Zen and the art of the zoning ordinance

by on June 10, 2003 @ 7:51 am

It’s not every day that you come across a statement that is so universally applicable that it can be used in almost every situation known to man. For example, I don’t recall coming across one yesterday. But today I did.

To save you from clicking a link to read a dull article, I have provided a dull, basically inaccurate paraphrasing of the article right here: two Amish guys buy some land that has a zoning ordinance prohibiting horses. They promptly move in with their horses, council won’t change the zoning, now they face fines.

Daniel King, one of the Amish guys heretofore referenced (lol legalspeak lol) had this to say:

“We’re living in America here. I can’t believe you can’t have a horse for religious transportation,” King said. “It makes no sense at all.”

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? That was until I realized this is the answer we have all been looking for.

store clerk: “sorry, we are out of pokemon cards”
me: “We’re living in America here. I can’t believe you can’t have a horse for religious transportation”
store clerk: *explodes*

boss: “budget is down, so that new dual xeon with 2 gb ram you needed to access the Internet won’t be approved for another two months”
me: “We’re living in America here. I can’t believe you can’t have a horse for religious transportation”
boss: *explodes*


(ed note: this is the part where I wrote up an extremely poignant argument why people shouldn’t get special treatment because of their religion la la la I’m so smart and shit. Then I deleted it. You can thank me in comments.)

Fantagraphics – We need to sell $80k

by on May 30, 2003 @ 4:47 pm

I was informed that the independent comic house Fantagraphics is at risk of bankruptcy, so they are asking that anyone interested in what they do to head on over and pick some shit up (calling or buying directly from the website is most beneficial). Now I’m not much of a comic fan, but I know some of you are, and some of the goods they have for sale look pretty interesting. I’ll be picking up Jimmy Corrigan right after I click submit.

Our former and now bankrupt book trade distributor went out of business owing us over $70,000 — which we will never see. (To add insult to injury, we learned that the owner is selling copies of our books that he should’ve returned on e-bay!) This unexpected shortfall necessitated taking out a couple loans which have now come due. In late 2001, our line was picked up by the W.W. NORTON COMPANY, who took over our bookstore distribution, and has done a magnificent job of providing us unprecedented access to the bookstore market. Inexperience with the book trade resulted in our erring on the side of overprinting our books too heavily throughout 2002, so that our anticipated profit is in fact sitting in our warehouse in the form of books. Loans must be paid in cash, not books. The only way to get out of this hole we’ve dug ourselves into is to sell those books. Which is where, we hope, you come in.

Head on over and see if there is something you might like. https://www.fantagraphics.com/

Fair, Balanced, and Mildly Retarded

by on April 30, 2003 @ 9:03 am

This just in: 2 out of 3 spam messages are fraudulent. That’s right, Foxnews has gone in-depth with the FTC to bring us this startling discovery:

Those get-rich-quick schemes and offers for herbal Viagra crowding your e-mail inbox are not just an annoyance, they’re likely illegal as well, the U.S. Federal Trade Commission (search) said on Tuesday. [Story]

Since this is something that most of us have know since aproximately ’94, and it wasn’t even interesting then, I am not going to dwell on it. I do, however, want to dwell on this:

A full 96 percent of spam touting business or investment opportunities such as work-at-home offers was deemed to be fraudulent.

The following image is a 3k clip from the front fucking page of the Foxnews website:

If stupidity was contageous we’d all be fucked.

I am Jack’s Liver

by on April 29, 2003 @ 3:23 pm

Hell, you don’t really need me to come out of hiding to say this, but seriously, who didn’t see it coming:

“I got caught up in my new lifestyle and got carried away with drugs and alcohol,” Osbourne told People magazine, which reported he entered Las Encinas Hospital in Pasadena on April 23. “Once I realized this, I voluntarily checked myself into a detox facility for my own health and well-being.” [Story]


“The shows ratings will improve if I enter a detox facility, and like the whores that we are [ed note: I mean that in a good way], we will take the money with a smile.”

See, I don’t really think that Jack needs counseling, I think that Jack needs…wait, holy fuck, I just did a google search and there are actual fan sites dedicated to the butter boy:


Wow. Anyway, as I was saying, screw rehab, all Jackie needs to do is switch to lite beer and trade his pot in for meth. That’s right Mofos, you heard it here first.

And Jack, we take paypal.

Sorry guys, she’s not a lesbian

by on April 9, 2003 @ 6:05 pm

Just got this from our soon-to-be-resident MoFo Norstrin.

[19:40] Norstrin: they make pregnant barbies (i only know this because a toys r us commercial was just on)
[19:41] BAMF Jacko: wow, so ken has a dick after all
[19:41] Norstrin: the question being: is this ‘unwanted pregnancy teenslut barbie’ or ‘ken fucked barbie up the ass and the best part ran down the crack into her crack ho box barbie’?

Valid question I suppose. It gets worse.

