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Tell us how you feel... -- Merseian @ 2:09 pm
I know many of you might have received this email and I'm not in the habit of posting forwarded shit, but somebody took the time to sit down and tell it like it is and I happen to agree with them. So I'm gonna share it with you folk.

THIS MAY RUB SOME PEOPLE  THE WRONG WAY BUT HEY, IT'S FREEDOM OF SPEECH!  AND I LIKED IT.

I like big cars, big boats, big houses, and naturally - Great Legs.
 I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some middle-aged governmental functionary with a bad comb-over that wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I don't care about appearing compassionate.
 I don't think playing with toy guns makes you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I think I'm doing better than the homeless. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird or piss me off.
I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees of it. 
I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy queen shake, pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English. As a matter of fact, if you are an American citizen you should speak English.
My father and grandfather shouldn't have to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours.
 I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them after they tell you to stop.
 If you can't understand the word freeze or stop in English, see the previous line.
 I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
 If I received oral sex from one of my subordinate employees in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would have been FIRED immediately.
 I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount when needed.
 I know what the definition of lying is.
 I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you qualify for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can open a hotel, c-store, trinket shop, or any damn thing else.
 I didn't take the initiative in inventing the internet.
I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light. But I respect your right to listen to it.
 I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box.
 I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.
 We did not go to some foreign country and risk lives in vain to defend our constitution so that decades later you can tell us it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation.
 I don't hate the rich.
 I don't pity the poor.
 I know wrestling is fake.
 I've never owned or was a slave, and a large percentage of our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either.
 I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
 I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime then you will serve the time. A rubber band and a paper clip is a dangerous weapon in the hands of someone with malicious intent.
 I worry about dying before I get even.
 I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it pisses you off, invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.
 We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have.
 I think turkey bacon, turkey beef, turkey fake anything sucks.
 I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent with the balls to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say "NO."
 I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.
 I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings.
I am sick to death of "Political Correctness".
 I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
 Yes, I guess by their definition, I'm a bad American.

I put the comment about the parents in bold, quite honestly because I feel parents these days have gotten lazy and believe that their negligence, along with the media sensationalizing these events, are largely to blame.

I'm sure a few of you can come up with some intelligent remarks to add to this...lets see some in the comments.

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Big Brother Is Really Watching You -- Sharkey @ 12:37 pm
Thanks to all of you guys who sent in this story about the RIAA tracking individual Napster users, as well as many other file sharing programs. There's some pretty interesting (read: frightening) stuff in there, I suggest you read it.

It can also passively monitor IRC chatrooms, newsgroups, interrogate search engines and check ftp sites for offending material. As the screenshots reveal, the level of information is more than adequate to allow recording companies to identify a machine and, by obtaining access logs from an offender's ISP (which is also identified), determining their identity.

By performing structured queries of the database, recording companies are able to produce a list of offending machines, IP numbers and connection times for any ISP. Word is that this information will be regularly sent to ISPs whose users are breaching copyright with a demand that, in the first instance, the ISPs take action to stop those users re-offending.

The article brings up some good points on how this could turn out. But I'm guessing that the RIAA isn't trying to completely eliminate it right away. I'd wager that they're going to go against some of the biggest users, to make an example of them. This will scare off more and more users, until eventually the problem can be more effectively handled.

Still, I don't like knowing that the RIAA has on file that I just downloaded Weezer's "Why Bother" and a couple of songs off the "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey" soundtrack.

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Redhead's Cock Holster -- Raygun @ 5:57 am
See my post if you wanna know why I just posted this. SNORT!@#$!@%@ Redhead also eats poop for the flava...BTW. And you KNOW dis. Redhead should really be more careful about what kind of pictures she agrees to take. Trust me Redhead, one free Hand Grenade for boob shots and blow jobs just ain't worth it. Seven says, "Don't be such a dirty-curb-whore-hippie!"

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Mir Hits Earth, Billions Sleep Indifferently -- Sharkey @ 4:09 am
Well, looks like while I was up in L.A., Mir finally came crashing down to Earth. The scientific community ooh-ed and ahh-ed, while the general public said "eh". Maybe they're all just jaded that we aren't getting those free tacos. I know this guy would've been dissappointed.

Still, I'm glad this is all over. While I find some of the parodies to be funny, I just can't seem to find much humor in our sloppy cleanup jobs. Seriously, we can't find a better way to get rid of our space trash than to bring it back down here? Why do you think God gave us space to begin with? Probably the most convenient landfill ever created. In a couple of centuries, when we've polluted the bejeezus outta this planet, scientists will look back and laugh at our blatent stupidity. They'll cry out in agony, "Why oh why did we ever let Patrick Swayze live?"

...Oh, you though I was still talking about the space trash? That topic is so over. Geez, get with the program.

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Thursday, March 22, 2001

I Say We All Stop Paying Attention -- Sharkey @ 3:11 pm
As opposed to me actually talking about today's school shooting, I will instead fill your head with completely useless knowledge. That way, if any of you 14 year olds get the stupid idea into your heads that shooting up a school will be fun, I may shove it outta there with some random piece of information. For example, in Kentucky, not only is the age of consent 16, but uncles, nieces, aunts and nephews can engage in incest without it being illegal (Thanks Chris). Fascinating.

I'm not going to report on these school shootings anymore. It just contributes to the problem. Instead, I'm going to stick to the classic repetoir of monkeys, titties, and unicycle jousting. I figure if I can keep you high school kids in front of the library's computers, reading dick jokes and looking at boobies, it'll keep you from shooting anyone. Hey, no need to thank me America, I do it out of love.

