Any news, comments, pie? Send it

Slackers -- Sharkey @ 9:33 pm
Alright, seriously you guys. Let's get a move-on. The number is (877) 626-0287, give it a call toll-free. Mox's sister is downstairs, I know some of you guys can admit to being alone and pathetic, so give us a ring. You have mere minutes, get a-goin'.

Wise-ass reviews -- Sharkey @ 3:42 pm
Do some of you ever wish we here at BAMF would watch crappy teen soap operas and review them with our patented sarcastic wit? Well, that ain't gonna happen. But, there is a site out there who seems to have done just that, and I have deemed it worthy. Go check out Mighty Big TV to get a sarcastic look into the lives of Dawson, Buffy, and all those other shows I rarely see.

Pansies -- Sharkey @ 2:04 pm
C'mon, 4 entries? I woke up for 4 entries? Pathetic! How hard is it for you to call (877) 626-0287? Its toll free for cryin' out loud! Alright, alright I see how this is gonna be played, so I'll up the ante. At around 6 or 7:00 tonight, I'll rerecord the voice-mail message and do it with my voice. An assload of you were complaining about having to listen to Big Jim on the recording, so if I get a bunch of messages I'll change it tonight. And as a prize, you still get the call from Mox's beautiful sister. So get crackin' you lazy bums, I'm almost dissapointed here. PiratePete is the best so far and he refused the prize!

Fight the power -- wrongforum @ 11:44 am
I picked up the new Rolling Stone with Nic Cage on the cover. Of course, the cool thing was that they did a review of the new Rage Against the Machine album "The Battle of Los Angeles". And guess what? It was their main review for the issue, which means they get the big illustration for their album in the reviews section. And even better, they gave it a whopping FOUR stars, which is unbelievably awesome.

And everything they say is true. I just cut my RATM mp3s of the new album onto cd, so now I can bump my car all over the road. It is a truly awesome album. Hey, maybe I should do a real music review.... or maybe I'll be lazy all day.

I mostly buy albums that get four+ stars in Rolling Stone, and have not been disappointed yet. Some of the past receivers include Radiohead's "OK Computer" and the Chemical Brothers' "Surrender". I'll have to say that I agrree with the Stone about these albums.

It's postmodern funny! -- wrongforum @ 10:35 am
Thanks for the tip, Ezis. It seems the indeterminable Old Man Murray has been bought out by a hip '90s Japanese whaling company. And the fun has only begun. Make sure you have your Quicktime plug-in handy to get the full effect of "east meets west".

Where the hell are you people? -- wrongforum @ 1:45 am
MAN. What a whacked out party. Halloween parties can go weird. I went as Satan, which involved me wearing a blue shirt and blue jeans. Somebody asks me why I'm supposed to be Satan and my response is straight from Dolce and Gabana: "Blue is the new red."

Only people that read anything about fashion will care about that joke, and those that do read about fashion will laugh at me. Everybody knows Dolce and Gabana don't give a shit about blue!

As for my comments about Natalie Portman, the actuality of my dislike is somewhat entangled. You see, I have a 17 year old sister that looks almost exactly like Ms. Portman. It's like looking at my sis everytime I see a pic of Queen Amidala, which is very troubling to say the least.

And besides, who would want to marry a girl with dog shit on her shoes?

Happy Halloween -- Sharkey @ 12:29 am
Alright, its time for all the cute little kids to put on their cute little costumes and beg for candy at my door. Little do they know the horror that waits for them on the other side of the door. That's right, I'm going to give the little buggers: black licorice. GASP! Man am I cruel.

BTW, be sure and call (877) 626-0287 and win yourself a way cool prize. **Update** And just so PiratePete and the rest of the world know, she doesn't look like James Van Der Beek, which is really fucking strange. No, wait, I think it'd be strange if she did. Anyway, later.

Saturday, October 30, 1999

Call us you bastards -- Sharkey @ 11:11 pm
OK, Mabs just came up with this one. In order to boost calls to our near-defunct 800 number, we're initiating a contest. First off, call (877) 626-0287. The person who leaves the best message will recieve a personal call from Mox's sister (hot and legal, BTW). All judging will be done by a semi-sober staff of The triad. Get to work.Offer void in Utah.

I am on crack -- Sharkey @ 10:20 pm
Seriously, I must be. I just scrolled down and realized that I already posted those Cindy pics on Wednesday. Why didn't anyone tell me? Guess I need more sleep.

Oh $^@% -- Sharkey @ 5:25 pm
Uhm...so I've been keeping close tabs on the site's traffic stats lately, because I knew we'd pass the 3Gigs/month data transfer cap, bumping us up to the next payment plan. I checked the stats today, and saw that last night we passed 4.1 Gigs of transfer this month. Shit. I mean, don't get me wrong, it rules. Although I checked on rates, and found that the next available plan is like $100. Yeah, I swore too. But never fear my friends, there's always options. Maybe I can talk to our account rep there and see if we can work something out. Maybe we could put a little button for Concentric over *hmya* --> Or maybe we'll move. Either way, the MoFo will always be here, like a little beacon of hope for the non-tards and pie-lovers.

Weekend Slice -- Sharkey @ 5:06 pm
Why? Maybe cuz you've all been good lately. Or maybe it's because I meant to post these yesterday but was a lazy bitch. Either way, here's the rest of them Cindy pics that Solo sent me:

I quote Solo now, "cindy crawford may be getting older, but god damn...." And he is aboslutely right. Just check out that caboose! Damn!

Question: -- Sharkey @ 4:49 pm
OK, here's one. Who would win in a fight, Kenny Baker or Warwick Davis? Now, Warwick has youth on his side (sorta), but Baker has the age and experience. Davis has all sorts of magic tricks he picked up from Willow, but Baker has endurance that he gained from living in a 4-foot tall R2D2 in the searing heat. This would be one mean midget battle. This is the kind of entertainment I want in my restaurant. Medeival Times for midgets. Midget jousting on pink midget ponies, fire-breathing acrobat midget, and midget servers. Can you smell the money rolling in?

Cristina Ricci -- Captain Terror @ 4:10 pm
Now that's a great last name. (Nice hoots too!)

BWA-HA-HA!!! -- Sharkey @ 3:32 pm
Ha ha ha!! OMG, I just caught this pic that was posted about over at Brain Damage. Hys-fuckin'-sterical. Let this be a lesson to you drunk party chicks, this is the 90's. If there's a pic of Lucas here on the 'Net, there's probably a pic of you. Especially if you do stuff like that chick.

MoFo expenditures -- Sharkey @ 2:30 pm
Hmmm...I always wonder where my money goes. Let's see what I'll be spending this month:

1. $500+ for first month's rent at new place.
2. $260 for car.
3. $140 for Micro Center (computer store) bill
4. $70 or so for utilities at new place.
5. $25 for BAMF hosting
6. $30 for cable modem
7. $60 for cell phone setup/usage
8. $100 for gas

= $1185. WTF?!?? That's where my money goes? Damn. Good thing I already paid off my tab at the Furby Hooker Network.

Ahhh...better. -- Sharkey @ 2:09 pm
Man, nothin' better after a near-sleepless week than 10 good hours of zonk-out sleep. Much better. Well, as I'm sure you kids know, I've been pulling double shifts at work, until I get a replacement in tech support. Very tiring working from noon to 2am, but you won't hear me complaining on payday baby. BOO-YAH!

So last night me and some buddies went up to the El Capitan theatre to catch a showing of Nightmare Before Christmas, which was awesome. I hadn't seen that flick in awhile. Afterwards we went to Carver's Deli on Fairfax for food. On the way there, we see this huge fat woman driving one of those old grandma motorized shopping carts. Then, as she gets closer I notice that she's not wearing a top, or bra, just two round sparkly-red discs over her nipples. Seriously, this lady was ready for fugly.net. Uggh. My friend Robert convinced me that their "Thanksgiving dinner everyday" was a good idea. Unfortunately, he was wrong, and I was an idiot to listen to him. That stuff set up a tent in my stomach, busted out the habachi and decided to stay awhile. It hurt like a sonuvabitch.

Oh, and as for wrongforum's comments on the women we love so much. First, JLH's acting skills aren't under question here, because she doesn't have any. The only talents she has are strapped to her chest. Secondly, the same goes for Sarah Michelle Gellar. Thirdly, wrongforum just doesn't appreciate Natalie's charms, which is ok. See, Dave at my work put it this way: Jennifer Love Hewitt is the type of girl you hope you end up in bed with. Natalie Portman is the type of girl you hope you end up marrying. Case closed.

Mofo money woes -- wrongforum @ 1:54 pm
What I want to know is, why haven't you people out there paid my cable bill yet? It's three months overdue! Don't you people care? I gave you warning a week or two ago, but nobody acknowledged it. I think its time to get rid of this deadbeat crowd who can't pay their bills.

Friday's Expenditures -- Nick @ 1:36 pm
$ 3.20 - Lunch @ CiCi's Pizza
$ 0.60 - Medium Cherry Coke
$ 4.13 - Two roses for ex-girlfriend
$ 4.13 - Two roses for current girlfriend
$ 5.00 - Admission to high school football game
$ 3.92 - Tall stack buttermilk pancakes @ IHOP
$16.80 - Full tank of gas
$ 0.98 - 20 oz Mountain Dew
$ 6.00 - Contribution to party elements

TOTAL: $44.76
Being a BadAssMofo: Priceless

I need to get a better job or stop spending so much dinero. Where did the other BAMF's money go to?

Tired -- Sharkey @ 2:59 am
Boy I'm beat. I'll have to fill you in on the day's events in the morning. Just know that we went to see Nightmare Before Christmas at the El Capitan in Hollywood, saw an obese woman on an old lady motor-cart wearing red circles over her nipples, and I've worked an insane amount of hours lately. BTW, Troma offered the same deal to a bunch of other people in the "kommunity", so I'll have to fully inspect their contract. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a large amount of food stuck in my stomach and its begging me to fall asleep. Goodnight, and remember: Nobody has the right to touch you in your bathing suit area.

Friday, October 29, 1999

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 4:43 pm
As per Shaggy's request, today's slice is the lovely Christina Ricci:

Who can forget that just yesterday lil' Christina was Wednesday. Now she's sexy, which is wierd. And while we're on the subject of wierd, where did these come from? Baby's built like a brick space shuttle. Stacked.

Troma? -- Sharkey @ 3:09 pm
I got an offer e-mailed to me yesterday. Tromaville.com (home of Troma films) wants us to become part of their "community" of counter-culture sites. This would mean free hosting and benefits/whatnot. I gotta call the guy who made the offer today, if it seems like a cool deal, we may go with it. If it sucks, then we won't. Simple as that. What I want to know, is how they found us. Any other web-meisters reading, did you get the same offer? Anybody gots da info?

I AM THE SAMSON OF SPITE!!! -- wrongforum @ 12:14 am
I can't take it. I've been hearing such goddamn good things about Atroxi's radio show. I finally download Realplayer G2. I install it. It won't work. It won't work It won't work It won't work. In other words, GODDAMN IT GODDAMN IT GODDAMN IT!

Thursday, October 28, 1999

Too much JLH -- wrongforum @ 11:59 pm
Sharkey posts some Jennifer Love Hewitt pictures. Stile posts some Jennifer Love Hewitt pictures. I go to work, and some guy has the Maxim calendar, with Jennifer Love Hewitt on the front. I go to the grocery store, I see the Maxim with her on the cover. Okay. I'm gonna say something I'll probably regret.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is ugly. I can't deny it any longer. I almost sat through her SotD status in silence. I watched her part in "Party of Five". I watched the previews for "I'm Gonna Try and Scare You Next Summer" and "I'm Gonna Try and Scare You the Summer After Next Summer", as well as "Can't Hardly Wait". I watched that horrendous video for "How Do I Live". I've tried and tried. Jennifer, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I just can't see what makes everybody take a dump in their pants everytime they see a picture of you. I'm sure you're a great gal, but honey, get on the bus.

Now, if you're looking for a *real* woman, go look at Angelina Jolie. She's cerified by the US government to be the hottest slice on the whole planet, bar none. Just look at her! How can there be any contest?

Oh, and just for the record, I don't like Sarah Michelle Gellar, either. Sorry. I saw her on the Daily Show a coupla days back, and it just reaffirmed my view.

****Update*****
Sorry. I really didn't mean that she was ugly. To quote a fine Doktor, she's just nothing to drool over. And neither is Natalie Portman.

Drinkin' In LA -- Sharkey @ 11:19 pm
Alright, if you're not reading the Renegade Rants, you're seriously missing out. Spooky has been putting up some quality pr0n (thought that would get your attention) and some great mp3's. Check out today's mp3 Drinking In LA by Bran Van 3000. Pretty good stuff.

Sweet. -- Sharkey @ 10:59 pm
Alrighty everyone, I dish it out most of the time, and occasionally I get it back. I love you too Frus. BTW, its Sharkey with an "e" dammit.

MoFo Plate Frames -- Sharkey @ 7:50 pm
Don't worry guys, I'm all over the mofo license plate frames. The lady is supposed to have an estimate tomorrow afternoon, and I'll be billing all you badass drivers post haste. The cost will probably be small, like 18-20 bucks, not sure about shipping yet.

This will kick ass.

BOO-YAH! -- Sharkey @ 7:00 pm
Friggin'-A right! I got our database down pat baby. And I thought it'd be one complicated mofo. Schweeeet.

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 4:02 pm
As promised, today's slice is Jennifer Love Hewitt. The pics are from her spread in Maxim.

Want more? Thought so. Here are all the photos from the spread: :: Image 1 :: Image 2 :: Image 3 :: Image 4 ::

Pokemon: Gotta kill 'em all... -- Sharkey @ 11:20 am
Anytime I can refer to the good ol' days of Metallica (before they became pansies) is good. Anyway, seems that kids are taking Pokemon a little too seriously. Recently a knife wielding 12 year old was arrested after stabbing a 14 year old during an argument over Pokemon cards. Have a look:

The fourteen-year old victim had got involved in the pocket monster incident when his ten-year old brother had had his Pokémon cards stolen by an unscrupulous trading partner. The 12-year old attacker reacted violently when the elder brother attempted to retrieve the stolen property.

In the aftermath the attacker made verbal threats to other staff and students before being disarmed by a teacher. The victim required four stitches in his gashed shoulder whilst the attacker was arrested. The school involved are re-considering a past decision that stayed a possible ban on the cards featuring the Nintendo characters.

Intellimouse Explorer review -- Sharkey @ 5:26 am
I WANT, I WANT, I WANT!. I think I just might have to buy this sucker. Sounds like one amazing piece of technology, wonder if it could replace the ol' trackball? Guess we'll have to give it a test drive and see.

In tech news... -- Sharkey @ 5:16 am
But can I really be considered a tech anymore? Well, until I stop working that job on top of the new one I guess I am. Anyway, seems Windows NT Service Pack 6 was just released. My advice to techs? WAIT. Always wait with Microsoft product, especially those pesky service packs. I installed Service Pack 5 on a machine at work the day it came out and the sucka crapped itself. Give it a week or at least one patch.

Ok, calming down... -- Sharkey @ 5:05 am
Ok, glad I got that out of my system. Now for a surprise. You're probably gonna get 2 slices today. Why would I do this? To make up for the missing slice the other day? Out of the goodness of my heart? Hmm...well, for whatever reason, here's a sneak preview:

I....am...so....pissed...off...right...now... -- Sharkey @ 3:24 am
Excuse...me....Must....vent.....rage.....

