But it's never too late to recover what's yours. So I embarked on a quest, to seek counsel of the one person on the planet who could help me. The Godfather of Comedy, Ben Vereen. God rest his soul.

So I climbed the tallest peak in Irvine, which was the rolling hills of Turtle Rock, where the rich folk settle down to laugh at the middle-class white trash below them. I called out to the soul of the Godfather of Comedy, and he appeared before me in all his former glory. And this is what transpired:

Ben Vereen: "Who disturbs the slubah of da Godfatha of Comedy?!?"

Me: "It's Sharkey, your former student! I've come here because I've lost my funny! I need to know how to get it back before I snap and start randomly deleting forum accounts for fun!"

Ben Vereen: "Shit MoFo, s'been a long muffuckin' time! But I ain't seen yo' funny roamin' around up past dem Pearly Gates, so it still be alive and kickin' somewheres down hmya!"

Me: "So how do I find it? Are you going to charge me with a mystical quest, only to find that I had my funny with me the whole time?"

Ben Vereen: "Shit sucka, I dunno how you gon' find the damn thang. I ain't even dead yet, jus' my career! And you ain't even in Turtle Rock, yo' bitch ass be passed out drunk inna spa at Killbot's goin' away par-tay. So youz' best be wakin' up right quick, fo' you lose more dan' yo' Gott-damn funny! But what I can tells you, is dat you gots to have a reason to be funny. You can't jus' haff-ass dis shit! It's gotta come from da inside! And if you'll excuse me, I gots to go. I got a gig in on Broadway wit' dat fly-ass ho Crystal Bernard dis week. Da Godfatha be out!"

Wait, no she wasn't. I meant the other thing. I had to find a reason to be funny. The Godfather of Comedy had charged me with my quest, but unfortunately, I'd been left with more questions than answers. Like, why did he talk like Herbert Kornfeld? How was I going to find a reason to be funny? And who the fuck knew that Ben was still alive?

Follow-up -- KlfJoat @ 5:04 pm
Some of you may recall a story posted by Sharkey about a kid who was banned from school for wearing a "Straight Pride" t-shirt. The link in his article is dead, so I submit this link as a refresher.

The student sued the school, and I found out today that he won his case. This is truly a great achievement for those who believe in TRUE tolerance and TRUE equality.

Tolerance isn't just being accepting of gay people who prominently display their homosexuality, it's also accepting straight people who prominently display their heterosexuality. Many of these minority activists throw up the word "equality" whenever they want something that the majority has. Sure, that's fine, but you must also take the bad with the good. You cannot use "equality" and "free speech" arguments to lobby for the ability to wear your pink triangle and rainbow flag and hold gay pride rallies without also being tolerant and allowing someone with the majority view to do similar things. It's hypocritical.

To me, equality isn't making men effeminate against their will. Equality is when a woman isn't thought of as a "woman" or as a "man", and she sits around with you in your apartment or at your job, and she tells you a story about the guy she found at the club on Saturday, took him home, fucked him, then gave him $20 for the cab ride home, and after she's done you slap her on the back, say "good job buddy, you gonna get you some of that ass tonight?" and you don't think any differently about her.

The problem is, true equality such as that is sorely lacking in our society today. Yes, there are differences between social groups, especially minority groups. But the true test of acceptance and tolerance by the majority is when you can act just like the majority, and still be accepted for who you are, not as someone who is stepping out of your caste.

And I practice this equality every day. It doesn't mean you're a pussy, or that you're effeminate. It means you are secure enough with yourself that you don't need to keep others who are different from you, in a place below you, to feel good about yourself. At my job, the Lab Lesbian gave me her phone number. To hear her tell it, I'm only the second thing with a penis to have that phone number. Not bad for only having seen her a few times. How does that happen? Well, not asking to watch her have sex with her girlfriend helps. But I think a big part of it is that I treat her as an equal. Oh, sure. She has an aptitude for chemistry and I have an aptitude for computers, but we are both people, we both have our friends, and we are both good at what we do (even though sometimes we fuck up; she breaks sample vials, I run over computers with motor vehicles). In my opinion, her being a lesbian just gives us one more thing in common: we both like to ogle women.

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Propaganda -- Raygun @ 10:53 am
There is nothing worse than waking up in the morning to find your evil ex-girlfriend in your bed with no recollection how she got there. zing. To make it worse, the bitch took her sweet-ass time leaving. As if all this wasn't bad enough, when I check my email I find a bunch of Communist fuckin crap from the only Commie E/N guy I know, The Anachronist. Feel free to spam him with any capitalist scum you can lay your grubby little hands on.

"After Anti-Castro Talk, Cuba Tells Bush 'Shut Up'"

"We didn't think it possible President Bush could speak for so long without saying absolutely anything of coherence or common sense", Foreign Minister Felipe Perez Roque said in the first official reaction to Bush's comments.

"The president should modestly shut up and understand that his efforts are best directed toward the internal situation", Perez said, arguing Bush should seek to clean up the "anti- democratic" electoral process that took him to power."

Now that's what I call foreign policy.

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Friday, May 25, 2001

Aghast -- KlfJoat @ 9:12 pm
*looks at the front page*
*blinks*
*blinks again*

Damn, look at this shit. I take one day off from work, I come home, and NONE of you motherfuckers have posted anything. Okay, that's fine. Let's see what we can whip up at 10:45 pm.

Hmmm, we have utter stupidity, utter stupidity, and more stupidity.

And then we have, this headline, Ten Injured As Ravers' Protest Turns Ugly. I'm sorry, the only way a Raver protest turns ugly is if you come down off your X high and realize you slept with this woman. But it's in France, so you know they could fuck up something as peaceful as a Raver protest.

That's it. Don't like the quality? Hey, at least you got something.

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Thursday, May 24, 2001

PK Comics (Thurs. Edition) -- Raygun @ 10:34 pm
Late as usual. I think we need to have some meetings concerning the punctuality of some certain would-be comic strip artists round here. Ah well, such is life.

Anyways, the new strip by Mers and Hojo is up in the Comics Section and for my money (it's free), this is the best one. Hey Sharkey, Buromisan says, "You are a snot-suckling sink nibbler! You give comics section right side menu nav NOW!"

I would have liked an actual line of dialogue though. Instead I stand around like a dangles...er...I mean dumbass, which brings me to another point. I don't own a sweater vest, let alone a yellow one with a pink button down to go with it. Actually my usual business attire consists of precisely this: Dirty unmatched socks, Grimey Adidas, Filthy cargo pants, and a Food-stained Atari/Transformers T-shirt.

Mers must have caught a case of the mondays *snicker* that stayed with him cuz although I can now go to his work to find the strip on his hard drive, I am(was) unable to find it on the web. Luckily for me we have some sneaky bastards as readers and one, Cpt. Winky, tracked it down. Make with the clickin bitches.

Yellow Sweater Vest

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Drunkened Ramblings, Without The Drunk -- Sharkey @ 3:19 pm
I had the world's worst piece of cornbread today. Honestly. I don't know if you could've made this dry, tasteless pile of garbage taste any less palpitable if you wiped Oprah's ass with it.