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Viagra: Is There Anything It Can't Do? -- Sharkey @ 12:45 pm
JR wrote in to let me in on a little secret: Viagra is saving the seals. No, not those seals. I don't want to hear any stories about the Navy and Viagra. You can ask FaaQ for those kinda stories.

One reason, the researchers suggest, is that when a modern Chinese male fears his sexual powers are flagging, he is increasingly likely to grab for a bottle of Viagra, rather than the time-honored potion of powdered male seal genitalia.

One reason, the researchers suggest, is that when a modern Chinese male fears his sexual powers are flagging, he is increasingly likely to grab for a bottle of Viagra, rather than the time-honored potion of powdered male seal genitalia.

I don't know what's more disturbing, that this many Chinese men are using Viagra, or that this many men used to use seal genitalia as a substitute.

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I'm Gumby Dammit! -- Sharkey @ 11:17 am
[ Another Icon From Childhood Passes Away ]

R.I.P.

No, Eddie Murphy didn't die you jackass. It was Norma Macmillan, who did the voice of Gumby all those years ago. She also did the voice of Casper. For those of you who didn't grow up with Gumby, I present this .wav as a reminder of why her work was so important.

Yeah, I know it's Eddie Murphy talking, but so what? Can't pass up an opportunity to hear Gumby telling Rudolph to drop dead. And there's a lot more where that came from.

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Bart Simpson to lose cherry. -- FaaQ @ 9:31 am
That bastion of reliable reporting Mega Star is reporting that none other than Bart Simpson, will be getting his groove on in the upcomming Simpsons Movie.

An older "Mrs Robinson" type will seduce the brat in the first Simpsons movie.Bart, who is supposed to be 10 years old, has not aged since The Simpsons began more than a decade ago.

But he will be transformed into an even naughtier teenager when he moves from the small to the big screen.
Insiders claim Bart will lose his cherry to an older woman who tempts him into her bed. A show source revealed: "One of Bart's catchphrases is 'Eat my shorts'. But in the movie, he won't be wearing any!"

Series executive David Mirkin admitted that the Simpsons would be going Xrated for the movie version.
He said: "I see lots of Simpson sex in the movie."

That said, don't hold your breath. It seems that it could be a long time before this long awaited screen gem will become a reality.

Oh well, I for one have always wanted to see Ned and Maude Flanders swing with Homer and Marge, that would make great TV. Plus, Lisa should get the high hard one, that chick is too uptight and could use some of Milhouse's Long Dick!

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Wednesday, March 21, 2001

I Get Enough Courtroom Drama At Home, Thanks -- Sharkey @ 6:44 pm
So I got the dreaded jury summons a few months ago, with the requirement of reporting in last week. I checked the website on Friday, and it told me to check again today. I was sweating it pretty hard, because it looked (logically, by process of elimination) as if my group was going to be the only 'for sure' group to be chosen tomorrow. All the higher numbers seemed to be backups for us. I was preparing last night for my courtroom act, deciding whether I was going to be an alcoholic racist yuppie or a suicidal bum. Either way, I figured they'd dismiss me without a second look. But I'd still have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to be there.

So I checked the website again a few minutes ago for my dreaded assignment, and I saw the most beautiful words in the English language:

Your jury service is completed. You do not need to check this website any longer.

Looks like they randomly selected groups to serve on Thursday and Friday, and mine wasn't one of 'em. You know what that means? My day off on Friday is spared. Looks like I can call off my emergency back-up plan. It was gonna be pretty hard to explain why a whorde of marmosets suddenly kidnapped me and burned down the courthouse anyways. I'm sure I woulda figured something out, but it's just easier this way. The less blood and feces flung around in my town, the better.

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Reader Submitted Monkey Goodness -- Sharkey @ 3:34 pm

From: Rorschach
Subject: A little news tidbit for ya

I thought I'd send this your way just in case you missed this little piece of news.

http://www.canoe.ca/CNEWSTopNews/oilrig_mar20-ap.html

Oh, and I've attached a picture of a monkey drinking a Bud that I took while in Mexico a couple years ago.
I know how you love your monkeys. Use it however you want.

Cheers,

Rorschach
http://www.liquid2k.com/rorschach

Holy cow, is it odd that my American monkeys prefer tequila, yet it seems that the Mexican monkeys prefer Budweiser? Well, I guess being confined in that cage, the lil' fella takes whatever liquor he can get his simian mitts on. Thanks for the awesome pic Rorschach (nice name, BTW).

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I Got Five On It -- Sharkey @ 12:28 pm
Behold, the power of ass:

American Jackass :: Ernies House Of Whoopass :: School Of Ass

P.S.: Only 1 day and 4+ hours until flaming debris from space comes crashing down around us. Pray for free tacos.

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Snoop Says "Britney's A Better Ho Than Christina" -- Sharkey @ 11:16 am
I got an email from Kick Me In The Jimmy, who told me about an article in Mystique Magazine (don't click that link at work) where Snoop Dogg discusses how Britney Spears would make a better hooker than Christina Aguilera.

Pop virgin Britney Spears would make a better hooker than arch-rival Christina Aguilera - according to rap meister Snoop Dogg. The bad boy ex-pimp rapper, who has even starred in a hardcore porn film, claims the Spears would thrive on the streets.

He says, "Britney would make a better prostitute than Christina. She's thicker. She'll make real money. I see her selling real fast."

I dunno who'd actually be more likely to become a prostitute. Britney claimed earlier this week that "Just because I look sexy doesn't mean I'm a naughty girl." Although some of you might be interested to know that Christina went and got her nipples pierced:

Pop babe Christina Aguilera has taken the ultimate step in body decor - she's had her nipples (and reportedly other private areas) pierced. According to British tabloid News of the World, the plucky star went through the procedure a few weeks ago.