S%NUV@C@#KSMOK^N'@$$SH#L%PR^CK-B^T^NG, J@CKH%L^NG, D^#K-S*CK^NG, M%TH^R#*@K^NG, B#^CH-@$$, C*%T, @$$F*&K, CR@CK-@$$, S#N*F@WH*RE, $H^T-E@T^NG [edited for our younger viewers] F@T@$$, BUG#Y#D, W#RMH%@DED S@CK OF MONK%Y $H^T, M^DG%T#*&KING, @$$L^CK^NG,D^RT-%TI@NG, C%US^N-%@P^NG, P^%CEOF$H^T, G@Y-@$$, P*$$Y %@T^NG BARBARA STREISAND!!!!

*SIGH*...Needless to say Mox, the CD with all the video files for the readers will not read on my PC. F*CK!!!

Nekkid chicks on newsprint -- wrongforum @ 12:53 am
I was heading to the can today, and I was looking for something to read, since I had just finished my latest edition of Talk. So I go through my bookshelf to see if I can find any "light reading" for the bathroom. That's when I came upon my much-read Watchmen by Alan Moore (I just wanna say for the record that Moore is a genius). While I was reading through it again, I thought about the whole state of comics when I was growing up, and the pile of shit that is the comics industry now.

I would like to say that I may be full of old-skool nostalgic bullshit. But damn! There is not one mainstream comic worth buying these days. The only guys that put out semi-regular work that is worth spending that cash on are the books put out by Legend over at Dark Horse. That's it. No Marvel, DC, nor Image (or whatever they call themselves now) mag is worth buying for a decent story (Moore work excluded).

I would go so far as to say that buying individual comics is stupid. Hell, you pay $2-3 for shiny paper. I say go for the collected volumes that go for $10-15, which won't be a collectors item, but something you'll actually read instead of packing it up in a mylar bag and tucking away for your parents to throw away when you move out. I know that old song and dance - I used to rabidly collect, all the way through early high school. All those stupid bags and boards do is keep me from easily re-reading them when I need to take a dump.

I don't collect anymore, except if I see a $.25 bin full of old Valiant books like X-O, Magnus, and Harbinger, or a trade paperback of a Sin City set, or maybe a HellBoy or two. All you fanboys out there! Stop collecting X-Men NOW. They won't be worth anything, I promise. I've got a fifty issue run of that shit, and it is worth about as much.

I'm warning you collectors now. Buy what you enjoy for the story, because if don't, you'll end up with a pile of foil-stamped-embossed-chromium-etched mags that are worth less than the paper it was printed on. And all that means is that you'll have valuble closet space being wasted by big white boxes full of Spawn spin-offs.

Wednesday, October 27, 1999

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 6:51 pm
Well, I meant to put up some nice pics of today's slice that were thoughtfully sent in by a reader, but unfortunately I don't have them here with me. So, I got some more oics, and I'll probably put up the others tomorrow. Enough jibba-jabba, here's resident MILF Cindy Crawford.

Busy -- Sharkey @ 5:50 pm
Heh, that's the newfound story of my life. This new job is sweet though, today one of my tasks was inspecting our host, and finding out everything about our account. Through luck (or that massive corporate takeover), my company's site is hosted in the same room as Badassmofo. I got a tour of the place, which was pretty fuckin' swank. I told our account rep to check out the mofo, so if Jason Elliot is reading, I'd like to welcome you to this freak show. And I was just reminded that I owe Mabs a couple of kidney punches, so if you'll excuse me....

PS, SotD is forthcoming, so hold your asses.

Milk: It does a body harm. -- Sharkey @ 11:46 am
At least 28 children collapsed and died in a remote Andean village in Peru, after being served insecticide-tainted milk at school. The children ranged from 5 to 15 years old, and were attending school in their rural village on Friday when they were given the tainted powdered milk.

Here comes the kicker kids: The milk had apparently been prepared in a pot that had earlier been used to mix insecticide for fumigating crops.

.....DAMMIT! WTF is going on in Peru?!? Lord knows I love to spray Raid all over my dinner and chow down. The sad part about this is, the people who committed this serious act of stupidity are still alive? Why, oh why is this world so cruel. TAKE THE TARDS, PLEASE!

Salon brings us... SEX -- Nick @ 11:45 am
From swallowing pig semen to shoplifting fake vaginas, Salon's Naughty Bits is a good read.

Before Sharkey adds a clause to the Rules to Live By banning the WB network, I would like to state that I am addicted to Dawson's Creek. I watch it religiously with my not-addicted girlfriend every Wednesday night at 8 and always talk about it at school the next day. There, I've confessed. My secret is out. Am I a wussy MoFo?

Sorry. No regrets. -- wrongforum @ 3:47 am
Somebody out there said I made fun of wrestling-watchers because I *might* have a third nipple, and that I am probably fat, which he concedes are things I would not like the kommunity to know, because it would hurt my feelings if somebody in the "e/n scene" posted mean things about me.

Well, I am fat. Go on, make fun of me, you juevenile asswipes! I'm a fat young man with a fat young plan! I chew cud bigger than you, little man!

Weird -- wrongforum @ 3:38 am
Man, Sharkey, that's odd. I just secured my position as the future web designer at my company tonite. Hmmmm, an odd coincidence. I better get it, since I had to stay at work until goddamn 4:00 A.M. in the mother fuckin morning!

Tuesday, October 26, 1999

Yep, again -- Sharkey @ 7:11 pm
Looks like my suspicions were correct, today I got my second promotion in as many weeks. While we haven't set pay, hours, etc. in stone, it looks like the job is mine. What is the new job, you ask? Well I'll give you a hint, its not pronounced web-hamster.

Sweeeeet...

Just me and my horsey... -- wrongforum @ 1:47 pm
I have long thought that if you wanted to be a ruff-n-tuff street thug, you had to knock over a coupla liquor stores so you could get that mad Fubu outfit in order to get street cred. Imagine my surprise when I went to the drug store and bought me a $.99 grey toboggan to get ready for the cold weather. I put that sucka on, and I become the most def and phat honky this side of the Mason-Dixon line. It doesn't matter if I'm wearing turquoise penny loafers - with that toboggan on, I'm as fly as a Canadian goose on crack in a birchbark canoe (birchbark is funny). Fuck Fubu. You ain't gettin' my cash, you filthy moneygrabbas.

Again? -- Sharkey @ 11:58 am
Two in as many weeks? Can that be possible? What am I even talking about? Were we talking about something? Exactly.

(Perhaps I will explain that post as more info becomes available.)

Oh my God, they killed Chewie! -- Sharkey @ 11:18 am
I know, I know, old story, but since all the controversy over the death of Chewbacca in R.A. Salvatore's Star Wars: Vector Prime he has received numerous death threats. Check it:

According to Del Rey editorial director Shelly Shapiro, Salvatore has received death threats since the book was released. “Some of it is pretty scary,” Shapiro says. “People are writing in and saying, ‘You killed Chewbacca. If I ever see you, I’m going to kill you.’”

Great taste, less filling -- Sharkey @ 11:04 am
Alright, everybody go kick it in the Rants Section, because the guys have really turned that mofo around. And be sure to check out Spooky's goodie of the day, it kicks much ass.

Whatever and ever -- wrongforum @ 9:19 am
Hey Bence, fruitbooty is a pretty funny word. However, I'm pretty sure people that watch WWF on a regular basis are the ones who will die as virgins. Can't let em breed now, can we?

Besides, we all know you like to stare at Chyna's ass. Naw, it's probably Stone Cold's you're really looking at.

Always controversial, always doug. -- Sharkey @ 12:18 am
Check out this post from Longview, a pretty cool site that Bence writes at:

Railway Killer - Sustin @ 11:01 pm PST
The railway killer strikes again, this time in new mexico. i hate doug so much. howd he last 2 months? what a pink, puffy shirted idiot

...We got BAMF A bunch of computer geeks who spend 1/2 their time oogling women they will never get, and talking about how much they wanna "Taste them like candy", even though I'm sure they'd rather be putting together a computer in the back of some storage room.

Monday, October 25, 1999

All good things must end -- wrongforum @ 11:38 pm
Well, E/N Day is almost over for you West Coasties, and what have we gained by all this? Well, I'll tell you what I got - I found about ten e/n sites that I had never heard of before all this shit began. I never realized how many sites were out there, doing their own thing, and living it up. Congrats to all those that keep the hope alive, whatever that is. Actually, it's probably not hope, which has a much nicer smell than a coupla sites I went to. And I met a new friend in Ezis, who posts some funky shit. I'd like to see somebody over here mention a "birchbark canoe" with a straight face, even in a rant.

Actually, the only reason I got to see all this stuff was because I've been sitting in my room all day, sick with some bad lungs. And I looked around enough to learn that the boys over at Paranoia came up with this whole idea in the first place, so everybody give em props.

I've been doing graphics and shit all day, and I'm sick of being awake. Of course, I'll be sick tommorrow, too, so you may hear a lot from me then.

BTW... -- Sharkey @ 11:22 pm
I assume everyone heard about the base jumpers in Yosemite the other day? What? You didn't? Well here you go:

A 60-year-old woman protesting restrictions on dangerous parachute jumping at Yosemite National Park plunged to her death from El Capitan peak Friday when her parachute failed to open, officials said.

Look at the time... -- Sharkey @ 11:15 pm
Geez, just a few minutes ago it was 7:00, now it's 11:10. Time sure flies when you're setting up a machine. BTW, I'm posting from my new machine here (apparently), and it is quite sweet. And btw, we got enough requests for the license plate frames so that we can get them for everyone, not just the staff. In case you missed the bandwagon, hurry the Hell up. I'll have an estimate on group rates tomorrow. Oh, and happy E/N day.

Joke -- Schmerz @ 8:32 pm
Finally, a clean(ish) joke that you can tell your family and not get your ass kicked for it:

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head."

Hard-workin' crew -- Sharkey @ 5:10 pm
Wow, the BAMF crew is working harder than ever. Check out this bitchin' banner that your ol' buddy wrongforum whipped up:

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 4:27 pm
Yesterday Mox brought up the fact that we've never had a Chocolate Silk SotD, so I figured now's as good a time as any. So here's our resident chocolate silk slice, lovely, lovely Tyra.

Retraction -- wrongforum @ 4:21 pm
Hey, there is an e/n site out there with the "k" sound, and it fits with my theory - Moment of Clarity. Ezis is a great guy, albeit a crazy monkey kind of great. He should hook me up with Nagem too bad, she's already taken.

So go on and visit the man. He's got the fucking k sound in his name!

Sweeeet -- Sharkey @ 2:30 pm
Got a package in the mail today from our world-hoppin', stuck-in-the-military buddy Wags. Wags is currently in Germany (I'm pretty sure), and is enjoying the mass amounts of nudity on public television. He sent me Jack Daniel's paraphernalia, and one big-ass beer stein from the Oktoberfest in Germany. Too bad Wags is still without 'Net access. But if by some chance you come across this buddy, you rule. On that note, I'd like to thank everybody who wished me a happy birthday, and also thank all my homies (I'm hideously white) who helped it kick-ass this year. In return I think I'll bring up a super-sweet SotD.

Show your pride baby. -- Sharkey @ 6:08 am
OK, later today I will be calling the place where my Badassmofo.com license plate came from, and getting an estimate on plates for the staff. And since I got a few requests, the offer is extended to you all as well. The ones for you guys will say "Got Pie?" along the top, and www.badassmofo.com along the bottom. Drop me an e-mail if you're interested, and if enough of you respond we'll go ahead and have them done. I'll let everyone know what the cost is and whatnot when I find out.

Re: Bad ideas? -- Sharkey @ 5:57 am
Got home from playing a massive 007-fest with Mabs, Haus and our homies, and I get this message concerning last night's Bad Ideas? post:

The worst idea was hiring doug. -- Mitch

Sunday, October 24, 1999

Bad ideas? -- Sharkey @ 10:55 pm
Was cruisin' around over at Rooshyness, and found this gem. Seems MSNBC is having a web-based survey on what the worst idea of the millenium is. Hmmm...lemme think about this for a sec....

OK, I got it. How about having an "end of the millenium survey" one year early? I mean, what if next year the US goes and nukes the bejeezus out of Quebec and says nothing in our defense but "oops". Oh, wait, they said worst ideas, not swankest. Ok, howsabout NBC selling their souls to Microsoft? Nah, too easy. What about letting Joel Schumacher live after the Batman flicks he did? Hmm...not stupid enough. How 'bout that angry flock of trees viciously killing Sonny instead of Cher? What a fuck-up that was eh? But still, not enough oomph. Macarena? Ugh, don't even want to think about it. Clinton? Gettin' warmer. Whoa, whoa, wait, I've got it. Two words baby: Gap ads. I think I've said my piece, I'm audi.

Re: E/N Day -- wrongforum @ 10:05 pm
If everybody didn't know already, Brain Damage is accepting posts for their main page by their readers in honor of "e/n day". So go on, krazy kids, and submit, and you too can be heard by billions upon trillions of readers.

OK, don't go anywhere. A friend of mine has a theory on what makes something funny. He says that the "k" sound in words is what makes them hilarious. I was skeptical at first, but I tried it out:

Toad = not funny.
Monkey = funny.

Messed up = not funny.
Fucked up = funny.

Mork = funny.
Mindy = hot, but not funny.

I think it holds up under most situations, except on overkill, such as KKK, which is most definitely not funny. I also noticed that no "e/n" sites have a "k" sound in their name. Interesting....

Anyway, to the point. I think "e/n community" is pretty funny, because of the "k" sound. I think it would be funnier if it was "e/n kommunity", to show that we don't take ourselves that seriously.

Wait. What the hell! I just spent a whole post talking about the letter "k"?! Man, this sickness is starting to affekt my mind. The doktor said I had akute bronkitis.

Heh. You know that last line is funny.

E/N Day? -- Sharkey @ 2:00 pm
It started over at Paranoia, and is now big over at Brain Damage. I'm talking about E/N Day. Now, it kinda sucks to be shoehorned into categories, but dammit, everything/nothing really suits this kinda site. I mean, we cover everything, yet we cover nothing. We're the oxymoron of the Web. Seriously, we cover the broadest amount of topics on the planet. We've got gaming, rants, movies, music, world news, local news, articles on tards, and pretty soon book reviews (almost forgot pie, thanks Rosteck). If you don't want to be part of this little "community", don't go asking for links from members of it. I hate whiners. Hey, look, a rant in the middle of a post. I guess we're E/N. On a related note, I'm gonna play some Unreal Tourney.

Family Values '99 -- Sharkey @ 1:03 pm
Ba-DAM, that was a good show. Went with all Badassmofo staffers, Bud, Billy Ray, and Finn. We showed up about 15 minutes into Staind's set, and from what we saw of it they were pretty good. They played their song "Mudshovel" to finish off the set.

Then Primus came out, and man am I glad I got to see them. They played "Jerry was a race car driver" and "Wynona's big brown beaver" which were bitchin' live. Wish they'd played "Tommy the cat" though, I always liked that song.

Next up were Method Man & Red Man, who were damn good at getting the crowd riled up. And they were the only group asking the crowd to flash the whole night. They kept leaping into the crowd throughout their set, then getting back onstage and finishing up.

Next up was Filter, who put on kind of a gay show, real weak sauce IMHO. They finished up with "Take a picture" and "Hey man nice shot", which kinda redeemed the rest of the set.