OK, maybe that's going a bit overboard, but the thing was terrible. Yet for some reason, instead of my usual bit of shoving it down the chef's throat and demanding a refund, I decided to make it taste good. I dunno, something just seemed wrong with the universe when there was a bad piece of cornbread in front of me. I eat it so rarely, that it seems impossible for someone to fuck it up. I lathered that sum'bitch with butter, sugar, and eventually a sea of honey. Then it became a tasty honey-sugar-butter treat with some dry, crumbly piece of shit underneath. I sent it back with a defeated spirit. Great, now I have to be wary of cornbread. Another constant in life forever marred because some a-hole can't cook.

Why am I sharing this story with you? Well, after watching this lil' ditty, I figured you'd want to know what I'll shortly be vomiting all over the office restroom. I doubt it will taste much better on the way back up.

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Schools Just Ain't What They Used To Be -- Sharkey @ 11:43 am
[ Teacher Retires After Accidentally Loaning Jerkoff Tape To Students ]

Note to Captain Terror: Never loan movies to students.

[ Boulder Students Hold Gay Kiss-In For Protest ]

I dug on the videos of chicks making out, but where was the point in all of this? None of those students in the video seemed to actually care about the issue at hand, which just goes to show that kids will protest damn near anything for attention.

Speaking of attention, the urinal needs mine. Excuse me.

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Wednesday, May 23, 2001

A Film That Will Die In Infamy -- Sharkey @ 12:39 pm
Normally I'd throw this into the movies section, but it's more of observation/opinion than anything else.

I've noticed all over the place that people are trashing the living bejeezus out of Pearl Harbor, which hits theatres on Friday. My favorite bits are how nearly everyone trashes the script and character development, citing that Bay has gone for "eye candy" over plot.

Really?

What I'm particularly interested in are the bastardizations of film and Americana that the Bay/Bruckheimer team will bring us this time. Remember Armageddon? You can rest assured you'll see small children running through some yellow-lens-filtered Iowa cornfield pretending to fly model planes as our soldiers nuke the bejeezus outta those Godless Japanese. And as the bomb hits, we'll be patronized with images of Mom cooling some fresh apple pie, and hopefully no scenes containing Animal crackers. But then, this is the type of thing you'd expect from Bay, who seems to think that children can drag themselves out of bed at 7:45 on a Sunday morning to play stickball. And even then, it's only the "real" American kids, no Hawaiian's allowed.

Needless to say, I'm going to be very, very drunk on Friday night.

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Tuesday, May 22, 2001

umm.... -- Merseian @ 7:11 pm
I really feel weird whoring out on the front page for the comic strip since I had a part in making it but Sharkey said I should let you all know when a new one is up every tuesday and thursday... who knows..maybe if enough of you bitch, he'll put up one of those notification things on the right for the comics section so I can be lazy like him...either that or he'll get pissed and tear down the comics section all together. *shrugs*

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What Exactly Did 'We' Win? -- Sharkey @ 5:36 pm
Slow news day, but once in awhile something annoying slips through the cracks. For instance, a school in Florida where a local man joined forces with PETA to obliterate a 12-year-old piece of art which students painted, because it depicted a bullfight. Lovely.

Since the start of the school year, Pine Ridge resident Joseph P. Smith has been pushing the school to erase or paint over a student-painted bullfighting mural in teacher Dorothy Zay's room. The mural was painted by students more than a dozen years ago and depicts a Spanish matador and a bull.

"We won," Smith said. "But it's a small victory. (The mural) is a man with a knife in his hand ... and he is going to kill an animal. That doesn't belong in a school."

Yeah, a small victory that this bleeding-hearted prick has been campaigning for nearly a year. It's mind-boggling why some people pick issues like this to bitch and moan about. With so many problems in the world, these people waste time and resources trying to destroy student's art.

It makes me wonder about some of the pieces I've done over the years, which I have no control over. In fact, if any of you Orange County MoFo's live near Irvine High School, you can check out the charcoal mural we did there my Junior year. It hangs in the Art building, near the front doors on the right. My piece is on the top left, and I can't remember what exactly it was. We all designed pieces of it, and traded off. I think mine was a seraphim, but I'm not exactly sure. Lord knows it'll be taken down soon, since seraphims aren't exactly non-denominational. Wouldn't want to oppress the rich little suburbanites with (very loosely based) religous imagery, now would we?

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You know the Nazi's had pieces of flair, that they made the Jews wear -- FaaQ @ 2:03 pm
OK, this shit is getting out of hand with those Taliban assholes. Next thing up is the ovens. Afghan Taliban Orders Non-Muslims to Wear Badge

May 22, 2001 1:16 pm EST

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan (Reuters) - Afghanistan's Taliban rulers ordered the country's non-Muslim minorities Tuesday to wear a distinctive badge on their clothes while going outdoors.

The Taliban-controlled Voice of Shariat radio, monitored in Islamabad, quoted religious police chief Maulawi Abdul Wali as saying the order had been issued in the light of a fatwa, or religious decree, given by Islamic scholars.

"The ulema (scholars) issued a fatwa that the non-Muslim population of the country should have a distinctive mark such as a piece of cloth attached to their pockets so they should be differentiated from others," it quoted Wali as saying in an interview with the official Bakhtar news agency.

"And this decision is in accordance with the Sharia (Islamic law)," he said.

I wonder how long before they will be heading up the UN Human Rights Council.

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Just doin my duty -- KlfJoat @ 11:14 am
I can't stand to see the main page go so long without a post, so I've got a few links for y'all to take up the slack. It's a slow news day...

[ Woman Bites Off Man's Testicles During Sexual Assault ]
Missing something, Raygun?

[ Darwin Award candidate ]
The stupidity of some people never ceases to amaze me.

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Monday, May 21, 2001

Plug-Ness -- Sharkey @ 12:32 pm
UltimateCeleb.com. Go. Now.

Which reminds me, another site that you know and love should be back online within the week. UNF.

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Rank -- Sharkey @ 12:30 pm
You know, most people have trouble sleeping in their own wet spot, let alone the combined lust liquids (sorry, that's a little graphic for a Monday afternoon) of a few dozen couples.

[ Hotels, motels can go months without washing bedspreads ]

The worst bit? I just slept at a Holiday Inn Express in Palm Springs. Maybe I'll choose the cot from now on.

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Nothin' Changes Here But The Seasons -- Sharkey @ 2:04 am
Well, I just got back from my swank weekend getaway in Palm Springs to find that some of you forum folk trashed some kid who stole the BAMF layout until he took it down and apologized. Way to kick ass while I'm away guys, I'm impressed. Although I do get a lot of people stealing this layout (I don't see why, BTW), so I don't really go after anyone for it like I used to. Still, I appreciate it.

Anyway, this week I'll have all kinds of fun stories, plus my report on what happened at this year's E3. No, not the games, although I will speak of them, but what I really mean is the God Games booth. Free booze, free food, Penthouse Pets in schoolgirl uniforms, and don't forget about the midgets.

I mentioned the free booze, right?

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Saturday, May 19, 2001

Without Monkeys, Without Sacrifice, There Would Be Nothing -- Sharkey @ 2:03 am
I just got done with a night of incredibly heavy drinking. It's been a long fucking time since anyone told me that I stink of alcohol (without spilling it on myself), let alone Bud, Billy Ray, Mabs, and my roommate Haus all within a half hour. And since I have to be up in... six hours to drive three other people to Palm Springs for the weekend, I figure I may as well post while I am shitty, shitty liquored up. At least you get some weekend entertainment, right?

