Category: News

Why is it that my stupid customers feel the need to lighten their personal loads when it comes to me giving them support for their websites? In the last week alone (I shit you not) I have heard the following phrases, just in general conversation:

“I’m on a lot of pain medication right now, so I’m a little out of it.”
“I started having hot flashes this week, so I’m a little out of it.”
“My wife’s leaving me, so I’m a little out of it.”

Seriously, I’ve never met you. Why do you feel the need to ask me to play psychotherapist when I’m just a guy who makes stupid websites and pretty pictures?

And why don’t we host any female porn stars’ official websites? If I’m going to hear about some personal problems, they may as well be interesting. Although that first call about genital warts would be rough…

I was at the movies the other day (no, really?) and saw a poster for this movie and I think that the title says it all. However, the disclaimer on the site I think is a lie.

Ten to one says that it’s one of those Flash movies that’s been somethingawfuled or farked into the ground, but I don’t give a shit. I’m hopped up on medication, and I says it’s funny.

[ Police Investigate Hamster Driving Toy Car ]

British detectives are investigating the mystery of a hamster found driving a toy racing car along a promenade at a northern seaside resort, newspapers said on Saturday.

The hamster, nicknamed Speedy, was handed in by a member of the public who found him cruising through Cleveleys, near Blackpool in the modified toy, which he powered by a treadmill.

“In the center is a typical hamster wheel you can buy at any pet shop… As the hamster went round and round it powered the car along at high speed.”

Show of hands, quick show of hands here. Who in the class has not ever tried to modify an animal or electrical device by attaching one to the other? And it doesn’t count if you didn’t own a pet. And if you were the shitheel next door who tortured someone else’s animals, you can kiss my ass. Buy your own dog, you twisted little bastard. What you did was for the purposes of evil. What I did was for the purpose of science. And Rover was the Beeker to my Bunson Honeydew.

No, there wasn’t much of a point to this post. I just wanted to share that picture of a hamster in a racecar. Why? Why the Hell not, you commie?

I just wanted to give you guys a heads-up on some grandiose films that just made their way from archaic VHS to the delicious DVD format this week. Save your pennies!

• Captain Ron — (There’s guerillas in them forests, chief)
• Little Big League — (Starring the kid from The Wizard! How can you go wrong?!?)
• Mr. Nanny — (Hulkamania becomes completely faggotted up)
• Monkey Trouble — (with Thora Birch, who’s boobies were seen in American Beauty)
• Suburban Commando — (that’s two Hulk Hogan flicks in one day! Sweet Jesus!)
• Surf Ninjas — (Ernie Reyes Jr. & Sr.?!? I can hardly contain my pee!)
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze — (Ice, Ice, Baby!)
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 — (Casy Jones, where were you in part II?!?)

I poke fun, but you know what the sad truth of the matter is? I’ve seen about 90% of the movies on that list.

So have you, dickhead. Don’t judge me.

This image pleases me on a completely visceral level. I have no control over it, I have no opinions on it. The picture just makes mouths happy.

Eminem + Moby = Lovin’

Seriously, that’s one multi-millionaire flipping off another multimillionaire so that people like you and I will go out and pad their multimillionaire lifestyles. Ten bucks says that they laugh about this one over a fine glass of Cristal and a couple of 16 year old nympho fangirls.

Wish your fellow man a happy Friday. I’m going to bed.

One of the biggest problems in America is that there is not enough communication about danger. Sure, those of you that have never taken a bath with a toaster might disagree, but how the fuck would you feel if you were the toaster and some asshole took you into the drink?

And take this for example:

[Help! I burned my beanbag]

Buchi, now 20, was working for park concessionaire Amfac Parks & Resorts when he and two friends — Tyler Montague of Salt Lake City and Sara Hulphers of Oroville, Wash. — took a late-night walk near the Firehole River on Aug. 21, 2000.

In unison, the trio attempted to vault what they thought was a “thin ribbon of water,” according to Buchi’s suit. It was instead a small band of vegetation growing beside Cavern Springs, one of the many notorious and deadly hot springs that dot America’s oldest national park. The three friends landed in the blistering water.

Just because it is called the fucking FIREHOLE RIVER and it runs near the mecca of all fiery shit on earth, Yellowstone, doesn’t mean that this guy should need to test the water. Where is the spontanity-fit-for-a-mentos-commercial in that? For Christ’s sake he had a bitch with him, and bitches don’t want a guy that tests the water! they want a guy that downs a sixer, crushes a can on his head, and bails naked into the water screaming “HELLO WASHINGTON!”

Of course, that guy is usually prepared to pay the price of his actions, namely by blaming it on his friend, or the alcohol. But, I do agree that we need more warning signs.

Not that I’m saying a warning sign would have helped, but it definitely would have made him look tougher for jumping. And after the burns heal, that is all that really matters.