Finally, Limp Bizkit came onstage and the crowd went fuckin' agro. Pauly Shore was wandering around throughout their set, which was pretty funny. They played "Just like this", "Break stuff", "9 teen 90 nine", "Show me what you got", and "Stuck" which they cut off at the end dammit. Then Sam the bass player went wandering off somewhere, and while Fred went after him they played some of Metallica's "Master of puppets", which kicked mammoth amounts of ass. Then they came back out, and played House of Pain's "Jump around", and they brought out Everlast for it which ruled. Then they finished up with "Faith", "N 2 gether now" with Method Man, and then they played "Nookie". I gotta say this was a fucking awesome show, and I'm damn glad I got to go. I gotta give thanks to my buds for giving me the ticket. You guys rule.

New AltaVista -- Nick @ 11:30 am
AltaVista has a whole new look. It's too flashy and I don't like that logo in the top left.

I'm not making this up- Last night I got angry at a candle (I don't remember why) and blew it out as hard as I could. Well, the wax splattered back and completely covered my face. It didn't hurt, and I was just like, "Look at me everyone, I'm crazy wax face man!" I washed it off after a minute, wish I could have gotten a picture. I looked like a freak.

Well lookee here -- wrongforum @ 8:29 am
You better give props to the man Spooky, who has spent all of his spare time to make the Rants section funny as hell. Damn, that's a lot of work you put into that Bloodhound Gang post. You're making me look bad : )

Back. -- Sharkey @ 1:24 am
Back from Family Values 99, and it was one kickass show. But my ears are still ringing, so you'll have to wait until the morning for the report and whatnot. But before I go, a few things. First, no e-mails while I was gone? What's up with that? You guys got carpal tunnel or something? Secondly, there's new reviews and a new reviewing system in the gaming section, so go have a look-see. Thirdly, I'm going to bed. See you all in the morning, drive safely.

Saturday, October 23, 1999

Egad! -- wrongforum @ 9:25 pm
Well, the evil empire is taking control again. Seems Intel is putting out 700Mhz Pentium III's, starting Monday, which puts them as the fastest processors available anywhere. And it runs cool enough to be put in a laptop. That's 250Mhz more than the highest end G4 that's out now.

**Someone's falling behind in the speed race***

Random quote of the day -- Mr Mabs @ 3:05 pm
"Anger is a gift."

Apathy rules -- Sharkey @ 1:57 pm
My mother got me a Badassmofo.com license plate frame. Kick-ass, even more kickass that without Internet access she has no idea what's here. I was going to see how much it would be for me to get one, and possibly the whole staff, but I've been way too lazy to actually go do it. Sweet, now everyone on the road will know to ph34r the m0f0.

New Identity Week -- Nick @ 9:27 am
Monday I'm pushing a new idea to the student council at my high school. Fuck spirit week, I say let's have "New Identity Week." Everyone takes up a fresh and totally different persona for five days, completely dressing and acting like it. Jocks become nerds, punks become jocks, cheerleaders go goth, etc. Maybe it would only be cool for the first day, but it would still be a hell of a lot better than the "Camo Day" we have now.

Knott's Baby -- Sharkey @ 3:08 am
Just got back from Knott's Halloween Haunt, and this year was way better than last year. I am so friggin' beat. Went with Shaggy and Frank, (who sometimes contribute news that you see hmya) along with Mox and his occasionally doppelganger-like sister Lisa (Mox makes a fine lookin' woman). The damn Supreme Scream ride was down, which sucked. But the mazes and other rides were all good. We went on Bigfoot Rapids and I got the least wet out of everyone (like always). All in all it was one of the best Halloween Haunts I've ever been to. Now I gots to get some sleep, tomorrow I'm celebrating the ol' birthday and then heading off with Bud & Billy Ray to Family Values. Boo-Yah baby.

Stay away, little man -- wrongforum @ 1:42 am
I've got news for you little boys out there with burning loins. You better leave my little sister alone, or I'll fuck you up, plain and simple. She's not even 18 yet, so you haven't even got a chance, you little pricks. As if you would have a chance is she were legal.

So my sister came up to Clarks Vegas recently to visit me. We got to an event to hang out with some of my and her friends. So she goes around a corner to talk to one of her gals, and a guy my age (22) comes over and says, "You never told us you had a hot sister! She's a cutie." To which I reply, " Your ass is grass, fool. That comment carries a punishment of me drop-kicking your testicles into a neighboring county. Bottoms up, bitch!"

If I'm in the car with her, guys just hoot and holler at her while we're driving down the road. God damn! When did guys become such overt assholes? I mean, it's one thing to ogle over a girl, but these pucks act like they're shooting off in their shorts, weaving all over the road and shit. Don't they know I've got a Louisville Slugger in the trunk with their names on it?

What it all comes down to, my friends, is that you've got to have a little class before you'll even have a chance. Put a belt on. Tuck at least the front of your shirt in. Put away your crack pipe for a coupla minutes. And brush your teeth for once, you dirty little frosh.

Assorted crap -- wrongforum @ 1:18 am
Uh, oh. The weekend is not looking good. Seems I'm in the midst of catching a cold bug. You wanna know why I think I'm getting sick? Well, I usually get up in the morning around 9-10 a.m. on Fridays, but I slept in until 3:30 p.m. Oh, and my throat feels like I swallowed a belt sander. And I was hoping to go see Fight Club again, dammit. And on top of that, my ISP is denying my ftp access to my web space for some reason.

Not to worry, you ungrateful pack of weasels. I've got a coupla music reviews up my sleeve, which wouldn't be possible without the formidable resources of one Mr. Biznich. Thanks for the music, pal, and I owe you one.

And let me be the first to wish Sharkey a happy birthday, before he gets offed by that drunk driver from New Mexico.

Friday, October 22, 1999

Science lesson -- Sharkey @ 5:07 pm
Ok everybody, I'm going to disprove the theory of Natural Selection. How, you ask? Read.

A man sentenced to prison at least twice for drunken driving was taken into custody again - his 21st arrest on a DWI charge. Joe Leonard Rael, 45, was arrested one more time. He was freed after posting a $750 bond. ''I don't know when this guy's luck is going to run out and he's going to kill somebody - that's the scary part,'' police Lt. Raye Byford said. Rael, 45, was sentenced to 18 months in prison - the maximum - in 1997 after pleading guilty to his 20th DWI charge. Byford said Rael serves as an example of New Mexico's need for stiffer penalties against drunken drivers. At the time of Rael's 1997 conviction, prosecutors said that a state Supreme Court decision allowing habitual offenders to receive longer sentences doesn't apply to felony convictions under the state's drunken driving law.

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 3:40 pm
Alright everyone, out out out! I want to be alone with today's slice, Christy Turlington.

Mmmmm....

Oral bowel movement -- Sharkey @ 3:19 pm
Have you people been checking on The Rants? I didn't think so. Shame on you, its been kicking mucho ass lately.

"Hey you! Hacker! Suck my dick!" -- wrongforum @ 2:37 pm
If you've ever used a computer (how else would you be reading this? On your Palm? Ha!), then you've probably heard of the infamous Cult of the Dead Cow. They are the the group of hackers responsible for the devilishly evil fun that is Back Orifice, and they already have one for Win2K running. Anyway, they are a bunch of hilarious sociopaths bent on world domination by way of a massive ninja army (no joke). There is a really funny interview with them over on Slashdot. It's really long, so pack a lunch.

Fireside chat -- Sharkey @ 12:21 pm
Alright everyone, gather 'round, its time we had a little chat. Everyone comfortable? Good. Now, as I'm sure you all know, I pay for Badassmofo out of my pocket, and have since we started this circus sideshow in February. I don't even want to calculate what its cost me, its all been worth it in my opinion. But the fact of the matter is, we're growing. By next month we'll need to move up a rung in the server plan, which means it'll cost me more money to keep us going. Bottom line: We're getting advertising. Ahhh, don't gimme any of that whining, I think it's perfectly fair to put it up. I don't want to make money off Badassmofo, that's not my intent. But I don't want to pay an arm and a leg to keep it running. So there's going to be a banner right above ^ hmya. If you could click on it once a day, or whenever you can, I would personally appreciate it. Unfortunately I doubt there will be porn banners, I know we were all hoping for it, but I doubt it'll happen. If you've got any questions, comments, or whatnot I'll be on the crapper.

Battle Chasers the movie? -- Sharkey @ 10:26 am
Dig this baby:

Joe Madureira, creator of Battle Chasers, has formed Beyond Entertainment, a company aimed at developing and licensing the comic and others. He is working on a Battle Chasers video game and a movie script is reportedly circulating.

Awake -- Sharkey @ 10:21 am
Its way too early for me to be awake, yet for some reason my body decided to drag me out of bed at 9:45, only 4.5 hours after I went to sleep. My body is a dumbass.

Thursday, October 21, 1999

I hate all you high-speed people. -- wrongforum @ 10:25 pm
Thanks to all those e-mails, especially Cheap over at Roosh, for letting me know that I know nothing. Hey, if I had a cable modem, I'd be a mp3 hound, too. And my mac still won't load Roosh, dammit. It used to, and not too long ago. Been screwing with the code?

And Sharkey, I am proud to say that I have not received one piece of hate mail yet. Even doug, er, Complication, was nice and civil. Must be my wavy hair.

Startling realization -- Sharkey @ 8:00 pm
I was just sitting here thinking, and I realized that I haven't received any hate mail about any of our new writers. I mean, when doug and Lucky and Saigon John were on the main page, I got so much shit. Does this mean that you guys *gasp* like the new writers? Or maybe for once you listened when I said not to send me mail meant for them? Which is it, I'm actually kinda curious.

Sweeeet -- Sharkey @ 7:05 pm
Today I got no sleep, cut my hand open, couldn't get any work done, I got stuck driving behind every idiot that was ever granted a license, and I couldn't find a place with a rental copy of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater for Playstation. And now, I'm at work, just another shite day to add to the collection. You'd think I'd be a bit bitter, but I'm not. I'm actually quite stoked at the moment. Tomorrow I'll be gettin' sloshed and going with friends to Knott's Halloween Haunt, an annual traidition for me. Then on Saturday (my birthday) I'm going with Bud and Billy Ray to Family Values Tour. Kick-Ass. Still, that game would've made it a damn fine day. Well, that or my wife Katie Holmes in my lap, either way. The day ain't over yet.

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 4:45 pm
Its been awhile since we've had a Key Lime SotD, so today I bring you Fiona Apple

More new music -- wrongforum @ 10:15 am
Damn! I missed some of the other sweet morsels yesterday that are on their way. More upcoming titles that sure you guys will like. Sorry I missed these.

November 16 - Beck's "Midnight Vultures" and Korn's "Issues" (yeah, you read that correctly. "Follow the Leader" came out not too long ago, I thought...)

November 23 - Beastie Boys' "The Sounds Of Science" (deja vu with the Korn cd. This is an anthology of hits and b-sides, along with some other assorted shit)

Family sells Son online -- Sharkey @ 3:20 am
Uhmm...uh...dammit, words just fail me right now. Read this and come back in a sec, I need a moment to myself here....

....

.....Done? Ok, I've got just one thing to say to this: Let them. "Lice-ridden" and "cockroach-infested" are two phrases that should not be adjectives describing your living situation. Let the parents sell the kid, he'd be better off living with the damn French than in that Hellhole. Thanks to Spooky for this one.

Wednesday, October 20, 1999

I am the man -- Sharkey @ 9:27 pm
Man, I was fixin' problems left and right today. I took a piece of shit, unfixable, waste of metal NT box and turned it into a lean, mean, ass-kicking machine. Whoever had it before corrupted the kernel, and a couple of boot files, deleted half the drivers, and killed the floppy drive. In an hour I had that mofo runnin' like it was brand new. Sorry if all that bores you, but I kicked some serious ass on that thing. Especially considering that after the power casing slipped and cut my hand I dropped kicked that sonuvabitch across the room.

Ebonics -- Schmerz @ 9:05 pm
The English to Ebonics translator. The only thing funnier than a Mongolian Monkey.

New music -- wrongforum @ 8:41 pm
Seems that some great music is coming out in the next few weeks. Some of these releases are albums I've been salivating for.

October 19 - DJ Spooky's "Subliminal Method" and Primus' "Anti Pop" (featuring Tom Waits, that crazy spider-eating weirdo from Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula)

October 26 - Stone Temple Pilots' "No. 4" and Rob Zombie's "American Made Music to Strip By" (which is remixes of music from his last album, "Hellbilly Deluxe")

Nov. 2 - The Roots' "Come Alive". Nuff' said.

The album I know everybody around here should be really excited about is the new Rage Against the Machine. We've just started hearing their new single "Guerilla Radio", which kicks serious ass. I don't know if it has already been released, or if it is some time off. Drop me a line if you know. I gots to have it.
***Update: RATM's "Battle for Los Angeles" hits the shelves November 2. Thanks to Robert for the info. Get your 15 bucks together now, little chilluns.

Don't visit this link ever -- wrongforum @ 7:44 pm
Ok, what a liar I be. I am constantly amazed at how fucked up this world is everytime I visit the Stile Project. It’s that dirty site that I can’t stop visiting everyday, and I am usually left without breath because of my laughing. Hey, you would be speechless, too, if you saw that flaming fart woman. 18 and older, please.

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 3:35 pm
Today's slice is another request, and a former SotD, Angelina Jolie:

Now I'm upset. -- Sharkey @ 12:37 pm
OK, I go check on the news just now, and I catch this little news brief:

Queen Amidala Steps In It

Natalie Portman, Phantom Menace’s Queen Amidala, recently lost her royal cool when she stepped in dog ‘do while on her way to college classes.

"It got all over my shoes and really freaked me out," she told TV Guide Online. "So I got back to the dorm and just left my shoes on the front steps. I didn't care if they got stolen."

Apparently, there wasn’t anything she could do with the shoes after that. "I came back and my roommate had seen the shoes sitting there and put them in my room. I'm like, 'Oh no, what am I going to do?' So I called my mom. She said, 'If you've got dog poop on your shoes, just wipe it off.' I couldn't do it. So I went home for the weekend and took the shoes, still covered with dog poop wrapped in about 20 paper bags. I'm sure you can guess who cleaned off the dog poop."

Crap -- Sharkey @ 12:29 pm
I hate it when I oversleep. I was supposed to be up an hour and a half ago.

*Whew* -- Sharkey @ 3:36 am
I got a few gaming reviews to put up tomorrow, but I thought I'd warn you guys about an extra-special stinker that I rented yesterday. Its called Soul of the Samurai, and it blows more than a Bejing crack-whore. If you come across this rank pile of feces, do yourself a favor and run like a bitch. You'll thank me later.

Bunch of Lateral Thinking Questions -- Schmerz @ 2:11 am
These lateral thinking questions are cool. They're finally teaching something useful at school. Highlight the black text in between the - lines to find the answer.

If a butcher is 5 foot 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?

--------------------------------
He weighs meat.
--------------------------------

A bunch of men were found dead in a cabin on the hill side. There was no sign of struggle and they were not murdered. How could this be?

--------------------------------
It was a plane cabin and it had crashed in the hill side.
--------------------------------

A peacock lays an egg and the wind is blowing south, in which direction will it roll if it is pushed down a hill facing north?

--------------------------------
Peacocks don't lay eggs. Peahens do.
--------------------------------

Two chess grandmasters both managed to get the same number of wins and losses, however, they didn't draw any of their games. How could this be?