I think either one of them would make a damn fine ho, and I'd be glad to keep 'em in my stable. However, you gotta bow to Snoop's expertise in this situation.

But I'd still choose Christina over Britney any day of the week. =)

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Tuesday, March 20, 2001

Redhead's Bare Boobies REVEALED! Or not. -- Raygun @ 10:29 pm
Before getting arrested and tossed in the clink down in N'awlins for Mardi Gras I saw many interesting things. I saw clowns passing out bar flyers that were supposed to attract me like flies to honey with promises of cheap drinks and cheaper women. Little did they know that I fear clowns and therefore paid no heed to their satanic writings.

I also saw many foreigners. They smell funny. Some smell like garlic, some smell like thai food, and some smell like mangoes. I smelled like a Hand Grenade, just in case you were wondering.

By far the most interesting thing(s) I saw though were the boobies. A plethora of them. Not only were there many to see but they were also bare for all the world to see and touch (foreigners). One girl in particular I remember showing her bare breasts in hopes of scoring beads. You all know her as Redhead. I'm lying when I say I remember it, because I was very drunk at the time of the showing(s). Anyways, I have a pic of Redhead showing it all. I'm at odds on whether to post it here due to the repercussions that would ensue, so I leave the decision to you, the readers. Choose wisely, as I will be implementing a curve on Redhead's behalf.

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Bookies Beware! -- KlfJoat @ 8:05 pm
Taco Bell is pulling what could be one of the most expensive PR stunts in the world. If the core part of the Mir space station hits this 40 x 40 foot target, Taco Bell will give away a free taco to every man, woman, and child in the entire United States of America.

I'd bet that bookies aren't even going to TRY to guess the odds on this one. They found an insurance company who apparently did, though, and has insured them if the astronomical odds actually get beat.

[Taco Bell Promotion]

Stolen by monkeys from: The Register

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Evil Comes In Jailbait-Sized Packages -- Sharkey @ 2:32 pm
So I took a ten minute break to deposit my paycheck, and I ducked into the supermarket to grab a drink. When I was perusing the magazine section, I came across a disturbing vision: Mary Kate & Ashley Magazine.

No, I'm not kidding. Seriously, I'm not joking here, those little underage sluts have their own magazine now. I could've sworn that after Full House those girls would fritter away into obscurity. Unfortunately, it seems that they are steadily gaining in popularity. You know what this means? Every single magazine sold takes us one step further away from them doing soft porn when they reach 18. Of course, if they crash really hard, things could turn out alright. But no Playboy spread for us if they're still popular.

We're going to have to take a stand, right here, right now. We have to destroy these girls' careers now, before it's too late. Everyone knows twins are evil anyways, so we'd be doing it for the good of humanity. Can anyone think of a way to destroy these teenybopping media monsters before we reach the point of no return? You bring the plan, I'll bring the monkeys.

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Bizzaro Napster Bad... -- Merseian @ 11:06 am

I used to check out CampChaos quite a bit, they've always had some funny cartoons there but I hadn't been to their site lately till BAMF reader Jason messaged me with the link to this funny new cartoon about the current napster situation. Also check out Nutty's Nipple Clamps

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Estancia En Escuela -- Sharkey @ 10:16 am

From: JR
Subject: stay in school???

Maybe if this guy stayed in school, he would've learned how not to get caught.

http://digitalmass.boston.com/news/daily/03/032001/forbes_hacker.html

Alright. First lesson to criminals: learn how not to get caught before you pull off your genius heist. Computer hackers, especially. Why hackers? Because pasty lil' white guys usually make good prison bitches. Ever been described as an "effeminate" male? Yup, Bruno's gonna be your new best friend in the pokey.

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Spam Spam Spam -- Merseian @ 8:44 am
Finally the courts are possibly going to do something about spam. Not the meat (looks like meat at least) in a can. I'm talking about email spam.

Two San Diego men could be the first to face felony criminal charges related to spam in California after they allegedly crashed a company's computer system by rerouting tens of thousands of unsolicited e-mails through its servers.

Lets hope the courts act intelligently...hey HEY STOP LAUGHING! I'm serious here. Lets hope they act intelligently and actually do something about this shit for once.

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Monday, March 19, 2001

Case Mods That Own -- Sharkey @ 6:19 pm
[ Dig these swank case mods ]

If only I had the time. *sigh*

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You Can't Always Get What You Want... So Take It By Force -- Sharkey @ 3:17 pm

SoCal Edison ordered blackouts in the Los Angeles-area cities of Chino, Beverly Hills, Long Beach, Visalia, Banning, Kern and Santa Monica...

Sons of bitches! You're just a half hour away from a day off for this MoFo! Why black out LA? Orange County is filled with a bunch of wealthy suburbanites who couldn't give two shits about the power crisis! And it's also filled with guys like yours truly, who couldn't give two shits if his computer winked out right now and lost this post!

C'mon Edison, all I need is a half hour without power, and I'm outta here faster than Harry Knowles in a health food store.

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This Is How Norman Bates Really Turned Out -- Sharkey @ 10:14 am
You know you've got problems when you strangle your parents to death, but you're a whole different level of "fucked up" when you go that extra mile of living with the corpses. It takes hard work to reach that pinnacle of insanity.

An unemployed shrimper who lived with the corpses of his parents for months has been indicted on a single count of capital murder.

