Old Skool Mofo: The $50,000 Kryppie

(Note this is a reader-contributed story. Yes, we actually read what you guys send to us, and are more than likely to post it here. So if you have a great story to tell about the good ole days, then send your submissions in.)

This little tale begins with two “guys i know” (definetly not me and someone I know) going to the Guttermouth concert that had graced our town that night. My parents were out of town as of 2:00 that afternoon and I was ready to party. I went to the beer spot and picked up a case and a half and invited a few friends over. We spent the day drinking and swimming in my pool until it was time for the show.

So we load up and head out. When we get to the show, the bouncer at the door searches me for the first time in my life and ganks the beer that I was attempting to sneak in right out of my pocket. Anyway, now I have just 5 of my 40 dollars for the weekend remaining. I get inside and meet up with my boys and proceed to attempt to have a good time. Some shit bands played first, and then Guttermouth finally came on. By the time the first song finishes, I’m crowdsurfing, drunk as fuck, and having a blast. Someone steals my shoe (these things happen whilst crowdsurfing) and sends it flying at the stage. Bouncer A (we’ll call him dirty cocksucking asshole, or Jim for short) pulls me down and throws me on the ground, thinking I had thrown it. Apparently these things aren’t allowed to happen at punk shows.

My shoe, just chillin’ on the ground in front of the stage, was right on the other side of Jim. When I noticed Jim wasn’t paying attention, I dipped behind him, picked up my shoe, and put it on. However, Jim notices me and does the whole grab/throw bit again with me and proceeds to tell me to “stay the fuck out”.

Well, what am I supposed to do? Being a member of Mofos Across America, I grab the first object i see a half-empty water bottle and nail that motherfucker right in the back of the head. He turns around and looks quite pissed, so I pretend to be into the show, jumping around and shit. But some fucker with a reddish blonde mohawk sells me right out with a big pointer finger right my direction. I was furious… a bro just sold me out. Fucking poseur.

So Jim wraps me up in the choke hold to end all choke holds and drags my ass out the door with a throw to the ground and a boot to the ribs. Fucker. So now I’m drunk and absolutely furious, $35 in the hole and didn’t get to hear but one motherfucking song! I waited months for this show, godammit! And just when I thought it could get no worse, the cops outside proceed to tell me something to the effect of “get the fuck out of here or you’re going to jail”.

I drop off all the people who rode with me to the concert, finishing up at about 1:30 am. I’ve got close to 15 beers in me and I’m in full drunk driving mode, and suddenly I think to myself, “hey, there’s a huge golf course style development being built right across the street.” And somewhere in my previous drunk driving knowledge in remember that from 6am to 6pm the place is deserted. I mean deserted with a capital D.

So with that in mind, I head over there and proceed to have a hell of a time haulin’ ass through these unpaved golf cart paths and brand new fairways, yankin’ the hand brake at 80mph+ and spinning to no end. Well HELL YEAH.

So after an hour of this I decide to head home only to find that at that same moment my friend “Bob” is being dropped off at his car, which happens to be parked in my driveway. I proceed to tell him of my discovery and invite him to join me for another trip to the course. He, of course, says yes, and we meet up at a construction site a few minutes later. He jumps in my car and we’re off.

I take him around everywhere I just was, spinning all over the place and having a good ol’ time. Bob decides that he loves it and begs me to take him to his car so he can drive the course his own way. I oblige and we jump in his car and do the same. But Bob takes it to a whole new level. You see, Bob drives a much larger, heavier car than me… and has a 6 pack advatage over me as well. He then proceeds to retrack our previous routes only doing tons more damage. I’m talkin’ 30+ donuts with ten foot rooster tails on brand new greens. We’re havin’ a helluva good time, drunk as piss and haulin’ ass.

We decide its about time to get out of there, as it’s close to 3am now. We do a few final handbrake pulls when it hits us the combination of the weight of Bob’s car and the sideways motion at roughly 60 mph causes the grass to do give way like a carpet. We come to rest on a soft, muddy spot and Bob proceeds to floor it. Thus we sink like rocks in water, and rest the frame right on the fairway.

It’s cool though… we are badassmofos, after all. And instead of panicking, we spring into action, digging like some motherfuckin’ gophers in a 3:45-fucked-at-6:30-when-the-workers-arrive last ditch attempt to get the car out of the mud, but to no avail.

Now, in our little spree we managed to get stuck a good four miles from my vehicle on the other side of the complex. So we hoof it to my car, now pissed as hell. We get in and go to my house, get a couple of shovels, a few planks of wood, and anything else that might help us get out of the tight spot we were in. We return and get to work on the car, but still no luck.

By now it’s close to 5:30am and the development is beginning to wake up. We’ve already made trips to numerous windows, but no luck everyone is passed out from the show. That is except for ONE true badass who wakes up at 6am, “Joe”. With two hours of sleep under his belt and god knows what substances in him, I explain to him the situation and he’s on his way.

So now me and Bob are sitting at the entrance to the development, watching the contractors arrive one after another, thinking to ourselves that we were soon to be in jail. Soon Joe arrives in his swank custom redneck-pullin’ 4×4 in all its glory. We proceed to haul ass to the car and yank that bitch out and just in the nick of time, too. Because its now 6:15 and there’s workers everywhere and the sun is well on it’s way up.

So in payment for “pulling” through in the worst possible situation, I gave Joe the only thing of value I had with me one knot of the dankest kryp I’ve ever seen. From what I hear he had quite a nice time with it later on.

As for the course? The 5:00pm news the next day reported that during the night, “vandals destroyed the ‘…’ golf course during the previous night, causing 50k+ worth of damage and pushing the completion date back 3 months.”

Now that’s a fucking night to remember.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *