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BadassMoFo.com Archives - Ancient Swankness
August 2002 Archive
meow -- Posted by NHDJ1 @ 1:31 PM
listen here, meow...-- [ 0 Comment(s) ] :: [ Post In The Forum ]
Hi -- Posted by Jacko @ 3:46 PM
This is cool like a cucumber. -- [ 0 Comment(s) ] :: [ Post In The Forum ]
Test -- Posted by Sharkey @ 1:38 PM
Hi-- [ 0 Comment(s) ] :: [ Post In The Forum ]
| Wednesday, August 28, 2002 |
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But you said... -- Jacko @ 3:21 pm
I was organizing some of the MP3s on this machine, and I came across this little gem from the days of wayback—almost guaranteed to brighten anyone's day. Note: I suck at the internet, so if this doesn't work, send me e-mail or something.
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Need to Piss? Beam says hold it -- Jacko @ 2:46 pm
Mofo Advisory: Avoid Jim Beam until this issue is worked out:
Employees at the Jim Beam bourbon distillery are getting sour over restrictions on bathroom breaks.Workers on the bottling line are fuming about being limited to four breaks per 8 1/2 hour shift, only one of which can be unscheduled. Extra trips to the bathroom can result in reprimands. Workers with six violations can be fired. Hmm, if I worked at a bottling plant at which my employer refused me the opportunity to take a leak, I'll give you three guesses as to where it would end out. And it wouldn't be my pants.
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Challenge of the Egos -- Jacko @ 2:09 pm
[Judge slams consultant's demand of $100 per hour for jury duty]
A computer software consultant who responded to a jury summons by demanding $100 an hour for his services showed up for duty Monday, after a judge's warning compelled him to lower his rate. Williamson, of San Antonio, was called in to be part of the jury pool for a seven-week trial. He sent the court an invoice for $16,800 for "court-ordered professional services for the entire month of August 2002." He also warned officials that the bill would start accruing interest if not paid by the end of August. And then came the topper: "If you would like to meet and discuss this, please have his honor call and schedule an appointment." I could waste both of our time explaining what a shitbird this guy is, but, the response from U.S. District Judge Fred Biery is much more entertaining: "The Court is happy to accommodate Mr. Williamson's suggestion for an appointment," Biery's faxed response read. "Mr. Williamson is hereby ordered to appear ... to show cause why he should not be held in contempt of the court and jailed accordingly." Too bad slapnuts doesn't watch enough Law and Order to know that the only people on earth with larger egos than consultants are judges. It is not a good practice to fuck with a man that can throw your ass in jail for looking at him funny.
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"Focus Your Chi" Becomes Another Euphamism -- Sharkey @ 12:11 pm
 The fact that they use the term "unsheathed" to describe the debut of this product makes it all worth the effort. Top Japanese prophylactic manufacturer Sagami Industries Co. has unsheathed the latest weapon in its already formidable armory. Marketed by Ii Project, which refers to it as a "world's first revolutionary product," it's a condom that apparently vibrates slightly by drawing on the body's ki, it's life-giving energy source. And it's apparently selling like hotcakes. What the product promises, then, is enhanced feeling maintained for a longer time when compared with the normal condom. Top porn actor Takashi Kato can see its benefits. "It's perfectly feasible that people could use such an item and truly feel that they have greater staying power or an improvement in sensation," he tells Shukan Post. "What you probably find is that it acts as a sort of mental crutch for guys who have little confidence in their technique or staying power." Perhaps I'm reading this article wrong. Is this supposed to give advanced pleasure to her or him? It sounds like it makes him happier, while prolonging the staying power at the same time. Seems like an oxymoron to me. Either way, I call bullshit. If only a certain percentage of people say that they noticed a difference, then you can equate it's effects to those obviously bullshit dick enlarger pill ads that come in 100 SPAM messages per day. The poor guy sits there taking the pills, measuring, taking the pills, measuring, and so on until he psychologically convinces himself that his dinky wang is slightly less diminutive. Give it up, dinky wang man. My advice is to start playing games with those LURPS chumps. If you do get any tail, which is doubtful, it will be with one of the fat LURPS chicks who wouldn't know a decent lay from a ride on an imaginary horse. Besides, your only competition or possible comparison will be the other LURPS geeks, who's combined sexual prowess likely stops at right clicking and mildly arthritic wrists.
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Satan Invites You To This AIM Chat! -- Sharkey @ 2:12 pm
If the bidding war on this AIM name isn't a load of bullshit, then I'm afraid humanity has spent it's last ounce of credit with the Sharkey Bank Of Patience. Within two weeks you will all receive your jury-duty style summons notifications, with the directions and appointment times for your arsenic showers. Don't worry, the tingle means its working.
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Spaghetti Western Friday -- Sharkey @ 3:17 pm
The Good: I'm getting off work right now.
The Bad: It's so I can see the dentist about pulling my wisdom teeth.
The Ugly: BLEH.Update: Well, I'm one tooth and a couple hundred bucks thinner. Maybe it's time to look for a side job that's got dental benefits. It was over pretty quick, except the ten minutes that I spent on the phone with my bank, just after having my mouth deliciously numbed up. Thankfully it wasn't one of my front teeth being pulled, or I might have slobbered all over the receiver. After figuring out that either my card had been magnetized within the last three hours, or that my dentist was a complete moron (just the thought you want running through your head as he shoves metal objects into your gaping maw) we were back on track. The process took all of 2 minutes. I did, however, get a few of the guy's (unsolicited) cards. Apparently he wants me to plug him to my friends and family. Anyone want to know the name of a dentist who can't effectively use a credit card machine? One last thing, I'd like to thank 1-800 DENTIST for their reccomendation of a dental facility. Aside from being two towns away and in the center of the slummiest Mexican (ie: all signs in Spanish) part of an already Mexican town, there were a remarkable amount of vagrants and unsavory skanks wandering around pandering for one thing or another. I'm not racist or anything, it's just not a spot that we crackers usually roam into. Probably because the drive-thru attendants (unbelievably) speak less English than they do here. See, the benefit of this locale was that I was too concerned for my new car stereo to worry about things like broken teeth, pain, or mishaps from Dr. Credit Ineptness, DDS. Kudos to you, 1-800-DENTIST. You've thought of everything. ...Fuckers.
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Does He Play With Himself? Wait, No, I Meant... -- Sharkey @ 12:28 pm
You know, I love the game o' Scrabble. It's especially grand when you turn it into a drinking and or stripping version of itself. But no matter how good you are, you probably don't rack up the kind of scores that the new world champion can put on the board. But when you take a look at the guy and the life he leads... do you want to?Sherman lives in the Bronx borough of New York City and said he hasn't held a regular job in more than a decade. He won the world Scrabble championship in 1997. "This is all I do," he said. Sherman plans to use the $25,000 prize money for living expenses. Hmmm... I wonder how I would best classify this fellow. Let's let those who know him best, the Scrabble tiles, decide his fate.
The tiles have spoken, and their speech is worth 30 points with the triple word score.
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Just when you decided you will never need a Palm -- Jacko @ 9:50 am
They go and make this shit:
[MineFinder 1.2]Visually identify over 150 different types of landmines. An easy to use, graphic based system allows you to quickly determine critical information about any mine. Includes scaled drawings and detailed descriptions including size, weight, fuse type, and explosive content/type. Sort mines by type, characteristics, or country of origin. And, not only is it theoretically useful, say, for impressing people at cocktail parties, LT. Joseph Danilov (surprisingly, or not, the only reviewer) had this to say: "This is a great app. A must have for a NATO peacekeeping units stationed over-seas. I am no demolition expert but this manual was worth its weight in gold about 2 weeks ago. A 7 year old afghan child had found a M-22 AP mine, a.k.a. stepped on. The manual identified this mine and I defused it. Thank you very much to the maker of this application." That almost sounds believable (not really, but go with it) until you read the last line: "Go Army www.army.com" Damn recruiters, they made this up just like they made up all that crap about money for college. MineFinder 1.2: Army of One.
