The Pizza Dude Is Always Your Pal, Right?

by on September 10, 2002 @ 10:25 am

Whatever it is that pushes a person to commit a crime, such as robbery, must have some sort of chemical effect on the brain to override the good/bad triggers of the conscience. Unfortunately, I have a theory that another chemical is released during the actual act. I call that chemical stupidium, and the effects on the criminal mind can easily be seen in the following example from USA Today:

Robble robble robbleBOSTON – Two armed suspects in a pizza parlor heist tried to pretend to be hostages as police closed in, but were outfoxed by restaurant employees. Armed suspects Johnathan Ortega, 23, and Miguel Angel Correa, 27, allegedly broke into a Pizza Hut restaurant last week, tied up employees in the bathroom and waited for a time-delayed safe to open, police said.

The plan began to fall apart after the duo released one hostage, making him promise not to call authorities. Police arrived minutes later. The suspects then tied themselves up and pleaded with the hostages to go along with the ruse. Restaurant manager Orlando Reyes, 20, wasn’t about to play along. “I said ‘I’m going to go outside and tell police officers the bad guys left and you guys were tied up with us,”’ Reyes told the Boston Herald. The men were charged with kidnapping and attempted robbery.

There are just way too many stupid criminals on this planet, wouldn’t you agree? And based on our society’s ability to find a chemical reason for every negative facet of life, (like blaming your lack of a job on ADD) one must assume that there is indeed a chemical reaction behind the absolute lack of common sense contained within the criminal mind. If you’ll take a moment to peruse this chart I’ve drawn up, you’ll see what I mean.


As you can clearly see, when the D3 Agonists are a-flowin’ (ie: during the adrenaline rush of a robbery), the Stupidium producing nerve cells pump out an excessive amount of stupidium to subdue the D3 Receptors, to nullify any common sense messages that they might send to the brain. This is just my theory, but it does explain the chemical process involved in the stupification of our criminals.

That, or they’re just a bunch of coked up fuckwits. Science is an untamed beast, I’m afraid.

Unburden Your Souls, Sinners

by on September 9, 2002 @ 12:45 pm

Why is it that my stupid customers feel the need to lighten their personal loads when it comes to me giving them support for their websites? In the last week alone (I shit you not) I have heard the following phrases, just in general conversation:

“I’m on a lot of pain medication right now, so I’m a little out of it.”
“I started having hot flashes this week, so I’m a little out of it.”
“My wife’s leaving me, so I’m a little out of it.”

Seriously, I’ve never met you. Why do you feel the need to ask me to play psychotherapist when I’m just a guy who makes stupid websites and pretty pictures?

And why don’t we host any female porn stars’ official websites? If I’m going to hear about some personal problems, they may as well be interesting. Although that first call about genital warts would be rough…

We Were All Sick 5-Year-Old Dickheads Once…

by on September 8, 2002 @ 10:24 pm

Stuart Little's cousin Ike liked to get shit faced and cruise for bitches in his Tycho...[ Police Investigate Hamster Driving Toy Car ]

British detectives are investigating the mystery of a hamster found driving a toy racing car along a promenade at a northern seaside resort, newspapers said on Saturday.

The hamster, nicknamed Speedy, was handed in by a member of the public who found him cruising through Cleveleys, near Blackpool in the modified toy, which he powered by a treadmill.

“In the center is a typical hamster wheel you can buy at any pet shop… As the hamster went round and round it powered the car along at high speed.”

Show of hands, quick show of hands here. Who in the class has not ever tried to modify an animal or electrical device by attaching one to the other? And it doesn’t count if you didn’t own a pet. And if you were the shitheel next door who tortured someone else’s animals, you can kiss my ass. Buy your own dog, you twisted little bastard. What you did was for the purposes of evil. What I did was for the purpose of science. And Rover was the Beeker to my Bunson Honeydew.

No, there wasn’t much of a point to this post. I just wanted to share that picture of a hamster in a racecar. Why? Why the Hell not, you commie?

DVD Release Report

by on September 6, 2002 @ 7:21 am

This was the point where I realized that being a Hulkamaniac was about as cool as licking the inside of a Mexican toilet bowl.I just wanted to give you guys a heads-up on some grandiose films that just made their way from archaic VHS to the delicious DVD format this week. Save your pennies!

  • Captain Ron — (There’s guerillas in them forests, chief)
  • Little Big League — (Starring the kid from The Wizard! How can you go wrong?!?)
  • Mr. Nanny — (Hulkamania becomes completely faggotted up)
  • Monkey Trouble — (with Thora Birch, who’s boobies were seen in American Beauty)
  • Suburban Commando — (that’s two Hulk Hogan flicks in one day! Sweet Jesus!)
  • Surf Ninjas — (Ernie Reyes Jr. & Sr.?!? I can hardly contain my pee!)
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze — (Ice, Ice, Baby!)
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 — (Casy Jones, where were you in part II?!?)