--------------------------------
They weren't playing against each other.
--------------------------------

In a baseball game, the score was 38 - 10, but no man ran home. How could this be?

--------------------------------
It was a womens' game.
--------------------------------

How many animals of each species did Moses take on his ark?

--------------------------------
None. It was Noah who built the ark.
--------------------------------

Jokes -- Schmerz @ 2:03 am
What do you call a 16 year old Canadian with a spade in his head?
Doug.

Har har.

What do you do if an elephant comes in your window?
Swim for your life.

Har har.

Notice my astounding ability to laugh at my own jokes.

Pie -- Schmerz @ 12:19 am
I finally got to watch American Pie. Man that is an awesome movie.

Most of you have probably already seen it before, but I'm living in New Zealand we get everything so damn late. :(

I'm just sitting here thinking, "Man, I wish I was living in the US..." but then I'm like "Oh well, at least my classmates don't shoot me up with M16s and pipe bombs."

Tuesday, October 19, 1999

Solo's call for help -- Sharkey @ 9:03 pm
Check this out Solo, Mox showed me the way with this one: Get a box of Tylonol Cold and Sinus, a bottle of Aleve, and a box of those lozenges that numb your mouth and throat (not cough drops, the shit that numbs dammit!) Then what you do is take 2 Tylonol things, 2 Aleves, and suck on those throat numbing lozenges. After 10 minutes the pain is gone, and you're good for like 5-6 hours. When the pain comes back, repeat the process. Oh, and remember to drink lots of OJ/fluids/etc. Cripes, I feel like my Mother.

When I had a sore throat a week ago, I took those cheap-ass no-name NyQuil ripoff pills, and they made me hallucinate. They always do, I don't know why, real NyQuil never does. I took two before going to sleep and had vivid, violent dreams, then I woke up across the room on the floor. Crazy shit. But I woke up feeling like I'd had a good nights sleep, even with only 4 hours, so they were worth it.

Startling revelation -- Sharkey @ 6:53 pm
Is this one of the only sites around that uses frames? Seriously, I was going through the links over hmya --> and I noticed that nobody else uses frames. I know a bunch of you will say its because frames suck, and I will tell you to kindly shut your fuckin' yaps. I actually did change the layout one time back in March (I think), and it had no frames. Of course, it sucked so I changed it back the next day. Maybe its time for a new layout, hmmm?

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 4:47 pm
Today's slice was requested so many times in the last few days, I thought I'd do something special for the occasion, but we'll get to that in a minute. Here's Liz Hurley:

Hi, I'm Liz and this is my cleavage.

Damn Cows -- Schmerz @ 4:00 pm
I haven't been updating lately much lately for two reasons:

1) School has fucked me up. The bastards are actually trying to educate me.
2) I went down to Dargaville a few days ago to play in this representative rugby match. I doubt any of you would care who won so I ain't saying. :)

On the long trip to Dargaville and back, I have discovered that New Zealand cows may be homosexual. I mean, you drive past a bunch of those fat bastards, and you open up the window and yell out "Hey bitch ass cows! Look up if you're gay!" and the whole fuckin paddock looks up at you. They actually turn their heads and watch you as you drive away.

Gay cows. Bitchin'.

A web coup? -- Sharkey @ 3:30 pm
Looks like Regbarc of Ramblings has taken control of the site, and locked G and Juseck out. Sucks for them, we'll have to wait and see how this plays out. And Juseck, I did a search for that Mari (wrote down the name before G changed it) chick and "grease" and got like 500 matches. You want to narrow it down a bit?

Bathroom warfare -- Sharkey @ 3:19 pm
I'm sitting on the can the other day, and I notice a plethora of ants crawling around the corner of the bathroom. They all came from a crack behind the carpet, which is where I imagine there colony was stationed. Now, let me give you a little background info. Ants love me, and by that I mean they'd love to eat me. The little bastards always bite me, and nobody else in the house, ever since I was a little kid. One day I went to school and all of the sudden a few hundred bites popoped up out of nowhere, enough bites to make me physically sick. So you can see that I have quite a score to settle with the little sons of bitches.

Now, normally people would run and grab the can of Raid, but that's not always effective in my case. I decided to be a tad more sadistic in ridding my home of these pests. I used my thumb. I probably squished a good 50 ants in a few minutes, and I let only one live, to go back and tell the rest. I sat and watched, and within a minute, reinforcements arrived. Another huge herd of ants just waiting to be slaughtered. I let them look around the bodies of their dead comrades for a minute, and then I struck. Another 40 or so taken out by the thumb. And again, I let just one live. A few minutes later, only one ant came back out. After looking around at his buddies, I dropped my thumb right in front of his face, letting him smell his dead comrades on my finger, and he scurried away. This is how I knew victory had been acheived, any other time the bastard would have hopped up on my thumb and bitten me. That'll teach those sons of whores to set up shop around my shitter. Don't be messin' with the holiest of territories.

Eeeep -- wrongforum @ 2:36 pm
Ooo. Sorry about that post last night. There was most definitely some crazy shit in the air, and I'm about to report it to the building people. It took like another two hours to get back in my right mind after that post, and I'm having short-term memory loss. And I saw a chupacabra in my closet.

I know Sharkey loves his Godzilla. Robosaurus is just a preview to this meyhem. Power up your Realplayer and take a look at this: Shitzilla vs. Godzilla! This clip is compliments of The Sync.

HULK SMASH! -- Sharkey @ 1:24 pm
I'm not sure exactly why, but for some reason this pleases me. Found on Camworld.

New anime reviews -- Sharkey @ 5:35 am
New anime reviews are up, go have yourself a look. On top of that, I instituted a new rating system for the anime flicks. I was quite dissapointed with my lack of progress in the anime section, since I watch so many anime movies. I still have like 30 reviews to go, but at least I'm getting there. I just noticed that its 5:40 in the morning, so I'm going to get some sleep. Adios.

Monday, October 18, 1999

....? -- wrongforum @ 9:17 pm
What is going on? Some bad shit is leaking in one of my classrooms, and I'm now completely intoxicated on something. I feel like shit, and I've become a little paranoid. And my face feels warm. And I can't complete a thought very well. Somebody was using something mixed with something to make a bad something. Bad. This post won't make sense tomorrow. I think I'm fucked up. I've never been high before, and if it's like this, then I would never want to do that. i'm not feeling right. And what's up with that rants page. Is nobody mad anymore?

Oooo...Kay. I quote Ghostbusters now: "Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon." I don't think you're stoned buddy, I do know that drunkedness can cause that warm-faced feeling, but that's a good feeling. Why don't you take some aspirin and go to bed. --Sharkey

When I go drivin', I stay in my la-ANE! -- Sharkey @ 7:55 pm
So I'm on my way to work just an hour ago, and there's this bitch in a Mercedes right in front of me driving 45 in a 55. When we get to the stoplight, I can see that her lights are on inside the car, she's fumbling through folders and papers, and talking on a cell-phone. Shit, I gotta get around this chick. As the light turns green, she starts to speed up, so I follow suit. Then she starts flailing about through the lane, swerving left and right, slowing down and speeding up. All this time, shes preventing me from moving left or right, so I'm trapped. This is when the fiendish portion of my brain kicks in. I put my foot just above the brake pedal, speed up to her tail, and honk my horn. She slams on the brakes, swerving left and right, and almost hits the curb. Meanwhile I get my chance and swerve left and get out of harm's way. Thankfully with her lights on I was able to catch a glimpse of the terror on her face. I think she learned a valuable lesson today, and not just the "don't screw with me" lesson. She learned that cell-phones + driving = on-the-road stupidity.

Neighborhood watch actually works? -- Sharkey @ 3:02 pm
Check it out, the world's worst burglar is also the worlds biggest puss:

A man who broke into an empty house met unexpected resistance when a posse of 30 neighbors - mostly women and children - held him back until police came to rescue him. "It's good to have good neighbors," said 75-year-old Joseph Webb, who was at church with his wife Sunday when the man punched in a window to gain entry into the house. When the man grabbed a knife to threaten his way out, a small band of stick-wielding children stopped him at the front door, police said. The would-be burglar was arrested.

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 2:13 pm
As per G's request, today's slice is Claire Danes:

Linkage -- Sharkey @ 12:16 pm
Over the weekend I checked out DTheater.com. Its a cool site and is updated often, so it goes in the link bar. Go have a look.

1100MHz Intel to launch in December -- Sharkey @ 12:14 pm
Looks like AMD has ruffled Intel's feathers just a bit. They know that the Coppermine won't cut it against AMD's next generation of processors. So what do they do? They've moved their next project, Willamette, up 9 months early. The 0.18 micron processor was intended to be released in Fall of next year, at 1100MHz with more than 1MB integrated level 2 cache. You can read more about it in this Register article. This only solidifies my theory on Intel chips to me. I asked an Intel bigwig I met on a plane when the P2s were just coming out if they really had all the way up to P5 done, and were just milking the market. He just told me that they had some amazing stuff coming. Well, he obviously wasnt talking about the P3, or the Coppermine.

Sunday, October 17, 1999

The conspiracy thickens...like gravy -- wrongforum @ 11:56 pm
I've seen that same band of howlers here! Except they cross-bred with the possum (apparently there is no good lovin' for howlers', contrary to popular notions). Now there's a new species running amok in Tennessee, and it's your worst nightmare. You drop kick one of these rabid monkey-possums, and they play like you killed 'em. But the minute you turn your back to walk home with that content smirk on your face, those bitch-ass psycho marsupials will conjure up the fuck-up demon on your ass. I saw one at the county fair, fighting with a chupacabra cross-bred with a miniature pony. The problem is, those guys cross-bred, so now there is this hulking primate-possum-pony-alien terrorizing the townsfolk of every town in Tennessee. So run, foolish mortals! Run to the fields and hide!

Reader Mail -- Sharkey @ 11:28 pm
Alright everyone, gather 'round. Its time for me to sit down by the fire with a cup of hot Cocoa, reach into the ol' mailbag, and read some mail. Today's e-mail comes to us from our pal Poppagorgio:

As a long time chum of Mr. Mabs. I believe the story of the howler monkeys is a fake. Mr. Mabs is a "healthy" ( and i use that lightly ) man. A man with the ability of taking over a herd of rabid howler monkeys. I have seen him many a time defend him against the dangerous howler monkeys which stalk the streets of Irvine late at night.

As a fellow conspiracy theorist, ( how do you explain the fact that Gary Coleman, that lovable little bastard just starts getting his little life together, for example his Kid Rock stint and his future as a badassmofo and they were even talking about a reunion show but they figured it would be unlikely with mostly dead or in prison cast members. Then he stumbles down. Don't worry, it wasn't that far down.) Some force is behind this. We may never know. Anyway, I believe the monkeys are a conspiracy to hide the fact that Mabs and his mind have been taking over by a controlling force, you might say "big brother" or a Newport City based low paying mind altering cult. As a drone of that cult too, I must admit it is a laid back cult if you sit properly on the totem pole. My point (if I have one ) , is that I notice the absence of Mr. Mabs from the site. Mabs is a Badassmofo and a Badassmofo can handle some "howler monkeys." Mabs must jump back in his saddle and slap that ponies ass back into a little town I like to call badassmofo.com. I am now done with my little so called rant.

I am,
   Poppagorgio

Alaska for sale -- Sharkey @ 5:04 pm
Boy, who'd want Alaska? For one thing, its f'ing cold there. Secondly, the men outnumber the women 4 to 1, or some obscene amount. Thirdly, igloos. I mean, it sounds cool at first, but I bet you get pretty bored staring at those same four, wait, that one continuous white wall. Heh, went off on a tangeant there, here's the story:

It's a developer's dream: Huge tracts of land, dirt cheap. But no one took the bait when the state of Alaska was put up for sale for $3 on eBay. Zachary Wilson, a student at State University of New York-Buffalo, jokingly said he had hoped to trigger a massive bidding war between Russia and China that would pay for his education. Even a picture of Gov. Tony Knowles posted on the Internet auction site didn't spark interest. ''Three dollars struck me as a little bit low as a starting bid,'' said Bob King, the governor's press secretary, ''since we originally paid $7.2 million for the state.'' As soon as eBay officials heard about the listing, it was going, going, gone.

Shaddap! I'm tryin' to watch the GAME! -- Sharkey @ 4:55 pm
Damn, some people take football seriously, and then there's this guy:

A man has admitted to using a slingshot to knock a barn owl from a tree and then beating it with a board because its screeching was disturbing Monday Night Football. Alan Rondi, 42, pleaded guilty Wednesday to misdemeanor charges of cruelty to an animal and removing a bird of prey from its habitat. He was ordered to complete 100 hours of community service at an animal shelter and to pay a $10,000 fine, according to the Alameda County district attorney's office. Rondi was arrested after a neighbor reported seeing him. The injured bird was treated at Lindsay Wildlife Museum in nearby Walnut Creek.

Are you Serious? -- Captain Terror @ 3:13 pm
Well Capsters, it was bound to happen. Thats right, the Big C.T. has received his first hate mail. Read on:

Dude, if you can't fart in the fucking BATHROOM for crying out loud, where CAN you fart? What, do you want people to go wait in line for a STALL so they can shut the "door" behind them and neatly drop trou around their ankles and sit on a toilet to FART? You're gonna be smelling their ass either way if you're in there taking a leak anyway...There are far, far worse things to complain about (like slow fucking people in shopping malls and department stores, for instance) than people farting IN THE BATHROOM. -- jimbo@jimbosworld.org

Who knew bathroom humor could excite such feelings from an individual. But its Jimbos world, we just live in it.

Bad news -- Sharkey @ 12:22 am
Looks like Mabs is in the hospital again. We were just standing around outside after he posted, Mabs was having a cigarette, and we're just shootin' the shit. All of the sudden a wild pack of rabid howler monkeys jumped out of nowhere and savagely mauled Mabs. I managed to beat the monkeys away with a rolled up newspaper and a lawn chair, but Mabs had sustained massive injuries. He's in the hospital right now, but the doctors say that he should come out of the coma soon. Obviously we're not letting Mox anywhere near his room. I know he doesn't swing that way, but you can't be too careful with Mox and people in comas. Remember Frus?

Saturday, October 16, 1999

BadAss Rule of the day -- wrongforum @ 11:55 pm
Alright kiddies, gather round. It is time to have a lesson in badassness. Specifically, what is not badass. So here is the BadAss Rule of the day:

Bad ass mofos do not spend their nights in goddamn shopping malls. They also do not spend their nights sitting, standing, or walking in the goddamn parking lot of goddamn shopping malls, goddammit.

Headlines -- Mr Mabs @ 11:33 pm
Here's a few news clippings for you

Faulty vasectomy explains zoo births
The mystery in the monkey house has finally been solved: 3 unexplained chimp births at the LA Zoo were blamed on a vasectomy that didn't work.

Desert plane stunt put off till spring
A TV production company's plan to rig a jet with explosives and slam it into the Mojave Desert moments after the pilot and crew bail out has been postponed. The proposed stunt will be used in Fox's "Jumbo Jet Crash: The Ultimate Safety Test".

Apology for Duran Duran -- Mr Mabs @ 11:17 pm
Members of Duran Duran on Friday accepted "substantial" damages and an apology to drop a libel action against the Sun tabloid over claims that they had paid people about $50 each to pose as fans. Seen Duran Duran recently? You'd have to pay me much more than 50 bucks to see one of their concerts.

