This Android Dreams of a Rape Whistle
FaaQ sent me a link which details the life of a brilliant 34-year-old robotics expert who has created his perfect android dream girl. It’s probably a good thing that he can program her reactions, because a normal girl would probably complain about his massive debt, the fact that he lives with his parents, or that he prefers fucking a large pile of plastic and wires.
Aiko, whose age is ‘in her early 20’s’, is 5ft tall and has a perfect 32, 23, 33 figure.She has real silicone skin and a real-hair wig made by a Japanese doll company. Her touch sensitive body knows the difference between being stroked gently or tickled.
‘Like a real female she will react to being touched in certain ways,’said Le.
I bet she does. His next big project is getting his incredibly expensive real-doll knockoff to walk, which can only end in her walking her ass right out the front door. Nobody wants to be the girlfriend of a broke nerd living with his parents in Canada, not even if you program them to.
Zombies Hate Clothing
Really? There’s a nude Zoey mod for Left 4 Dead? Really?
If you’re curious what it looks like in-game (and how Zoey maintains her landscape) here’s a video, you pervert. Pixelated naughty bits always make me nostalgic for downloading porn in the days before 56K modems.
Because it’s vapor, motherfucker, and you can’t grab vapor. Unless you have a containment unit of some sort, then I guess it’s possible, but still unlikely.
Oh right, and apparently Duke Nukem is not dead. At least, not according to 3D Realms CEO Scott Miller, who doesn’t know the meaning of the word dead. But that’s more a commentary on his level of education than his determination to make this unnecessary franchise successful again.
I’m not even going to bother summarizing what’s going on in that link, because it doesn’t matter. The games are never coming out and even if they do, nobody will give a shit. Like we need a one-dimensional character spouting ripped off quotes in oh-thank-Christ-for-yet-another first person shooter. Duke’s been dead for a long time, Miller and his employees just keep flogging him like he isn’t.
Zelda Reorchestrated Project Complete
If you haven’t heard about the Zelda Reorchestrated project, it’s probably because you’re an asshole and nobody likes you. The team over at ZREO have been putting together a complete reorchestration of the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time soundtrack. They’ve slowly been releasing the album song by song for about six years, but now that it’s complete you can sit back and enjoy all of the sweet tunes of OoT performed by live artists. I’m halfway through it now and it’s a must-download for any hardcore Nintendophiles out there.
It seems that as of this post, their official site is down, so if you want the album you’re going to have to use the (legal) torrent at Torrage or PirateBay.
Side note: I laughed my ass off at the accordion on Lon-Lon Ranch.
I also recommend the ZREO team’s Zelda Soundscapes albums, especially if you imbibe in mind-altering substances. The ambient noises amidst the music might cause you to grab that sword you bought at Comic-Con 8 years ago and go hide in a broom closet. You can find the first volume at Megaupload and the third volume at Rapidshare. If anyone knows of a solid mirror for the second, I’d greatly appreciate it.
‘Kick-Ass’ Hit Girl Red Band Trailer
Thanks to Halfazedninja for pointing out that this new red band Kick-Ass trailer featuring Hit Girl existed.
This movie gets me all excited in my nether regions, and not because underage girls are using words like “cunt.”
Kick Ass Is An Appropriate Name
If you haven’t heard of Kick-Ass, the flick is based off of an excellent Mark Millar comic by the same name, and I’m hoping that it does the series justice. Don’t let the trailer discourage you, it’s going to be hilarious. Here’s some proof:
And because there are a couple more videos, I’m going to go ahead and use the nifty “Read More” feature. The least you can do is humor me and click on it.
Read the rest of this entry »
Frankentits Is Back In Action
Wait… would that be Frankentits are back in action? I mean its a nickname, but they directly reference her two… nevermind. Tara Reid was in Playboy, which seems like a terrible, terrible idea when you consider her horrifically mangled mammaries. Thankfully, she seemed to have some emergency Photoshop surgery prior to this shoot. I’ve used geometry and her American Pie co-”star” Jason Biggs’ head to illustrate my point:
It seems that Ms. Reid’s nipples have diminished along with Biggs’ career, though not in equal proportions. If they were shrinking in tandem, Tara’s tits would be bald and the single-toned alien look that the Playboy airbrushers were going for would be complete.
Oh Hai Iron Man 2 Trailer
The Iron Man 2 trailer is online in HD over at Apple, in case for some ridiculous reason you’ve come here three days after I’ve posted this and have not yet seen it. Get with the times, you out-of-touch bitch.
Finally, I Can Get Onboard With Twilight
If you’re like me, and God help you if you are, you have a severe case of loathing for any and all things Twilight related. Well, except for the Rifftrax version of that first flick, which was brilliant. It’s not so much the glittering vampires, the terrible acting, or that Pattinson kid’s hair (though those things make me recoil with my sternest frown) but the fact that this bitch author has made mountains of cash off of what amounts to a Harlequin romance novel with better marketing.
These bullshit vampires are the perfect men, they’re the best looking people in school, super strong (so as to protect you from runaway vans) and when they get a high school crush, it’s for fucking life. But hold on ladies, don’t worry about this bastard getting too clingy, he’s flighty and mysterious enough to keep you pining for him, and the times you do spend with him are either intensely passionate or filled with panties-moistening danger. Fat house-fraus love that shit.
But now, I finally have a reason to appreciate this series. In case you hadn’t heard, there’s a fourth book out called “Breaking Dawn.” And in this book, my friends, the main chick Bella and her vampire boyfriend get married, honeymoon on his private tropical island, and he fucks her unconscious. No shit, to the point that her business is left badly bruised. Then he gets her pregnant, the baby kicks so hard it breaks her ribs and severs her spine, and when it gets delivered by emergency vampire-tooth C-section, the werewolf guy falls in love with it at birth.
These are only the highlights of the story, I highly recommend you check out the full rundown over at CHUD, which elaborates in hilarious detail. If the end result of this ridiculous series is a flick where Kristen Stewart gets banged so hard she nearly dies, and gets her spine kicked out by her own halfbreed baby, I’m in. Those two things alone secure my ten fifty on opening night.
So Long, Sidetalkin’
Nokia Officially Announces Death of the N-Gage
And in other shocking news that should have been released in 2004, the housing market is about to collapse and the Red Sox are about to break the curse.
