, how can I stick to a workout plan? So my visit with the "Workout Counselor" (aka: the guy who wants to rape your wallet without lubrication) went something like this: Counselor: "So how long has it been since you've had a stable fitness plan?"
*Translation:* "So when was the last time you even saw a Stairmaster, you disgusting fatass?"
Sharkey: "Uh... high school, when they made me take weight training I suppose."
Counselor: "Great, so you've had some experience. We can get you started on a new plan that will suit your experience right away!"
*Translation:* "So what will it be? The old 'plan to go every day and quit after a week' or 'plan to fail right from the start'?"
Sharkey: "I'm not sure how long I'll be around, so I don't want to get into a long-term contract."
Counselor: "No problem sir, we've got a month to month rate that will easily suit your needs."
*Translation:* "So you're lazy and hideous! Fantastic. I can lock you into paying an arm and a leg for a service that you will use twice and then quit. Praise America!"
Sharkey: "Great, here's my wallet. Take whatever you need you soulless sonuvabitch!"
For some reason it's hard to be a hardass in front of that Counselor the first time you enter the gym. They're quite devious in thier plot to work you over and take your hard-earned dollars. First they give you a one-two punch with all the hard-bodied hotties running around the place in skimpy workout togs. Then once the blood has drained from your head, they make you feel inferior by mocking your body fat percentage. Lastly, they throw out a ton of contractual jargon that makes it sounds as if getting them to shut up is preferable to actually paying attention to the fact that you will now be paying $40 dollars a month under a 12-month contract with a $300 down payment. Way to go, master negotiator. Luckily, I wound up getting my money's worth, as I've gone to the gym at least three times per week since I joined. Unfortunately, after paying an extremely high monthly rate for the past 16 months or so, I got a little testy, which does not fare well with the gym folk.Apparently, this gym also has a cancellation plan that is slightly more complicated than your average Enron tax-planning session. I've tried to quit so that I can try joining again later, at a cheaper rate (which I don't tell them, obviously) and I am deluded with paperwork and promises that I need to call back tomorrow when my "account rep" was available.
So with all this rigamarole you would imagine that having Bolt Boy and the Twin get my old account swapped out for a shiny new one (with more benefits, and the price slashed in half) would be a major pain in the ass, right? Apparently you just have to have a pair of tits and a smile, because they did all that without even having to fucking call me for authorization! That's right, Bolt Boy just called and said "We got your old account cancelled and signed you up for a new one, is that alright?"
I'm taking my gf along with me whenever I need a negotiator at the gym. Unlike other places, they are obviously not intimidated by me. This is why I will one day start my own brand of gym, where the classes will involve the subsequent beating of all previous gym instructors and their places of employment. And uh, clothing is optional ladies.
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I was at a war game, and peace broke out -- Jeff @ 8:34 pm
Let's see. Israel and Palestine are fighting like dogs. Afghans are still being bombed by the U.S. Bush is talking like Iraq is "next". War is happening all over the place. So what does 26-years-of-civil-war Angola do this week? Declare peace.The ceasefire formally ends a civil war that has raged since Angola won independence from Portugal in 1975.
Wow. No snide comments to make. Let's all give a round of applause to the idea of not killing each other any longer.
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Everquest - The Silent Killer? -- Orion @ 8:28 pm
My comment got big enough that I simply wanted to put it up here. I figured that if I was at home and was this long-winded, then I'd splurge and put it on the Main Page.odinhuntr had this comment to Sharkey's earlier post.
She's not trying to sue Sony because she feels that EQ was responsible for her son's death - she's suing them to get information about his character online in the hope that the information would lead to some answers.
odinhuntr calling Sharkey a retard is like the pot calling the DOVE black. Here is the quote from the article, to show that she is not suing for information to be released, but for warning labels to be put on. They are hoping to have them put warning labels on to avoid paying a fine... re-read this particular part.
She has hired an attorney who plans to sue the company in an effort to get warning labels put on the games....
Warning labels are exactly what Jack Thompson, a Miami attorney and vocal critic of the entertainment industry, wants to result from a lawsuit he plans to file against Sony Online Entertainment for Elizabeth Woolley.
"We're trying to whack them with a verdict significantly large so that they, out of fiscal self-interest, will put warning labels on," he said.
Fiscal self-interest means that when the smoke clears the result will be MONEY and not information. The other issue is that if she believed that Everquest was responsible for her son's death, then all she would need would be a court order to have the release of the information, not a law suit. It's the same as any other release of information... get a warrant and show probable cause and it's yours.
Think of this analogy. The kid never played EQ but instead was seeing a psychiatrist. The kid shoots himself and mom thinks that the doctor drove him over the edge instead of helping him. The mother knows the doctor kept tape recordings of sessions. Does she sue the doctor for the tapes or does she contact the police and get a warrant to sieze them?
