2003…do you know where your porn is?

by on January 4, 2003 @ 12:20 am

If you haven’t heard by now (which I hadn’t until about 3 weeks ago) there is a Britney Spears/Anna K Sex Tape supposedly made. My store managers have been debating the reality of such a video, but more importantly, where to get one.

I’m assuming you guys have just put me on your ‘people to give gifts to that you don’t know very well’ list. So let’s get cracking on that, shall we?

In other news, your friendly neighborhood Spiffie McLure has won the latest photoshop challenge in the latest poll. I’m only mentioning his name once, though. He used a picture in the new contest that I specifically barred from the immortal Imagery forum. Fortunately for him, the main picture to be abused was a Star Trek pic. So set your phasers to laugh and…uh….beam me up….scotty…..

….mini-me likes chocolate…scotty don’t!!!

If any of you fools think you have what it takes to play in big boy clone games go here and read the rules.

ok…i’m going to bed….

Yes. I’m still here.

by on December 23, 2002 @ 6:27 pm

I’m sure none of you have wondered where I’ve been at. Well, don’t worry. I’m not going to do a four paragraph story about my adventures for the past month or two. Not today anyway.

Let’s just say I went from making 3D animations for the government to working at a comic book store and renting porn at the video store across the street.

If any of you have been following the Imagery forum, you’d know that there are some contests going on now. If you don’t know about them then you are a green furred willum-rat who doesn’t deserve the goebaech you’ve been fed to produce all of those reel worms.

And with that said….

It looks like our number one fav so far is Skorn. So there ya go Skorn. Are you happy Skorn? I’ve said your name like three times now. Maybe one more time? Hmm? Skorn? You like that don’t you? Yeah baby. Skorn. Feel the Skorn. Just let the good Skorns roll. Skorn skorn skorn skorn skorn skorn….

The Lord Is Blowing Up….Yo.

by on November 18, 2002 @ 11:28 am

[Church backs raves to bring in young people]

The Church of England gave its official blessing to alternative forms of youth worship such as “raves in the nave” yesterday as part of its efforts to attract young people into church…Another speaker recalled that his cathedral ran a rave in the nave for young people and a service in a side chapel featuring Gregorian chant for older people. But, he said, the older people ended up in the nave and the youngsters in the side chapel.

Good lord. Now, I know there’s a church in Atlanta that is used by ‘party throwers’ to ‘throw parties’ and to promote ‘happy fun time party land fun happy land time’. It’s called the Tabernacle or the Flabberrapper …or the Crabbersackle…well, something that sounds like -abber and -nackle. ANYWAY, I know for goddamned sure that the motherfucking church is in no goddamned way of supporting any kind of motherfucking hellspawned demon rave. Not that I think raves are demon infested or goddamned in any sense. I just like writing about the church and saying goddamned as many goddamned times as I can. It’s sort of goddamned exciting to say GOD and DAMNED while speaking of the goddamned church. Demon trash talking or any mention of Satan should also be awarded with 20 points, or an honorable mention.

On another goddamned note, I still can’t believe this church is backing it up. Although there is entirely too much focus upon the whole drugs = raves = drugs taboo, I am not naive enough to think that there aren’t some dealers walking around in there with a grin from ear to ear, the light of some Jesus mosaic shining down upon them, and the selling of ‘goodies’ to some good little christian sheep that will have them sitting in the pews in a fetal postion talking some trash like “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams … glitter in the dark near Tanhauser Gate. All those … moments will be lost … in time, like tears … in rain. Time … to die.”

Someone actually felt the need to recite that to me one time at a rave in Memphis. After the girl with the fairy wings and a Yoda mask offered me some juicy fruit that somehow turned into a bottle of Sunkist which I drank profusely for 3 hours and then realized that I hadn’t even opened the can yet (about this time my flesh started melting into a drain that was convienantly located in the floor beneath my feet), I realized that it was time to stop doing drugs.

*insert Mr. Mackey voice here*

Heart Attaq.

by on November 13, 2002 @ 2:05 pm

[Air Ambulances Have Limits]

The weight issue “comes up a couple of times each year,” said Steve Noland, Life Flight’s program director. “It’s not just the weight, but also the physical size of patients.”

No shit? I’m sure there’s some algebraic equation for that. Too bad I suck at math.

Now, I’m not some fatty hater, like most of you would like to believe. To tell you the truth, I love fat people. Hell, if it’s fat, I like it. I’m sure most of you would like to sit back and imagine me in Papa Lovetti’s standing at the lasagna buffet counter with a crossing gaurd sign that says “stop” on both sides. I bet you even fantasize about me going to the mall and walking around the food court pointing at those people who have a very distinct and un-mistakable weight problem who are shoveling food down thier gullets faster than a cheesecake eating whale and then getting right up in their faces and yelling “YOU FAT FUCKER. JUST WHAT IN FUCK’S SAKE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!! YOU’RE DONE!!! YOU WERE DONE YESTERDAY!! TAKE A DAMN CHOW VACATION YOU FAT FUCKING SON OF FATTY FUCK!!”