Anyway, as I sit here listening to music as quietly as possible at 2 in the morning, I wonder why I must get lawsuit threats for shit that people post in the goddamn forum. Why? Why? I don't make a damn dime off this site, why must I get threats because I'm the nice guy? I don't want to tear your fucking throats out with my bare hands you sons of whores, so don't threaten me. I'm not such a nice guy when I'm not nearly incapacitated.

That reminds me, those Head Candy guys promised to send me an evaluation kit on Monday. So if there are any Mofemmes out there who wouldn't mind pleasuring me (my arsenal of euphamisms diminishes after the 15th shot of J.D.) whilst I play Street Fighter II, I would gladly return the favor with gummy-bear flavor. Oy, soliciting myself on the main page, I must be nearly dead.

Man, my bed is right there *points to bed in a drunkened manner*, RIGHT THERE! Why am I even talking to you at this point? Oh right... love. Good night.

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Friday, May 18, 2001

Come on, there's always room for Shatner -- Captain Terror @ 6:43 pm
First of all, you have to see Free Enterprise. Shatner actually makes fun of himself in the movie. And how can you go wrong with a movie that quotes Logan's Run? Eh, Sharkey? Anyway, just so you can feel the love that IS Shater, you have to check out the Shatner Simulator over at Firehole.com. **Cap does Shatner impression** Set.....phasers for.....Shake and Bake.

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The Winner.... Is.... Kahn! KAAAAAAAHHHN! -- Sharkey @ 4:19 pm
I didn't think there was anything that could be done to ruin The Iron Chef for me.

[ William Shatner to become "The Chairman" of UPN's American Iron Chef ]

Boy was I wrong. And I thought pitting that asshole Bobby Flay against Morimoto was a fucking travesty. Previous to this, I ignored UPN. They didn't bother me, I didn't bother them. But now, they've gone and set themselves directly into the range of the MoFo-radar. Hopefully Shatner is actually in the building soon, that way I can kill two birds with one pack of rabid marmosets.

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Combining Two Of Life's Greatest Pleasures? -- Sharkey @ 11:17 am
The Coach sent me a link to Head Candy this morning, and I admit, the stuff has me intrigued. Maybe it's because I love gummi bears so much, or perhaps it's the fact that I can now combine gummi bears and sex. Like George from Seinfeld, I think most guys have wanted to combine their favorite activity with their other favorite activity. While I still haven't found that special someone who will agree to showing me a little "southern comfort" while I play an old 8-bit NES game (or SNES or even Atari, for that matter), I figure this is a good step forward for the both of us. I especially appreciated the customer feedback page:

"My girlfriend has always been a "raker", but no more. You're a genius dude. She likes doing it now. Her jaw doesn't ache and instead of raking, she's awesome!"

Kids, there is nothing cool about "raking" (and I mean hard raking, not playful raking, there IS a difference). It's a horrible, horrible plague on our society, and one that I hope gets squashed once my simian army has completed our conquest of the world. If you're a male, and are not squeamish at just the sound of "raking", you've either never experienced it, or have never used your unit for anything more than short, business-like transactions on the can. Trust me ladies, we'll all thank you not to pick up this nasty habit.

I sent off for one of their "press kits" for the site, hopefully they send off some free samples for review. If they send more than one set of samples, maybe I oughtta give it to Bolt Boy for review. *Sigh*, that joke is so much better knowing that Bolt Boy never see it, since he never reads the site.

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Thursday, May 17, 2001

Re: Get your paws off of me you damn dirty apes!!! -- Merseian @ 6:02 pm
You people take FaaQ waaaaaay too seriously...I mean I know he's an asshole and all, but for fucks sake we have Asian people on staff that he's friends with... but I know how much he loves his hatemail and flames so believe what you like.

Anyways lighten the fuck up and go read todays new comic.

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Get your paws off of me you damn dirty apes!!! -- FaaQ @ 10:07 am

On July 27th the new planet of the apes movie debuts. Being a major fan of the original 5 movies, I decided to re-watch them last weekend and I have come to some amazing conclusions. The Asian population are direct descendants from the Planet of the Apes.

The movies were indoctrination films, made by ape collaborators to get modern humans adjusted to the idea of an ape filled world. Who might those collaborators be? It’s the Asians. Notice if you watch all of the movies, there are NO ASIAN ACTORS, because they want you to forget about them as key players in the ape’s plans of conquest.

In the movies the apes go back in time to modern present day, to start the cycle of what began in the first movie. The apes, actually have gone further back in time to meddle with the gene pool of ancient civilizations in order to set up their dominance in the future. By instilling some of their ape DNA into early humans, they created a race of humans with latent genetic material that when the time is right, will trigger mutations (causing the host to transform into an ape). This is how they are going to conquer the world. Why do you think China has been on a breeding binge for the last 50 years? How could any modern army overthrow the massive ape army?

If you watch the first movie, it shows the world after the nuclear war that was used to destroy the ape armies (but was unsuccessful since the bombs didn’t kill them all). I warn you all now, the time is near, July 27th is the start of the new chapter in ape domination. I’m sure this movie is going to have some form of mind control built into it to trigger the latent ape DNA to start the mutation process. Some people may call me crazy, but it could happen.

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Wednesday, May 16, 2001

I Love That They Still Send Me Press Releases -- Sharkey @ 4:28 pm
[ Bla-Bla is assimilated by UGO ]

Oh man, that's just grand. One fucked company buys another. So basically any site on the bla-bla network gets the message that they are not "good enough" to be part of UGO, so they have to divvy up the green between two companies instead of just one. Well, if there was any green to begin with, that would be the case. I know for a fact that UGO is fucking over it's people left and right, I don't know what they're doing buying bla-bla at this point. Who knows, maybe they've sold a ridiculous amount of ads for the next six months, and need more inventory to sell.

*PPFFFTT* MUHAHAHAAAAA! Oh, *wipes tear*... I needed that.

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BoltBoy's lovechild claims 2nd victim -- Merseian @ 7:45 am
Yes folks, Indian police have issued pictures of the Monkey Man killer, amid reports he has claimed his second victim. BoltBoy's lovechild is on the rampage once agai.....ah fuck it...there's no point to even trying to spoof this shit even though its enjoyable ripping on BoltBoy, the actual news report is so much funnier than anything we could come up with.

Vigilantes are taking to the streets frustrated at the police's failure to catch him.

In Noida, a mechanic wearing a black outfit and fitting a description of the Monkey Man was beaten up. A second man was attacked for apparently performing "mystical formulations".

Some witnesses say the failure the capture the Monkey Man is explained by his ability to make himself invisible.

Deepali Kumari, from Noida, said: "It has three buttons on its chest. One makes it turn into a monkey, the second gives it extra strength, the third makes it invisible.

"He touches a lock and it breaks. But he is afraid of the light."

Nothing is funnier than a bunch of ignorant superstitious peasants causing more damage than the actual problem. Yes I know I have a sick sense of humor. I think I'll hit my third button and turn invisible and go follow one of the interns into the locker room when they change to go jogging at lunch.

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PETA taking it to extremes once more. -- FaaQ @ 7:22 am
It looks like those assclowns over at PETA can find animal cruelty almost damn near everywhere.