What's That Smell? -- Captain Terror @ 11:16 pm
I just have one question. What makes you think that just because you are pissing next to me at a trough in the mens bathroom that you can just blow out a huge fart? I mean where else in the world can you do that and get away with it? I don't know you, and I don't want to talk to you. And above all else, the last thing I want to do is smell your bodily gas. Have some fricken class. Who the hell invented troughs in the mens bathroom anyway? Probably some woman. Could you imagine if they had one in the womans bathroom? Just one long toilet seat that stretches all the way along the back wall with all the women sitting side by side. "Oh, excuse me while I change my pad". So, think about it the next time you go to tear one off next to someone during halftime of the next game you go to. Lets make the world a better ...place.........to........urinate?

On the lam... -- Sharkey @ 9:45 pm
Well, I'd like to thank my good buddy TBA from BD for exposing me and my plans to wipe out tards everywhere with the Badass Virus. Now I'm on the run from the Feds, and thanks to TBA blowing the whistle on me, I must accelerate my plans. I am at the airport now, with a case filled with Malthion X. I have rented a crop duster, and with the information gathered from my precious worm virus, I will now chemically castrate every tard who ever opened Badass.exe. I might not make it back from this mission kids, wish me luck. Tell my wife Katie Holmes that I love her.

aarrghh -- wrongforum @ 9:40 pm
Dammit, you got me. I couldn't tell if you're serious or not. I've been reading long enough to remember the swift justice against Saigon John's shit, and I tread lightly.

Hell, what would I do if I wasn't posting? I live in goddamn Clarksville, TN! Redneck capital of the world! Writing for this site is the only thing that keeps me from watching WWF 24/7. And running around barefoot.

And dammit my cable got turned off. Which one of you pucks out there didn't pay my cable bill? How am I gonna watch Dragonball Z?

I've been fired? -- wrongforum @ 8:49 pm
Wha? I say Macs rule once, and I get fired? That's some steep punishment. Man, Nick frickin' had a goddamn holy rolling revival sermon about Macs.

If this is my last post before my posting rights disappear, I'd like to say I'll miss all the hate mail. It was the highlight of my day.

Dammit, everyone takes these things so friggin' seriously. I was kidding. Wha...wait a sec....That's the problem! I left my sarcastic wit in my car. Shit, I was wondering what was up. --Sharkey

Ha-Fuckin'-Ha -- Sharkey @ 7:07 pm
Take a look at the links bar over at Solosier and you'll see that we've undergone a name change. So, as my latest decree, all our Mac users are fired. Sorry Mox. And for my second decree, all 5 of our Mac readers are fired too. And for my third decree, I wish to never hear the word "stepcut" come out of Mabs' mouth again. Bastard.

The quake -- Sharkey @ 1:53 pm
Wow, it was a 7.0 earthquake, that's pretty big for out here. The epicenter was out by Joshua Tree, which is pretty close to Palm Springs where my Dad & Stepmom live, and even closer to the Marine Base in 29 Palms where I believe Wags' Dad lives. The quake derailed a train and probably did some damage, but since it was out in the desert it probably won't do much. You can check out more info on it here.

Earthquake -- Sharkey @ 2:54 am
Whoa, Earthquake right now. Right as we speak. Crazy.

Late Late Show -- Sharkey @ 2:36 am
Mox and I went to a taping of The Late Late Show yesterday, and it was pretty funny. We had to wait outside 2 damn hours before we got to go in. There were these two chicks in front of us, one good-looking brunette and her buddy who had to be 15 years older than her. We were talking to them for quite awhile, but it was pretty sad that there was only one pokeable chick out of the two. How can you put an Apple next to a Stale? That's not right dammit. And to top it off, it was really cold for the Apple if you catch my drift. She could've poked an eye out with them glasscutters.

As I'm sure anyone who sat at home on Friday night (go see Fight Club jackholes!) knows, Farrah Fawcett was the guest, and they did this whole Farrah-themed show. Craig Kilborn is a funny-ass mofo. He only did 1 take for everything, and he was really cool to the audience. And he kept making everyone laugh off-camera by looking into his mirror and fixing his hair. These two gay guys in front of us were way too into Farrah. They were complimenting her acting abilities and shit. Everyone knows that all her acting talents went into the boobs and the caboose. She has to smoke enough talent into her bloodstream just to get her stoner ass onstage. She was so light-headed I thought she'd pop.

Anyway, it was pretty cool. I hear Tom Green is coming to LA, that is definitely one show I've gotta see.

Do NOT TALK AB...who am I kidding. -- Sharkey @ 2:26 am
Fight Club

This movie was really good. I was trying to come up with some other words to describe it, but I can't. It was just really good. Kickass might work too, or badass, or fan-fuckin'-tastic. Hey, where were those words a second ago? Anyway, I don't want to give away anything about this movie. Just go see it.

What, you think I meant next Tuesday? Get to steppin'! Go NOW!

I hate everybody. -- wrongforum @ 1:21 am
I didn't get to see it. Damn.

Anyway, the only way to fix the whole situation is with some mad laughs, so here you go. If you haven't been introduced to the inimitable Herbert Kornfeld, then you haven't lived.

And Jimbo, I didn't talk about it, say you can't give me grief about it this time.

Friday, October 15, 1999

Music Review: Sixteen Horsepower's Low Estate -- wrongforum @ 12:52 pm
None of you guys have ever heard of em before. So check it out here.

Hungarian Madonna interview -- Nick @ 11:26 am
SlashDot is linking to a great Madonna interview from 1996. The questions were posed in Hungarian, then translated into English for Madonna, whose replies were then translated back into Hungarian for the paper and then back to English for USA Today. Pretty funny schtuff.

For all you Mac fans out there, I met Guy Kawasaki about two weeks ago. He's a funny guy, made some comments about smoking pot in Silicon Valley. Guy has his own startup venture capital thing now over at garage.com and is still, of course, a Mac enthusiast. I'm with Sharkey though, PCs rule. In the business workplace, if you're trained on a Mac you're SOL.

WTF x2 -- wrongforum @ 10:12 am
IBM announced today something all you mp3 and movie jacks are gonna like - a brand new 73 GB hard drive (I hear the sound of a double-take). And that’s not half of it. It has a 4.9 millisecond seek time. Who the hell do these people think they are? They know I can’t afford one, yet they bait me with numbers like that. IBM must pay for its evil ways. A company that can get that much on a hard drive has to have sold its soul to Satan. I’ve been pining for a new one for a while, and 5.2 GB is feeling really boxed in with a coupla those gigs taken up by mp3s. I guess I’ll have to trash my “Dr. Who” theme mp3 to make room. :<(

Anybody out there seen that trailer for the game “Oni”? I really want to know who made the music for it. It sounds so good, and it would be nice to know who did it. First person that tells me gets a chikin leg (sic).

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 10:12 am
I was reminded of this slice by a friend of mine yesterday, and I can't believe she hasn't been SotD before. Here is one of the hottest slices Britain has to offer: Louise Nurding.

I'm going over...hmya... -- Sharkey @ 9:53 am
Dig this South Park Wav file, and know that we've been saying that nonstop for the last week.

Heh-heh. Hmya.

Today is the day -- wrongforum @ 12:29 am
Just read a little review about Fight Club in my local newspaper. Got 4 out of 4 stars. Hallelujah. Nothing's gonna stop me from seeing it now, bitches. I don't care if do have to go to work. I'll quit.

Oh, yeah, and Macs rule. Okay maybe not. You never saw this post.

Thursday, October 14, 1999

WTF? -- Sharkey @ 9:34 pm
OK, there will be no Mac revolution on this site dammit. I just realized that 3 of our posters are Mac users, its kind of upsetting. SAD MACS! SAD MACS FOR YOU ALL! I gotta hit the can, maybe I should order the latest crapper from Apple. *Whew*, had to clear out all that positive Mac energy, I feel better now.

YES!! -- Captain Terror @ 7:40 pm
Yes, yes, my Mac brothers. Stand up and unite. Let the world oppress us no longer. For one day, we shall prevail. All hail Steve Jobs. His hair is cooler than Bill Gates.

Music Review: The Roots' Things Fall Apart -- wrongforum @ 3:00 pm
Go check it out here. Hope to write more soon.

Retraction -- wrongforum @ 2:48 pm
Thanks to Mac OS Rumors for this one. Steve Jobs changed his mind about cancelling all those pre-orders. Boy, that was fast. I may get my 400 after all.

Apparently those five Mac users I called upon must have gave the beat-down to that feedback page I posted. Damn, you guys are good.

Apple: SWING and a miss -- Sharkey @ 1:24 pm
I can't imagine any real Tech Supporters saying, "Is it a sad Mac?" I couldn't keep a straight face. And usually techs are badasses like me, who's real knowledge and skeellz are only tested when all Hell breaks loose. Power failure and only 3 minutes left on the APCs? Virus outbreak across the network? Some stupid bitch e-mails the entire company messages with huge jpeg files of crap around her house that she wants to sell, causing the mail server to shit itself? No problem I say, that is real Tech Support Badassness. Although, there are a few lemons out there, but they usually get weeded out when the shit hits the fan.

Strike one for Apple -- wrongforum @ 12:41 pm
Yesterday, Apple cut all the speeds of it’s G4 line by 50Mhz without changing their price brackets. In other words, if you ordered a 400Mhz machine for $1600, then your order was cancelled, and when you tried to buy again, your $1600 will only buy a 350Mhz model now. I can see why they did it (they site RAM costs as the problem, as well as G4 shortages), but they didn’t even fulfil their old orders. I say to all five of you Mac users out there, go over to Apple’s feedback page and give em’ some hell. That shit is fucking wrong.

I’ll tell you why it burns my ass - my boys in Tech at work just ordered me and my boss two 400Mhz G4s for all that pre-press shit we do. We were already on back order, and now it’s gonna be something like two months before we see our weak-ass 350Mhz machines to replace them. Dammit, we’ve already got 300Mhz G3s that work fine (the biege kind), and I don’t want any of those blue-and-white plastic Hello Kitty motherfuckers.

And get this - the only reason they want to upgrade our machines is so they can have our nice stable G3s to use for servers. They aren’t confident that the G4s would be stable for a file server environment. In other words, they want our good machines, so they’ll replace them with bitch-ass machines. And now there won’t even be that much of a speed increase.

Sharkey, enlighten me. Do most tech services guys have their brain in their ass crack? Or are my boys in Tech the only three pucks in the profession? Do I have to get em' in the camel clutch just to make them listen to reason? Does anybody even give a damn?

A surprise -- Sharkey @ 4:09 am
I got a surprise for all you Badass readers out there. I give you: The Slice of the Day Archives. That's right, In it's entirety. No editing, no BS, just every single SotD served piping hot and ready to view. Took me a long-ass time to put it together, but it was worth it. Enjoy.

Wednesday, October 13, 1999

Random thoughts -- Mr Mabs @ 6:26 pm
If your sister was Alyssa Milano, and you lived in Mississippi, would you score better on the purity test than Solosier?

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 4:10 pm
You may have seen today's slice on the Cover of SI's Swimsuit Issue, or in many magazines posing half naked. Here is Valeria:

I'm a lucky fool again -- wrongforum @ 3:54 pm
He, he. Just got out of drawing class. There ain't nothing better than half-nekkid theatre chicks. Well, except fully nekkid theatre chicks. In the words of Sharkey, "BOO-YAH!"

The Anime Channel? -- Sharkey @ 11:09 am
Many thanks go out to Josh for this info. It seems that Cartoon Network is planning on spinning off two new channels. One is for the "baby boomers" and features classics such as Woody Woodpecker, old episodes of Looney Tunes, Popeye, etc. The other channel will be an all anime/action channel. They realized it was time for this when the Toonami block on their station was the highest rated block of programming on the network. You can read the rest of the article here. I sincerely hope this happens, an all anime channel would kick much ass.

Anagrams -- Schmerz @ 4:49 am
Hmm... I thought anagrams were words made by rearranging the letters of another word. Click here to see a cool anagrams page. They have a CGI script which finds anagrams for any word you write in. You know when English teachers ask you to find all the words you can make from a long word like septuagenarian? Hell, I just used the Anagrams search engine. Nice way to cheat. Here are some funny anagrams:

Elvis = Lives
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in'em
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
The Detectives = Detect Thieves
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Why shouldn't America go re-elect President Clinton in Ninety-Six? = He has a prime or cunning tendency to wildly solicit Internet sex.
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Patrick Stewart = A Crap Trek Twist
Parliament = Partial men
Clint Eastwood = Old West Action

Tuesday, October 12, 1999

The Fight Club cometh -- wrongforum @ 10:49 pm
Just a coupla days left till Fight Club premieres. Dammit, I can't wait. It looks to be the most badass movie to come out in the last few years. You know you can't beat Ed Norton as a total psycho, as he played so well in American History X. We'll see about Brad Pitt. However, the second best thing about the movie has to be that the guy that directed Seven is the same guy doing this. Everybody knows that Seven was the most fucked up movie of this decade, period. And that's worth something, although I'm not sure what. Did I mention that I can't wait?

Anyway, the best thing about this movie is what they don't show in the previews much. That thing is Helena Bonham Carter, who is easily the hottest slice of pie to come from the UK. And she looks better than ever in this flick. Methinks this movie can't go wrong. The equation for this movie goes a little like this-

fights + guns + hot pie from across the Atlantic + guy from Seven = hot dog! a badass movie!

Although most may not appreciate it, another thing I really want to see are the opening sequences, which were designed by one of my favorite graphic designers, P. Scott Makela. Now there is a total badass. It's a shame he just died recently. He was a dean at the grad school I was looking at. I didn't want to go to school anyway. Viva ignorance!

In the yeeaar 2000!! -- Sharkey @ 10:06 pm
Man I miss watching Conan. When I'd go drinking with people from my old work we'd get sloshed and watch Conan. I was watching Talk Soup today and they showcased the "In the year 2000" segment from the other night. In it, Conan said that in the year 2000:

The 80's bands Banannarama and Bow-wow-wow will combine to form the supergroup Crap.

WTF? -- Sharkey @ 9:30 pm
OK, would somebody please like to explain why so many people are coming to the site via Bud's Guttermouth article? How are you people getting to the article? It's really weird, and intriguing. And all of the sudden I'm reminded that Bud hasn't released a new music review in months.

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid!! -- Captain Terror @ 9:23 pm
You don't know what fear is, unless you are stuck in traffic on the I-5 after drinking two Big Gulps and three shit fire dogs. ...... I almost didn't make it.

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 5:14 pm
Oh yeah, today's slice is our resident Pecan: Tia Carrere:

“I’m waxed clean - hairless as the day I was born. But don’t say ‘Tia has no pubic hair.’ That’s so clinical. Use a nice euphemism. Say ‘She’s mowed her secret garden’ or ‘She’s cleared the way to the Promised Land.’ Because that’s what it is, right?”

Wilt Chamberlain dies -- Sharkey @ 4:39 pm
Wilt Chamberlain died of an apparent heart attack just outside his home today at age 63. Chamberlain was a legend in the NBA, scoring 31,419 points on the court, and (supposedly) 20,000 off court.

I love art school -- wrongforum @ 3:21 pm
And I'll tell you why. There's a group of classes called art core, which every art major has to complete, even those studying graphic design. Now this usually involves stupid intro classes like 2d design, but there is this little gem in the rough called Drawing II, which is actually titled Figure Drawing. That's right, kiddies, its nude drawing! Official, state mandated, unclothed women for your drawing pleasure.