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| Thursday, August 22, 2002 |
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I'd Like To Report A Missing Wallet & A Bag Of Crack -- Sharkey @ 1:00 pm
It's sort of sardonic that if he had recovered the item without getting caught, he would be seen as a ballsy motherfucker. As it stands, he's just a fuckwit. Dare to dream fella, dare to dream. LOPATCONG TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Thomas Warner got his fanny pack returned, but now he must pay for it. The Pennsylvania man went to police headquarters Tuesday to claim the item, which had been swiped while he was in a liquor store. A search uncovered something a little extra — a small amount of marijuana and a pipe used to smoke it. Authorities charged him with possession of less than 50 grams of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia before releasing him. It always amazes me when common sense seems to elude people so often. It's like when God was handing out common sense, they were off getting a Frappuccino®. Just in case some of you were born without the mighty common sense gene, let me take a moment to discuss a few "golden rules" when it comes to living your life. The following are a list of bad ideas, that the common sense you currently lack should tell you to avoid:- Don't say to your boss "I'm so glad I got all my work done, now I can slack off the rest of the day."
- Don't film yourself screwing your wife's sister and keep a copy of the videotape within the city limits of your house.
- Don't use ethnic slurs like "nigger" or "jigaboo" when describing Mike Tyson within five feet of the former champ. Even if he is incarcerated.
- You should never need to utter the phrase "I can take that bear. Gimme the stick, Zeke."
- Don't keep your drugs inside any carrying device that also contains your personal information. If said carrying device is stolen, do not report it to the police.
I hope I've helped. This has been a public service announcement from your friends at Badassmofo.com.
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Because The Ginger Sucked Ass -- Sharkey @ 11:27 am
Lemme tell you about a cause I wholeheartedly support: Bamf staffer Pyros' [ The Big Kid's Big Wheel Project ]. After the story earlier this week about the jackass getting cited for drunkedly stealing one and making an idiot of himself, I can only imagine the possibilities of a larger, more stable version of the 70s icon. He plans to build a bigass BigWheel® that adults can ride on. Then at some point, the giant monstrocity will come to my door, so that we California MoFos can get drunk and film the next On The Prowl from it. Or something, who knows. All I figure is that big people + Big Wheel = big comedy. Observe the effect on a regular Big Wheel: 
Clickenzie der linken, you schvine!Chilling, yet strangely intriguing at the same time.
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| Wednesday, August 21, 2002 |
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Waiting For God Only Knows What -- Sharkey @ 12:42 pm
Every now and again I'll get really burned out on the whole Internet schtick. It's in my job, its in my home, friend's homes, and eventually I just feel like there's nothing to see. Nothing worth noting, nothing original, nothing new. But then again... 
CastFetish.com...OK. I stand corrected. NOW I can say there's nothing new, interesting, or original.
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Square Is Top Of Cool Shape In The World... -- Sharkey @ 12:09 pm
In my travels abroad, I noticed that a lot of our film stars are quite prominent in foreign advertisements. George Clooney had his own line of sunglasses, every actress had a line of clothing, and Sonny Bono had a posthumous line of ski apparel. While I was surprised to see their grinning mugs hocking these wares, I was even more surprised to see what kind of shit goes down a little farther towards the East: [ Japander.com ]  SUPER HAPPY FUNTIME AH-NULD! - Mother of sweet merciful crap. Look upon the face of California's (potential) future governor. Your skanks, Mr. Cage... - I dunno what the fuck he's selling in that crazy video with the hot cars and loose broads, but I like it. I'll take three. Richard Gere sings for your laughter. - Well, not really, but that's what he'll get. Jesus, stick to acting.
Oddly enough, Brad Pitt seems to have the most Asian commercials. And most of them are of him acting like a jackass to his personal assistant. Personally, I can't wait until I start flooding the Japanese market with my patented "Sharkey's Monkey Off!" simian repellant. Keeps those nasty winged monkeys out of your face, while leaving behind a fresh pine scent. Also available in "cherry" or "new car". Why would they want a monkey repellant, you ask? Simple as the plot for Mission Impossible II. Flood the country with rabid winged marmocets, and people will want them to stop biting their fucking eyes. Monkeys + Eyes / Cost Of Product = Profit.
