Of Course You Can’t Shoot The Fucking Doves

by on August 13, 2007 @ 9:28 pm

This weekend marks the first time in a long while that I’ve been able to catch up on any gaming, so I dimmed the lights, put on some Barry White and cracked open a bottle of my Xbox 360’s favorite wine. Then I spent a half hour or so downloading the demos for both Stranglehold and Bioshock, and as much time as possible playing. Here’s my initial reactions to both:


OK, so it’s based on Hard Boiled, which is probably my favorite John Woo/Chow Yun Fat flick ever. It’s got everything you could want out of an action flick. Blood, Jackie Patch, and piss putting out a fire. The game, however, has a flaw from the first minute you start playing: there’s no jump button.

Yeah, there’s a leap feature (that enters you into “tequila time”), but honestly, if a guy can leap forward face first, shouldn’t he be able to get a little bit of vertical gain out of it? If you’re up high and want to cross some sort of gap, you essentially have do the fall technique and hope that the bastard doesn’t splatter when he hits the ground flat. I seem to recall that Chow Yun Fat had Yao Ming kinda ups in many of his movies, yet he can’t have his feet leave the ground without collapsing chest first into it again.

Other than that, the game seemed fun. I appreciate any game that shoves me into situations where I’m surrounded by 20 armed gunmen, and the solution is to dive onto a food cart and roll my way through a savage killing spree. Still, I probably won’t buy it because of the lack of any kind of jump button. I’m not kidding. Any third-person game without the ability to jump just pisses me the fuck off, and I can’t play it for more than a few minutes.


OK, this makes up for it. Aside from giving my girlfriend nightmares and a bit of FPS-induced vertigo from watching me play, this game did just about everything right. It even has a jump button, fancy that.

I liked the various special abilities that they give you, and it seems like it’ll be a good blend of FPS and mild horror-themed gameplay. I do not, however, like the fact that there are 8 billion things to pick up and potentially harm yourself by “ingesting.” There are cigarettes, booze, potato chips, and all kinds of various comestibles littered around the area, and frankly I don’t want to have to stare at each fucking one of them so I can figure out if it’s worth tapping “A” for or not. I wound up drunk in the demo about 10 times because I got bored looking at all of the items, and just started accepting everything my character came across. I won’t be able to handle it if they throw some seriously harmful shit into the mix later.

The graphics are fucking amazing, the controls are pretty decent, and I’m pretty sure you’ll get to kill at least a few evil/possessed children along the way. That’s pretty much all I need in a good game these days.

Well, that and a jump button.

Best Buy Discounts Galore

by on February 25, 2007 @ 9:20 pm

If you’re in the vicinity of a Best Buy tomorrow morning, you might want to stop in a grab a few games. Seems that they’re going to be slashing the bejeezus out of old game prices, for every console besides the Wii and PS3. Most of them are going for $1.99, with a few higher end titles going from $5-$10. Hit the link for the very very long list of bargains. Here’s a few highlights that caught my eye:

  1. $1.99 GAMECUBE – Legend of Zelda Four Swords Adventures
    It’s Zelda for a buck ninety nine. Don’t be a fucking retard, just buy it.

  2. $1.99 GAMECUBE – Legend of Zelda The Wind Waker

  3. $1.99 DS – Advance Wars
    If you own a DS, you must own this. I command it.

  4. $1.99 Xbox 360 – King Kong
    Yeah… I’m sort of kidding. The game may have sucked, but I’ve heard that it’s an easy 1000 points towards that Old Spice Challenge on XBL. Plus for a couple of bucks, you can have a game that is potentially really fun to mock while drunk or stoned.

  5. $4.99 Xbox – The Warriors
    Well worth your five bucks if you’ve got a friend to play through it with. Although I heard there was a very decent PSP port with good multiplayer as well.