Well, that's not completely true...sometimes we do have male models, but we've been lucky so far because all the nude models have been female. And they ain't ugly either - most of them are those liberal-minded girls from the theatre department that like to show their stuff. Thank god for female exhibitionists with nipple rings.

So while all ya'll are whacking all over your computer monitor, I'm getting COLLEGE CREDIT to look at nekkid ass, and it's not even considered deviant behavior. And you guys thought that only sociology majors got to have that kind of fun...

Solo, about Tech Support... -- Sharkey @ 1:12 pm
Actually, my Tech Support job rules. I don't ever deal with customers or the general public. There's only around 90 different people who could conceivably call me, and a small percentage of that do so each day. It's a rarity that someone is stupid enough to phase me, usually everyone is pretty computer literate. Of course, once in a blue moon we get a real jackass calling in, making a request for something absurd, then I get to shoot them down.

Reader Mail -- Sharkey @ 1:02 pm
Hey it's been awhile, let's dig into the mailbag:

I wanted to point out that you were not making anagrams of the name Bence, but rather making phrases for which B.E.N.C.E is an acronym of. An anagram would be to rearrange the letters in his name to make a new word or phrase. With that in mind, here's one:

Besides Erection, Nobody Could Ejaculate

Brian
http://members.aol.com/gtrbri98

Hiatus over -- wrongforum @ 12:52 pm
The Vigilantes of Love concert last night was unbelievable. They sounded so good, and that lead guitarist just bleeds blues scales. It’s a shame that there aren’t many REAL fans around here. The fools that set up the show put a bunch of tables and chairs out, so if you wanted to stand up, you felt like a total ass because you would be blocking someone’s view. Anyway, if you want to hear their best work, check out the albums they did while on the Capricorn label (where they were label-mates with 311 and Cake).

On a completely unrelated note, I got the new copy of Wired in the mail today, and the laugh-your-ass-off-funny cover was done by none other than the comic genius of John Kricfalusi. For all you knuckleheads out there who don’t know that name, he was the animator and writer behind the original six episodes of Ren and Stimpy, which are by far the funniest six cartoon in existence. I’m pretty sure he did some more on that series, but nothing touches that initial run. Anyway, he’s got a psycho site over at Spumco. Also, he did a coupla Yogi Bear cartoons for Cartoon Network a week or two ago. Ain’t nothing better than seeing Yogi beat the shit outta that bitch-monkey park ranger.

B.E.N.C.E. Anagrams -- Nick @ 4:23 am
What kind of name is "Bence" ? It's not a name, it's an anagram! Here are some of the solutions I have come up with, all in the form of newspaper headlines:

B.E.N.C.E. - Boy Eats Nachos, Can't Ejaculate
B.E.N.C.E. - Barely Eighteen, Non-legal Child Escort
B.E.N.C.E. - Buy Enough Nasty Cat Excrement?
B.E.N.C.E. - Bitmaps Enable Naughty Childhood Erections

Can you think of any?

I could have sworn I made a rule about Bence yesterday. Maybe from now on he'll take these things with a sense of humor. But, maybe not. Hey, how about:

B.E.N.C.E. - Boy Enters Nudie-booth, Can't Elongate or
B.E.N.C.E. - Bedroom Experience Needed, Can Experiment

Heh, that's kinda fun. Hope Bence doesn't take it the wrong way --Sharkey

Monday, October 11, 1999

BOO-YAH! -- Sharkey @ 10:12 pm
And today is a good day. I got my raise/promotion. I am now Tech Support Supervisor. To that, my friends, I say sweeeet.

Solo, about War2BNE... -- Sharkey @ 8:55 pm
Don't count on it being in the store tomorrow. Especially if it hasn't left California yet.

Well, nevermind, I guess you could get it tomorrow. Lesson of the day? Don't expect the most accurate status update from a Blizz employee who hasn't been in for the last 3 days.

Crappitty crap-crap -- Sharkey @ 3:31 pm
Well, looks like I waited too long to get my new mobo/cpu, because doing so means I need to huck my current 64MB of EDO RAM for 128MB of SDRAM. Why is it too late? In case you hadn't noticed, DRAM prices are through the roof. And according to this Register article, they aren't coming down any time soon. That sucks my left nut. At least I can get my new HD, but the new processor is a necessity dammit.

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 1:12 pm
Can you beleive that I've never made Heather Graham SotD? I think doug did once, but I shoud have by now. Anyway, here's making up for past mistakes:

American Beauty -- Nick @ 12:54 pm
Make it a point to go out and see the movie American Beauty tonight. I saw it Saturday eve and can't stop talking about it. My friend-date came out of the movie and, in total cheerleader fashion, said it was "So wierd!" Shut up you slut and go back to your cartwheels. For anyone that's seen the movie, does that kind of herb really exist?

Also... Salon wrote a great memo to the Kansas school board. Talks about expanding the "no evolution" system to teach kids that Paul Bunyan created the Grand Canyon.

Britney on Simpsons -- Sharkey @ 12:02 pm
Britney Spears will be appearing as herself on an upcoming Simpsons episode. She will appear hosting an awards show. I wonder what the cartoon version of her "talents" will look like.

Geez -- Sharkey @ 11:47 am
Dude, I think I'm gonna have to make a rule now. No more mentioning Bence anymore. Now, don't get me wrong. I like Bence, I visit his site regularly, and I think he's fuckin' funny. But he doesn't seem to have a sense of humor when it comes to us mentioning him. He makes jokes about himself, but when we use those same jokes he gets all offended. That'd be like if Mox got a stupid haircut (sounds familiar actually), told everyone how dumb it looked, and got all offended when I mentioned it. Seriously Bence, we really like you around here, so we'll keep it to a minumum. But lighten up man, we're not trying to insult you.

Oops -- Sharkey @ 4:01 am
So I'm an idiot, I redid the links bar to your right, all because I wanted to put Schlyer's new site Absurdities Observed over there. Then I thought, hmmm.. I should finally put my lazy ass in gear and put up the little banner links so that the text links aren't so cluttered. Then I do all that, and forget to link to Schlyer. Doh! Then after I go through putting the text link in, I notice he's got a swank banner link as well. Dammit.

Also, in case you don't read Roosh, he thought to change this whole "e/n" thing into "g/s" which stands (stood actually) for General Spectrum. Now, I thought that the word Spectrum was quite lame in that context. Now he's changed it to General Site, which is better, but I still don't know if anyone cares to classify sites like this. I bore this site out of the normal bullshit sessions I had with Mabs, Mox, Bud, and anyone who felt like discussing issues of the day/pie/stupid people. Maybe that's what we should call it. "B/S". I can see it now, defining the indefinable, B/S. Anyway, a lot of sites will be pissed if the classification changes because thier names are based off of it.

Enough talking about the "scene", it makes me all sketchy.

Funny Pictures -- Schmerz @ 3:32 am
Hello. I am Schmerz and you're not. I was looking in my inbox today and I found some funny pictures.

The first one is Computer Date. Bence would be proud.

The second is Donald Duck Trousers. And you thought Donald had no dick. Shame on you.

These pictures are from a site called Twisted Humor. They have a bunch of jokes and stuff, and they claim to pay you for referring members onto their jokes mailing list. Click here to go to the site. If you want to sign up without using my affiliate code thingy, just take out everything after twistedhumor.com in the URL.
Bitchin'.

I have yet to one of those "get some money for nothing" things that actually work. I bet most of you have tried that slow-as browser, GotoWorld. Unless you're some kind of computer nerd who surfs the net 24 hours a day using their browser, you'll barely get more than 5 dollars from Gotoworld each month. And for some strange reason, GotoWorld says they take 4 dollars off your earnings. :\

Yeah, has anyone seen profit off that AllAdvantage.com site? Everybody plugs the Hell out of it, and I haven't heard of any cash comin' out of it. --Sharkey

Sunday, October 10, 1999

Movie Reviews -- Sharkey @ 9:28 pm
Forgot to do these earlier, but here ya go:

Double Jeopardy

Ahh, boy do I love Ashley Judd. Especially when she shows off her...assets in movies, which she does so in this film. The movie itself is predictable, with some bad dialogue here and there and plot holes you could drive a hummer through. Still, it was entertaining. And seeing Ashley Judd in hot outfits doesn't hurt. Mabs says that no matter how bad a movie is, if it stars Ashley Judd, its worth 2 hours of your time.

Superstar

Yet another Lorne Michaels movie with "flop" written all over it. Every time an SNL skit runs for more than a few seasons, he slaps "movie material" on it. We'll take a skit that's funny for about 3-4 minutes, and stetch it into an hour and a half. Now, it was funny at times, actually it was really funny at times, but those were few and far between. Tom Green is in it, along with SNL stars, and that crazy guy from Something About Mary. Go see it if you reeally like the skit. Otherwise, avoid it like the plague.

Wow, I thought he was gay. -- Sharkey @ 8:09 pm
WTF? I'm over at Bence and I see this article on how Michael Jackson is getting divorced for a second time, from his wife who produced two of his children. Ok, for one thing I must be paying no attention at all, because I didn't even know he got married again. Secondly, who allowed him to have kids? When the Hell did this happen? Next thing you'll be telling me that Gary Coleman filed for bankruptcy. Oh, wait...

Taste test... -- Sharkey @ 2:58 pm
Alright everyone, I'm gonna give you a taste of our new section that should be ready soon. Aim your mouse right here, and enjoy. I think you'll get the idea. Enjoy.

Dammit -- Sharkey @ 12:21 am
Don't give 'em any ideas Cap'n. Some of my best posts are the long-ass rants.

Saturday, October 09, 1999

Whew! -- Captain Terror @ 10:02 pm
I'm glad to see the posts are getting shorter. My attention span isn't long enough to read more than a few lines at a time. I just look for the buzz words like 'pie' or 'tits' or something like that. If they aren't their, I go to the next post.

Quickies -- Sharkey @ 8:21 pm
Amazing how I can find a way to update no matter where the Hell I am. Anyway, I'm supposed to be down in the lobby in a few, so I'll keep this short and sweet.

Check out Abode's Contest, basically the person with the best skeleton in their closet wins. I was thinking of entering, but the statute of limitations hasn't come through yet. And why would I want to give them away anyhow? That's why I've got secrets, because its cooler if I know and you don't.

Also, where are the damn slices? I know we have women who read this site, let's at least get a pic or two dammit! In case you'd forgotten, send them to badassmofo@badassmofo.com.

Also, my hair didn't burn from that stupid salon shampoo shit. Maybe it already worked it's "magic". All I know is that some of it got on my face, and I threw away the damn bottle. Any time I can say the Ralph Wiggums classic line: "My face is on fire!" without laughing is a bad thing.

Gotta go.

Lack of Pie -- Sharkey @ 12:50 pm
Yeah, I know its been lacking in the pie area around here, but since my laptop's broke and I can't FTP at work, I can only do SotD when I'm at home. But all that should change this week. No more of this overtime crap for me.

Movie Review -- Sharkey @ 12:45 pm
Perfect Blue

Boy, they should change the name to Perfect Blew. What a rank, steaming pile of ass. I had such high hopes for this movie, and it fell short in every category. Now, this is an anime flick, and you may not be able to see it in your town. Be thankful. The audience was laughing through most of it because it was so damn stupid. Then there was the one guy at every "art house" who was like "Whats so damn funny? Just because none of you get it." Yeah, I understand the film perfectly buddy, and that's why it sucks so hard. The animation was bad, the dubbing was bad, and the plot was a cheesy attempt at a mind-fuck type film. (Like The Game). Do yourself a favor, steer clear of this dung heap. Award winning my ass.

Ongoing contest -- Sharkey @ 12:58 am
Dammit Solo, you've gone and put my plan into effect, but on your site. DAMMIT. I've been waiting, patiently....month by month until the right time. But you've forced me to expediate the process.

*AHEM* If any of you out there are females, who consider themselves fine slices, please send your pics to badassmofo@badassmofo.com. Don't send it to me personally, because I don't have the cable modem everywhere I go. But I only check the badassmofo account at home. Also, if you are a guy, who would like to show off his fine slice of a woman, send it as well. Please include any information you want posted with it. IE: name, where you live, what type of slice you consider yourself, hobbies, etc. Each month (or more often, depending on you) we will showcase them all here, and choose the finest slice out of the whole case.

And yes, we do accept applications from slices showcasing their...fillings. >:)

Chicken Game -- Schmerz @ 12:43 am
I came across this game called Chicken 2. It is only a mere 91 KB, and involves the bloody slaughter of many chickens. Whip out that shotgun (or whatever firearm you're using) and blow the fuck out of chickens! Addictive little thing. Must kill more chickens.

And while you're at it, grab Capman (2.9 MB). It is the old classic Pac Man, with a difference. You nolonger have to run away from those multi-colored blobs. Turn around and blow the fuck out of them with your minigun. It has cool graphics and you can play over the internet too, for Capman showdowns.

Friday, October 08, 1999

An interesting day -- Sharkey @ 5:12 pm
Wow, today has been pretty fuckin' strange. I better watch out for falling anvils. Don't get me wrong, its been a damn good day, just, wierd. Oh, and some guys tried to rob a house in the LA area just a bit ago, and they shot a cop. Then, on live TV, the SWAT Team aced a suspect. Then they dragged him around, through a river, and tried to recussitate him later. Mox got video and screen captures which I will put up later.

I look just like Ricky Martin, only shorter. -- wrongforum @ 3:16 pm
From what my e-mail inbox indicates, everyone on earth must hate doug. I update my mailbox status regularly, thinking all those e-mails coming in are gonna be great hate mail that I'll get to respond to with lots of cursing. Instead, everybody's telling me what dumbass thing doug did yesterday, or something else that I care little about. I guess my first post here made people think I hate him, which I do not.

On the other hand, people who impersonate two-bit actors are pretty funny, and are worthy of ridicule. Have a heyday, doug-haters!

Anyway, my girlfriend is in town, so you'll hear very little of me for the rest of the weekend, at least on the internet. he,he...

I work with psychopaths. -- Sharkey @ 1:39 pm
So, I open up my work e-mail inbox, and I got this message from the Executive Vice President's temp assistant:

How to say good morning to every one

I am very wonder when I come here to work and the first thing I would like to cheer with every one even though they are not an employee here is about saying: "Good morning" but what they attitude is ignorant as they do not understand what it is.
If you think this first impression no need for greeting then from now on how could I show that he or she or even myself have been very appreciated to be or working here, does a greeting "Good morning" worth any how?

Random thoughts -- Sharkey @ 1:00 pm
As I was driving here (I'm at work for the moment), I passed a really dirty car, where someone had scrawled "I'm a big slut" in the dirt on the back window. I sped up a bit and looked inside, and the girl was quite a looker. I thought it very nice of this good samaritan to let me know about this lovely young girl's sexual habits. I shall put this information to good use. Too bad all women don't have those. >:)

The tingle tells you its working -- Sharkey @ 11:56 am
Remind me never to buy shampoo from the damn haircutters again. I went in for a haircut yesterday, and the lady starts asking questions about what shampoo I use. I'm all, "You know that stuff that's 2 in 1, and sells for a few bucks at the store? That's what I use." So then she's saying I shouldn't be using that crap, and I remember that I just ran out of that stuff this morning. She mentions this shampoo I should use instead, and how its really cheap. *DING* Cheap? I'm sold, where is it? So she spends the whole haircut selling me on this shit, telling me how I rub it into the scalp and it makes my hair thicker or whatever. And I'm like, who gives a shit, its shampoo! Anyway, she takes me over to that rack of bottles, and pulls out these 2 bottles. Twenty bucks for the both of them. I'm all, "YOU CALL THAT CHEAP?" And she's just blathering about how it does this and that. And I think that I just made a shitload off of ebay auctions and finally cashing in my jar of change. What better luxury to spend 20 bucks on than laziness? If I buy this crap, I don't have to go to the store later. So I buy it.