[19:42] Norstrin: well, at least it’ll be anatomically correct: she’ll have gramma panties

That is wrong on so many levels that I can’t really go in to right now.

You see, here is a look at the kind of shit that I’m doing right now, I am quite occupied making sure my body doesn’t decapitate itself out of sheer embarassment:

me: *dials software engineer*
me: “yea, I have a quick question about your code, you declare: blic class name {, wtf does ‘blic’ mean?
engineer: “uh, hmm, what?”
me: *realizes that my editor is scrolled over two columns, and ‘blic’ is actually public*”uh, shit.”

Hey, at least I got in on the water.

Update, even though no one has read this post yet: Apparently, the doll comes with a youngun that fits inside of her fucking tummy, complete with wedding ring:

Barbie doll’s friend,Midge, is having a baby! With this gift set, girls have everything theyneed to play out the arrival of a new baby. Baby doll fits inside Mommydoll’s tummy. When it’s nap time, baby’s changing table magicallytransforms into a rocking crib. Includes Midge doll, wedding ring,earrings and shoes plus baby plus accessories.

[20:14] Norstrin: https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000083E0C/qid=1049940831/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/104-7036713-5116703?v=glance&s=toys&n=507846
[20:14] Norstrin: it also comes in african american
[20:14] Norstrin: (i don’t think anything needs to be said about the last one, what with no male doll being included)

*Yawn* Another day, another boring rock star protests

by on April 4, 2003 @ 10:23 am

Man, it is getting hard to find ways to get your name in the news before you launch an album or a major tour. Hell, 20 years ago all you had to do was bite the head off a chicken, or make up some funny meaning for your band name that involves SATAN or something equally absurd, and POW, congressional hearing.

Unfortunately, times have changed, and not for the better. Marilyn had to grow tits, Eminem had to bring his own mother into it, and these guys think a little boo hooing on stage is going to get it for them? Pathetic.

Dozens walked out of Pearl Jam’s U.S. tour opener after lead singer Eddie Vedder took a mask of President Bush and impaled it on a microphone stand. [Story]

Hell, according to the article, the DIXIE CHICKS did basically the same thing without a mask last week, they could have at least done something original, such as bringing a BATTLE ROBOT on stage to impale the mask then shoot FIREBEAMS into the audience. Plus, when the hell is Vedder going to learn that all we want to know is when we can expect the next Ten.

“It was like he decapitated someone in a primal ritual and stuck their head on a stick,” said attendee Keith Zimmerman.

On second though, that part might have been pretty cool. Either way, I guess I now know about the tour so I can be sure to not go see it.


by on April 3, 2003 @ 10:38 am

As an American, where a good portion of the population think that guy with ‘Martin’ in his name is president, another portion think it’s that daft Al Gore, and the remaining portion can’t decide between Bush, Eminem, and the purple teletubby, it was quite strange to see a country actually agreeing not only on who is president, but seeming to actually like him.

After three months in office, leftist President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva enjoys widespread popularity, according to a opinion poll released Wednesday.

The survey by the respected polling company Ibope found that 75 percent of respondents approve of Silva’s government, while 13 percent disapprove. [Story]

Especially given the Brazilian forecast:

  • 1.5 percent economic growth last year (This doesn’t mean anything to me, but they talked like it was bad so I’ll include it)
  • 61% think inflation will rise
  • 56% feel unemployment will grow

Yet the presidents sits tight with an 80% confidence rating. Milling over this seeming incongruity, I put my finely honed investigative tools to work (I installed the Google toolbar, without the feedback of course–stealth-mode yo) to get some answers.

The economy basically sucks, 56% think more people are going to be out of jobs, how is there any room for approval in these circumstances? The answer was easier and better than I expected: BOOBIES

Exuberant breasts exposed by beauty queens at Rio de Janeiro’s Carnival or those stretching scanty bikini tops on Brazil’s beaches often have little to do with nature’s generosity.

Apart from endowing with silicone eight out of every 10 Brazilian (news – web sites) women who choose breast enlargement surgery, Silimed, as the Brazilian manufacturer is called, exports 65 percent of its output and is the world’s No. 3 supplier of breast implants.

This summer, Silimed will open a new plant capable of producing 500,000 silicone packs annually, more than three times the size of its current capacity of 150,000 pieces, as it prepares an assault on the U.S. market — the world’s biggest. [Story]

This is truly a great time to be alive, my friends, a day in which we may see the beauties of breast inflation available to the needy masses. Although there was one possibly disturbing revelation:

“They say now that a Brazilian woman goes to the dentist as often as she goes to the plastic surgeon,” she said. Silimed sells to Pitanguy and one of its models even bears his name.

I pray to the good lord that this just means they have naturally strong teeth and fluoridated water.

I vote fluoridation.

It was bound to happen

by on April 1, 2003 @ 3:05 pm

Really, it was.

