The Perks of Being a Security Guard

By Gary Coleman
Mall Security Guard

        A lot of people have made fun of the fact that I went from a child star on a hit TV series to a Security Guard. They talk like it's some demeaning job for a man to have! Well I'm here to set the record straight, because being a Security Guard is one of the best jobs I've ever had.

        Being a Security Guard takes a lot of preparation. You've got to be well trained in self defense, you've got to get licenses to carry all your bitchin' weapons, and a license to actually be a Security Guard. It all pays off in the end though, because in the eyes of everyone else, you are a badass. You are the authority, the last word on what goes. Somebody fucks with you, take them out back and bash them in the kneecaps with your nightstick. A perp gives you any lip, bust out your asp and whack him in the nuts.

        And let me tell you, the chicks dig authority. Wherever you go, chicks want to hear stories about any crimes you've seen, people you've had to smack around, you name it. Security Guards get all the pussy.

        This one fine chick was in a department store I was guarding last week, and she's all, "Oh my God, you're Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes!". I fucking hate it when people call me Arnold, but she was fine like you wouldn't believe, so I let it slide. I started telling her about this one time before I had my gun license, and two perps tried to shoplift. I start hauling ass after them, and just as one of them motherfuckers was about to jump the fence out back, I grabbed my keys and chucked them at his head. He dropped like a bitch, and I grabbed my nightstick and (WHACK) took out his knees. She got all hot and bothered after that one. You know I was gettin' a piece of that ass.

        There isn't much to the job. When you guard a place with money, you watch the money, and sometimes go with them to the bank. Most of the time you're free to do whatever you want. I usually do perimeter checks to see if any people are screwing in their cars (happens much more often than you think). Then usually I go back to the desk and watch some TV, or go try and pick up on some of the females. Wherever you work, you usually can get free shit too. Like the time I worked the supermarket and they gave me all the damaged shit at the end of the night. Damn, I was eatin' free for a week! You can use thier phones to make long distance calls if you're sneaky about it.

        They got some fine-ass chicks at the place I been working on Tuesdays. I been working there for awhile, and I've gotten to be pretty good friends with the people there. Some of them like to fuck with me though. Like the time they told me some guy was passed out in the broom closet, and when I opened the door they shoved me in and locked it. I was stuck in there for two damn days! The janitor finally had to let me out, and when he did I was so pissed I pepper sprayed his ass. Sometimes after they close the store we have chicken fights, where people get on other people's shoulders and try to knock each other off. I kick ass at that game. Usually I try to grab hair, or look down the chick's blouses when I get close enough. One of the guys got drunk and thought it would be cute to jump up on my back. Nearly put me in traction. I barely had enough strength to kick him in the balls when I got up.

        Next time you go to a mall and see one of us "Rent-a-pigs", give a little more respect. We're not all the wannabe cops you think we are. We may sit behind a desk most of the time, but we could kick your ass, and we probably score more than you too.

Peace Out

Gary C.

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