Well, I might do some of that. It has nothing to do with their obvious weight problem.

I’m just mad about losing my job. Really. Hold me.

It’s Learn’n Time.

by on October 29, 2002 @ 8:17 am

Let’s Say Sexy/Nasty Things In Japanese

Since ‘the man’ is refitting the site to work harder than Steve Rogers at saving America, I’ve decided to take a break from my relentless game playing and comic collecting to stretch and massage the old grey matter. No I’m not talking about bukkake. That’s a different type of matter altogether.

I have a friend who’s about to leave for Japan in a few months to teach English. I had no idea how simple a procedure this was. Basically, if you speak English, you can go teach it.

I was wondering about the Japanese language lately, as I’m prone to do after my 2nd Red Bull, and decided that I’m going to learn some bran new words in Japanese and start cussing out my co-workers…WITHOUT THEM EVER KNOWING!!! EVER!!!

The sheer ingenious-ness of this idea has gave me a new lease on life. I’m putting up the bottle and grabbing the internet for a whole new roller-coaster ride on learning how to cuss in multiple languages…except ENGLISH!!! Hopefully by the year 2010 I’ll have completely forgotten how to say any sexually abrasive/degrading words in English and will be able to form sentances constructed from nothing but other language nasty sex words. Nasty Nasty foreign language sex words. Oh be still my beating heart.

…eh..That and 2.55 will get me a cup of coffee.

23. Such a lovely number.

by on October 23, 2002 @ 9:31 am

If you haven’t emptied your bank accounts into Sharkey’s PayPal account yet…we’re still waiting on you. Snap to it. Sharkey only gets a birthday once every 300 years when the full blue moon shows its dark side to the earth and the fairy elves of downtown Atlanta paint love signs upon coffee houses across the south, so break open those wallets and…

*gets pulled aside for whisper session*

…ladies and gentlemen, I retract all statements about the fairy elves. From now on ‘fairy elves’ will be referred to as ‘mundanely challenged fair folk’. In any case, our…uh…’mundanely challenged fair folk’ lord (aka Sharkey) shall be receiving his b-day cash deposit from me Friday. Hopefully this will put all those nasty things I said about his cleanliness and personal hygiene habits behind us. I think Pimp Chewy would agree that this is the best course of action.

And now for something completely different…OMG! K!D5 |]0|\|’T n() |-|0|/\| 2 r!t3!!

Sometimes Ritalin is not the best answer.

by on October 17, 2002 @ 12:11 pm

Couple sue over ‘vicious’ adoption

…The wife said in a statement that at a birthday party in 1999, the boy tried to kill her husband with a carving knife. He was just eight years old at the time. …

My sister was adopted when she was two from Seoul, S. Korea. By the time she was in her teens, she had threatened to kill me, my parents, god, the family pet, and the whole cheerleading squad. She had plenty of visits to the shrink that failed horribly, if not making matters worse. New diagrams (plans that Dr.Doom would have been proud of) were made and found by my mother. We were sure that we would have to erect a defense system involving lasers and an alarm system directly connected to the local military base for reinforcements. A year ago she moved out my parents house and is going to school at a respectable college. Today she one of the nicest people I have ever had the pleasure of hanging out with.The moral? I don’t think there is one. But I do know this…rapid fluid motions of a wooden spoon, hand, or paddle contacting upon gluteus maximus puts an end to that kind shit real fast.

End it. For the sake of the Earth.

by on October 14, 2002 @ 12:13 pm

Fucking Shoot Me Now

Mommy made me wear it...now she dies.. Ok, guys. Please, people, friends, countrymen, monkeys…for the love of all that’s holy…we have got to ban together and stop this atrocity. Nip it in the bud. At this rate, over half the people we know by the time we all have grandkids (or old enough to have grandkids) will be going to work in their ‘furry-suits’ and pumping gas in their ‘furry-alls’. I do not want to die in a world that is overrun by ugly fucks in animal outfits who think fucking animals is just a higher state of conscious elegance. I guess I’m a bit biased since I signed a contract with Satan in early 85′ that clearly stated:

…You will not die in a world that resemebles Seasame Street or a world that allows people to be so moronic as to wear plush synthetic clothing in order to pretend to be an animal as to avoid acting like the human being they were born as…if you do die in any of these circumstances your powers of complete cosmic photoshawppery control will be forfeit, you will be forced to play LARP games in hell for eternity…oh, and your soul is mine…

I cannot stand for this any longer. Please, I beg of thee, if you see these a kid wearing one of these damned outfits out in public, maybe at a grocery store, or tractor-pull, or maybe you know of one next door to you…I think you know what to do.


by on October 5, 2002 @ 6:05 pm

Some friends of mine built this game cabinet here in ole Hunstville, USA.


Take a look and email him if you know someone who would want to buy one. I played on it. It owned my soul. Buy all you want, they’ll make more.