TMNT - XBLAThere’s a lot of other great stuff in there that I didn’t mention, like the GTA’s, Castlevanias, and Beyond Good & Evil. This sale had better not be a bunch of bullshit, or I’m going to punch one of those tubby yellow shirted fuckstains in the kidneys until his pee turns red. I want Me and My Katamari for the PSP for five bucks, damn it, and I’m going to get it.

Also, for all of you 360 owners, Bongweasel let me know that the oldschool arcade port of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles showed up on PartnerNet (the developer’s very rad version of XBL, damn them) with a very odd frontend, but the same excellent action and online multiplayer. Let’s just hope that they bring this damned thing to regular XBLA users.

And if you’re waiting in anxious anticipation for the Halo 3 Beta to open up like I am, you’ll want to see all of the slick new leaked stuff that has been trickling onto the web. It looks a lot better than the last batch of fuzzy leaked screens. Time to finish up Crackdown post haste, methinks.

Ocarina Of Time, Neo Geo For Wii Virtual Console

by on February 24, 2007 @ 8:55 am

ZELDAAAAAGodammit, we just hooked up the 360 to XBOX Live (and obtained Crackdown), and now Nintendo just has to remind me that I’ve neglected the Wii for 48 hours by releasing more VC news. Apparently Japan is getting the MSX and Neo Geo consoles, as well as a couple of games, Eggy and Aleste. (Gimme SSII and Windjammers) Hopefully Nintendo will get on VC game developers to finally bring some online multiplayer to the virtual console, so I have an actual reason to re-purchase Mario Kart 64.

Oh, and there’s a little kick in the pants to US owners in the article as well:

And in other Virtual Console news, Nintendo’s updated the service with “Warp Zone,” which contains trivia knowledge on the games featured. Simply click on the clearly sadistic smiley face on the main menu to investigate.

Yeah, great, sounds wonderful. Except the fact that we don’t have it in the US… yet. Fucking limey pricks.

Oh and Ocarina of Time is coming to the virtual console on Monday at 9AM PST. If I didn’t already own the N64 and ‘Cube versions of it, I might be inclined to beat it again.

Spore DS, Castlevania PSP, and Other Erections

by on February 2, 2007 @ 3:09 am

Apparently the gaming industry wants to make amends for my Best Buy visit the other night. And they’re starting with a spot that’s close to my heart: handheld gaming.

  • Castlevania PSP – It’s essentially a 3D upscale of the 2D game (still has the 2D gameplay) Rondo of Blood for the PC-Engine/Turbografix 16. Not only do you get one of the best games in the series, rewrapped for the widescreen portable, but it comes free with a PSP version of Symphony of the Night.

    castlevania rondo of blood psp

    Looks like I won’t need to rip the PS1 version and use it on my hackified PSP after all. Here’s video of the game in action, in case you needed another reason.

  • Straight from EA: Spore is coming to the DS.

    Regarding both the Wii and Nintendo DS, Electronic Arts noted that the company has 15 SKUs in development for both platforms, including several original IP offerings. Confirmed titles in development for Nintendo platforms include My Sims for both the DS and Wii, Sim City, as well as official confirmation of a Nintendo DS version for Will Wright’s highly anticipated Spore.

  • Gamepro: Next-Gen Showdown – It’s a knock-down, drag out fight to the finish and the victor is:

    ….the PS3.

    ….. No seriously.

    I can see the author’s points on a few things. Sure, it has some major fucking titles coming out. Sure, it has hardware that can last for ten years. …but it won’t. When Nintendo and Microsoft decide to trade blows again in 5-6 years, Sony will be lacing up it’s gloves too, provided it doesn’t go the way of Sega. (it won’t) And unless that rumored price cut (rumored price hikes in Canada recently were debunked as Best Buy evils, not Sony’s) takes place, I’ll just have to do the unthinkable Sony.