Article here. Read it half way down the page

PETA PROTEST: The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has found its latest protest target - the Indianapolis 500.

On Saturday, Indianapolis Motor Speedway received a faxed letter from PETA asking it to change its tradition of having the race winner drink dairy milk in Victory Lane. Instead, PETA wants the speedway to insist on either soy milk or orange juice.

The first winner to drink milk was Louie Meyer, nearly 70 years ago.

Occasionally, the tradition has been change. One exception occurred in 1989 when Emerson Fittipaldi, who owned a 500,000-acre orange plantation in Brazil, drank orange juice following his victory.

But don't look for Indianapolis Motor Speedway to impose a change anytime soon. One of the Race Day sponsors is the American Dairy Association, which offers a $5,000 award to the race winner and a $500 award to the winning chief mechanic.

``We'll have to study it because we need time to digest it,'' IMS spokesman Fred Nation said of PETA's request.

Honestly, when is someone going to start treating these assholes like the terrorist institution they are. You don't see meat eaters running around protesting Vegans (at least its very rare). I'm going to start CRAVE, Carnivores Rebelling Against Vegetable Eaters. We could protest soy milk growers, and all those annoying Hari Krishna and their vegetarian feasts.

You know, no one is out there standing up for Vegetables, I think its about time that someone does. WTF, don't plants have feelings too?

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Tuesday, May 15, 2001

tuesday is b33rday... -- Merseian @ 1:40 pm
and it also means there's a new strip in da comics section...sharkey told me I should let you all know.

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And Now For Something Completely Different -- Sharkey @ 11:20 am
It's a slow day, and I've been busy. But in the meantime I give you:

Spontaneous combustion!

I wish I could do that with my mind, as opposed to a large mirror. And I suppose instead of children, I'd be doing it to coworkers, and maybe circus clowns. I guess if I had to use the mirror, I would, you really can't turn down functionality like that.

Boss: "Hey, I need that project a few days early. And weren't you an hour late today? Looks like no lunch for you."

Me: "Could you do me a favor, and stand over here by this mirror?"

Boss: "Sure, but I don't see what thiAAAARGH!! AAAGH AAAAH! Sweet baby Jesus, even my tongue is on fire! AAAGH How will I taste again!?!"

Me: "Mmmm... three day weekend, and a deadline extension. It's Miller time®."

Uh... maybe I should take a break, I'm sensing a little "hostility" right now.

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Monday, May 14, 2001

The Crash Test Dummies Are Rolling In Their Graves -- Sharkey @ 10:47 am
No, not the shitty band, I'm talkin' about these guys, who's video game licensing was as appalling to me as the damn 7-Up Cool Spot. Stupid mid-nineties. Anyway, I'm getting off the subject, which is cool reader-submitted videos.

From: Inzax
Subject: Van Incident

Love the page.

I have a confession. I am a cop! Don't hate me. I am not one of those dick head cops drunk with power.

Click the link below. Go to the "pics and movies" area of the web site. Click on "the Van Incident" You will need real player to view. This is what happens when SWAT training goes bad. The sound of breaking glass is somebody's head going through the window on the side of the van facing the ground. If you slow it down enough you can see his head and shoulders coming out the window.

http://members.home.net/inzax/nebraska.htm

Once again, I love your page.

Here's the video that he was talking about, hopefully it allows me to link it. You can distinctly see this poor sucker's head come flying out the van window. These SWAT guys are not exactly instilling me with the greatest of confidence.

Sidenote: Anyone else notice who's movie files are being hotlinked off to the right side on that movies page?

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Tequila - The Liquid Panty Remover -- Merseian @ 10:09 am
I got a good chuckle out of this news headline 'Tequila Helps Actress Take Her Clothes Off'... as I remembered many a party where Mr Cuervo worked his magic and girls suddenly started shedding clothing. The Actress in question Rebecca Romijn (wtf is she doing with that retard from full house) -Stamos. We got a small hint of it when she wore what little of the Mystique costume there was in X-men...now I guess we'll get to see a full blown nude scene.

CANNES, France (Reuters) - Former model Rebecca Romijn-Stamos said Sunday she had taken to the bottle to calm her nerves and do a strip tease in Brian De Palma's forthcoming erotic thriller "Femme Fatale."

"It was the scariest thing I've ever done...practice and a couple of shots of tequila got me through it," she told Reuters at the Cannes film festival.

I can remember one such night when at a party at my friend Phil's when after doing several shots of tequila I'd brought, a pretty blonde girl named Tracy said something that instantly shut everyone up in anticipation for a hot little puerto rican girl named Mikayla to respond to "Hey Mikayla lets play strip poker!" And to many cheers, praises and thanks to the mighty god Cuervo it came to be...

*update* sorry bout that, I'm braindead today...link is fixed.

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Like My Head Didn't Hurt Enough... -- Sharkey @ 12:44 am

More bullshit from soccer moms. I took issue with your crack about the effeminization of America regarding the article about the bully study. THIS is the effeminzation of America. If men (or women with balls) were running the show, they'd be caning bullies and teaching the geeks how to fight.

http://www.sptimes.com/News/051101/TampaBay/Student_removed_from_.shtml

The Coach

Ho-lee shit. I agree Coach, we've got a serious problem here. If this 11-year-old kid was cuffed and thrown out of school for drawing pictures of violent situations which were not directed at anyone, then I'm afraid we've reached a new low in censorship. Shit, at that point you'd have to arrest the 11-year-old version of me, and just about everyone else in my art class back then. Except that chick who just drew pictures of flowers, although women like that are probably the reason we've ended up like this.

I don't have to tell you how much this shit irritates me, it should be plainly clear by now, but I'd like to leave you with this last quote:

"We just need to get it through kids' heads that there are certain things you don't say and there are certain things you don't draw," he said.

That's right kids, there are certain things that you don't say and don't draw. And the list grows exponentially every fucking day, to the point where artistic license and freedom of speech will soon be a novelty, a vague memory of a discarded epoch. Tragic.

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Sunday, May 13, 2001

Sunday is recovery day... -- Merseian @ 1:52 pm
For once I Don't have to take my mom out to dinner and all that shit, she's off in st. louis with my aunt and my little brother watching the cubs/cardinals game. Which is nice cuz I gotta hangover and don't feel like waiting for a table at any restaurant today.

Bulldog who I must say is a motivated mofo...asked me to post that sector31.net is back up and running with a new design and such.

For those of you that have seen this little news blurb about the man monkey in New Dheli....

The police revealed the bizarre case after another resident of an enclave of the township of Ghaziabad was seriously "mauled" Saturday by what local residents said was a "man-monkey" on the prowl.

More than a dozen people have been hospitalised with fractures and severe injuries as a result of the attacks since April 28, many of them from falls while running away.

We here at bamf had nothing to do with it....although its a very good chance its BoltBoy and bobo the chimp's love child. Taking out its agression for having been born shorter than even other chimps.

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Are You Listening? -- Sharkey @ 11:06 am
Here are a few MP3s which have been circulating my playlist as of late, and I figured you might enjoy them on this fine Mother's Day.

Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness.mp3 (3.3MB) I dig on Jimmy Eat World, unfortunately you have to wait til' this summer before Sweetness is on a US release.
Ozma - Natalie Portman.mp3 (3.5MB) - Just found this band randomly on Napster, and came to like 'em. Who can't relate to this one?
Pixies - Monkey Gone To Heaven.mp3 (2.7MB) - Just an old favorite of mine. If you haven't heard it before, give it a try. Especially if you liked Where's My Mind?, better known as "that song from Fight Club.

I'm off.

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Saturday, May 12, 2001

Today is a sad day indeed. -- FaaQ @ 11:14 am
A sad day it is indeed for all Mofo's.

Britain's Douglas Adams, the author of "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy," has died suddenly at the age of 49.
Adams, who was married with a six-year-old daughter, died on Friday morning in Santa Barbara, California, after a heart attack, his personal assistant Sophie Astin told Reuters.

"It was a very sudden and unexpected death," she said.

The author became a household name in Britain when his 1979 cult science fiction saga, about a group of galactic travelers who survive the demolition of earth to build a space by-pass, was turned into a BBC TV series.

Work is currently under way to turn the book into a Disney film, according to the author's official Web site.

British author and television personality Stephen Fry was among those who posted their condolences on the site on Saturday.

Astin said she had received calls from other friends of Adams such as Terry Jones, of Monty Python fame, and David Gilmour of rock group Pink Floyd.

The satirical "Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" centered on the search for an answer to life and the universe -- which turned out to be 42.

The novel sold more than 14 million copies worldwide and was followed by sequels, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe," "Life, the Universe and Everything" and "So Long and Thanks for all the Fish."

SO long Mr. Adams, and thank you for your work.

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This Is Only A Test -- Sharkey @ 2:45 am
Since I wound up at home, alone, after a Friday night of insane drinking, I figured I'd post before I hit the sack which sits underneath my right foot at this time. So excuse the misspelling and whatnot, because I am very, very drunk at this point. So drunk, in fact, that it took me a Goddamn minute to use that bold tag in the last sentence. But I digress....

We got really fucked up at Sega Gameworks in Irvine tonight. It's kinda strange talking in the past tense about something that was simply described as 'present tense' only five short minutes ago, but oh well, you get the message.

Anyway, since I can barely find the keys on my keyboard, I'll impart to you what little drunkened logic I can muster. How about this: If you have the opportunity to play pool with an incredibly hot girl who will let you grab her ass in order to screw up her shot, giving you a distinct advantage, take it. And take it often.

I'm afraid that's all I can give ya right now. My bed calls me. I have to be up in... fuck... four-and-a-half hours. Oh well, at least liquor is there to ease the pain. Have a good Friday evening. Or Saturday morning. Or whatever the fuck you want to call it, I'm hittin' the sack.

Love, Sharkey.

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Friday, May 11, 2001

Like We Didn't See This Coming -- Sharkey @ 12:26 pm
[ The Mighty XFL Folds ] (thanks Scattershot)

Boo-friggin'-hoo. I wonder if I can pick up some of their cheerleaders at bulk rate?

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Thursday, May 10, 2001

Insomnia Sucks When Nobody's Around To Drink With -- Sharkey @ 6:43 pm
My body is a very strange and bitchy machine. I've spoken to a lot of people about the workings and mechanics of the inner clock, and I've come to the conclusion that mine is an archaic piece of junk.

Don't get me wrong, it's great when it works. It woke me up, every day, for a couple of years at the same time every damn morning. I could go to sleep after a night of drinking and still wake up two fucking hours later because my body said so. It was handy for getting to work on time.

But now it works against me. The problem is that the "wakeup timer" inside my head has a button rusted over. Rather than acting as a team, my body and I are in a constant struggle for control over when and sometimes where I wake up. It seems to like 8:45AM right now, and I wake up at that time every day without fail. Unfortunately, I'm supposed to be at work at 8:30. So I've been utilizing my old tricks to reset the inner clock for around 7:45. But my body, like SkyNet in the Terminator flicks, has somehow become self-aware, and is putting up heavy resistance. And so the morning battles begin:

*Alarm beeps. I stumble out of bed to turn it off*

Me: "Alright brain, we're getting up now. We're getting a shower and going to work. Got me?"

Brain: "That's what you think, chump. We're getting back in that fucking bed and sleeping at least one more hour."

Me: "Says you. I'm walking into that bathroom right now, and there ain't shit you can do to stop me."

Brain: "Oh really? And how do you plan to do that without the use of your legs?"

*PLOP*

Then I wake up at 8:45, swear at myself, and race for the bathroom. Lately I've been using more subtle tactics, trying to set up defenses against my body's natural ability to put me to sleep.

*Alarm beeps. I stumble out of bed to turn it off*

Me: "Alright brain, we're getting to work on time today, understand? No more of this knocking me out bullshit."

Brain: "Are you kidding? We only got 3 hours worth of sleep last night! Don't make me take out your legs and make you sleep on the Goddamn floor!"

Me: "Ha ha! That trick won't work on me brain. I've set the alarm ahead ten minutes. You knock me out, and we'll just get right back up."

*PLOP* (Ten minutes pass)

*Alarm beeps. I try to get up off the floor*

Me: "See brain, I told you. Never forget who's in charge around..."

*PLOP*

And so on, and so on. The insomnia I was having a few months ago came back last week, so these morning skirmishes only exist on days when I actually get sleep. I don't know if switching my workout schedule to 10:30PM has changed it for the better or worse. I can't even tell the damn difference. And the worst part is, my inner timer is starting to take control of afternoons as well, not just mornings. The only reason I'm even typing this out is to keep me from falling asleep at my desk. I'd go in the server room to sleep, but it's frosty like a bitch in there.

Anyway, thankfully this post has successfully taken up my last ounce of the workday. Now all I have to do is fight my brain enough to make it to the car, then the MoFo Den, and I'll be good to go. If you've read this far, I'm proud of you. And if you want to complain, go ahead, it'll fall on deaf ears anyway. I'll be asleep. At least I hope I'll be asleep.

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You Are Most Honorable, Colonel Sanders-San -- Sharkey @ 12:23 pm

I am in awe.

Click on that picture. Trust me. And check out the MadMan's other pics as well, there's some grand stuff in there.

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And My Esteem For Canada Goes Up A Notch -- Sharkey @ 11:26 am
Got an e-mail from Jeff telling me to check out this article regarding a new program up in Canada that aims to crack down on driving distractions. The OPP(yeah, you know me!)'s Operation Distraction program nabbed over 140 motorists on cell-phones, writing in datebooks, and numerous other people that you'd just love to bitch slap on your morning commute. I know there were a few just a couple of hours ago that I'd love to see pulled over and beaten with hollow reeds. I'd easily give up the ability to eat while driving if it'll keep those fucking cell-phones outta people's hands on the road. There isn't a day that goes by where some a-hole doesn't try to merge into me because they can't turn their head, talk, and drive at the same time. I can't comprehend how gabbing with your friend about your fucking shoes can take precenence over checking your blind spot.

BTW, a big thanks to MoFo reader Matt for sending in our new favicon that you IE users might see up in the address bar. Swankness Matt, pure swankness.