So I’m sure a lot of you are wondering a couple of things.

1. Where the Hell did the site go
2. What’s with this slightly changed look?

Let me answer those questions in the order that they came. First, we had a bit of downtime thanks to our previous hosts, who decided to cancel BAMFs account without telling me. Why? Because the account was cancelled by me, back in February. Except instead of me, it was really some anonymous troll who looked suspiciously like David the Gnome, and instead of cancelling the account he just sat around and smoked a pipe all day long. When the hosting company saw this, they apparently took it as an immediate sign of the forthcoming apocalypse and shut down our account. At least, that’s my best estimate of the shenanigans that occurred over at our (now) former host.

The slightly altered look is due to two things. First is laziness, since I’m working my ass off at my real job and don’t have time to implement everything at the moment. Second, there’s a new layout on the way, so why bother changing it to look exactly like it did? See, it all boils down to laziness, first and foremost.

I’m glad to have the site back though, even if the server move and the redesign are being rushed now thanks to that shitheaded, pointy hat wearing troll. Expect the old staff to return, email to be back online, and the new layout soon. In that order, I’d imagine.

Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe, Bolt Boy is going to be distraught. Seems that one of his favorite people on the planet has tied the knot, effectively ending their cinematic love affair. Send the guy a box of tissues, will you?

First came “Scooby-Doo,” now comes “I do” for Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr.

The couple, who appeared together in this summer’s talking-dog comedy “Scooby-Doo,” were wed Sunday at an undisclosed location in Mexico, their spokeswoman, Leslie Sloane, said Tuesday.

That’s a shame. But this might just mean that Bolt Boy won’t drag us to every single Freddie Prinze Jr. movie that Hollywood shits out from now on.

…what? You thought he was in love with Sarah Michelle Gellar? She’s hot, I admit, and I believe he would do the same. But you have to look at sheer statistics to unravel this mystery. Ask him if he’s seen more than five episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and you’ll probably get a negative response. But ask him how many times he’s seen She’s All That, Down To You, or any other Prinze Jr. celluloid crapfest and you’ll have the easy answer.

Just weeks after I had graduated from high school, I was hanging out at the bookstore where I was working at the time. My friends Dan and Jeff were supposed to meet me there, and I was sure Dan was going to make a plea that I get back together with my ex. See, I had met this psycho-she-bitch through Dan’s girlfriend, at one of her parties. When I dumped her crazy-ass, Dan’s girlfriend became quite distraught, and nagged the Hell outta him to get us back together. Needless to say, I wasn’t going back to the she-devil, even if she sent her legion of flying monkeys to fling their feces at me.

Dan and Jeff arrived, and we were ready to take off when Dan got a page from his gf. Knowing that she’d want to pester me, I went inside the store, followed by Jeff. We bullshitted with some of my co-workers, and after a few minutes started to walk towards the door. Now, to understand the rest of this story, you’re gonna have to picture the front entrance to the bookstore. There wasn’t a wall, only numerous panes of glass, stretching from one end of the entrance to the other. The double-door entrance was surrounded by a small gold frame, with two huge arced handles to open them. From the front entrance, you can see in or out as clear as day.

So I’m standing in the vicinity of Jeff and some old lady reading the latest Tom Clancy novel off the front endcap, and we spot Dan heading towards the store from the payphones, walking uncharacteristically fast. Suddenly he hooks right, and *BAM!*, smacks face-first into a glass panel. The sound echos with a great boom all throughout the store, and the old lady screams out “OH MY GOD!” I swear that old broad pissed herself she was so scared. The pane of glass bended in with the weight against it, and seemed like it would shatter at any second. But instead it paused, and shot Dan back onto the sidewalk. The entire set of windows shook from the impact. Dan swaggers a second, attempts to regain balance, but loses it, swivels left, and plops face-first into the concrete. This all took place in a few-second period, but seemed like an eternally beautiful dance of blood and pain for poor old Dan.

We rushed outside to see how he was, and he laid on the ground, holding his face. A little trickle of blood spilled out onto the pavement, and I asked him if he was OK. He just waved us away, and I noticed that he was crying like a little baby. He starts screaming about how his nose is broken. I calmly tell him that its just a nosebleed, and that he needs to cool it. He starts bawling his eyes out and crumples into a little ball. Suddenly a crowd formed around us, and lo and behold, two chicks that we know came walking on up. One of whom, BTW , Dan had expressed interest in playin’ slip ‘n’ slide with. So they’re laughing at his dumb ass, he’s crying like a little sissy girl, and I’m crackin’ wise about his stupidity. He gets up, holding his face, runs to his car, and drives off spouting off about us being assholes. Meanwhile, I invite the two chicks to go with us to the movies, and we laugh all the way there about what a jackass Dan is.

Dan eventually forgave and forgot, but to this day there is still a stain from his nosebleed on the concrete in front of the bookstore.