The Pizza Dude Is Always Your Pal, Right?

Whatever it is that pushes a person to commit a crime, such as robbery, must have some sort of chemical effect on the brain to override the good/bad triggers of the conscience. Unfortunately, I have a theory that another chemical is released during the actual act. I call that chemical stupidium, and the effects on the criminal mind can easily be seen in the following example from USA Today:

Robble robble robbleBOSTON – Two armed suspects in a pizza parlor heist tried to pretend to be hostages as police closed in, but were outfoxed by restaurant employees. Armed suspects Johnathan Ortega, 23, and Miguel Angel Correa, 27, allegedly broke into a Pizza Hut restaurant last week, tied up employees in the bathroom and waited for a time-delayed safe to open, police said.

The plan began to fall apart after the duo released one hostage, making him promise not to call authorities. Police arrived minutes later. The suspects then tied themselves up and pleaded with the hostages to go along with the ruse. Restaurant manager Orlando Reyes, 20, wasn’t about to play along. “I said ‘I’m going to go outside and tell police officers the bad guys left and you guys were tied up with us,”’ Reyes told the Boston Herald. The men were charged with kidnapping and attempted robbery.

There are just way too many stupid criminals on this planet, wouldn’t you agree? And based on our society’s ability to find a chemical reason for every negative facet of life, (like blaming your lack of a job on ADD) one must assume that there is indeed a chemical reaction behind the absolute lack of common sense contained within the criminal mind. If you’ll take a moment to peruse this chart I’ve drawn up, you’ll see what I mean.


As you can clearly see, when the D3 Agonists are a-flowin’ (ie: during the adrenaline rush of a robbery), the Stupidium producing nerve cells pump out an excessive amount of stupidium to subdue the D3 Receptors, to nullify any common sense messages that they might send to the brain. This is just my theory, but it does explain the chemical process involved in the stupification of our criminals.

That, or they’re just a bunch of coked up fuckwits. Science is an untamed beast, I’m afraid.

Categorized as News

By Sharkey

I run bamf.

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