Nick Snider, a retired United Postal Service executive, has founded the National Museum of Patriotism, which is being constructed in Atlanta, Ga. — and is funding the project partly with his own money.

Snider, 60, said the idea for the museum was conceived in 1996. At first he was simply looking for a place to show his 14,000-piece collection of “sweetheart jewelry” from World War II. However, he has since expanded his idea to create an entire museum of patriotic items. Many Americans would be pleased to have a museum dedicated to exhibiting pride in the United States.

“I would probably go out of my way to go to that [museum],” said ex-Marine Patrick Donnelly from Papillion, Neb. [story]

I think that the confident, patriotic statement from the ex-marine pretty much sums up my general feelings toward something of this obvious magnitude, except where he left out the “would not” part, and the “why the fuck would anyone want to see a 14,000 piece collection of anything that didn’t have pokemon on it?”.

But, not being one to blindly condemn others for what I see as a futile waste of resources, I decided to take a trip to, um, *checks article*, Atlanta, to view first-hand some of the priceless artifacts scheduled for display in the museum.

First up:THE MASK

Well, Mr. Snider obviously doesn’t believe in saving the best for last, he opened our tour by springing on me this authentic AMERICAN FLAG adorned mask. I really believe it needs no further introduction:

if you thought that was great, wait until you see the needlework:

I about pissed myself in excitement, a HAND CRAFTED plush AMERICAN FLAG dog bone.

Unfortunately, it took the remainder of my two week stay to view the remaining red white and blue pillows, curtains, and door mats that we have been drooling on and wiping our feet with all these years, but if I ever make it back, I was promised a private tour of the new bumper sticker wing!

“He sent a fairly large selection of his sweetheart jewelry collection, bracelets lockets, rings, earrings and broaches,” said River Heritage’s curator Nick Hatch. “We also have some in-service flags that flew in the windows if someone had a son serving in the military.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea,” he said, “I think it’s something long past due.”

Long past due indeed.

Curses! Foiled By The Bridges Of Madison County!

by on March 30, 2003 @ 9:33 pm

I really love it when an article supplies its own humor, it certainly lessens the daunting task of photoshopping machine guns onto robots and coming up with clever alt tags (I never come up with clever alt tags).

For example, look at this. As for the unfunny part of the article, it seems like the college MoFos from across the pond better take note and start watching what they download at school. Yea, that’s right, just go ahead and open Kazaa and unqueue WOW!!!-watch-this-bukkake-donkey-horse-sister-and-then punches her in the face.mpg. Anyway I’ve seen it, it’s not that good.

But, enough about that, look at this:

One student at a California college tripped an “electronic alarm” at Warner Bros when he downloaded a Clint Eastwood film. The company threatened to prosecute the college and the student had to write a letter of apology to Warner Bros as punishment.

hahaha, OMFG i cant breathe, busted for downloading a Clint Eastwood movie. HAHAHAHA, holy shit, if that were me, I wouldn’t apologize for shit, I’d make them take me to court.

Judge: “So it says here that you illegally obtained a Clint Eastwood movie.”
Me: “Look your honor, have you seen the shit that old man is putting out lately? Trust me, if that horrid waste of film ever came within a mile of my queue, my Internet persona would die of shame. There is no possible way this wasn’t an accident.”
Judge: “I see your point, did you see that horrible piece of shit Blood Work, man it was awful…”
Me: “Uh, no.”
Judge: “Uh, me neither. You are free to go.”

Of course I would then proceed to kill myself for being mentioned in the same context as the movie ‘Blood Work’ and mister I-direct-and-produce-so-I-can-cast-myself-with-hot-hot-young-sexxors. Here is the breakdown:

You steal a Clint Eastwood movie – You send Warner Bros a letter of apology
You buy a Clint Eastwood movie – Warner Bros sends you a letter of apology

Either way, and rightfully so, all I see are a lot of apologies.

And, in the “completely un-fucking related to anything to a point it almost counteracts anything intelligent previously mentioned” department, I present this:

By targeting universities, the music industry is bearing down on the source of some of its greatest talent. Coldplay, Britains top-selling rock group, met at University College London, an undergraduate route to fame followed by many artists.

Hmm, I missed the part where the band met through Kazaa chat. I hate to be the one to point out that illegal file sharing won’t solve world hunger, but it seems like blocking downloads would only lead to people *gasp* leaving their dorms more often and possibly meeting other real people.

And one more thing:

The industry believes that universities, which offer students unlimited access to computers, are producing a generation of fans who believe that music is a commodity available free of charge.

We all know its wrong, we just don’t care.

Ford Unveils new Focus RS WRC

by on March 28, 2003 @ 3:08 pm

Hmm, does this mean they are no longer tied with the 206 for the ugliest rally car in the WRC?

Well, at least Markko’s car will look good when the entire Citroen team (with the help of Magic Marcus) hand his ass to him in Australia.

Doesn’t matter either way, I’ll be rooting for Auriol and Gardemeister.