It seemed like a good idea at the time.

by on September 12, 2002 @ 10:54 am

Well, I knew it was going to be a slow day in the news when I finally rolled in this morning and checked CNN:

Motherfucker. Now that leaching an easy win off a major news source is out, I will have to rely on raw wit, that is unless NHDJ1 wants to shop me up some fookin cool pictures, hopefully with flying indians and ninjas and shit complete with a coke’d up Brittney.

I mean, what else is a nigger to do? Yea, Yea, I’m becoming predictable. Time to make fun of some queers!!!!

[Gay candidates perform well in primaries]

That is right, it seems that many or our rainbowed friends are branching from the realm of gay butt sexxorz into the dirtier but equally exciting realm of politics. According to planetout, many gay candidates who ran in state and local primary races have passed the first hurdle of winning elected office.

Take, for example. Daniel Cicilline, who won some sort of nomination for something:

“This is an incredibly, incredibly exciting victory,” Cicilline told the Providence Journal. “I can’t wait to get home and sucks some dicks to celebrate.”

Cicilline is expected to win during the general election, when he faces three little-known and poorly funded challengers. This trend is becoming rather frightening since we have all known from the days of gradeschool that being gay rots your brain and makes you want to eat puppies. It also makes you want to spend more time in truckstops, even if they don’t have cable TV.

But, it’s time to get on to the REAL news: A gay homo butt sex wedding@!! (I am not making this up).

“The gay newlyweds of the moment are championship tag-team wrestlers who planned to exchange vows in a fake commitment ceremony Tuesday night during World Wrestling Entertainment’s weekly “Smackdown.”

It was a whirlwind engagement: In front of God and everybody last week in an arena in Green Bay, Wis., Chuck got down on one knee, pulled a diamond ring from his tights and popped the question. Billy wept with joy, and accepted.”

“The audience, from what we’ve seen, appears to be cheering them on,” he said. “While it’s entertaining for viewers, it’s also enlightening. Because of its teenage audience, ‘Smackdown’ reaches a lot of potential bullies and gay bashers out there, and what Billy and Chuck are saying is not only ‘We’re here,’ but they also say, ‘Don’t mess with us.'”

Uh, messing around with GAY HOMO FAGS!!!@!LOL!!@ shouldn’t be much of an issue.

[Side note: The wrestling picture is fucking mine in the MS Paint Story Time thread, so don’t even think about using it. Unless you can think of something funny to do with it and shit.]

I am slowly realizing that I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed this morning.

“Ja mrzim mačke!!!”

by on September 10, 2002 @ 1:08 pm


A month ago we told how workmen painted yellow lines around a traffic cone in Huddersfield, West Yorks.

Sometimes, while I’m sitting here trying to work, I run across minor incidents like this that make me love and get wet in the crotch for humanity more and more. There sheer laziness of humans constantly astounds and amazes in the same fluid cosmic motion; much how a kick to the groin can be painful and enlightening at the same time. I’m pretty sure that cats are behind it somehow. The laziest animal in the world was a Megatherium.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a lazy animal. Except for cats. Which I hate. Because they’re cats. There must be some bit of cat in people who are lazy and can’t seem to get their asses up to do anything except run around the house really quick and then lay back on the cool tiled kitchen floor and nap for hours on end.

Then, when your actually taking a break from hating those useless bags of fur that do nothing but eat, shit, and bring diseases that are communicable by humans into the house, you try to pick one up just to say ‘OMG, Your so fuzzy-cute!’, and they scratch your damn eye out like the grim reaper slashing a barrel of grapes with futuristic neurotoxins that make your brain turn into jellified corn-syrup and causes your skin to flare up like you’ve been infected with some new strand of herpes.

Or something to that effect.

I know a lot of you probably own cute, cudely, furry and purry cats at your house or have a loved one who thinks the whole big wide world of her/his cat (more likely a her, than him), and that’s fine and dandy. You probably even think that when you’re cat comes and rubs up against you it’s a sign of love and affection that no one else in the world is going to receive except you because of your ultra-mega psychic cosmic love-bond that you have created over the years and is definitely not just a sign that the cat is bored or hungry or toying with the big dumb lazy human who never buys it enough toys to play with. Well, although you’d be horrible mistaken, I’m not on a rampage to convert cat-lovers into dog lovers or any such madness.