I poke fun, but you know what the sad truth of the matter is? I’ve seen about 90% of the movies on that list.

So have you, dickhead. Don’t judge me.

Friday Morning Pleasantness

by on September 5, 2002 @ 11:51 pm

This image pleases me on a completely visceral level. I have no control over it, I have no opinions on it. The picture just makes mouths happy.

Eminem + Moby = Lovin’

Seriously, that’s one multi-millionaire flipping off another multimillionaire so that people like you and I will go out and pad their multimillionaire lifestyles. Ten bucks says that they laugh about this one over a fine glass of Cristal and a couple of 16 year old nympho fangirls.

Wish your fellow man a happy Friday. I’m going to bed.

Lets Have A Moment Of Silence…Then Buy A Ford!

by on @ 8:54 am

So like a million other fatheaded retards on this planet, I watched that American Idol finale last night. I haven’t watched a single minute since they got past the preliminary rounds, which is to say that when Simon finished tearing into hundreds of hopeful singers, I lost interest. But now it was the end, and they were obviously going to be awarding the contract to the chick who sounded like a less skanky Mariah Carey. Since the radio and television had both been pumping up this disturbing phenominon, and I also had the girlfriend rushing home to watch it, I sat down in front of the tube like a good little consumer. I’m glad they replayed some of the best smartass comments from the previous shows, because last night’s broadcast held about as much suspense and interest as a Jerry Lewis telathon. Even the runner up guy knew that he wouldn’t win. However, I did appreciate one moment. When they showed Justin his high school all gathered together to support him, I commented that he could easily bang any chick in that crowd without question. Immediately thereafter, one of the idiotic Brian guys stated the exact same thing. However, he did not add the tail end of my comment, “if he wasn’t a flaming homosexual.” Apparently to be the American Idol you can’t alienate the 14-year-old female crowd.

Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangeant. My main rant is that directly after winning, this Kelly chick has been selected to sing the national anthem at uh… some main event commemorating the World Trade Center attack. So basically we’re going to have this girl become the representation of everything that symbolizes America. Meanwhile, she’s hawking Fords and Coca-Cola to the masses and becoming a soulless husk of the music industry so that the masses will be tempted to buy her worthless single in a couple of weeks.

Actually, that does sound like a pretty accurate representation of the US. Capitalism at its finest, or lowest, whichever you prefer.

*salutes flag*

What The Hell Was That?

by on September 4, 2002 @ 2:06 pm

So I’m sure a lot of you are wondering a couple of things.

  1. Where the Hell did the site go
  2. What’s with this slightly changed look?

Let me answer those questions in the order that they came. First, we had a bit of downtime thanks to our previous hosts, who decided to cancel BAMFs account without telling me. Why? Because the account was cancelled by me, back in February. Except instead of me, it was really some anonymous troll who looked suspiciously like David the Gnome, and instead of cancelling the account he just sat around and smoked a pipe all day long. When the hosting company saw this, they apparently took it as an immediate sign of the forthcoming apocalypse and shut down our account. At least, that’s my best estimate of the shenanigans that occurred over at our (now) former host.

The slightly altered look is due to two things. First is laziness, since I’m working my ass off at my real job and don’t have time to implement everything at the moment. Second, there’s a new layout on the way, so why bother changing it to look exactly like it did? See, it all boils down to laziness, first and foremost.

I’m glad to have the site back though, even if the server move and the redesign are being rushed now thanks to that shitheaded, pointy hat wearing troll. Expect the old staff to return, email to be back online, and the new layout soon. In that order, I’d imagine.

Does This Mean No More Crappy Teen Movies?

by on September 3, 2002 @ 2:56 pm

Bolt Boy, get yo' skanky hands offa my man!Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe, Bolt Boy is going to be distraught. Seems that one of his favorite people on the planet has tied the knot, effectively ending their cinematic love affair. Send the guy a box of tissues, will you?

First came “Scooby-Doo,” now comes “I do” for Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr.

The couple, who appeared together in this summer’s talking-dog comedy “Scooby-Doo,” were wed Sunday at an undisclosed location in Mexico, their spokeswoman, Leslie Sloane, said Tuesday.

That’s a shame. But this might just mean that Bolt Boy won’t drag us to every single Freddie Prinze Jr. movie that Hollywood shits out from now on.

…what? You thought he was in love with Sarah Michelle Gellar? She’s hot, I admit, and I believe he would do the same. But you have to look at sheer statistics to unravel this mystery. Ask him if he’s seen more than five episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and you’ll probably get a negative response. But ask him how many times he’s seen She’s All That, Down To You, or any other Prinze Jr. celluloid crapfest and you’ll have the easy answer.