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Wednesday, May 09, 2001

No time like the present... -- Merseian @ 1:30 pm
I realize I haven't been posting as often as I should, I been kinda busy though working with the newest bamf staffer The Hojo (although I'm not sure if sharkey's made it official yet). Most of my free time has been devoted to drinking as always but in my sober moments I've been working with Hojo on characters and storylines for a web strip. I've been having problems with finding hosts, and getting domains switched around and shit like that...FUCK YOU NETWORK SOLUTIONS. Sharkey has saved the day though and setup a section for us to post the strip, and in so doing stopping me from going on a blood lust and killing many many people. We're calling it Phuckin Krazy Comics and there will be many varying storylines such as Tales of the MoFo and Ghordo Freak as well as others that are in the works. Anyways enough rambling..you can check out our first strip here. We plan on releasing a new strip twice a week at first, tuesdays and thursdays. If I'm not mistaken Sharkey is planning on putting a link over in the menu to the left for easy access. Enjoy.

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My interview with Maria’s husband: -- Mox @ 12:17 pm
So, we’re checking out these girls out on set down in Mexico for Arnold’s new film and he finds one in particular that interests him : "You see dat gurl ova der….ya…..I’d like to give hu da seventy-tree" I had no idea what he was talking about so I inquired as to what exactly he meant by that: "Ya, da seventy-tree is da sixty-nine with fouh of my fingas up ha ahss!"

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Too Bad The "Weakest Link" Wasn't Attached To His Harness -- Sharkey @ 11:12 am
This post comes twofold, so try not to take it all in at once. I wouldn't want to overwhelm your senses for the day. Doug sent in a link to a story about that Jamie guy from the last Real World in New Orleans. Seems that he was arrested after botching a bungee jump off the Golden Gate bridge on Saturday. He dangled for about fifteen minutes, plenty of time for Bay Area cops to swarm in and await the idiot's descent. His excuse for attempting the dangerous jump?

Murray said that he was attempting to "spread love" to members of his generation. "This jump is my way of drawing attention to the need for a positive movement of personal growth and social healing," he said.

Well, that answers that. He was obviously drunk. Whenever I watched that stupid show, I always hated that guy. I recall that he had quite a few hot chicks chasing after him, and he did diddly-shit about it. Unless you consider bitching and moaning as "doing something". Now he's trying to draw attention to the need for "positive movement of mental growth and social healing." Right. More like drawing attention to your extreme-sporting stupid-ass so that you can get a job at ESPN2, which will support your future coke habit. Dipshit. I wonder if he's from Indiana?

Anyway, as I was perusing the article, I saw a link to a "Hot Topic", entitled "Is the Weakest Link Host Too Rude?" Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I decided to indulge myself on another idiotic missive courtesy of John Q. Public-Opinion. And I was not dissappointed. After the article discusses how the writer gets a "kick out of her stern manner", the readers were allowed to voice their thoughts on the matter. I suggest you follow that link, since there are literally hundreds of morons complaining about a Goddamn TV show. Here are a couple of thought-provoking diatribes:

Nora M.
I think Anne needs manors. I mean think about it this lady puts down 7 out of 8 people on the show and other people backstage get those seven to put down others. As if America hasn't got enough sarcasm and cruelty AND rudness as it is, now we've got this show on TV were one lady puttes down, what, 49 people a week. Hel-loooo! I think the only good parts to this show are there is no unruly language and you learn things, but that's it. I especially don't like that "good-bye".

I think Nora needs to go back to remedial English. And perhaps a Math or Deductive Reasoning course, while we're on the subject of 49 people a week with a show that airs solely on Monday nights. Brilliance. Hel-looooo!

Jeff
Let's just settle it once and for all: The snippy Brit and Regis in the ring. 15 rounds. Whoever isn't standing when the final bell rings is "the weakest link" and THAT's "my final answer."

Well, that does it. I don't think I've ever seen anyone so capable of utilizing popular catch phrases in such a stinging piece of commentary. Jeff's witty remarks have so greatly surpassed my own capacity, that I have decided to go gay. Jeff, marry me and we can live in harmony forever. Of course, by the phrase "go gay", I mean "dispatch a simian death squad to Jeff's home". And by "marry me", I mean "die a horribly agonizing death in which you choke on your own bile."

It's a think piece. I think I'll hit the can now.

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Stick Figure Kung Fu -- Orion @ 9:19 am
I got this link, really liked the flash work, and I'm making the assumption (fuck off, it's early and my blood level in caffeine system is too high) that it's a mirror. If any of you have a link to parts 1 and 2, please let me know.

...and everybody was Kung Fu fighting....

Oh yeah, and if the link was already up here and I missed it? I would normally say sorry, but instead I'll refer you to the ( ) in the first paragraph, adding an additional fuck you at the beginning or the end, your choice.

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Tuesday, May 08, 2001

Indiana, Don't Make Me Revoke Your Living Privileges -- Sharkey @ 10:28 pm
Mabs and I were sitting around, and he starts rambling off bits from a news story that he's reading. It's about an ex-principal from a Baptists school in Indiana who was caught in Las Vegas today with an 11 year old student whom he had run away with. He was arrested for coersion and enticement of a minor into sexual acts, and crossing the state lines for the purposes of sex with a minor. But... the plot thickens.

This guy had already been arrested in 1990 for contributing to the delinquency of a 15 year old girl, whom he was caught with in a state of undress. Then, he gets the pricipal job at the Baptist church after his Dad resigned after allegedly soliciting oral sex from a male police officer.

I'm gonna need some reasons to keep Indiana on the map once my plans for world domination have come to fruition. Seriously Indiana, don't make me sell your asses to Canada. And if you keep this shit up... French Canada.

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Eventually You Run Out Of Clever Subject Headings -- Sharkey @ 2:57 pm
[ Napster Introduces "Fingerprinting" Technology To Ban Songs ]

Sulu: "Captain Sharkey, it appears that they are on to our filter evasion tactics. Please advise on our next course of action."

Sharkey: "Fuck! Those bastards put the entire Transformers: The Movie soundtrack on the 'banned' list! That's alls I can stands, I can't stands no more! Fire the Disco-Ray! And then make with the hot alien broads and some exotic Martian liquor!"

Sulu: "For the last time, we don't have a Disco-Ray! That's a gag from a Simpsons episode! Good Lord, I've never missed Shatner so much in my entire life!"

Sharkey: "Shut your yap, you no-talent swish! If I'm going to be stuck on a show that I hate as much as Trek, there's going to be some Goddamn disco-dancin'! Now set a course for the Planet of the Apes, Mr. Suckass. We've got a fucking score to settle!"

Yeah, I'm real serious about my work day, as you can easily tell.

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We Home Grow 'Em, Thanks -- Sharkey @ 11:32 am
I had a lot of people writing in about this one, asking if I was possibly the culprit:

[ Monkey Escapes On Flight From Yemen ] (thanks Kane of Nod for getting it in first)

Alright, first off, I'm not the biggest fan of Yemen. Don't get me wrong, the weather is nice and sunny there this time of year, but the lack of alcohol inherent in the culture puts me off a bit. Besides, why travel halfway across the globe when I can grow and raise my own cybernetic monkeys right here. Besides, you think I'd botch a job up that important? You gotta dope those monkeys up before a flight, everyone with a simian death squad knows that!

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Monday, May 07, 2001

Tarnishing The Golden Rule -- Sharkey @ 11:12 am
A small Florida-based charity called "Love Thy Neighbor" has been sued for trademark infringement by Detroit-based "Love Your Neighbor", which sells jewelry.

