I Blame George Lucas, The Eternal Meddler

Clickbait: Image recognition programs hate him!

Early last year I replaced all euphemisms for taking a dump with “release the Snyder cut”, which made potty-sessions easier by imagining that those occasional prickly turds are just the new Steppenwolf outfit slouching towards my toilet to be born, painfully and repeatedly. Seems fitting to me now that it has been announced that the final product will be a singular 4-hour ordeal because, similar to a very lengthy shit, I am sure that afterwards my ass will hurt and I’ll be emotionally scarred permanently.

This “So-and-So Cut” phenomenon has gotten out of hand. It seemed funny enough at the start; back then it was just a bunch of whiny DCU fanboys (the saddest of the mainstream fandoms) lamenting that some artistically brilliant version of Justice League was withheld from the world, rather than just admitting that Warner Bros would have meddled with any version of the movie until it was a bland, boring mess (see nearly every DCU movie besides Shazam). Now that the internet used its dark powers to actually make the Snyder cut happen, we are being constantly threatened with fresh rereleases of turds that we’d already flushed, like Suicide Squad, which I can’t even critique because after seeing 15 minutes of the movie I drank myself into a fucking coma.

Fanboys are now reaching really far back in search of trash to recut and somehow a “Schumacher Cut” of Batman Forever is within the realm of possibilities. As someone who had to suffer through the original Shumacher cuts in the theater, you can all piss right off. We already got most of this content as deleted content on the DVDs, so if you are really a glutton for bat-nipples and punishment then you can just suffer through that. Alone. Forever. …that said, I would suggest watching the deleted scene of Bruce Wayne and the giant man-bat, which may or not actually exist (jump to 3:20 if you are impatient like me).

That final bit of spinning camera around the two of them face-to-face is just begging to be set to the theme from Dirty Dancing. **EDIT** Forget dreaming, I made it happen above. Enjoy my brain scrapings, internet.

Categorized as News

By Sharkey

I run bamf.

1 comment

  1. Holy shit, bamf is still going?! I was just sitting here testing my internet connection and for some reason just typed in the url, and wow. It’s nice to see that you’re still doing it, and that a choice few of my incredibly cringe “rants” from nearly 20 years ago when I was in high school are still alive. Yikes. How you livin’, Sharkey?

    I love that the pandemic has deprived us of what little quality entertainment existed and now streaming services are just scrambling to put out longer versions of shitty movies no one truly liked to begin with. That said, I personally would pay top dollar for any extended version of Batman & Robin, because it’s so astoundingly bad that I love it and watch it at least a couple times a year. Think of all the Schwarzenegger throwaway pun lines that might have been left on the cutting room floor! Amazing job on the video edit, btw. I was entertained. You really made me believe that Val Kilmer wants to fuck that giant bat.

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