The bodies had been placed on a bed, and the door to the room was sealed with tape. Police said David Hisey had used pesticide in the sealed room to kill parasites on the bodies and to cover the smell of decay.

The best part about this story is how the guy is pleading "not guilty" to the charges of murder. You'd figure after keeping his parents' dead bodies in a room for months, his lawyers would go for the insanity plea.

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France Seals It's Own Doom -- Sharkey @ 12:43 am
[ Socialists claim victory in Paris ]

After all that hard work Stallone put into fighting the Godless commies in Rocky IV, you frogs go ahead and let shit like this happen. *tsk tsk* Now you've moved to the top of The List®.

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Sunday, March 18, 2001

WHOA! Man, Das A Bad Out-FIT! -- Sharkey @ 9:47 pm
I need some help. I'm going out of my mind trying to find a song, and I'm hoping one of you can clue me in. I'm sure you all remember Superman II, seeing as how it's one of the best movies ever. Well, in the scene where Clark goes back into the bar to hand out a lil' smackdown to the guy who whupped his ass, there's a particular tune playing in the background. It's an old 70's sounding disco-funk type tune, mostly comprised of horns. They've played it in a lot of other stuff, like old 70's flicks (to get that ghetto feel) and I think most recently in a Burger King commercial. Anyway, I want it. I want it bad. I've searched far and wide for the artist or title, and have come up short. That's where you come in.

As a tribute, I offer one of the best mp3 downloads on the planet. Special thanks to Heywood Jablowmie (the bailiff from "The Trial of Raygun" who reintroduced me to this classic. And I'll have to give a special shout out to whomever can find this other piece of history for me.

UPDATE: A special thanks to M who found the song title for me. It's called "Pick Up The Pieces" by Average White Band. This is my new theme music. When you read what I'm writing, I want you to think of a tall white dude with a humongous afro, struttin' to this song. Damn right.

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Saturday, March 17, 2001

Scientology 1, Slashdot 0 -- KlfJoat @ 6:13 pm
The "Church" of Scientology, Sharkey's favorite group, have forced a Slashdot comment to be taken down.

For any of you unfamilliar with Slashdot, it is a site that has a very lengthy history of absolutely NOT complying with requests for removal of stories, comments, etc. And some of the big boys have pressured them, including Microsoft, Oracle, Sun, etc. Rob explains here that the comment was removed because his lawyers advised him that because of the evil Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), the same thing that is forcing the downfall of Napster, he must remove the comment, which apparently contained some copyrighted material in it. Pardon me, a REAL church doesn't copyright its "sacred texts". You won't find a copyright on the Bible, the Qur'an (Koran), the Book of Mormon, or any other widely-held religious text. This is just another piece of proof that Scientology is a cult.

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Nothing Better Than Scattered Ass At A Concert -- Sharkey @ 3:12 pm
Man, that was a sweet concert last night. We got in just as Ozma was finishing their set, which was too bad because they sounded alright. I was thoroughly impressed with The Get Up Kids set. It always amazes me when I like a band so much more in concert. Maybe it's because I've been dissappointed by a lot of bands who's CD was great, yet their live show sucked. Either way, everyone went ape-shit when Weezer came out. The show we saw at the Palladium yesterday night was near identical to Perry's experience with the KC show, so you should definitely read his review. Although I have to give a big "fuck you" to the Palladium, because the bastards wouldn't let me take a plastic bottle opener into the show. What was I gonna do, pop a bottlecap in someone's ass?

Anyway, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who threw up mirrors for The Trial Of Raygun.

Our homies at Afrosquad.com
The guys at STIndependence
The soon to be re-opened Bringitreal.com

Thanks a lot guys, we really appreciate your help. Anyway, I'm off to a shindig at Killbot's house up in LA, so you kids enjoy your St. Paddy's day.

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Are you wearing Green? -- Merseian @ 11:15 am

Well unlike Ireland we'll be celebrating today in full effect, whether your Irish or not. Green Beer, corned beef and cabbage, drowning the shamrock and getting some lovely lass to "kiss yer blarney stone" should be on everyone's agenda today. I myself am heading out for the beer and food in about an hour. If I'm lucky I'll find a girl at the party tonight to do the last...booyah lad fuckin booyah.

Its kinda sad that europe is having such problems with diseases. Checking the news I found this sad bit o' news.

This year's St. Patrick's day parades in Dublin, Belfast, Cork, Armagh and Limerick have been called off or postponed in response to the nationwide alert over Foot and Mouth disease.

The organisers of the Belfast celebration say they are asking local areas to stage small-scale street parties as an alternative to the planned city-centre parade.

The Dublin parade has been deferred and will not take place on March 17th but the organisers say they are hopeful that another date can be arranged later in the year.

If you're THAT bored you can read the rest of the article here There are also some cool myths and facts about Maewyn Succat aka Saint Patricius or Saint Patrick. You can view those hmya

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Friday, March 16, 2001

Michael Eisner No Nuts... He Crazy! -- Sharkey @ 11:14 am
Disney exec Michael Eisner has gonea little overboard in suggesting a solution to the so-called "Napster problem".

During a panel on copyrights with ex-BMG boss Strauss Zelnick and Judge Zoe Baird, Esiner said prosecutors should go after kids who download copyrighted movies and music off the Internet without paying.

The Chief Mouseketeer quoted Abraham Lincoln on the importance of property rights and said kids need to be taught that it's the same as stealing a car or jewelry.

I should've tripped him when I had the chance. What are we going to do, selectively arrest these people? Or are we going to go after all five million of them? I think that air in Anaheim is going straight to his brain.

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Made-For-Mofo Movie: The Trial Of Raygun -- Sharkey @ 4:11 am
Well, you've been waiting for it, and now it's ready for you to enjoy.