So just after that last post, I decide to take a shower and get ready to leave. I put this first bottle of shit in my hair, and it smells like mint. No joke, this is the first shampoo I put in my hair that didn't smell clean. Then there's the next bottle, clearly marked "Scalp Therapy". Already I'm pissed at the name. Anyway, the bottle says to rub it in the hair, and leave it in for 1-3 minutes. I swear to you, this stuff smelled like Vicks Vapo-Rub. I put it on, and wait. Now, you remember those shampoo commercials where they said "The tingle tells you its working!" Well, this shit was working overtime. I'm standing there with this burning layer of Vicks Vapo-Rub on my head, and realize that I've essentially put Icy-Hot into my hair. So I rinse the shit off, and my head is COLD. I mean really cold, like I just yanked the blanket off of it in winter. And all I can think of, is where's the damn receipt.

Damn tingly shampoo crap, remind me not to go back to that haircutter. Bitch.

Say it with me everybody! -- Sharkey @ 11:25 am
Saw over on (pez) Geeknews that I'm not (pez) allowed to (pez) say Pez, because (pez) Pez Candy Inc. might (pez) prospezecute me. >:)

Boy, and I (pez) used to really like Pe....Ahh... almost got me to say it.

Getting the Micro-shaft -- Sharkey @ 11:20 am
(*song*) Who is it trendy to hate these days? Microsoft, that's who. (*/song*)

Thursday, October 07, 1999

Pink puffy shirt? -- Sharkey @ 11:05 pm
Heh-heh, go have a look at doug's newest exploits here. I believe one particular doug hater was asking me for that picture today, but it seems doug removed all his posts. I don't care about that, I'd just like to know that he burned that shirt in a garbage can after rubbing it in dogshit. EEeuuch.

Are they made from real Girl Scouts? -- Sharkey @ 4:51 pm
Found this one on Slightly Off Center:

The Black Diamond Girl Scout Council's former Web site address has been taken over by a Ukrainian-based pornography site, Susan Thompson, the council's executive director, said Wednesday. The problem started after the West Virginia-based council changed its Web address from www.blackdiamondgirlscouts.com to www.bdgsc.org. The council said it switched because the previous address was too long. Earlier this month, an outfit called Internet Domains Group snapped up the former address, according to a search of records with Internic, a company that registers domain names. "We were not pleased," Thompson said.

The Rants -- Sharkey @ 3:19 pm
As you can see, we've changed the name of Lucky's Rants to just The Rants. I highly suggest you go check out our newest staffer, Billy Ray's introduction.

Hey. Would you...? -- wrongforum @ 1:27 pm
How postmodern can you get? Go to www.r33t.org right now. Go on, click on that link on the right side of the page until I find out how to link inside a post, dammit.

I've heard of people changing their name, but that is hilarious. I watched some show once about a guy that changed his name to "Trout Fishing in America". He showed his driver's license and everything. He told a story about how a cop that pulled him over for speeding nearly arrested him because he thought he was screwing with his head.

You know, I might change my name, too. I've been thinking about "Chris Gaines" being a good name for me, being from TN and all.

Belated Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 11:22 am
So I was unable to do Slice of the Day before I left yesterday. So what? I actually uploaded all the images, I just forgot to post where to find them. Anyway, here's yesterday's SotD: Gwenyth Paltrow

Awww, how can you stay mad when there's women like this in the world. Ever wonder what kind of underwear Gwenyth wears? Well now you know, and knowin' is half the battle.

Movie Review -- Sharkey @ 10:57 am
Happy, Texas

Mabs has been hyping the shit out of this movie since he saw that screening of it half a year ago. Come to think of it, why the Hell didn't you review this flick Mabs? You saw it so long ago, and....oh wait, lazy-ass, I forgot. Well, this was a damn funny movie. The plot follows these two excaped convicts who steal an RV to get outta Dodge. They end up in the same town that the RV was headed, where it turns out that the RV belonged to a gay couple who trains girls for beauty pageants. The town, Happy, Texas (hence the name, braniac) has hired the homos to get their hometown girls into this cross-county competition. Wanting the prize money, and the opportunity to knock off the local bank, the two pretend to be the gay pageant professionals, and the hilarity ensues. Go see this one, its worth your time.

Another post about MTV -- wrongforum @ 10:00 am
Judging from the serious tone of the last few days of posts, it seems that everyone is worked up over MTV. Let's face it. You and I both know that every teenaged kid from 12-13 on was hooked on MTV the first time they saw it, myself included. I couldn't pry myself away - I'd sit there for hours, watching hair bands and Yo! MTV Raps. Videos like "Mama Said Knock You Out" come readily to mind as one of my favorites from my earlier years. I guess the point, as cheesy as it sounds, is that MTV holds a kind of sacred place in our lives, even if we don't watch it now. We grew up with it, and we don't wanna see it change, especially if you remember the whole "New Kids on the Block" fiasco of videos that happened back around that time as well.

The one good thing to look forward to that it will end soon enough, and MTV will get tired of pandering to little girls. And that’s mainly because the money ran out, because those same little girls grew up and went to see the Lilith Fair. And then we’ll see an upsurge in Sarah McLachlan and Melissa Etheridge videos.

The reason we hate these boy bands and whatnot is because we see that they play their audience as suckers, and the fans don't even realize it. They appeal to the lowest common denominator and don't make any attempt to take seriously the profession that we hold dear, the musician/entertainer. And I think it's wise to think of those two words together (musician/entertainer), because it's the balance of the two that really makes a good artist. Too much entertainer, and you get Britney Spears. Too much musician, and you get bluegrass music. Blink 182's stuff is a fine example of this. You’ve got three guys that get together and write some of the funniest shit out there, and it's coupled with great music. And those are exactly the kind of bands we want for OUR MTV.

Re: Bud's comments -- Sharkey @ 3:35 am
See, I'd like to think that in this world we don't have to stand for all that copycat crap, and that we can choose what we want to listen to instead of having mindless sheep doing it for us. But I guess we don't live in that world. And I'm not saying that the Backstreet Boys are evil just because they prey upon the stupidity of the masses. I make money off of stupid people every day doing tech support. What I am upset about, is the fact that the tards run the show. I mean, yes, big businesses and the government are not the tards, they just use the tards as fuel. And the tards can't see what they are, they just beleive that they make their own decisions and lead their own lives, when in actuality they're being told what to eat, drink, and listen to.

I'd just like, for one day at least, to show them something different. Maybe I want to give them one more chance before they should be placed into the Malthion X program. Maybe I just want to see some butt-ugly band on TRL for once in my lifetime, so that the masses would just appreciate the music. Maybe its too late, and there's no stopping the tard gene from infecting the planet. But maybe, just maybe, there's hope for the tards after all.

Probably not though, some people are just too stupid to live.

Websites for the Mofo' -- Schmerz @ 3:20 am
Check out the Freakshow. What, not enough pie for you? Then eat this and this mutant slice. This guy looks like he wants a kiss, and you don't wanna try this at home. And for no reason in particular, get a glimpse at this guy. I'm gonna go hurl now.

Go read the Spankie Synonyms. If you visit that site, scroll down, read the synonyms and have a laugh but whatever you do, don't scroll up! Not unless you like to see pictures of guys with nutsacks the size of Europe.
Now, instead of thinking of Bence as a fat virgin who likes to jerk off, think of him as a horizontally challenged guy who likes to make the bald man puke.

See ya guys, I'm going to have sex with someone I love.
Just kidding. :)

MTV Need Help. -- Bud @ 2:38 am
Sharkey has stirrd up one of my favorite topics. My views are close to his, but not the same.

To start off with the Aquabats kick ass. Travis, the drummer of Blink 182 used to be the drummer of the Aquabats. Now, MTV should stand for Mute Television. Thats the best way to watch TRL. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara look 100 times better when you don't have to hear them sing.

I don't think you can start bumming on the members of the B.S. Boys for jumping on the cash cow that is lying before them. If the market is there, you may as well exploit it. Saturation is the greatest gift of all in a situation like this. Music companies will put out as many copycat acts as they can to make a ton of money in the short amount of time the genre will be alive. After that, the style will die and a new version of something already old will come out. Then, all those 14 year olds will be calling in requesting the new Flock of Seagulls.

MTV is designed for people who need to be told who to listen to and which singles to run out and buy. Those of us who really care about music will go out to local clubs, hear new bands, or DJs, or whatever and make our own decisions. If we want to complain to anyone, it should be the cable companies that don't carry MTV2. Then we can avoid TRL and all thoseother gay ass MTV shows.

The democratic response -- Sharkey @ 1:32 am
Most people seem way into the voting plan. It's good to see that everyone seems to care about this. Although I did receive one negative piece of mail, by someone who commonly likes to put words into my mouth. He stated that I was arrogant to pass judgement on bands like the Backstreet Boys, and that I had no right to define what is "music" and what is not. Now, I'd just like to share with you a portion of what I told him.

...Scott McCloud defined art as "anything that does not stem from the human race's two primary functions: reproduction & survival". My definition of it is not as liberal as his, but I do consider many things art. Music is also art, and I take great precaution before I define something as "not art". Not once have I EVER said that the Backstreet Boys, or Jennifer Lopez, or any other TRL regulars were not artists, or musicians. What I WAS pointing out, was that none of the voters are voting to hear their artistic expressions, they are voting to see their "hot dance moves" or their "sooooo fine" looks. That is not art to me, that is an attempt to capitalize upon the market of stupid teenage girls, which stems from the survival instinct. I don't condemn any other bands for their lack of talent, more power to them if they want to make money. I'd just like to exercise my right to watch MTV, not teenybopper-vision.

You'll find me at the local jail -- wrongforum @ 1:18 am
I get home today, and what do I find in the mail? A letter from some attorney saying I owe over $1000 to my old apartment complex! I haven't lived there in six goddamn months, and hadn't even gotten a notice from the old apartment bitches saying I owed them anything. Seems my old roommate wasn't paying the rent when I gave him my half of the money to turn in to the office. That motherfucker is hiding out in the Air Force right now, but when he gets out in a coupla weeks, I'm gonna find him and introduce him to his maker. That's right, David, your ass is as good as grass, bitch, so get ready to be recycled like the compost pile you are.

So to honor of this goddamn fool who is screwing me out of my life, I proclaim this day officially "Kill the Deadbeat Roommate Day." All you people out there, watch your backs when you move in with someone, even if you're good friends with them. They may just be the puck that ruins your credit record that you tried so hard to keep clean for so long.

Goddammit.

Wednesday, October 06, 1999

Drivers Wanted -- Captain Terror @ 8:30 pm
Damn!! I just got off the freeway and I have one question, why do they even bother to put blinkers on a womans car? They never use them anyway. And put away your damn make-up.

Playstation 3? -- Sharkey @ 5:15 pm
According to this Register article, Sont plans to ship the Playstation 3 by 2002. It will sport a new Emotion Engine, cleverly (pfft) titled "Emotion Engine 2". The article states that Emotion Engine 2 is slated to appear in 2002 and will contain some 50 million transistors. Its successor, known by the ambiguous moniker Emotion Engine 3, will sport half a billion transistors shoehorned onto the die by a 0.1 micron process. BTW, Slice of the Day is coming soon, so hold your ass.

Stimulus...Response... -- Sharkey @ 4:29 pm
Well, I seem to have hit the nail on the head with my post about MTV, if you haven't read my rant, I suggest you do so. To let you all know, I was completely serious about this Internet revolution. We CAN take them little girls down my friends, we just need the ammunition. Does anybody know how many votes it would take to get a vid into the #1 spot? Let me know if you do.

Together, my friends, we can end this tyranny of crap. We can do it, but we're going to need re-enforcements. I implore anyone, MTV haters, webmasters, or anyone with a voice to help stand up against the rising tide of shit! WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE! SAY NO TO MTV!! WHOS WITH ME?!??!?

Edju-ma-cation -- Nick @ 3:31 pm
Today I told all my friends at school that I was officially a Bad Ass Motherfucker. I was subsequently punched in the face with great force three times, and while I was bleeding on the hallway floor someone said, "Who's the bad ass now?"

Like I said, I've been looking for colleges. The best spots IMHO are the US News site, the Princeton Review page. The latter will even tell you about what the homework load and party life is like at most schools. Why doesn't that bitch Bence get an education and make something of himself? His parents should have heard this guy speak. I'm sorry, that was mean. I take it back. I just wanted to fit in with the crowd and make fun of somebody.

Gundam article -- Sharkey @ 2:38 pm
Sweet Christmas! Did somebody say Gundam article? Damn skippy. Anyone who isn't Gundam proficient should have themselves a look-see at the article. Unfortunately it doesn't provide much of a look into the sweet-ass animation, but it will wise you up to one of Japan's most famous and oldest series. Of course, this is just more of a reminder that I haven't done an anime review in months. I am a lazy bastard.

Another response -- wrongforum @ 2:31 pm
I tried not to, but I need to say something in defense of myself. It seems that there is some misconception to what I am to this site. First off, I don't consider my posts to be filler, which is what Theseus implied. Second off, I don't consider myself to be the equal with Sharkey, or the rest of the gang for that matter, that has been here since BAMF’s inception. Hey, it's their show, they made the show, and they break the show. I'm just along for the ride, hoping to put my two cents in wherever and whenever I feel like it. If you visit the site for wacky drunken adventures, you've got your fair share. I don't even have a Denny's in my town to act rowdy at, so I can't help you there. However, we do have a coupla Waffle Houses...

Besides, I don't give a rat's ass about what happens on somebody else's web site. If I'm not mistaken, I post at badassmofo.com, and the list ends there. And if you think I'm a shitty poster, then it's shit you'll keep seeing till the man drops my posting rights.

-end of post-

Tuesday, October 05, 1999

Doing a double take -- Sharkey @ 11:41 pm
So I'm cruising around the sites on the sidebar, and I come to Brain Damage. I notice that they've got a new poster named Complication, who is none other than our favorite (or least favorite?) Canuck, doug. Now, he spoke the truth, there were no hard feelings, and nobody got booted. His quitting was a surprise to me, I figured he would quit months ago. doug had some words about the site, and why he quit. Have a look:

Toss the simplicity and limited view of "pie 'n badassness" to the side, and find somewhere with a bigger scope of the world.

What's better than getting with the hottest and most popular girl in school? Getting her, being with her, and then dumping her in front of the world. And that is why.

I know, it's only rock and roll -- wrongforum @ 11:09 pm
Monday night is gonna be awesome. One of my favorite roots rock bands Vigilantes of Love (I know, it's a kinda goofy name, get over it) is playing at my college for free. They have to be one of my favorite live bands, because that lead guitarist can play like a goddamn psycho. And some of my friends are gonna open for them, which is cool, seeing how they got a guy how used to play with Dylan to help them along. If any readers live near Nashville, TN, or are just passing through that day, you should really stop by. It'll kick your ass and call you charlie.