There's really something wrong with this world.

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Blizzard Hax0r3d -- Sharkey @ 10:02 am
The Blizz got hacked this morning, although it looks like their main page no longer sports the sleek new error message the the l33t hax0rs put up. Here's the text (thanks Draslin) that was displayed:

The page cannot be displayed because our force of trained cyber monkeys and underground gnomes have disabled it.

The page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web
site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or it just may have
been hijacked by our force of trained cyber monkeys and
underground gnomes who wish to rule the world.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please try the following (Not that they will help):

Click the Refresh button 10,000,000 times, or just go here.

If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly, if it's not then you are a retard and shouldn't be online.

Click the Back button to try another link, but we'd rather you go here.
Shouldn't you be running unix?

Cannot find server or DNS Error
Why? Because you have been hacked, dumbass.

hacked by: lks and nsr

I swear it wasn't me. We don't have any gnomes at the MoFo camp. The little bastards are always dippin' into the sauce for one, not to mention the fact that the monkeys consider them to be a fine afternoon snack. And believe me, gnomes aren't exactly considered "roughage" if you hear what I'm sayin'.

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Saturday, May 05, 2001

Cinco De Mayo -- Orion @ 3:26 am
Fifth of Mayonnaise? Bleah. I wanted to be the first to wish all the little MoFo's out there Happy Cinco De Mayo, and also wanted a weekend post up so that Sharkey won't feel bad about not posting anything all weekend due to his drunken stupor.

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Friday, May 04, 2001

=W= -- Sharkey @ 4:22 pm
I can't wait for the CD, but thankfully TheX got me all the mp3s ahead of time. Me likee.

I'll see if I can share a track or two later on. It sounds really fucking good so far. And no, I don't give a rats ass of your opinion of Weezer. Like I said, it's Friday, go have a beer or something.

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Time Flies When You're Not Trapped In Hades -- Sharkey @ 3:06 pm
Ahhh... payed days off kick more ass than John Wayne at a gay pride parade. Why? Because not only can I neglect my work, but I can neglect all of you. Don't you feel loved?

Well suck it up. You're the ones who argued with a guy that compared lima beans to vegetarianism. Suckers.

But hey, since I love you all so much, I'm going to try and upload a couple of kickass mp3s when I get back to my house. That sound good? Well if not, you can cram it with walnuts. Get a life, it's Friday for God's sake!

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Thursday, May 03, 2001

Trigger Happy -- Sharkey @ 10:56 am
[ McDonald's Sued For Damages Over Fries Cooked In Beef Fat ]

Seriously now, I can understand (if this is true) that the vegitarian community would be upset. But for cryin' out loud, hundreds of millions of dollars in damages? If these bastards really gave a rats ass, wouldn't they sue McDonalds solely to get them to stop frying the uh... fries in beef fat? It's not like you're under emotional duress because of it, there's no physical harm done. Not that anyone eating at fucking McDonalds really cares about their health.

I hate lima beans. HATE. I mean really hate lima beans. They make me actually, physically vomit from the moment that they make tactile contact with my tongue. Even thinking about those green sons of bitches in my mouth makes me shudder. I have discussed my hatred of them with vegitarians before, and we have concluded that I have an equally deep-seeded hatred of lima beans as they do of meat. The thought of meat makes them vomit. The thought of lima beans makes me vomit. Although I've seen vegitarians eat meat and they seemed fine, I have never, ever eaten lima beans without vomiting. It's a natural fact that I cannot eat them. But I'll just say that we're even on the lima bean/meat playing field, alright? I downright demand my right not to eat lima beans if I choose. I'm serious here, I'm not joking around. No lima beans for this MoFo. Ever.

Now, if McDonald's told me that they'd been lacing their burgers with lima beans for the past twenty some-odd years, I know that I would not sue them for damages. Why? Because I'm not hurt. I didn't vomit. In fact, I shouldn't have been eating their disgusting burgers anyway, so it serves me right in some sense. But I can imagine that a few of my lima-bean-hating brethren would want them to stop. Fine. But don't give me any bullshit about legal damages. I highly doubt that these fries have caused any permanent damage, other than flabby asses and love handles.

I can't exactly speak for my friends who've made not eating lima beans part of their religion. That's their business and I can't fully understand it without being a part of it. But I'll tell you this: If there was a fast-food joint called "World of Lima Beans", that just-so-happened to make some kickass french fries, I still wouldn't eat there. And I especially wouldn't eat at such a place if my religion considered the lima bean as "sacred". But hey, you buy your fries and you takes your chances.

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Have You Considered 'Da Butt'? -- Sharkey @ 9:21 am
I got an email tipoff from dustybin88 about Tom Cruise's $100 million legal battle with a porn star who claims that they had a gay love affair, which helped to end his marriage to Nicole Kidman. Just a question, where does "choadeling" fit into the Scientologist lifestyle? I guess they do take it in the ass day in and day out, they may as well incorporate it into their home lives.

In an article first published in the French magazine Actustar and translated and reprinted in the Spanish magazine TVyNovelas, Slater claimed that he and Cruise had a continuing affair. He also said that Kidman once walked in on the two men during a romantic encounter, just days before the famous couple announced their separation in February.

"There is not a germ of truth in this vicious, self-promoting story," the court papers said. "While Cruise thoroughly respects others' right to follow their own sexual preference, he is not a homosexual, had no relationship of any kind with Kyle Bradford and does not even know him."

Why is it that stars have to placate the gay/lesbian community whenever something like this arises? "While Cruise thoroughly respects others' right to follow their own sexual preference..." Bullshit man, if one of your buddies came up to you and started slingin' rumors around that you like it in the ass, your first response would most likely be "I'm not gay." I doubt highly that if I accused Bolt Boy of being a cock smoker, he'd respond with "Well, while I respect other individuals' choice to smoke cock, I myself choose to refrain." The whole PC-ness of the phrase just makes the situation worse.

Seems to me that if Cruise really wanted this monkey off his back (uh... figure of speech) he'd just respond with, "I'm not a fag, dammit!" I know it's insensetive and all that jazz, but really, would anyone accuse someone of being a homosexual if GLAAD was protesting their next movie because he used the word "fag"? Just a thought.

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Anybody Read Garth Ennis' Punisher? -- Sharkey @ 2:02 am
This just sounds familiar...

A 320-pound meat factory worker was sentenced to community service for performing a belly-flop on a workmate in a pork-processing plant. Andrew Baldry — nicknamed "Honey Monster" — was convicted last month of assaulting Christopher Purvis at the plant in Beccles, eastern England. Purvis said the 6-foot-2 Baldry belly-flopped on top of him as three other workers pinned him down. Purvis, who is 5 feet 8 and weighs 140 pounds, suffered cracked ribs. Baldry, 32, maintained he fell after being pushed by a colleague. Baldry was ordered to perform 180 hours community service and pay Purvis $1,000.

Now, Bud and I were talking about the old axiom of "an eye for an eye", which got me thinking about a fitting punishment for Fat Albert here. But what could we possibly toss on top of him that could cause as much damage?

Yikes. Nevermind. That's just cruel.