    I just won’t fucking play Final Fantasy XIII. Yeah, you heard me. I won’t bother playing it. I don’t have to either. Out of the seven Sony-exclusive (cuts out the rereleases) Final Fantasy games, do you know how many I have beaten? Two. Two have held my interest beyond the oohs and ahhs to prod me into actual completion of the “epic” saga. Those two games my friends were VII and X. I haven’t beaten XII yet because… well, we got a 360 and a Wii. Zelda is a priority baby.

    Gamepro is basically hoping, with this article, that people will pay no attention to them… which we’ve all been pretty good at doing for the better part of two decades. Then after their longshot bet comes racing across the finish line in first place (or what it beleives to be first place) they can come running up saying “Ha! HA fucking HA! We told you we were legitimate!” Which is an excellent plan, Gamepro. Nice saving throw.

Crackdown Review By Bongweasel

by on January 20, 2007 @ 5:28 am

[02:11] Sharkey: are youi going to fucking tell me that crackdown gets better every time you play it
[02:12] Bongweasel: no i am not
[02:12] Sharkey: =(
[02:12] Sharkey: i want to leap fuckikng buildings and throw cars with glee
[02:12] Bongweasel: well you can do that
[02:13] Sharkey: at this point i could probably harm your average human, but id go to jail
[02:13] Sharkey: and it wouldnt be for throwing a car at em
[02:13] Bongweasel: but it’s going to take you a long fucking time to upgrade your skills to get to the fun
[02:13] Sharkey: ok but once i get there, is it fun
[02:13] Bongweasel: kinda
[02:14] Bongweasel: it’s fun to jump up to rooftops and leap around town
[02:14] Bongweasel: i haven’t upgraded my strength enough to pick up a car, but that might be entertaining a few times
[02:14] Bongweasel: you can pick up various other objects and throw them. it’s ok
[02:16] Sharkey: is that why you havent posted about it on bamf, or is it the laziness
[02:16] Bongweasel: a little from Column A and a little from Column B
[02:18] Sharkey: is it wrong that i asked that question expecting that exact response verbatim
[02:18] Bongweasel: i think it might be wrong if you didn’t

Nobody Steps On A Church In My Town!

by on January 18, 2007 @ 8:02 pm

Q&A On The Ghostbusters Game (thanks Squirrel Dave)

Basically these guys have developed an amazingly cool lookin’ Ghostbusters game that a Slovenia-based company called ZootFly is developing for various platforms, such as the 360. They are currently having a bit of trouble with the intellectual property holders, but they hoped to solve that by releasing some video of the game in action on Youtube. Thus far, everyone’s been positive about the whole thing. And based on this video, I can see why.

There’s no way that they’ll lock this thing up in development Hell over the IP. The rights holders would be pissing money away if they didn’t let this thing come to fruition.


by on May 23, 2003 @ 5:40 pm

For those of you that don’t know, Planetside is out. I’m already playing, and Sharkey will soon to be joining us. If you care, Markov is the server, Vanu (read: Protoss) is the side, and 0rion is my name there. Some asshat namecamed Orion there and never plays. Ingrate. Anyway, drop me a /tell if you want to join us. Of course, as many of you that hate me, you could always join one of the other two and try to kill me. Doesn’t bother me either way. Email me if you want more details and/or our “newbie help guide” my friend wrote. Word is bond.

Everquest Raid?

