My ex co-stars can kiss my ass

Hi everybody, it’s me, Gary Coleman. You may remember me as Arnold on Diff’rent Strokes, or as one of the judges in the Hawaiian Tropic Pageantry. I admit I was surprised when the staff at asked me to write for them, but after awhile I warmed up to the idea. I figure this is a great place to voice my opinions, and let people know that I am and always will be an entertainer. That having been said, I’d like to use this first article to give you all some insight into my childhood, and what it was like growing up on TV.

The happy familyFirst off, child actors don’t get laid half as often as you’d imagine. I mean, when I was on Diff’rent Strokes, everybody was talking about how cute I was and shit, but they’d always end up screwing Jerry, our producer, or Todd Bridges, my TV brother. I was the damn star of the show. None of these people would’ve had jobs if I didn’t say, “Watchoo talkin’ bout Willis?” thirty times a day. I should be getting the tail. My first time was emotionally scarring. This fine woman came to the set on my birthday, and she started massaging my shoulders and telling me how much she loved the show. We talked for awhile, then we ended up going to my trailer. Just after we got started, the door burst open and everybody yelled out “Surprise!”. Todd had a camera and snapped a picture. It turned out that the girl was a hooker that they hired. Every time I got angry on the set Todd would break out that Polaroid.

I never got any respect. Like that Chrismas party where Conrad Bain got drunk, whipped out his dick and put it on my head. Then he says, “Look everyone, it’s a headrest! Get it? Headrest!” Everyone laughed, but they were all so coked up they would’ve laughed at the impending death of their careers. I pretended to laugh, then when nobody was looking I punched that old sonofabitch in the nuts. He didn’t think that was very funny.

You know what else pisses me off? I tried for a year to be an Ewok in Return of the Jedi and that bastard Lucas turned me down. I mean, I was the star of a primetime sitcom for years, and I get the shaft. Kenny Baker and Warwick Davis are two midgets who shouldve ended up in gay porn, now they’re immortalized in the hearts of geeks everywhere. While they’re milking the sci-fi convention circuit I’m getting harassed by fat women in convenience stores on my coffee breaks. There’s no friggin’ justice in this world.

Lastly, I would like to say a few words about my former co-star Dana Plato, who died over the weekend while I was writing this article. She was always the nicest person on the set to me, she usually didn’t join in on the horrible pranks that they used to pull. Of course, she was usually passed out in her trailer, but I appreciated that she left me alone. I will miss her, and I think we should all learn something from this. If you are an ex-celebrity on VH1’s “Where are they now?”, it may be time to take a serious look at your life and how to better it.

Peace out.

Gary C.

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