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Wednesday, May 02, 2001

A Litte Lunchtime Reader Mail -- Sharkey @ 2:43 pm

From: Matt "Lothar" Hallsworth
Subject: dotcom bullshit

Hiya Sharkey,

Your resident Diablo 2 BAMF-reading webpage just got shafted by the internet corporations that decide who gets what and how. I read about Daily Radar going down, well we just got told to put Flashlink on our site or else. So we put it on and complained a *little* (in the form of several bitchy rants, heh) and lo and behold, we now have no site, no ftp access and no word from the admins.

The Internet is going down the tube, a lot faster than we thought. Sigh.
We're never going to get the last 4-5 years back... damnit.

Matt "Lothar" Hallsworth,
Yegg's Tavern - http://www.diablo2.com

Man, that fucking sucks. If you check Diablo2.com now, there's nothing but a blank page asking you to check back soon for their new layout. But Lothar is right, it isn't ever going to be like it was the last 4 years or so. No more techies driving Jags to work where they pretty much play ping-pong all day. No huge corporate parties and stock options that were actually worth something once. But still, the house of cards that most Internet companies built had to fall at some point. And they had to take a lot of us little guys down with 'em. Too bad the Internet's business sector was mostly run by a bunch of idealistic geeks as opposed to businessmen. Just a bunch of egotistical dorks who figured they could run a company better than the next guy. Unfortunately, competence in your job does not equal competence in management. And even competence in management does not constitute business savvy.

Oh well, hopefully Lothar will be back in full effect elsewhere.

From: Ryan J Williams
Subject: Schools are getting dumber yet they still teach us kids

2 weeks ago my friend was almost killed at school when a kid carried 3 knives into school to stab him. They found the weapons on the kid at the door. He was sent home and not suspened at all. Later that week my friend got in a fight after some kid told him at lunch he was going to get jumped if he didn't fight him after school. So my friend Mike fought that kid and was suspended b/c he was conspiring to fight at school. The other kid that was going to jump my friend never got in trouble but he did get knocked out in 3 punchs. My friend is now back from his 10 day suspension finally yet when Monday comes I might be suspended for burping. Yes that's right I burped on purpose at lunch. The teachers said I was endangering the other student's health and well being in a 5 foot radius. I also broke several health regulations that the school has I guess. So unless my mom tries to appeal it I'm suspended for 3 days. Maybe it's just me but my school seems fucked up. Get some ppl to comment so I can show this to the principle so he can feel like an ass to lots of ppl b4 I'm on a paid vaction for 3 days. Well later

I doubt highly that your pricipal would even read this site, let alone feel foolish for having your letter printed here, but you've amused me nontheless.

Now, with the fighting & whatnot I can understand the suspensions. Although they should probably have a better door policy than "If you brought a weapon with you, leave it at home." But the burping... that's a new one. Unless you were eating those old cafeteria burritos. Shit, Wags used to eat that crap, and there's no way I'd be within five feet of him.

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We Cannot Afford To Lose Another Taylor -- Sharkey @ 11:36 am
My inbox is becoming flooded with information regarding Nikki Taylor's recent car accident, which has resulted in life threatening liver damage for the supermodel. The cause of the accident? The driver, a friend of Taylor's, went to answer his cell phone and lost control of the vehicle, smashing it into a utility pole.

Dr. Jeffrey Nichols, appearing on ABC's "Good Morning America," said Taylor, 26, "lost extensive amounts of blood" and was still in intensive care. He said her injuries "were life-threatening and remain that way."

Taylor, who was wearing a seat belt, was not thrown from the car and initially appeared to be unhurt, but then experienced severe abdominal pain, publicist Lou Taylor said. She had no head or facial injuries.

*Sigh*, first her incredibly hot younger sistery Krissy dies, and now Nikki might die because of a damned cell-phone. It's just not right.

Suddenly Mers' cell-phone jamming solution seems like an even better idea.

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Lactose Intolerance Be Damned! -- Sharkey @ 10:23 am
Don't forget that both Ben & Jerry's and Baskin Robbins are giving away free ice cream today.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2001

Warp Speed, Mr. Suckass -- Sharkey @ 11:50 am
Well, we're about a third of the way through 2001. It's May yet again, do you know what that means? It means there's almost no chance of getting any rain again until around October. I feel somewhat cheated, since we got such a pathetic amount of rain this year, most of it while I was sound asleep. But you never know, there could be another tropical storm that could nearly wipe out Southern Florida again (sorry Solo) and we'll get showers every day for a month over here. After all, what's one little destroyed state compared to my happiness?Damn skippy. And while we're on the subject of my happiness, here are a few links that certainly don't hurt my self-esteem.

You Trekkies will love this, and I will mock you for it. I think if I saw anyone driving this POS down the street, I'd have to beat the shit out of him just on principle. Although I would have to admire his overinflated imagination, especially after pretending to drive such a futuristic vehicle with a manual transmission. Dorks.

Icy Hot Stuntaz. I had to put this one up before you guys completely flooded my inbox with it. Are these choades even old enough to drive those obviously "parent-purchased" automobiles? Someone do me a favor, and load these three into the "magic bus" from the last link, that way I can kill two birds with one stone when I bust out the serious can o' whup-ass. And leave the keys to that Firebird behind.

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Revenge is sweet....and expensive. -- Merseian @ 8:18 am
I share one of the same pet peeves as Sharkey. That being those fucking assholes that feel its absolutely necessary to drive and talk on their cell phone and endanger every other person on the road all at the same time. My good friend Kardac over at BIG tiny and I were talking about this same problem this morning and thinking of ways to build a jamming device...when we came across this lil gem. I don't know how legal these are to have, but I'd definately dish out the $900 to get some payback to those sumamuhbitches that damn near run me off the road cuz they're too busy talking on the cell, driving, reading a book and eating, or are those fuckin gashes that apply makeup while looking in the mirror all at the same time.

C-Guard Cellular FireWall is a jammer device that transmits low power radio signals, which cut-off communications between cellular handsets and cellular base-stations.

The low power unit has got a 500ft radius of pure cell phone jamming sweetness and is small enough to fit in your glove box. The high power unit comes in a metal water resistant suitcase.

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Renny Harlin Is A Dead Man -- Sharkey @ 2:43 am
As if Renny "Why Would Gena Davis Touch Me?" Harlin didn't have enough to answer for, (ie: Deep Blue Sea, Cutthroat Island) he's now made my absolute shit list for one simple reason: he made uber-hottie Estella Warren cry. Yeah, he did it for the movie Driven, but the monkeys I just dispatched to tear his limbs off and use them for batting practice aren't going to listen to such excuses.

"I said: 'Who do you think you are? You're just a model. You don't know anything about acting. You're just another pretty face. You're never going to amount to anything.'

"My outburst absolutely destroyed her and it was the best thing because she was so humiliated in front of everyone that the tears just poured out.

Lemme get this straight, Renny ol' pal. You made that absolutely gorgeous creature cry for your shitballs Sly Stallone flick? I think you should get your eyes gouged out with a rusty letter opener just for having the audacity to do such a thing in the name of "authenticity". From what I hear, the only authentic thing in that flaming crap heap is Stallone's slurred speech and generally ignorant countenance.

Yikes, I'm sorry. When I hear about girls crying, I bust out the insulting vocabulary. Well, that and a simian death squad. I wonder which one will reach Renny first?

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