Retarded Commenters indeed.
On a side note, I have this to say in "defence" of Everquest being linked to mental illness. I agree that it can be as addictive (or more) than cigarettes, cocaine, heroin, or any other addictive substance. However, Sharkey's point here (and last year when that guy killed his kid "because of Everquest") was that if the guy was depressed, epileptic, overweight, schizoid personality disorder, and whatever else, then maybe it wasn't that Everquest that pushed him over the edge. Truth be told, I was a little ticked off at the thought of people having clincs and "treating" people for EQ addiction. My doctor actually said that it was a good thing that I played violent computer games. He figured that if I got my violent tendencies out on computer games, then the world was a safer place without me roaming the streets. The corollary to this is that if someone has huge psychological issues, then would you (your family, friends, the population at large) rather have that person shooting heroin to drown his sorrows, or playing computer games? Going on the "expensive" side, $13 for the game + $60 for cable modem + $20 electricity (just giving you the arbitrary "never turn on computer") is still less than $100 a month. How much does heroin cost again? Hell, for that matter, how much does someone spend when they smoke two packs of cigarettes a day? An alcoholic? Alcohol gets expensive in quantities... even small quantities if you go to bars.
Have I rambled enough? I'm sick of typing shit and I'm guessing you already got the point.
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HAL Is The Next Step -- Sharkey @ 1:05 pm
Apparently computers have feelings too. And they feel that Celine Dion is the digital equivalent of a razorblade enema. [ Celine Dion Causes Computers To Crash ]
Yanni, John Tesh, Cher... I value computers far more than your lives. So if my home PC tells me that it's your life or cable modem, I gotta kill you.
Hmmm... whats that? Oh, my mighty work PC with it's mighty OC-3 connectivity wants me to go get a Fatburger. With extra cheese. I must obey.
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Warning: Everquest Causes Extreme Lack Of Sex -- Sharkey @ 10:11 am
I don't know where to begin this idiot parade today. I've been working really hard at getting the forums running well, so I've been sort of neglecting you guys. Now I've got a whole backlog of stupidity that I need to rant and rave about. So if you'll bear with me, we'll get started with the mother of the kid who killed himself last Thanksgiving after playing Evercrack. She seems to think that it was partially the fault of Sony and Everquest that her son shot himself in the head. Her mentally unbalanced, epileptic, impotent, schizophrenic and clinically depressed son. Yeah, I don't see any reason why he wouldn't have led a normal, healthy life without Everquest."It's like any other addiction," Elizabeth Woolley said last week. "Either you die, go insane or you quit. My son died."Woolley knows her son had problems beyond EverQuest, and she tried to get him help by contacting a mental health program and trying to get him to live in a group home. A psychologist diagnosed him with depression and schizoid personality disorder, symptoms of which include a lack of desire for social relationships, little or no sex drive and a limited range of emotions in social settings.
"This fed right into the EverQuest playing," Woolley said. "It was the perfect escape."
I feel sorry for this lady, I mean she did lose her son after all. But if I were her, I'd be thanking the makers of Everquest for at least spreading a little bit of joy into this poor bastard's life before he decided to up and shoot his'self. It's not like if he'd shut off the computer and gone outside he could have gotten any. He was huge, depressed, and had no sex drive. She's lucky he didn't hang himself years previous to this. I know if my junk didn't work, I'd consider it. That, or homicide. Starting with Steven, the now-filthy-fucking-rich Dell kid.
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A day in the life of... -- KlfJoat @ 1:10 pm
Utopia has arrived.When empty, the glass sends an electronic cry for more beer from the table to waiters equipped with hand-held computers on frequencies similar to those used by mobile phones.
This just in. BillG has no sense of humor.
He may be the world's richest man, but that didn't prevent Bill Gates from falling for an April Fool's Day joke by two Quebec radio comics pretending to be Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien. The radio host said that Gates, the founder of software giant Microsoft and reportedly worth more than $40 billion, was not amused by the fake interview.
"He did not seem angry but he did not find it so funny," the comic told Reuters.
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Hicks Everywhere Are Vindicated -- Sharkey @ 1:02 pm
Well, there's nothing more I like on a Thursday morning than being horribly disturbed. Howsabout you? [ Scientists Say "Go Ahead, Knock Up Your Cousin. We Dare Ya." ]
Let's just say it's a "low point" kinda day for science.
Contrary to widely held beliefs and long-standing taboos in America, first cousins can have children together without a great risk of birth defects or genetic disease, scientists are reporting today. They say there is no biological reason to discourage cousins from marrying.