Download "The Trial Of Raygun" Now!

Right now there's only two formats, and two sizes for each, but that should accommodate most of you MoFos until we get the quicktime versions up in the morning. And if anybody emailed me about mirrors, and if you're still interested, please email me!!! I need at least one mirror for each file, so if you can lend us a hand, I'd appreciate it. Don't forget to read the entire character guide before watching. You may miss something otherwise. Anyway, enjoy it.

BTW, if you can't appreciate the brilliance of Short Round's character, I feel sorry for you =)

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Thursday, March 15, 2001

Brobdingnagians In Spandex Are Not Attractive -- Sharkey @ 6:43 pm
There are certain unspoken guidlines that most humans adhere to, common courtesies if you will. For example, not using profanities around someone else's mother, or not looking over at the other guy's junk while you're at a public urinal. The little things that show other people that you wish to be a respectable member of society. One that I wholeheartedly beleive in, is that fat people don't wear skintight clothing. I figure if you've got a fat ass, or a protruding beer gut, there's no need to show it off to the world. Courtesy for your fellow man, right? But every now and again you get a tard in the midst who doesn't follow the rules, or just doesn't care altogether.

Last night I walk into the gym in my apartment complex, and there is this incredible blonde on the stairmaster. She's wearing sweatpants that look as if they've been super-glued to her perfect, apple-shaped ass, and a low cut shirt that perfectly accentuates her ample top shelf. Nothing like aesthetic pleasures to help fuel a workout. As I drop my keys & whatnot to the floor, my eyes wander from the ass to the rest of the room. We'll consider that mistake number 1, because there were a couple of other gym-goers that seemed a little out of place. A guy in his work clothes, long-sleeved button up shirt still tucked into slacks, and his daughter (at least that's what I assume she was), who's massive form would send panic into any all-you-can-eat buffet manager's soul. Does anyone know Harry Knowles' phone number, because I think we've found his potential mate. I won't go into details on what she was wearing, but let's just say it was tight. Make-your-eyes-bleed kind of tight.

Anyway, Bertha and her incredibly creepy father weren't there for a workout, they just seemed to want to check the place out. And they did so, for quite possibly the longest half hour of my life. They tried out every single machine. Her dad would do one rep on each weight machine, and she would do maybe ten seconds on everything else. They also insisted on turning the TV to some old Chuck Norris flick, ensuring that I had to keep my eyes fixed on the hot girl's behind, for fear that my retinas would revolt and leave town. This wouldn't be a problem if the whole place wasn't covered in mirrors, so that said hot girl could easily notice. But I didn't care, because every time I looked away I caught a glimpse of any one of the three horrors that I was now confined with. Thankfully, they left before I did something drastic, like cramming a towel down my windpipe.

Seriously, has all common courtesy been lost in this country? I don't wear lil' speedos and tight shirts because I know nobody wants to have to look at my package and protruding gut. I can understand if this girl wants to slim down, but for cryin' out loud, don't blind your fellow man. It's about respect, kids. And on that note, I'm out.

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Somone Set Up Us The Bomb! -- Sharkey @ 2:54 pm
Ahh... PBS. The people who bring you edutainment at it's finest now give you the opportunity to find out whether or not you would survive a nuclear blast. Where would we be without pertinent information like this?

It's nice to know that if they detonated a 1 Megaton warhead on my house, I'd be alright at work. Well, right up until the radiation liquifies my innards.

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Oops, We've Hit Rock Bottom Again -- Sharkey @ 11:40 am
[ British Publisher Snaps Up Britney Spears Novel ]

It is indeed a frightening world that we live in.

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Hope You Slept Well, Cuz It's Time To Die -- Sharkey @ 11:34 am
Well, today's the day. This is the fastest project we've ever finished in the history of the MoFo. As soon as we heard about Gunner's trip to the pokey, Bolt Boy, Killbot and I wrote up the script. Two weeks later, we're ready to debut it right here for you. Jam-packed with 8 essential vitamins and minerals, making it part of this nutritious breakfast.

We should have "The Trial Of Raygun" ready for download this afternoon. A few of you undereducated louts aren't going to get some of the jokes, so I'm going to have to whip up a page for the cast and characters. Lord knows, some of you aren't going to recognize our super-secret guest defense attourney, or our super-secret guest judge. But hey, that'd be due to your ignorance, not ours.

Anyway, our very own Killbot1138 directed (and co-wrote, edited, and produced) this fine piece of cinema, and if it goes well, we should be making this a regular thing. Sort of like OTP, except we'll actually do this.

No seriously, we will. What the Hell are you laughing at?

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Wednesday, March 14, 2001

The Cops Bust Underground Cookie Dealers -- Sharkey @ 4:51 pm
[ Georgia Police Ticket Girl Scouts For Selling Cookies ]

Apparently the police in Georgia are involved in a secret conspiracy to eliminate the threat of Girl Scouts. Drug pushers in green uniforms and pigtails, that's all they are.

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That's What You Get For Listening The 'Cos -- Sharkey @ 3:56 pm
A bit overdue:

From: Luke
Subject: Interesting Pudding Party movie from Geeklife

We had that party at my house where Flatass Ben rolled around in a tub of pudding with teen girlies and got drunk. I put up some video of it today.

http://www.geeklife.com/

Take it from this MoFo's personal experience, nothing's better than mixing hot teenage chicks, pudding, and liquor. Throw in some whipped cream and you're solid gold.