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| Saturday, August 17, 2002 |
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Breakin' The Law, Breakin' The Law... -- Sharkey @ 6:18 pm
Apparently if the major music labels had their way, we'd all be running on 56K until the end of time. At least, that's the only conclusion I can come up with after their latest bit of ridiculousness.The world's largest record companies sued major Internet service and network providers on Friday, alleging their routing systems allow users to access the China-based Listen4ever.com Web site and unlawfully copy musical recordings. The copyright infringement suit, filed in Manhattan federal court, seeks a court order requiring the defendants to block Internet communications that travel through their systems to and from the Listen4ever site. The suit says the plaintiffs have not been able to determine who owns the Web site. With all the bullshit that goes on between the RIAA and the music labels, it just doesn't surprise me anymore. I could wake up to Sony Music's legal department taking turns shitting in my washing machine and I wouldn't think twice about it. This reminds me, I just got a new Kenwood mp3 player installed in my car (to match the CD changer, in case you trolls wanted to bitch about my brand preference) so I'm going to need a lot more mp3s. Yay piracy.
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You're invited but your friend can't come -- Jacko @ 5:29 pm
Cause she doesn't know the words to any of my shitty solo songs. [Motley Crue Singer Berates Audience, Walks Out]
Motley Crue lead singer Vince Neil walked off a nightclub stage in a huff -- apparently because the audience didn't know the lyrics of some of his solo numbers. Neil was performing with a backup band in Steamboat Springs, Colo. The manager of the club says Neil played a few Motley Crue tunes, then played a few of his own. That's when it got ugly. The manager says Neil yelled some obscenities, called the crowd "losers" and walked out. Vince's inventive outlay of profanity and clever usage of the mother-of-all-derogatory-terms "loser" becomes refreshingly ironic when you read: The club's refunding the $25 tickets. The manager says he may lose money on the show, since it cost $1,200 to hire Neil. $1,200 a night? A resourceful stripper with a penchant for fellatio could pull that down by twilight, and at least she would be able to keep some dignity. Vince in 1992:
"Actually I'm really jazzed about starting a solo career, and all my buddies from all kinds of other bands are like, 'Hey dude man, I want to play on your record,' and it's just great. I think things happen for a reason and I think this just might be the best thing right now for both of us." Hey dude man, rock and fucking roll.
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I'd Be Clocking His Speed Just For Fun -- Sharkey @ 5:28 pm
 I love it when a story is so great, I don't have to write a Goddamn thing.BETHLEHEM, Pa. — A police officer on his way to work at 6:30 a.m. Monday was startled to see a 30-year-old man cruising down the street on a child's Fisher Price Power Wheels car. After the slowest pursuit on record, the officer found out the man, who smelled of alcohol, was trying to get to a relative's home. Meantime, a woman reported her child's toy car had been swiped. No charges were filed in the "stolen car case," but the "driver" of the tyke-mobile received a citation for public drunkenness. At least you know he wasn't cruising for any backseat Bettys in that thing. Not unless he wanted to risk the chance of serious denting and getting a plastic rear view mirror stuck in his ass. You think the officer who followed him might have questioned the validity of his own job while driving after that asshole?
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Next Field Trip: The Anheuser-Busch Brewery -- Sharkey @ 11:44 am
I took a field trip to Washington DC when I was in 8th grade, and we saw crack dealers, bums, and hookers. Aside from the fact that I was nearly kicked out and flown home (religious schools don't appreciate my sense of humor) I thought it was the best field trip ever. If I'd only known how much better it could have been:The kids were visiting Grafton Lakes State Park in upstate New York. When they got to the beach, they saw a man taking pictures of a bare-chested woman. The kids were accompanied by their counselors and some parents. When the parents complained, lifeguards said the pair had a permit for the photo session. But officials at the state parks department say they didn't know a topless model would involved. C'mon man, seeing real live boobies before jr. high is like finding the Holy Grail. And if you don't ever have anyone to back up your story, nobody will believe it. You'll be like the one sad bastard out of a million who actually did hook up with a chick in Niagra Falls on his family's vacation. Sidenote: I had a friend named Peter freshman year of high school who kept showing us pictures of this blonde "girlfriend" from back in Detroit. We were never convinced of the validity of the story, until the day his mom looked through his wallet and asked why he had a picture of his cousin in it.
