But you said... -- Jacko @ 3:21 pm I was organizing some of the MP3s on this machine, and I came across this little gem from the days of wayback—almost guaranteed to brighten anyone's day. Note: I suck at the internet, so if this doesn't work, send me e-mail or something.
Employees at the Jim Beam bourbon distillery are getting sour over restrictions on bathroom breaks.
Workers on the bottling line are fuming about being limited to four breaks per 8 1/2 hour shift, only one of which can be unscheduled. Extra trips to the bathroom can result in reprimands. Workers with six violations can be fired.
Hmm, if I worked at a bottling plant at which my employer refused me the opportunity to take a leak, I'll give you three guesses as to where it would end out. And it wouldn't be my pants.
A computer software consultant who responded to a jury summons by demanding $100 an hour for his services showed up for duty Monday, after a judge's warning compelled him to lower his rate. Williamson, of San Antonio, was called in to be part of the jury pool for a seven-week trial. He sent the court an invoice for $16,800 for "court-ordered professional services for the entire month of August 2002."
He also warned officials that the bill would start accruing interest if not paid by the end of August.
And then came the topper: "If you would like to meet and discuss this, please have his honor call and schedule an appointment."
I could waste both of our time explaining what a shitbird this guy is, but, the response from U.S. District Judge Fred Biery is much more entertaining:
"The Court is happy to accommodate Mr. Williamson's suggestion for an appointment," Biery's faxed response read. "Mr. Williamson is hereby ordered to appear ... to show cause why he should not be held in contempt of the court and jailed accordingly."
Too bad slapnuts doesn't watch enough Law and Order to know that the only people on earth with larger egos than consultants are judges. It is not a good practice to fuck with a man that can throw your ass in jail for looking at him funny.
Top Japanese prophylactic manufacturer Sagami Industries Co. has unsheathed the latest weapon in its already formidable armory. Marketed by Ii Project, which refers to it as a "world's first revolutionary product," it's a condom that apparently vibrates slightly by drawing on the body's ki, it's life-giving energy source. And it's apparently selling like hotcakes.
What the product promises, then, is enhanced feeling maintained for a longer time when compared with the normal condom. Top porn actor Takashi Kato can see its benefits.
"It's perfectly feasible that people could use such an item and truly feel that they have greater staying power or an improvement in sensation," he tells Shukan Post. "What you probably find is that it acts as a sort of mental crutch for guys who have little confidence in their technique or staying power."
Perhaps I'm reading this article wrong. Is this supposed to give advanced pleasure to her or him? It sounds like it makes him happier, while prolonging the staying power at the same time. Seems like an oxymoron to me.
Either way, I call bullshit. If only a certain percentage of people say that they noticed a difference, then you can equate it's effects to those obviously bullshit dick enlarger pill ads that come in 100 SPAM messages per day. The poor guy sits there taking the pills, measuring, taking the pills, measuring, and so on until he psychologically convinces himself that his dinky wang is slightly less diminutive. Give it up, dinky wang man. My advice is to start playing games with those LURPS chumps. If you do get any tail, which is doubtful, it will be with one of the fat LURPS chicks who wouldn't know a decent lay from a ride on an imaginary horse. Besides, your only competition or possible comparison will be the other LURPS geeks, who's combined sexual prowess likely stops at right clicking and mildly arthritic wrists.
Satan Invites You To This AIM Chat! -- Sharkey @ 2:12 pm If the bidding war on this AIM name isn't a load of bullshit, then I'm afraid humanity has spent it's last ounce of credit with the Sharkey Bank Of Patience. Within two weeks you will all receive your jury-duty style summons notifications, with the directions and appointment times for your arsenic showers. Don't worry, the tingle means its working.
Spaghetti Western Friday -- Sharkey @ 3:17 pm The Good: I'm getting off work right now. The Bad: It's so I can see the dentist about pulling my wisdom teeth. The Ugly:BLEH.
Update: Well, I'm one tooth and a couple hundred bucks thinner. Maybe it's time to look for a side job that's got dental benefits.
It was over pretty quick, except the ten minutes that I spent on the phone with my bank, just after having my mouth deliciously numbed up. Thankfully it wasn't one of my front teeth being pulled, or I might have slobbered all over the receiver. After figuring out that either my card had been magnetized within the last three hours, or that my dentist was a complete moron (just the thought you want running through your head as he shoves metal objects into your gaping maw) we were back on track. The process took all of 2 minutes.
I did, however, get a few of the guy's (unsolicited) cards. Apparently he wants me to plug him to my friends and family. Anyone want to know the name of a dentist who can't effectively use a credit card machine?
One last thing, I'd like to thank 1-800 DENTIST for their reccomendation of a dental facility. Aside from being two towns away and in the center of the slummiest Mexican (ie: all signs in Spanish) part of an already Mexican town, there were a remarkable amount of vagrants and unsavory skanks wandering around pandering for one thing or another. I'm not racist or anything, it's just not a spot that we crackers usually roam into. Probably because the drive-thru attendants (unbelievably) speak less English than they do here. See, the benefit of this locale was that I was too concerned for my new car stereo to worry about things like broken teeth, pain, or mishaps from Dr. Credit Ineptness, DDS. Kudos to you, 1-800-DENTIST. You've thought of everything.
Does He Play With Himself? Wait, No, I Meant... -- Sharkey @ 12:28 pm You know, I love the game o' Scrabble. It's especially grand when you turn it into a drinking and or stripping version of itself. But no matter how good you are, you probably don't rack up the kind of scores that the new world champion can put on the board. But when you take a look at the guy and the life he leads... do you want to?
Sherman lives in the Bronx borough of New York City and said he hasn't held a regular job in more than a decade. He won the world Scrabble championship in 1997.
"This is all I do," he said. Sherman plans to use the $25,000 prize money for living expenses.
Hmmm... I wonder how I would best classify this fellow. Let's let those who know him best, the Scrabble tiles, decide his fate.
The tiles have spoken, and their speech is worth 30 points with the triple word score.
Visually identify over 150 different types of landmines. An easy to use, graphic based system allows you to quickly determine critical information about any mine. Includes scaled drawings and detailed descriptions including size, weight, fuse type, and explosive content/type. Sort mines by type, characteristics, or country of origin.
And, not only is it theoretically useful, say, for impressing people at cocktail parties, LT. Joseph Danilov (surprisingly, or not, the only reviewer) had this to say:
"This is a great app. A must have for a NATO peacekeeping units stationed over-seas. I am no demolition expert but this manual was worth its weight in gold about 2 weeks ago. A 7 year old afghan child had found a M-22 AP mine, a.k.a. stepped on. The manual identified this mine and I defused it. Thank you very much to the maker of this application."
That almost sounds believable (not really, but go with it) until you read the last line:
"Go Army www.army.com"
Damn recruiters, they made this up just like they made up all that crap about money for college. MineFinder 1.2: Army of One.
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The fact that they use the term "unsheathed" to describe 
