World Of Warcraft

by on December 14, 2004 @ 8:29 pm

So everyone should have guessed by now that I’m playing World Of Warcraft. I’m not feeling like making links and shit because this IS a rant, so if you don’t know what WOW is by now, you’re living under a bigger rock than I generally live under. Before I continue, though, if any of you care, I’m playing as Orion on Icecrown on Horde side. This was originally a Mountain/PVE (normal) server, but I think that they sort of just put them all into one big list now.

Alright, so I have been noticing something since the game came out. It’s a war of Alliance vs. Horde. You knew this. It IS Warcraft, after all. However, I’ve noticed that it’s a RACE war that Blizzard has put into their game. So you’re an orc, and you decide to dance. You start doing the MC Hammer dance. You’re a troll and you talk, you sound like a Rastafarian. You decide to dance and you’re break dancing. Your skin is dark if you’re a troll or an orc. If you’re on the Alliance, well, let’s face it, you’re WHITE. Even if you’re one of the Little People, you’re still WHITE. Wait, but NE’s get to have like blue skin and shit like that, and undead are all pasty and like Goth peeps. Well, Da Klan gets NE’s because the NE chicks are eye candy. Fuck it, here’s an example:

You know you want some...

Alright, what about the goths being on the Homie side? Well fuck everyone knows that Goth vampire wannabes are the dregs of western civilization and crackas everywhere wish that they’d just drop off the face of the earth. Blizzard just granted da good ol’ boyz their wish for this.

So now, of course, you’re wondering why I’m on Horde side with all this evidence suggesting that Alliance would be the better side to play. Well, if you play as Horde YOU GET TO KILL GNOMES! That and “DIE CRACKA” and “KILL WHITEY” have a much nicer ring to it for some reason. I think both of those were among my battle cries in COH for the week or three I played that game. Anyway, I’m done, I have some levels to get since I’m slacking in WOW and my friends have mostly passed me.

Fuck You And Your Stupid Ass Dog

by on November 29, 2004 @ 11:42 am

Would somebody please ask Scott Kurtz of PVP to stop using his stupid fucking Basset Hound as the basis for his comic strips? They are not funny, and frankly make me want to stab his fat ass with sporks, so that the plastic teeth break off inside his supple, fleshy exterior.

He did this one shitty strip about the dog called “Pet Jackass” that really made me want to douse my eyes with barbeque sauce. The only thing I can figure is that his wife comes up with these shitty ideas, and then he puts her retarded bullshit into the strips in the hopes of getting some more tail out of the bargain. I hope for his sake, he’s getting to blow a load in her face because I can’t stand another fucking one of these inanities. I like the guy’s work and all, but fucking stop with the dog crap. Why does he want me to hate this dog? I love dogs, I love them far more than I love fat cartoonists who cave into their fat wives. So please, for the love of God Scott. Knock it off.

I’ll be bahk!

by on August 18, 2003 @ 8:28 pm

So we’ve got a sequel to Copycat. About time, goddammit.

CAMPBELLS CREEK, W.Va., Aug. 18 Investigators have identified 100 suspects in three killings that have raised fears that a serial killer is stalking residents of this West Virginia mountain valley, the sheriff said Monday.

AT A NEWS conference in Charleston, where one of the three killings occurred, Kanawha County Sheriff Dave Tucker said that a task force assembled to investigate the slayings had arrived at the list by using known information to make a reasonable decision.

He said that the suspects were being interviewed by authorities but added that none has been taken into custody.

I bet he’s in contact with John Allen Muhammad just to make sure the technique is right.

So let’s cast the made-for-TV sequel!

Harry Connick, Jr
Out. Clearly. And not just The Closet tm.
Since we’ve got 100 (usual) suspects, that must mean Kevin Spacey is in as the mastermind-Lecter-Cullum-Soze-John Allen Muhammad.

Sigourney Weaver
She won’t sign on to reprise her role: she just has to emulate her bosom body, Jodie Foster (best known as “Tiny Titties” Nell).
Since one (Julianne) Moore replaced Foster, that makes the other (Demi) Moore the replacement for Sigourney. She has bigger boobs, and looks better in a thong anyway.

Holly Hunter
In. End of story.

The Sniper dun dun dun
This leaves us with our sniper. Clearly (there’s that word again!) it has to be someone stupid enough to get caught. It can’t be someone dark and tortured like Matthew Modine (e.g. In The Shadows). That means we’re stuck with a Baldwin.

We’ll have to amputate Paulie Shore from his cock, but Stephen Baldwin (with that added Suspects flavor) is just the man for the job. Assuming our project can be fit into his very busy straight to video schedule.

So there you have it. A made-for-TV sequel in just a few career re-treading steps.

Fair, balanced, and not in the least sensationalist!

by on @ 2:03 pm

I guess I spoke too soon:
FOX: Thar might be terrorists in them thar hills!

Although government and energy-industry officials have continued to state that Thursday’s massive power blackout was not an act of terrorism, they are unable to rule out the possibility that a computer hacker plunged 50 million people into darkness, a source told Fox News Monday.

There were also reports that Al Qaeda had claimed responsibility for the outage, although U.S. officials said Monday that those claims should be taken with “a giant grain of salt.”

So in less than a week we’ve gone from ‘teh terrrrrists haff not vun’ to ‘maybe they did.’

Next thing you know, Peter Gammons will be talking about trade rumors of al-Qaeda swapping Osama and a bag of peanuts for Ari Fleischer and the pole up his ass.