On that note, I've seen In the last few months more and more hard rock bands come into the mainstream (Limp Bizkit, Korn, Staind), and older rock bands finally putting out new stuff (Filter, STP, Chris Cornell, NIN). I will have to say IT'S ABOUT GODDAMN TIME. If I hear one more band of 12 year old boys croon about their lost love and shit, I'm gonna yank my ears off and flush them down the toilet, where they will feel at home with all that fecal butter.

Oh, and Sharkey, nice slice today. That first pic could make a man weep teeth.

-end of post-

My bands are dying... -- Sharkey @ 10:54 pm
And MTV is the killer. I was flipping through the channels the other day, and happened upon TRL on MTV. The only reason that I stopped was the new Blink video. And if you haven't seen it, I highly reccomend it. Not my favorite song off the album, but still a funny-ass video. Now, then some dude pops into the window and makes his lame-ass comments, and then the scrolling viewer requests start rolling by. And they catch my eye, because they all say (basically) the same thing: "Please play Blink 182's All the Small Things because the lead singer is SOOOOOO HOT!!!" -- Dumb bitch, MA. Now first off, let me explain something. Tom Delonge is not the damn lead singer. Mark Hoppus is not the lead singer either. They just don't have one. Now, then there's the obvious "SOOOO HOT!!!" line. They're parodying the same stupid boy-bands that these retarded 14 year olds are comparing them to. Damn MTV for bringing one of my favorite bands to the masses. Why? Because now they're everybody's band, including the tards.

See, about 2 years ago, when Dude Ranch was still relatively new, Wags and I bought tickets to see Blink and Reel Big Fish play at the Bren Events Center in Irvine. We bought the tickets 2 days after they went on sale, and it was one of the best shows I've ever seen. (With the exception of sitting through the Aquafags and Cherry Poppin' Daddies first). Then last week I hear about Blink playing at the Bren with Unwritten Law, and I go to get tickets and find that they're sold out five minutes after they went on sale! Know who bought them? Stupid 14 year old girls, and scalpers. Maybe I wouldnt mind so much if it was people who appreciated their music, but I know that all the Blink fans at the last concert were screwed because of little girls, and greed.

Now, I'm not pissed about Blink making it big. People say that they're sellouts, and talk shit, but those people are tards. Take this for example: Blink 182 is endorsed by Hurley clothes and Black Flys. People say "Now that they've hit it big, they're sellouts! Fuck them!" Well here's a news flash, from Cheshire Cat up to the latest album, they were endorsed by Billabong, and numerous other companies. They weren't big, they were just getting free clothes to wear onstage, and money for doing it. If Vans told me that they'd pay me to wear their free shoes, damn skippy I'd be lacin' up the profits! See, people have taken the word "sellout" the wrong way. Let's see if I can come up with a reasonable definition. How about: "The act of sacrificing one's personal standards, art, or morals for the sake of monetary compensation." There, I like it. They didn't change. Their latest album was still good, still the same punk rock band from the previous albums, and the videos are definitely non-conformist. So how can you still sit there and call them sellouts? They haven't done anything you wouldn't do.

So, by that theory, is MTV to blame for all the little teenybopper videos being forced-fed into your home? Are they "selling out" to the highest bidder? Maybe some, but they aren't solely to blame. Is it the companies who mass-produce these blonde-haired New Kids on the Block knockoffs? Again, perhaps some of the blame lies here, but not all of it. They're just submitting to the "supply and demand" theory. No, I think the real people to blame are ourselves. If we want to stop this rancid pile of dung, we have to stop it. Unfortunately we can't just put all the 14 year old bitches who have posters of the Backstreet Boys on their walls into a big blender, because Federal Laws prohibit it. No, we have to rise above the pile of crap videos that they show, and vote for something else. These teenyboppers seem to outnumber all other voters by an astonishing amount, but they're not infallible. I say we start an Internet revolution here. We pick a video by an artist or group with some ethics, and vote it into the #1 spot. Or better yet, we'll pick 10, and flush all the shit down the toilet.

You too can make a difference my friends, who's with me?

Hard Time -- Captain Terror @ 8:42 pm
I just heard something on the news about prison inmates complaining about the way they are being treated by guards and other inmates. The news cast said, "some inmates even fear for their lives". Now stop me if you already know this, but if you don't want to go to jail, DON'T COMMIT ANY CRIMES!!! Isn't that reasonable? I mean if you don't want to have to worry about waking up with a size 7 poop shoot and a guy named Bubba sitting next to you, don't do anything illegal. I don't know, I just thought that was a given.

There are days that suck... -- Sharkey @ 7:53 pm
Then there are days when you get one of those annoying forwarded messages, and it actually contains something interesting:

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my 'life'." --Alfred D Souza

Damn, I'm Busy -- Bud @ 7:07 pm
I just got back from the Colorado River on Sunday, had a great time. Got to ride a couple Jet Skis and drank a shitload of beer and Jack. Like Sharkey and Mabs I am also looking for a new place to live. Anyhooo, just want to touch on a few things.

1. Matt Pinfield has been gone from MTV for at least two months. Which sucks I might add.

2. Hello to all the new members of the BAMF family.

3. I'm working on the next music review.

4. Sharkey, Billy Ray and myself are going to the Family Values tour on the 23rd. Full reports will insue.

Thats all for now, peace out!

Reasoning -- Sharkey @ 5:07 pm
Well, I was reading Theseus' comments over at Solo, and I thought I should let everyone know why I hire other people. For one, I'm not Bence. I have a life, a job, and stuff to do besides be on this machine. Secondly, I'm the only person who posts every day. What happens if I go on vacation, or have to go to work early and stay late (like the last 2 weeks). Nothing gets posted, that's what. Think anyone else would cover? Nope. Lastly, I like having other people write stuff here. It makes me feel like I run an actual site instead of a damn diary or some shit.

But I can make a deal. So far there are two new main page posters, and one only plans on being here for a week. If they don't work out, I promise I won't ever hire another poster, at least none that I don't personally know. But you guys have gotta give the new guys more than a damn day before you start complaining. Hell, I think if I started posting under a new name some people would be like "Fire the new guy! He sucks!" So give them a chance, or I'll kick your ass. Especially if you're French.

Rooshy-ness -- Sharkey @ 4:55 pm
Hey, RooshNet is starting to act like it's old self again. I was all bummed when it started going the way of Geeklife, distancing itself from a "scene" (hate calling it that) which it helped create. But now Roosh seems to be lightening up on the whole "news site" feel. Let me put it this way, if I wanted a news site, I'd go to a damn news site. I want stinging commentary, wit, and entertainment, dammit.

Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 4:42 pm
Ahhh, good to say that again. Today's slice is one of my favorites, Rebecca Romjin, although her life choices (ie: her husband) have not shown much in the intelligence department. Oh well, who said she needed any with a body like this:

Splat -- Sharkey @ 4:37 pm
Now, I know a lot of you have probably seen this pic before, but this here, has got to be the best tagline for it I have ever seen. Thanks to Jen.

PS2 with cable modem? -- Sharkey @ 1:41 pm
According to Showbizdata, the Playstation 2 may not be limited to 56K connections as was previously announced. Sony Computer Entertainment president Ken Kutaragi has told Nikkei Industrial Daily that he expects consumers will be able to download electronic games and music from Sony's record labels before the end of the year. "We have already created a superb content archive for online distribution," Kutaragi said. "E-distribution is no longer a dream. ... When PlayStation2 is connected to broadband (cable) networks, immediately several thousand software titles (games and music) will be accessible." Sweeeet. That means faster multiplay as well. Is Sony trying to replace the PC? Sure seems like it.

Gary Coleman news -- Sharkey @ 1:14 pm
I gotta give a big shout-out to Schlyer for this one. As you all know, Gary was booted for his lack of work and his incessant greediness. Well, Smoking Gun has got tons of info on Gary's bankruptcy. Sad really, we were supposed to go paintballing with the little bastard.

Matt Pinfield gets canned, no one asks me -- wrongforum @ 12:05 am
This past Sunday I was watching the old war-horse, 120 Minutes, on MTV (which is the only damn show worth listening to on that channel). So it's coming on, and I'm thinkin' my boy Matt Pinfield is gonna be hosting the show like he has for the last two years. But lo and behold, there's another rotund man that has taken his place, trying to act all cool and shit.

Now anybody with sense knows that Matt Pinfield is the best for that show he could goddamn name every guy playing every instrument on every album in the last thirty years. Some no-name band from Boon Docks, Indiana could come on that show and he'd rattle off their mothers' maiden names and how old they were. That man is a frickin music maniac, which is all you can ask from someone carries such a pretentious title as "VJ". Then I realize, "Damn! He's not hosting any shows anymore!" Matt got the boot, and nobody even asked me if it was alright.

P.S. I do understand that he played a short stint as Judge Wapner in a Limp Bizkit video. It's a cryin shame.

-end of post-

Monday, October 04, 1999

Slice o' the Day -- Mox @ 11:29 pm
I find your lack of pie disturbing.

And I find your Mom's ass disturbing. Don't worry, I was out house-huntin' today, so I didn't have time. Tomorrow we'll get back to normal SotD updates. --Sharkey

Welcome to the fold -- wrongforum @ 8:48 pm
Hello, boys and one girl. I'm one of the new posters here, so hold onto your girlfriends. Sharkey and Mabs went through all the applications with one thought in mind: "Boy, doug was a dilweed. We need to get someone who doesn't gnaw ass." So there you have it. I am the anti-doug. Actually, I don't think he was all that bad, I'm just supposed to badmouth my predecessor. I think it's a law in Canada.

-end of post-

Newbie -- Nick @ 7:20 pm
I wasn't really applying for a permanent position, maybe just a weeklong stint on BAMF. We'll see how it goes. I'm so damn busy with looking for colleges and filling out applications, it's insane. Wait, I'm not supposed to talk about my personal life. "Nobody cares." But here's a backgrounder. Go down to midway through the page and read the one in bold that says "Blond Ambition".

http://www.amcity.com/atlanta/stories/1999/10/04/tidbits.html

The funny thing is that I never talked to this lady and was only informed of this article's existence through a neighbor who saw it. At least it's accurate, all except for the baby-faced part.

Until next time.

For all of you who don't know, Nick here runs Piemovie.com, and he has touched Nadia (Shannon Elizabeth). You may all bow to him now. --Sharkey

Laziness rules -- Sharkey @ 6:25 pm
So today was yet another "place-to-live" hunting day. Haus' lease won't be a problem, so we're lookin' around and we end up deciding on a place about 100 yards from Mabs' current residence. Oh yeah, that'll be tough on him. Then we start discussing cleaning the place, and I suggest just getting a damn maid. I'd rather give 20 bucks a month than clean for one day.

And so it begins -- Sharkey @ 11:03 am
Well, the submission contest is over. If we didn't contact you, sorry. There were an assload of good submissions this time, but there were just a few phenominal ones. Thanks to everyone who entered, you actually made Mr. Mabs work for a change.

There's going to be some additions to the site real soon. We've got new news posters, FilmBoy is going to be doing something with the movies section, and Billy Ray is going to be taking over the Rants section. Throw in some new gaming posters and you've got yourself a party. Who's bringin' the beer?

Sunday, October 03, 1999

Sony Co-founder Morita Dies -- Sharkey @ 9:15 pm
You know, I was all bummed until I realized that it wasn't lovable Pat Morita, of Happy Days and those wonderful Karate Kid movies. Nope, it was Akio Morita, honorary chairman and co-founder of Sony, that died at 78 earlier today.

The Triad has assembled -- Sharkey @ 8:56 pm
And the Triad has spoken. Any time the Triad comes together, major site decisions are made. Looks like I've got a lot of work to do. Oh, and we got some of the best reader submissions ever. We have decided on those which we have deemed most worthy, and now these writers will test their mettle in an all-out steel-cage fight to the death! Oh, wait... no they won't. Damn, I was lookin' forward to bloodshed.

Anyway, looks like we're sending one or two of them to the gaming section, and perhaps the others will reside here on the news page. Also, big plans with the movie section, and the near-comatose Rants section. Boo-Yah. Oh, and if anyone has seen Lucky, please let him know that he's a lazy, lazy bitch. Thank you.

Sporks for all! -- Sharkey @ 3:52 pm
Dig it! Have a look at Spork.org! Who didn't have to eat with these lame pieces of shit in school? I particularly hated when the prongs would break off into your food, and then you'd get a mouthful of plastic. Click here for the greatest spork sound ever.

FF8 shite -- Sharkey @ 1:12 pm
OK, I finally got some time to play, and I got through the first disc. Can I ask one question? Is every friggin' guy in this game a puss? GAAH! Squall is all, "I don't wanna die!", and Zell is cryin' because he opened his big trap and almost got his school aced, and Irvine (named after my hometown for years) is an absolute pussy. The only hope is that Seifer, or one of the other guys in the game becomes a badass, because there's nothing but women and pansies on my team. Sad.

Leaked MS e-mail reveals evil plot -- Sharkey @ 12:37 pm
Well, not quite evil, but it got your attention didn't it? According to this Register article, a leaked e-mail revealed that Microsoft uses it's charitable contributions to bolster it's public image. Now, I sit and think about this for a sec, and realize, why the Hell else would they do it? Now sure, we can all give money to charities for the good of humanity and whatnot, but businesses do it for:

A. Good tax writeoff
B. Good PR

Anyway, have a look at that article, its a good example of how people like to jump all over the "evil empire".

Saturday, October 02, 1999

Fugly -- Sharkey @ 9:22 pm
This is phenominal. Head over to Fugly.net and have yourself a good laugh. Sorta like R33T.org's Netpimp archive, but more hideous.

Ask and ye shall receive... -- Sharkey @ 5:23 pm
HA-HA! This one's for you Haus. Boo-Yah. And I don't know what Haus scored on the Badass Test, but you can bet I'll be asking. Don't get me wrong though, Haus is a damn good guy, and I'm sure he'll get a kick out of his award.

Although, don't get me started on the awards Mabs should be getting.

Movin' on up -- Sharkey @ 2:00 pm
I'd like to take this opportunity to ask RegBarc of Ramblings to give my buddy Haus the Screw Up of the Day award. Why you ask? Well let me fill you in.

See, I'm supposed to be moving this month with Mabs, his gf, and Haus. This was planned around a month ago, so there's been plenty of time to get everything squared away. Until yesterday, when Haus actually looks at his lease for his current place and realizes that it doesn't end until December. Oops.

Glad that's done...for now. -- Sharkey @ 1:50 pm
Whew, I've had a lot of shit to do at work lately, so I haven't been able to post much. But that's done now, its time to return to your regularly scheduled programming. Like new writers, new posters, new sections, updated sections, and of course, pie.

Friday, October 01, 1999

Bond, James Bond -- Sharkey @ 5:37 pm
*Insert Mission Impossible theme*

Boo-Yah, there be some covert shit goin' on round here.

Nerd Test -- Sharkey @ 1:18 pm
Go take it here. My score:

Your score is: 185
Your rating is: 28.17%

BOO-YAH! -- Sharkey @ 11:07 am
Heh-HA! I'm goin' to Family Values in a few weeks baby. Sweeeet. Limp, Filter, Method Man & Red Man, kickass. Also there's Primus and Crystal Method, they may put on a good show.

Uuooogh... -- Sharkey @ 2:48 am
Must....have....sleep....

Must...wake up....at 10AM..... With 10 hours sleep this week under my belt. I think I'm going to pass out now. Somebody remind me to update the links page and the staff page tomorrow. Oh, and you have 24 hours to send your submission to me or Mabs. So hurry it up, chumpy.

Old News for September

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