Speaking of solid gold and movies, the first ever made-for-MoFo movie will be released tomorrow. It's called "The Trial Of Raygun", and as you can guess by the title, it's about BAMF Staffer Raygun's brush with the law during Mardi Gras two weeks ago. It stars Bolt Boy as the nefarious Gunner, Billy Ray as the prosecutor, and a few special guests. The best part? Raygun had no idea we were making it. That's right, he's finding out at the same time you are. And since he had nothing to do with the project other than being the loosely-based subject of it, we got to use artistic license. God bless America.

Maybe I'll throw up some screen grabs tonight, just to give you a taste of the goods. And if you can spare some bandwidth to mirror it, let me know, I'd really appreciate it. Plus, you'll get to see the movie before everyone else does. Doesn't that make you feel special?

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Hosts That Can Suck My Ass: Ours -- Sharkey @ 2:28 pm
Well lookee what we have here... finally all of our permissions files and cgi accessibilities were restored. Seems that there was some sort of problem with the server BAMF is on yesterday, starting from about 9AM until close to midnight. Leads me to believe that our hosting company isn't exactly the most reliable source of technical support. Still, we're back online and that's what really matters, isn't it?

I'm just kidding. Somebody's getting beaten within an inch of their pathetic life for this. But it'll have to wait until after lunch. Can't very well bash kneecaps on an empty stomach, right?

Anyway, enough about me, how've you been?

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Monday, March 12, 2001

You Will Die A Horrible, Horrible Death. -- Sharkey @ 6:40 pm
[ Sneaky E-Mail Senders Software lets Web sites get name, address off PCs ]

*Deep inside the MoFo Den's secret conference chamber*

Sharkey: "I sense a great disturbance in the Force®. It is as if a million Net voices cried out in terror... and were suddenly disconnected."

Monkey Whordes: *howling noises*

Sharkey: "Quickly my simian comrades, find this "Wolfson" woman... show her how "marvelous" it can be having your fingers rapped repeatedly with hammers."

Monkey Whordes: *nod and salute in assent*

Sharkey: "And pick up some more Girl Scout cookies on your way back. Our Thin Mint supply dwindles!"

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A Little Sanity In An Insane World -- Sharkey @ 5:26 pm
Why couldn't they have been influenced by Wall Street, and become day traders?

A judge Monday threw out a lawsuit against director Oliver Stone that claimed his movie "Natural Born Killers" inspired a young couple's bloody crime spree.

The lawsuit was brought against the makers of the movie, including Time Warner Entertainment, by the family of a Louisiana store clerk who was shot and paralyzed in a rampage by Sarah Edmonson and her boyfriend Ben Darras.

Yeesh. If you're going to sue that jackass for something, make it Evita or Any Given Sunday (traumatization due to numerous unnecessary dick shots), not Natural Born Killers. I swear, it seems that the dumber the American public gets, the worse it's gonna be for moviegoers in general. Sooner or later we'll see lawsuits against piles of ass like You've Got Mail for encouraging Internet predators.

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Apparently I Played The Wrong Games In School -- Sharkey @ 11:37 am
Got word over the weekend from LeprechaunPancho about a teacher who was suspended after at least nine students engaged in "extracurricular activity" while she sat unaware at her desk. I know that my high school teachers didn't pay attention, but I'd like to think that they'd notice me getting a hummer from across the room. But I guess these things happen, eh Cap'n Terror? =)

During the game, a 14-year-old girl performed oral sex on a male student and allowed at least two other boys to kiss and fondle her breasts, among other acts, The Jersey Journal of Jersey City reported in Friday's editions.

The game halted at one point when Noonan heard the students giggling and asked what they were doing. Once she returned to her desk, the game resumed, the newspaper reported.

Man, the power of "Truth Or Dare" must have multiplied exponentially since I left high school. That, or the skankiness of school sluts has risen to an all-time high. Either way, you younger MoFos should take this information very seriously. You know what they say: "When in doubt, bank on skank." Well, I guess they don't say that, since I just made it up. But it sounds like a good enough mantra to me. So get to work.

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Keep Your Hax0r Mitts Off My Bitches -- Sharkey @ 10:33 am
The Girl Scouts of America website was cracked over the weekend, by some hax0r who seems to have an unhealthy fixation on Samoas and Thin Mints. At least the guy has taste in his Girl Scout cookie selection. Attrition.org has a mirror of the hack online if you want to take a gander at Homer Simpson drooling over a Samoa, while they babble on in l33tsp34k just underneath.

Strangely enough, I just purchased my selection of cookies last night. C'mon, the bastards only sell these things once a year, you have to plunk down that cash while you can. And this also seems to be the only time of year that you can get the Girl Scout Cookie-flavored ice cream. I only have so many vices in this world, and while I don't have many culinary weaknesses (besides a good steak and Peeps) I do have a soft spot in my beer gut for those damned cookies.

I only wish I didn't have to deal with the lil' Girl Scouts when I want my Thin Mints. As I handed my $20 bill to a girl of about 11 last night, she couldn't seem to figure out what the word change meant. And her mother or troop leader didn't seem to understand how to expediate the transaction, as she asked the scout "How much change do we give the man?" The girl returned a blank stare. "Well, how many boxes did he buy?" Another blank stare. "How many boxes?" Blank stare. As I waited for what seemed like an eternity for my change, I wondered if they had standardized testing for these girls, to ensure that they could do things like subtract and add. If so, this little girl cheated like Woody Allen with a new stepdaughter. Then I glanced across the way, and noticed the other entrance to the supermarket, where another table of Girl Scouts stood. I must have picked the remedial Scout table. Oh well, I got my cookies, I supported a worthy cause, and it only took up five minutes of my time. Hopefully some of that money goes to a basic accounting class for the "special" children.