by on March 22, 2003 @ 1:16 pm

US: Ok, putting together a group for an Iraq raid…who’s in?
UK: Of course I’m in.
Turkey: Only if someone makes me new armor. Last Iraq raid I lost money on.
US: *sigh* Ok, I can’t make your cultural armor, but I’ll help pay for it. How much you need?
Turkey: 100k plat.
US: ***?! Are you smithing the armor out of platinum, ya tard? No frikking way. 30k plat,and that’s all I’m offering.
Turkey: Sweet. Ok, I’m in.
Spain: I frikking hate Iraq. They were spawn campin us for frikking EVER, man — long time ago, but we’re still pissed off about it. Meet you at Turkish zone line.
US: Cool, thx.
Italy: Me 2.
Chile: I’m in.
US: Ok, so far, got US, UK, Turks, Spain, Italy, Chile.
Bulgaria: Umm, got room for some lowbies? Thought maybe we could leech some raid xp …
US: Yeah, sure. Why not. Just don’t attack anything. Make sure to set up a /assist US hotkey, ok?
France: Hey all, what’s up?
US: Putting together a raid, hitting Iraq.
France: No frikking way, dood. Look, I’m part ofAlliance leadership, and I say no way do we go inthere. I’m using Alliance veto.
US: ***? Alliance Veto?
France: Yeah, it’s in the guild charter. Me, Germany, US, Russia, and China can all cancel any guild raid event.
Bulgaria: Hey, me and the other Eastern Europeans wanna go …
France: ****, n00b. Your guild got no say in this.
Bulgaria: ,,!,,
Germany: I don’t really want to go either.
US: …
France: Yeah, we veto. No guildies go to Iraq.
US: What about you, Russia.
Russia: Well, if everyone else goes, it’s ok, but if
France and Germany say no, then that’s cool.
US: Jeebus. Dood, show some balls. You used to love going on raids.
Russia: Yeah, but that Afghanistan raid a while back was a disaster. Total group wipe-out.
US: Yeah, but you were in different alliance, man.
This is different. Besides, we pwn3d last time we went on Iraq raid.
France: Doesn’t matter. I say no.
Spain: .tell US doesn’t matter if France doesn’t go anyway, he just feigns death anytime he sees combat. He’s a bu77munch. Lives next door to me.
Spain: Oops. MT.
France: Oh yeah? Well you skipped that WWII raid completely.
Spain: Only cuz I’d just come back from dueling, was too tired to raid. Besides, you died in first wave, spent the rest of the raid licking dirt and whining.
France: ..!..
US: Guys, c’mon. I’m trying to put this thing together, here… look, I don’t care what France says. I’m going, and anyone who wants to come with me can. China, you in?
China: *shrug* Don’t feel like it.
US: Ok…
North Korea has challenged you to a duel! Type /duel accept to accept or /duel decline to decline the challenge.
US: /duel decline
North Korea tells you: “Dood u r teh suq. I will r0xxorz u”
You tell North Korea: No thanks, guy. Trying to get a raid going.
North Korea tells you: “Ur just scaerd of teh pwnage”
You tell North Korea: Riiiight. ****, okay? I’m busy.
North Korea taunts you.
/ignore North Korea.
US: How come you’re not coming, Germany?
Germany: I’m just not into the violence anymore.
You tell Germany: Bullsh1t, you’re just waiting for us to go into Iraq so you can gank France again.
Germany tells you: Ooops. *blush* busted!!
You tell Germany: Dude, why bother? He’s green to you.
Germany tells you: It’s just satisfying, I guess. It shuts him up for a while, anyway.
France: I’m telling you, if anyone goes, then it’ll break the Alliance.
Spain tells you: Whoop-de-sh1t, this Alliance sucks. Let’s go anyways.
US: France, *** is ur problem?
France: I want to send scouts in first. Let them see if any named are up.
US: Ok, how long it gonna take them?
France: Couple weeks, maybe. Months, possibly.
US: MONTHS? ***???! Dude, I don’t want to wait that long. I’ll give your scouts a week, at most. We’ll reschedule then.
France: I may veto anyway.
US: Yeah, whatever.
/tell Spain Yeah, may have to. He’s a dipsh1t.
Bulgaria tells you: If you go, let me know. Me and my lowbie buddies are in.
You tell Bulgaria: Cool, thx. Are you someone’s alt?
Bulgaria tells you: Some of us were Russia’s buff toons, but we’re soloing now.
US: Ok, meet again next week. We’ll take things from there.