Sharkey Saves The G4 Network From Itself

Anybody got the url for the death clock handy?

I’d like to take a moment to discuss the latest hot topic: the G4 Network. Now it’s plain to see that they’ve hired a former dotcom executive as their marketing strategist. Just take a look at this launch stunt. Pong 24 hours a day for an entire week? That just reeks of dead dotcom inginuity. Cute idea, but completely lacking in business feasibility. Since my local provider doesn’t carry the network yet anyway, I’m not too worried about it. What I am concerned with, however, is their choice of content. This all-games all-the-time network has been tops on geek’s want lists for years, and now that they’ve finally received such a virtual bounty, I’d like to see it succeed. And since I’ll be ruling this planet one of these days anyway, I guess I should get started on bestowing you lucky Earthlings with my plentiful amounts of artistic genius.

So the network has the essentials, yes? A previews show, a reviews show, cheats, a cute half hour where guys do stupid game related stunts, all the basic shit you’d expect. The first problem? Their news is weekly. Bullshit. There’s enough news to make it every weekday, and if there isn’t you make something up. Hell, I do it every day and I don’t get in trouble, you may as well take the idea to the tube and run with it. But the real problem I see is a lack of content. Only 14 or so shows will = serious boredom after a day or two, especially if your host talent is as bland as those Screen Saver guys. So listed below are a few ideas, free of charge, that you G4 Media guys can steal and utilize to make your network great.

  1. Do The Mario. That’s right, bring back those game-related cartoons. The Super Mario Bros. Super Show (with Legend Of Zelda every Friday), that lame-ass Pac-Man show, Captain N, all those piles of garbage. Just throw ’em all into a big nostalgia pot, set it on simmer, and call it breakfast. And once you’ve gone through an entire season, have some of your wittier staff members pull a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 with those hand-drawn piles of ass. Most of the people who will be watching the shows will be baked out of their minds anyways, so they won’t mind you taking a few liberties with some well-timed gay jokes regarding Toad. Besides, how much can the licensing fees bee for those old cartoons? Five, ten bucks? I’ll pitch in that much just so I can hear Mario say “There’s some fungus among-us!” once or twice a week.
  2. Exploited Former Celebrities. They’re doing half of this job already by hiring Wil Wheaton to be a show host, but why stop there? I say they remake that stupid show (I think it was on Nickelodeon) where they make people play videogames instead of actual physical or mental challenges. Couldn't be any worse than Big Brother.But as a twist, we make the contestants actually act out physical challenges from video games. In fact, fuck that, just get that Gauntlet arena from the now-defunct American Gladiators, and crank up the speed. Then you take obscure and hungry former celebrities and throw them in, battling it out for a wad of cash.

    How much would you love to see Jason Bateman re-enact some of the creepiest scenes from Resident Evil? Except this time you replace the lurkers with wolverines, and the zombies with lepers. Sandy Duncan can’t save you now, Teen Wolf Too. And how about that fat chick Natalie from Facts Of Life dressed like Lara Croft, dodging arrows and bloodthirsty bats while outrunning a huge boulder? Disgusting, yet safisfying family entertainment. If Fox’s Celebrity Boxing has taught us something, it’s that washed-up has-beens will do anything for money. Anything. I say you throw all that into the primetime hour and call it “Buster Poindexter’s Digital Desperation!” I’m sure Buster won’t mind, especially if you make him the host. If you do, however, make sure he dresses in a chicken suit and sips martinis. No explanation, you’ll just have to trust me on this one.

  3. Edumacation. I know it’s off the humor topic, but throw in some educational programming. Maybe basic programming, low level art tutorials, all that kinda junk contained in yummy half-hour portions. You could even have the show hosted by half naked Playmates, just to keep the user-base interested. We wouldn’t learn anything, but who the fuck cares, that hot-ass bitch just talked about NURBS! *fap fap fap*
  4. Reality Television. Yes, reality TV starring gamers will no doubt be boring, as they are usually fat, listless slobs who rarely move anything aside from their fingers and bowels. But you see, in my ingenius vision, I say we play upon that appropriate stereotype and create the “Play Your Ass Off Challenge”. Stick a group of fatties in a house for three months, with their consoles and an equal amount of Dance Dance Revolution and Nintendo’s Track N’ Field pads. The tubby bitch who loses the most weight in that timeframe will get a date with a Penthouse Pet.

    Comedy will ensue with the daily weight loss drills, where an instructor will crack the whip (literally) on these tubs of crap, forcing them to do manual labor around the house while a group of kids with learning disabilities sit in front of them playing advanced betas of games that have yet to reach the shelves. Valuable advertising and hilarity all at the same time. Good Lord, add tits that don’t belong to men and this will be the biggest cash cow of all time!

    The true comedy will ensue after hours, however. Insert a nice dedicated line of pr0n into the house, and restrict all jerkoff priveledges. Watch and chuckle as these rejects attempt to “relieve themselves” without being caught. Well, not actually watch, what are you sick? But of course, every wonton fap will bring more punishment the next day, such as removing and burning a stick of RAM from that users machine, or busting him down another two inches in screen size. I bet they’re all playing Counter Strike on Nintendo Game N Watches by the second week.

There you go G4 Network. 4 grand ideas that will save your asses from eventual cancellation. I advise you to take this list and run with it, because if your game shows are as lackluster as anything on TechTV, you won’t be around long enough to lament your unwise decisions.

Besides, I really want to see Natalie get speared in the ass with a drugged arrow. I bet she makes a noise like a dying hippo.

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By Sharkey

I run bamf.

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