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Saturday, March 10, 2001

Hey, Where Da White Women At? -- Sharkey @ 8:51 pm
Just about to head out to a bachelor party with most of the MoFos. Our buddy Tony is getting married a week from today (Wedding & St. Paddy's Day, guess who's gonna be drunk off their ass next weekend?) so the tradition of drinkin' and strippers is going to be in full effect.

I wouldn't have even posted this, but I figure some of you poor underage MoFos with nothing to do on a Saturday night can live vicariously through us. Just one more service we provide here at BAMF. You can thank me later.

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Canada? Good for something? -- KlfJoat @ 7:46 pm
Well, there has been talk in many portions of the world concering the use of mobile telephones. Many states are considering banning their hands-on use in cars; in the UK, people have DIED b/c drivers were using SMS, short messaging service; and the constant ringing and yakking during movies and concerts is enough to send me up the wall. Well, apparently CANADA, of all countries, is planning a well-thought-out solution to that last problem. Canada may legalize mobile phone jammers in certain situations, like at movie theaters, libraries, and restaurants.

This is one of the few common-sense solutions I've seen to what is really a problem of etiquette. Myself, I feel strange when I have to use a mobile phone indoors when I'm not at my home, or in my office. If I am going to initiate a call, I'll walk OUTSIDE to use the phone. Not necessarily for any privacy reasons, but because I find it annoying when people use a mobile phone in my presence.

But those are just personal preferences. There are certain other venues where mobile phones should absolutely not be used. There's a joke someone told me recently... This guy's at a concert (orchestral or rock) chatting on his cell phone. When he leaves, he mentions to his friend, "Ya know, the music was distracting." It's a very pointed commentary on the problem. Why would you pay from $7.50 (around here) to $10.50 (new price in NYC) for a movie ticket, just to spend the time talking to someone else about another subject entirely?
I go to school, mostly to night classes, but there is one class I have to attend during the day. This is the time that I am MOST connected, as I have my pager, my mobile phone, and a Nextel phone all to keep me connected to the office in case I'm needed. I go through a process of turning all three devices into a slient mode, because I am in a place which should not have distractions. I've heard stories of people asking to make telephone calls during college finals. This one story in particular was of a guy who actually had the gall to ask the teacher during the test if he could go outside of class to make a phone call. The prof told him no, that if he did he'd have to fail him, and with that the man went back to the test. Later in the exam, he got a phone call, at which time he went outside and had a 30 minute conversation. The prof, true to his word, failed the guy on his midterm.
My first ever experience with Nextel was actually in a restaurant. I was in a high-class greek restaurant, one which I'm friends with the owner. It was an "off" time, around 3, when my girlfriend and I finally got there to eat. There was only one other table occupied in the restaurant, by one gentleman and one lady. It was across the dining area, maybe 30 feet away. Nextel was new to our area, but I had heard the commercials, and knew they offered a phone that doubled as a radio. I heard some key-up tones, and looked over, and this guy was talking into his phone like it was a handheld radio. Okay, it was cool.... Except I could hear what the 2nd party had to say, clearer than I could hear what the guy in the same room was saying. The radio was ear-splitting, and annoying. But before I could call over the waiter or catch the eye of my owner friend, he had actually moved to quash this intrusion to our peaceful meal. When I spoke to him later about it, he said that if he had his way, he'd make it so that the only thing allowed in his restaurant were pagers set on vibrate.

I'm sure everyone has wanted to go and beat the fuck out of some annoying twit in the movie theater talking about the plot with his friend, the dumbass driving the SUV with his knees while reading off the latest figures on the sheet of paper in his hand, or the guy in the restaurant still having the same conversation when you leave as when you arrived. Canada looks like they're actually going to do something about it, and I hope that America follows suit.

And if you have a mobile phone, and use it around, and don't think that anyone has a problem with the way in which you use it, and you have no problem with the way anyone else uses their phone, watch out... you may be the guy I'm talking about.

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Friday, March 09, 2001

Finally, Some Good News -- Sharkey @ 2:01 pm
[ Vaccine Prevents AIDS in Monkeys ] (thanks KaneOfNod)

Who knows, we may have a cure or a reasonable vaccine by the end of this decade.

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Poor Gary Coleman... -- Sharkey @ 10:41 am
Big trouble in UGO land. That sucks for a lot of sites, including some of my favorites.

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The Screechinator -- Sharkey @ 10:27 am
Ever wonder what happened to Dustin Diamond, that wormy guy who played Screech on Saved By The Bell? And while you're wondering about his fate, do you ever wish that you could be a complete badass when it comes to a chess throw-down? Well, now you can kill two birds with one incredibly retarded stone. Just order your copy of Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess today! No, I'm not kidding. No, seriously, I'm not kidding.

The video is a breakthrough in edutainment and extremely fun to watch. Chess is enjoyed by millions of people all over the world, but there has never been an easier or more entertaining way to learn chess, until now. We highly recommend this video "Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess” as it is entertaining for the whole family.

Beleive me now? No, I wouldnt want to beleive this bullshit either. Luckily, the bastards (who don't beleive in the word spell checker when it comes to a press release) actually put up a video clip on their site. And throw out any kind of suspicion that Dustin Diamond would play a respectable chess instructor. Heavens no. The sum'bitch actually seems to have less respect for himself than in his Saved By The Bell days. I almost want to order this thing out of ghoulish curiosity. That, or a compulsive need to purge this world of evil by purifying the tape in a bonfire. Either way, it's hours of fun for the whole family.