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| Thursday, August 15, 2002 |
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Thursday Morning Correspondence -- Sharkey @ 11:15 am
I'm shaking in my boots.Greetings,My name is Gordon Shumway and I am an attorney at Barren and Frye. Our firm has been contacted to review your use of other websites and material contained within. Upon reading your Privacy Policy you have stated that any and all material on your site is yours and any copy, or use of said material will be handled in by legal means. Since reading this statement, I must assume you are fully aware of copyright laws and have intentionally chosen to break said laws. Since this is the case, we will be forwarding to you a letter asking you to cease use of all non internally generated images and text, as well as copying it to the State of California. Should you choose not to comply, My firm will be force to bring suit against you. Should you publish this letter in any way, shape or form, I shall consider it an act of noncompliance. Thank you Gordon Shumway Esquire  Since I already ordered copies of this letter on personalized toilet paper from Cafepress, I guess that counts as "any way, shape, or form" of publishing, so I may as well share it with all of you. Here's a thought. Why would a lawyer overlook the fact that our privacy policy (which I had to put in when we were with Bla-Bla a million years ago) it states that it does not pertain to outside content. And why would a single lawyer (with a pencheant for typos) at a big firm (so big that Google has never heard of them) use such a generic email as barrenandfrye@yahoo.com? And last but not least, when the fuck did ALF become a lawyer? Does his completely anonymous client(s) take payment in cat meat? Anyway, aside from the chuckle that this idiotic e-mail provided, it did bring to my attention that the privacy policy was out of date. Heaven forbid that I have © 2001 on anything around here. Someone could just waltz right in and steal our precious, precious content! And then I'd have to hire lawyers to send threatening letters. I wonder if that Evie chick from Out Of This World has passed the Bar exam yet.
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| Wednesday, August 14, 2002 |
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Where’s a grenade when you need one? -- FaaQ @ 12:33 pm
Ahoy the world of LARPing. You know that fun filled activity of dressing up as your favorite D&D character, running round with wooden weapons, and throwing plastic darts while yelling “Lightning Bolt”. Or wait you probably know nothing about this because you're not some fucking loser lost in a world of make belive, fantasy, and downright lonliness. Or maybe you're just not as pathetic a loser as this group is. I bring to thee: Legends of Roleplaying Don't worry, if the pictures of swashbuckling idiots don't kil you it gets worse they have videos: (right click, save as, die laughing) Fat girls and retards in capes taking on "Ogres"
Failed Ricer is now Samurai Shitbag
Part time Dairy Queen worker/Poo Princess speaks with a comrade Think thats bad, get a load of the clowns at: Bastet.org The gallerys alone is worth hours of gut busting hilarity. Just a sample for those of you who are too timid to go forth and venture into the land of the utterly retarded I will present a sample gallery of mutants for your viewing pleasure. Click the pics for a larger version.    Alas I am far too disturbed to go further with this. Ranking up there with the "Furry" phenomena, COSplay and people who play Hentai games, the internet has become a bastion for the mentaly defficient members of our society. Thanks to the members of the Something Awful Forums for enlightening me regarding the Lurps.
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Jailed For Sharing Journey Tunes -- Sharkey @ 11:36 am
[ The Entertainment Industry Wants You In Jail, Cyber-Thief! ]Last Friday, Reuters reported that some of the most senior members of Congress are pressuring the Justice Department to invoke a little-known law: the No Electronic Theft (NET) Act. Under the NET Act, signed by President Clinton in 1997, it is a federal crime for a person to share copies of copyrighted products such as software, movies or music with friends and family members if the value of the work exceeds $1,000. Violations are punishable by one year in prison, or if the value tops $2,500, not more than five years in prison. Over 2,500 bucks gets you a nickel in the state pen. Let's see, breaking down the math, you've got an average of 13 bucks for a CD, with an average of twelve songs on it, right? That's roughly a dollar a song. That means that if you've got 2500 mp3s on your machine, and you burn copies for your brother in Des Moines who doesn't have broadband, you're in some fucking trouble. Thankfully, this is just a tactic to pursue some larger criminals or people who are probably turning a profit on sharing these files. I sincerely doubt they're going to go after the hundreds of thousands of geeks who share mp3s with their Dungeons & Dragons guild at school. They've got enough social problems without having to worry about getting ass-raped in the shower by a massive black fellow oxymoronically named "Tiny".