As if we needed more proof…

by on August 17, 2003 @ 5:50 pm


LANGLEY, Washington (AP) — An amusement park operator was killed Saturday when his hair got caught on a roller coaster car, pulling him up as high as 40 feet before he fell, back-first, onto a fence.

Doug McKay, 40, was spraying lubricant on the tracks of the Super Loop 2, a ride at the Island County Fair on Whidbey Island, when his long hair got caught on a car full of fairgoers, sheriff’s spokeswoman Jan Smith said.

Nowhere in the article does the word “mullet” appear. On the other hand, how many amusement park operators have you met who *don’t* live the “business in front, party in the rear” lifestyle when it comes to their greasy unwashed locks? It might also be reasonable to guess that he was trying to use the grease from his hair to lubricate the ride…but let’s not push it ok? We will assume that this man had a mullet before he was scalped by a carnival ride.

This is about the point where I have decided that this post should not become a post about mullets. Instead I’ve decided to honor Mr Doug McKay, 40, by writing his eulogy right here on (where we care about the little people.)

Doug, or “flyboy” as he liked to be called was a simple man. He always dreamed of someday becoming a pilot. His dreams were never fulfilled because the air force told him that his eyes are just too close together…a trait he shared with one of the men believed to be his uncle and/or father. Doug was steady in his resolve, however, and he did the next best thing to piloting. He became an amusement park ride operator. Many times he was offered promotions to the position of ring-toss guy or even weight and birthday guesser, but he always turned them down. I suppose he was addicted to the simple thrills associated with operating and maintaining the carnival’s flagship attractions…the rides. Doug’s tireless work brought happiness to many youngsters, even the ones who were an inch or so too short to ride the Hurricane or the Gravitron. Given his tireless work, Doug was still never too busy to show a young lady that trick he did where he put his entire fist in his mouth while he lit a cigarette that he had crammed up his nose.

He always said that no man could ever hope to tame the Super Loop 2 and it looks like he was wrong…Doug did tame the Super Loop 2…he just had a little trouble with the fence on the way down. Keep reaching for the stars ol’ buddy but have old Saint Pete cut that hair of yours when you get to heaven!

In other news, the Island County Fair employees declined to cut their mullets as a show of support for Doug’s family because they’re currently unaware of the existance of any other hairstyles.

Star Tours

by on @ 12:29 pm

Alright, I went to Disneyland yesterday. I got sunburned on the back of my calves, which pretty much sucks, but all in all it was a great time. However, something didn’t sit well with me. Star Tours. That’s right, Star Tours. When you go through the line to get onto the ride, it says shit like, “Come see the loveable Ewoks on the forest moon of Endor.” So you get on the ride, and then you’re supposed to be going to Endor. Then, later in the ride, you fly up against the Death Star. Big deal, right? Alright, the Death Star is completed, and it blows up, which implies that it’s at the end of Episode IV. That, or it’s a third Death Star long after Episode VI, but I find that a defeated Empire would be able to crank out a third one after the Rebels win. Alright, we’re making the assumption here that it’s the end of Episode IV. Star Wars Galaxies is supposed to be set after Episode IV and before Episode V. I’m getting to my point now, I swear I am. When you go to Endor in SWG, the Ewoks are KOS to everyone. My comment in the Star Tours line was that those little bastards are so loveable and cute until they attack you and kick your ass back into last week. LOVEABLE MY ASS! Alright, so why am I supposed to take a “tour” to one of the most dangerous planets around? Alright, you get the point. I’m done.


by on August 16, 2003 @ 7:43 pm

Holy shit I am soooo angry! I’ve got to rant!

Betty and Veronica. Always fighting over Archie. Can’t they see that Reggie is so much much better??? Archie has freckles and red hair and Reggie is so cool with his wit and charm and charisma. Betty and Veronica need to forget about Archie hook up their cabooses up with the Reggie train. Word up!

Will and Grace. Why won’t Will just get straight and tap that shit? I mean, I know the incredible irony of their chemistry being subverted by their sexual preferences is what makes the show tick, but something’s got to give! Word up!

Postmodern hipsters. Holy fucknuckles, would you people stop with the trucker hats and 70’s moustaches. I mean, I’m glad that postmodernism has finally trickled down to you bottom feeding future reality TV contestants. Really, I am. Word up!

Dogs. Gentle Jesus make it stop with the dogs. Cats are so much better, and it is so obvious why they are: because they’re not dogs. Word up!

Well enough ranting for now! I’ve got to go back to my pizza delivery job and do my homework for Remedial Math, and I have to make posters for my campaign for freshman class president! I’m soooo busy! Wish me luck!!! WORD UP!!!!

welcome to hell, motherfuckers.

by on August 15, 2003 @ 10:21 am

i really have nothing of value to say here, except that i have figured out how to post in this particular section of the website, imo.

and now, some proverbs from your zen-master, id:

whoever doesn’t see Freddy vs. Jason tonight, and enjoy it, will probably turn into some sort of flaming idiot. side note: you are already gay if you like Freddy more than Jason, imo.

what the fuck is wrong with the news, man. this california recall is starting to piss me off, and i am nowhere close to the state. could somebody please assassinate the governer, or something. at least they are now shifting their coverage from TERMINATOR GOVERNOR I’LL BE BACK to this whole blackout thing that happened in the northeast. fuck the news. people suck.

well, at least foxnews still has the tired “WAR ON TERROR” logo plastered all over their news programs. that is a classic banner that should never go away, imo.

oh yeah, i am suppose to be at work, or something. mindless bitching will pause for a while until i return and have nothing better to do, imo.