You know who needs a better fucking agent? Katherine Heigl, that’s who. I was just discussing her with Billy Ray and Bolt over the weekend, and I remembered back to a day when she was probably 14 or 15 and I just knew she was going to grow up to be a smoking hottie. And I was right. Goddammit I was right. But look at her career post-”Roswell”. You know where it is? I’m going to give you a hint: it stinks like ass, is pale white, and it eats shit for a living. And no, it’s not Fiona Apple.

She’s going to be in the made-for-TV sequel to Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion. Tell me she doesn’t need a new agent, and keep a straight face. You’d have to be a cremated corpse to lie like that, you bastard.

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