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Thursday, March 08, 2001

CSS broken again -- KlfJoat @ 1:05 pm
Yes, ladies and gents, it's time for everyone's favorite game... Let's Break Copyright! I'm your host, Wink MartinJoat.

This time, the trivial Content Scrambling System (CSS), used to encode DVD's for the magnanimous reason of copy protection, has been broken by an MIT undergrad, and an MIT alumnus in a seminar they gave earlier in the year. This code has made it to the web, rather easily, as it is only SEVEN LINES LONG. These two, with the backing of MIT, plan to stand firm against the legal supposition that source code isn't free speech on the web.

Some facts about the situation are as follows... the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) is to this fight, what the RIAA is to the Napster battle. They're an organization, created by the major motion picture companites, which claims to be independant of the companies, but is still run by them. The MPAA, among other things, rates movies. They also are "protecting" CSS as a trade secret in the courts, unknowingly making it public domain by filing an unsealed brief containing CSS.

Federal judge Lewis Kaplan has ruled that it is unlawful to knowingly traffic in source code that defeats CSS. He also ruled that it was unlawful to link to such code. 2600.com had a federal injunction placed on it for making a totally common and innocuous link to a piece of code that defeats CSS. But we're good little mofos, we'd NEVER do a thing like that.

MIT-related story
A very good web site, which includes almost every CSS defeat known to man.
A funny and thought-provoking comic about CSS, and the legal ruling.

CENSORED
This comic contains numerous references to the DeCSS code used to bypass the Content Scrambling System of DVDs, which, by order of Judge Lewis Kaplan, is illegal to reproduce in any way. We apologize for the inconvenience, but speech that damages the profits of our corporate friends is NOT protected by the First Amendment. Thank you.

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Monkey Bidness -- Sharkey @ 12:42 pm

From: DPD@ncia.net

You guys at Badassmofo may have seen this already but I couldn't take that chance. This poor monkey looks like he just got slugged in his little monkey groceries.

Reuters Photo
http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/p/nm/20010307/wl/imdf07032001074456a.html

Not only is this monkey fucking hilarious, that "slugged in the groceries" bit is solid gold. That's going into the repetoire for sure.

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You Think She Was Picked On In School? -- Sharkey @ 10:33 am
A teacher's aide in Rockford, Illinois, was arrested and subsequently fired after she tried to settle an argument at a junior high volleyball game with a meat cleaver. This story just proves my point that no matter how dumb the students try to be, they'll never hold a candle to the complete idiocy that an adult can muster up.

Toni Gay, a teacher's aide at the Rockford Environmental Science Academy, was arrested Saturday and charged with unlawful use of a weapon on school property and disorderly conduct.

Witnesses told police the argument started after a referee disqualified Gay's team over derogatory comments a fan made to the official. Gay got the cleaver from her car but was stopped at the school door by a park district worker, witnesses said.

We'll skip over the obvious jokes about her surname, and get straight to the point: what the Hell was she doing with a meat cleaver in her car? Was she fixin' to whip up a fresh batch o' roast beef sammitches for the team after the game? Or maybe she keeps it handy in cases of extreme necessity for a lil' street justice?

One last thought, what kind of city worker would actually stop this blade-wielding maniac? They must pay district workers better in Illinois, because where I come from, a four year old could walk into a public facility with a flamethrower and get nothing more than a few awkward stares.

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Wednesday, March 07, 2001

This Is Getting Ridiculous -- Sharkey @ 1:03 pm
[ Girl arrested in Pennsylvania school shooting ]

One girl shot, one girl in custody in a Catholic school in PA. My solution to this problem? Stop having kids. At least, stop having them if you're too stupid to raise them right.

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At Least They Haven't Claimed "It's Unsinkable" Yet... -- Merseian @ 12:41 pm
That's about the only good thing I can think of, when I read this article. Of course I'm pretty pessimistic lately. I can just see this being a topic for a show called "When good ideas go horribly wrong." Hopefully the crew keeps their eyes open for Icebergs and coral reefs.

Plans call for a vessel more than a half-mile long, 750 feet wide and about 25 stories high, with a landing strip for small jets.

The developers say it would feature many staples of a city on dry land: hospitals, hotels, supermarkets, restaurants, barber shops and casinos.

The vessel would differ from traditional cruise ships because it would house up to 90,000 permanent residents — people who would purchase apartments on board at prices ranging from $140,000 to $3.5 million.

I won't be surprised if this fucker ends up sinking and we have feelings of Deja Vu from the Titanic experience, only on a much larger scale....lets just hope they don't make a movie about it with shitty, annoying actors like that Decaprio kid and that ugly gash, Kate Winslet. I'm still not sure if the sex I'd received after taking the girlfriend (at the time)to it was worth the torture....I'd rather have dished out the cash for a leather coat or some other expensive trinket...it would have been less painful and gotten the same results.

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Never Get Involved In A Land War In Asia -- Sharkey @ 11:22 am
Should we be a little bit concerned?

Underlying this concern, analysts said, is a view spelled out in a defense white paper issued in October that the United States is now China's main threat and a roadblock on the path to regional military supremacy and reunification with Taiwan. That document accused Washington of "practicing a new gunboat policy and neo-economic colonialism" and remarked that the U.S. plan to create a shield against missiles would seriously destabilize the security of the Asia-Pacific region.

Analysts have been saying for years that China should be our main concern, perhaps now people will listen. While I hate to think of what would happen if we had to oppose China in war, I am glad that Bush is showing signs of preparation.

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MoFo Army Continues Dominating India -- Sharkey @ 3:22 am
[ Monkeys terrorize Indian town ]

Thanks to everyone who sent this in.

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