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Too Bad, My Car Is Actually Quite Dirty -- Sharkey @ 3:19 pm
Disturbing things to see outside the supermarket at lunch #159: Ten-year-old girl's gymnastics team offering carwashes in their gynmastics gear, advertising by doing the splits, cartwheels, and other things that didn't seem very appropriate at the time. *shakes head*Hey Klf, if you hurry and hop on a plane, maybe you can catch them before their bedtime.
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Beer > Wine, Health Experts Say -- Orion @ 1:21 pm
The very sexy Tarka sent this one to me. Beer is good for your health.If you've seen it already, then please refer to my title as King Of Old Newstm.
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Next Week On "Fox's When Animals Attack!" -- Sharkey @ 3:48 pm
Now I know a lot of you must have been (or possibly are) little shitbag cry-a-lots who sat around thinking about killing themselves day in and day out because your life in suburbia must have been oh-so hard. Just because you're too big a pussy to ask out the girl of your dreams doesn't make life an unfair wasteland of hatred and depression. You're confusing life with your own dumb ass. Holy shit, that was a fun tangeant. Anyway, like I was saying. Since by statistics sake alone, some of you have no doubt pondered your own suicide countless times, you must have thought of some pretty fucking cool ways to do it. Throwing yourself into a wheat thresher: cool. Commiting hari-kiri with mom's kitchenware: not so cool. Kicking Mike Tyson in the balls with Doc Martens: cool. (Bonus points for screaming "I'll fuck you til you love me, faggot!") Anyhow, it's taken us three paragraphs just to get to the Goddamn link, so howabout I just save you a moment and state that no matter how cool your idea for a testosterone pumping death, you probably would've cried like a little bitch while doing it. Then you would've been shamed in your crybaby version of Hell to learn that a woman jumped into a pit of crocodiles and didn't make a peep as they tore her limb from limb. Yeah. Who's the man now, dog? The woman, 40, climbed a two-meter high fence and jumped into a concrete enclosure at the Famut Prakarn Crocodile Farm on the outskirts of the Thai capital, a tour guide who witnessed the event said Sunday. A crocodile dragged the woman into a pond and several animals swarmed over and tore her body apart. "She did not cry or scream when she was bitten," Tanet Virayaporn, the tour guide, told Reuters. Police said the woman had left a suicide note in which she complained about her husband and apologized to family members. You know, as cold-hearted of a bastard I can be, even I would've found that to be a horrible tragedy, and not the least bit entertaining. Nope, not one bit. Oh, how can I lie to you? I thought Faces Of Death was a comedy. Too bad this didn't happen in Japan, otherwise Fox could buy the rights to 18 different angles purchased from the countless Japanese guys videotaping it. They should give a copy to her husband that drove her over the edge. Not that he isn't in a bit of emotional fucked-uppedness as it is right now. After all, his wife just basically said that she'd rather be torn to shreds by a pack of crocodiles than share a bed with him one more night. Kinda puts a chink in your batting average, doesn't it? Definitely one to leave off your resume.
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| Saturday, August 10, 2002 |
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You Say Viagra, I Say Melanotan -- NHDJ1 @ 11:29 pm
[Popping an innocious pill may soon not only give you an all-over tan, but also add that extra zing to your sex life.]"Not only that, in its raw form Melanotan is seen to suppress appetite and tackle acne too...Dr Wayne Millen...says the drug's main aim is as 'an extra bullet...in the fight against skin cancer'." Awesome...so I guess by 2010 every female on the face of the planet is going to have a pleasant figure, a nice tan, great skin, cancer free, and men will be able to stop cheating on their wives/girlfriends due to insufficient sex. And to think...I've been interviewing all of these obese, acne covered cancer patients for Sharkey's future harem when he rules the planet. Oh well, back to the drawing boards.