I don't need any more information than that. What's horrifying is that so many people are fucking their cousins that it's become a fashion statement. *shudders*
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| Wednesday, April 03, 2002 |
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Warning To Terrorists: Duck & Cover At 11 O'Clock -- Sharkey @ 11:19 am
For my money, there's nothing more civilized and in the spirit of community gathering than a good ol' fashioned street riot. Unfortunately, sometimes The Man® has got to keep us hardcore mufuggaz down by breaking our riots up. And that's just what happened when our compatriots from Indiana broke into a rage on the streets of Bloomington. Wait... did I say compatriots? I meant "fucktwats". Read on..."They pepper-sprayed me — do you know how that hurts!" said Dave Bush, 20, an IU student studying conservation. "There is a riot, and I understand they have to do what they have to do, but they didn't have to head butt me in the face with a shield after being ordered to move.""They could have easily done that," Raggs said. "If they would have said, 'You have 10 minutes, then we are going to use the tear gas,' people would have gone away."
Wait... the rioters are complaining about having tear gas used on them? Does anybody smell something stupid? Indiana, I'm looking your way. The deployment was implemented also as a result of numerous head injuries to people in the crowd and fires burning out of control, Qualters said. At night's end, 21 city police officers reported minor injuries, while three state police troopers were injured — one with a cut on his leg that required seven stitches, and another with a head injury that received eight stitches, said Bloomington police Capt. Mike Diekhoff.Forty-seven of the roughly 85 state police troopers reported being struck with rocks and bottles, Diekhoff said.
This is exactly why I should be in charge of this planet. Even if some dumbfucks decided to riot on my streets, you can wager that if they struck one of my simian officers, they'd be complaining about far more than a little bit of tear gas. At least, they would complain if they still had their tongues attached. Honestly, if I'm in the middle of a riot, I would expect at minimum to be beaten with a billy club and bloodied in some fashion. Getting off with just tear gas is like giving Timothy McVeigh a fork and making him jam it into a lightsocket. I've been doused with large animal repellant before, and believe me, it's not that bad. It hurts like a motherfucker and you're blind for a half hour, but at least you're not unconscious.
Fucking liberal arts majors. I'm dispatching a whorde of monkey assassins to IU to make these dipshits shed some real tears.
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Don't hit the DELETE key -- Jeff @ 12:29 am
There is nothing cooler than lasers. These bringers of hurt are more terrifying than booby traps, rocket launchers, and the Desert Eagle Point-Five-Oh. Lasers shooting out of your eyes is wrong, but lasers shooting out of robot eyes is okay. If a laser is shooting through the sky towards you, even a child knows the jig is up and shits his pants.However, lasers are still too bulky for your average everday robot death squad, so we'll just have to settle for robots with guns.
Called "Roboguard", the gun-toting sentinel is designed as a cheap alternative to a human guard. It can be ordered to fire at will, or told to check first with a human via a secure Internet connection.
Just like lasers coming from your fingertips, this just ain't right. I don't know where to start.
Well, how about the "manual or automatic modes"? Dammit, all guns should be automatic. When the robot wars start up (and believe me, they're on their way), who is gonna win, the robots with AK-47's or the ones with revolvers? Model #AK-47 is who. And what about using infrared vision? It ain't futuristic enough unless it uses x-rays. And what about this password protection? What if you forget what it is? How are gonna shoot the perp in his face if you forget the fucking password???
DAMMIT. This thing is about as sexy and deadly as a stick twist-tied to a cardboard box. If we're going to get our robo-militia on, I want these things to be the electronic versions of ninjas. They better be all black and have Cyclon eyes. And they better damn well shoot lasers. A lot.
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Now Serving Patient Number 12 -- Sharkey @ 2:47 pm
It's just a busy Goddamn day. A busy weekend, as a matter of fact, which has bled into what will no doubt be an ass-whuppingly busy week. Currently, I'm working out the glitches with the new forums, as well as eliminating the nefarious lurkers from the server. That, combined with the forthcoming redesign, real life stuff (which I will discuss in an hour or two), and the dreaded workplace, have caused massive overload. So instead of posting something comedic, I'm going to finish my work here and then get back to you. In the meantime, let Sean Connery be your guide...
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The place goes to shit without Sharkey -- KlfJoat @ 7:17 am
Damnit, Sharkey should have warned me on Thursday that he was leaving for the weekend. That way, someone could have had control over the Simian Army.Packs of wild monkeys are invading parks and neighborhoods in greater numbers, aggressively begging for food and sometimes snatching bags from frightened passersby.
Of course. In the greatest tradition of the Mofo--no fear! What truly troubles me is this:Concerned the animals may pose a growing health hazard and nuisance, the government has begun testing a unique method to control their numbers. It is implementing what's thought to be the world's first monkey birth control program.
Now what monster would deprive one of our faithful servants of their right to get a little tail... or a long tail, as the case may be.
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