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I Told You So. -- NHDJ1 @ 8:43 am
This really has nothing to do with the occult.
Nor does it have anything to do with current topics. This is about robots. A robot show to be precise.
This is a blatant shout to some people who don't even read this site that I was right and they were wrong. So if you're reading this, trust me...this isn't directed at you. *clears throat* I TOLD YOU THAT THE FUCKING GIRL ROBOT IN THAT TRANZOR-Z SHOW HAD BOOB ROCKETS!! Thank you. Have a merry Friday. For more toy browsing/buying fun...go here.
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| Thursday, August 08, 2002 |
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American As Apple Porn... Uh...Pie. Hell, What's The Difference? -- Sharkey @ 8:20 pm
One of you faithful readers sent me this before I left work, but since I'm no longer at work, I can't identify that kind soul. Think of it as doing your anonymous duty for your country. [ Pornographer says he hacked al Qaeda ] Messner, using the aggressive tactics he's employed to run his adult site, said he "hijacked" Al Neda for five days and recorded a "virtual who's-who of every hostile message board and site on the Internet." Traffic to the site increased under his control, most of it coming from Saudi Arabia, he said. The majority of the September 11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia. I salute you, brave pornographer. You're doing your American duty. ...with the porn, I meant. The story's probably bullshit.
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I Always Figured Totem Poles Were 'Overcompensation' -- Sharkey @ 11:15 am
Keeping with the "black magic" brand of news today (I guess this makes two stories, but who cares, you can't count anyway) I bring you a tale from an offshoot of Silicon Valley in Northern California, where a town is gripped with fear due to a curse on thier beloved sewer system. Elderly residents swear up and down that their shit didn't stink before they pissed off the Injun.LIVERMORE, Calif. — Adam Fortunate Eagle Nordwall, who put a curse on the city's sewer system in the early 70s, said he will remove it if the city apologizes. Nordwall claims the city mistreated a totem pole he gave as a gift. Workers restored the pole, and in 1995 upgraded it with new paint. Still, Nordwall is holding out for an apology ceremony, which Mayor Marshall Kamena supports. ''I'd rather not mess with something I don't understand,'' he said.  Rather than piss off a lot of people with jokes about fire water and peace pipes, I'd like to reiterate that last line one more time for you:...which Mayor Marshall Kamena supports. ''I'd rather not mess with something I don't understand,'' he said. This is probably why Mayor Kamena's VCR, home computer, and wife's genitalia remain remarkably un-tinkered with. And now I think I should end this post, because there's far too many opportunities for me to upset the public with further rascist comments regarding the proud culture of our Native Americans. So with that, I bid you good day. *turns to walk out back door* *runs back* Do you think when the chief says "give me a public apology" he means "let me build a casino, white devil"? ...Dammit.
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Voodoo, Voodoo -- Jacko @ 10:28 am
[Join or I'll metaphysically fork you in the eyes!]
A nursing home that accused union organizers of using voodoo to frighten its Haitian-American employees into joining has been accused by federal officials of mistreating workers. Earlier this year, the nursing home had accused the Service Employees International Union of planting lines of pennies and half-empty water cups -- bad omens in voodoo lore -- at the center in an effort to scare workers into joining the union. Bitchin. Since voodoo seems to be so damn interesting right now (there is nothing interesting right now) I decided to do some research (a google search) to explore the depths of voodoo and (as has become quite standard for me) make awful jokes and horrible generalizations about their beliefs in a futile attempt at humor.
...Uh, on second thought, maybe making fun of this voodoo shit isn't such a great idea...
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| Wednesday, August 07, 2002 |
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I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade but, oh, no, you wanted to shoot heroin instead -- Jacko @ 5:25 pm
[Comic books for drug addicts]
Sitting in a drug counseling center’s waiting room, Elizabeth Forrest giggles as she scans a comic book explaining "how to roll a perfect joint" in nine easy steps. The comic book, "Everything You Wanted to Know about Cannabis, An Insider’s Guide", is one of dozens published by Lifeline, a nonprofit drug-counseling group in the United Kingdom, that give tips on how to smoke pot or drop acid and still look and feel good. Have any of you UK MoFos seen the comic, or better yet, posses scans? Think Photoshop.
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Mac: "Too Cool?" -- Jacko @ 11:12 am
I always enjoy reading articles in which the author misses the point so fucking badly you feel embarrassed for them. Well, I feel embarrassed for this guy.[Why Nobody Buys Apple]
A story in Macworld UK says that the Apple brand has been picked out as 'cool' by a survey from NFO World Group. It's all very well being cool - but when did your average IT nerd care about that? IT technology is not cool and IT technologists have a tendency to stay away from anything that could be considered as cool. Actually, I think that is has more to do with the fact that IT people have a tendency to be intelligent and make decisions that foster compatibility, performance, and most importantly, earnings. This guy is an assflaming idiot if he thinks that IT people don't use Mac because it is cool or un-cool. If Mac made anything that hasn't already been done better and cheaper, even Faaq would buy one (well, maybe not). But they don't. They are overpriced, over-trendy, can't be upgraded, and they have shitty software libraries. Guy's an obvious closet homo. 
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Florida to Practice Voting -- Jacko @ 10:52 am
[Florida: A Haven for Swine]
A proposal to make caging pregnant pigs unconstitutional in Florida qualified for the November ballot after what was thought to be the nation's first such petition drive. The amendment would phase out the use of 2-foot by 7-foot metal cages to confine sows during pregnancy, as well as tight tethers.Florida is 30th in the nation in hog production, far behind leaders like Iowa, North Carolina and Minnesota, and only a few swine producers in the state are known to confine pregnant pigs in crates. With the systemic problems Florida has encountered with elections so far, officials hope that some practice with voting systems might allow residents to vote correctly on the issues that are truly important, such as whether or not to increase country club fees and choosing the Senior Softball League president.
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Screw The Honor System, I'm Outta Here! -- Sharkey @ 1:17 pm
[ Haitian Gunmen Attack Jail With Tractor, Free 159 Inmates ]Heavily-armed gunmen stole a tractor and crashed it through the wall of a provincial jail, freeing 159 prisoners Friday and leaving the town in chaos, officials said. After the jailbreak in the northern town of Gonaives, revelers set fire to the town courthouse and city hall, authorities said. "For the moment, the situation is uncontrollable," said Jacques Maurice, a spokesman for office of President Jean-Bertrand Aristide. "We are reinforcing the police to re-establish order, but we want to avoid hurting the civilian population." That was either the world's crappiest jail or the greatest John Deere on the planet. Of course, this is making a lot of hick wives with husbands in the county lockup wonder about whether or not they should "get Cleetus sprung."
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I'm American, Fat Boy, What's Your Excuse? -- Sharkey @ 11:34 pm
So I've been back all of 8 hours or so, and I've found my inbox stuffed with over 1000 occurances of SPAM, and the gf and I found my room to be infested with my most hated enemy, ants. I now lay my head down for 6 and a half hours of sleep before work, amidst the stink of Raid® and that unshakeable feeling that tiny insects are crawling all over me. But I've still got a smile on my face. You know why that is? It came in a revelation to me this afternoon. A simple truth, really, and I'll share it with you:My fellow Americans smell like roses compared to anyone, in any country, that I've been to thus far. Sad that it's over, but it's good to be home. See you in the morning.
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If this post sucks, call my lawyer -- Jacko @ 12:24 pm
[Don't have what it takes to graduate high school? Fuck the GED, call your lawyer]Arizona English teacher Elizabeth Joice got a letter from a lawyer representing one of the students she failed. The letter asked her to take "whatever action is necessary" for the student to graduate or else the family would sue. Joice said the student plagiarized work, failed a paper and did not attend makeup sessions, among other things. School officials caved and the student was able to retake a test five hours before graduation and receive her diploma. I just hope this sort of thing keeps up—If these are the numbfucks that I will be competing with for jobs in the next 5-10 years, then I can relax. Of course, when these little shits hit the stage, it will be time to dance.
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