Hell, I love dogs, and dogs have their disgusting and unhealthy attributes as well. But at least your dog will feel sorry about getting you sick. I bet a Megatherium would at least get you a ‘get well soon’ card. If you guys n gals haven’t been reading this thread, then may the almighty have mercy on your soul.

The Pizza Dude Is Always Your Pal, Right?

by on @ 10:25 am

Whatever it is that pushes a person to commit a crime, such as robbery, must have some sort of chemical effect on the brain to override the good/bad triggers of the conscience. Unfortunately, I have a theory that another chemical is released during the actual act. I call that chemical stupidium, and the effects on the criminal mind can easily be seen in the following example from USA Today:

Robble robble robbleBOSTON – Two armed suspects in a pizza parlor heist tried to pretend to be hostages as police closed in, but were outfoxed by restaurant employees. Armed suspects Johnathan Ortega, 23, and Miguel Angel Correa, 27, allegedly broke into a Pizza Hut restaurant last week, tied up employees in the bathroom and waited for a time-delayed safe to open, police said.

The plan began to fall apart after the duo released one hostage, making him promise not to call authorities. Police arrived minutes later. The suspects then tied themselves up and pleaded with the hostages to go along with the ruse. Restaurant manager Orlando Reyes, 20, wasn’t about to play along. “I said ‘I’m going to go outside and tell police officers the bad guys left and you guys were tied up with us,”’ Reyes told the Boston Herald. The men were charged with kidnapping and attempted robbery.

There are just way too many stupid criminals on this planet, wouldn’t you agree? And based on our society’s ability to find a chemical reason for every negative facet of life, (like blaming your lack of a job on ADD) one must assume that there is indeed a chemical reaction behind the absolute lack of common sense contained within the criminal mind. If you’ll take a moment to peruse this chart I’ve drawn up, you’ll see what I mean.


As you can clearly see, when the D3 Agonists are a-flowin’ (ie: during the adrenaline rush of a robbery), the Stupidium producing nerve cells pump out an excessive amount of stupidium to subdue the D3 Receptors, to nullify any common sense messages that they might send to the brain. This is just my theory, but it does explain the chemical process involved in the stupification of our criminals.

That, or they’re just a bunch of coked up fuckwits. Science is an untamed beast, I’m afraid.

Unburden Your Souls, Sinners

by on September 9, 2002 @ 12:45 pm

Why is it that my stupid customers feel the need to lighten their personal loads when it comes to me giving them support for their websites? In the last week alone (I shit you not) I have heard the following phrases, just in general conversation:

“I’m on a lot of pain medication right now, so I’m a little out of it.”
“I started having hot flashes this week, so I’m a little out of it.”
“My wife’s leaving me, so I’m a little out of it.”

Seriously, I’ve never met you. Why do you feel the need to ask me to play psychotherapist when I’m just a guy who makes stupid websites and pretty pictures?

And why don’t we host any female porn stars’ official websites? If I’m going to hear about some personal problems, they may as well be interesting. Although that first call about genital warts would be rough…

We Were All Sick 5-Year-Old Dickheads Once…

by on September 8, 2002 @ 10:24 pm

Stuart Little's cousin Ike liked to get shit faced and cruise for bitches in his Tycho...[ Police Investigate Hamster Driving Toy Car ]

British detectives are investigating the mystery of a hamster found driving a toy racing car along a promenade at a northern seaside resort, newspapers said on Saturday.

The hamster, nicknamed Speedy, was handed in by a member of the public who found him cruising through Cleveleys, near Blackpool in the modified toy, which he powered by a treadmill.

“In the center is a typical hamster wheel you can buy at any pet shop… As the hamster went round and round it powered the car along at high speed.”

Show of hands, quick show of hands here. Who in the class has not ever tried to modify an animal or electrical device by attaching one to the other? And it doesn’t count if you didn’t own a pet. And if you were the shitheel next door who tortured someone else’s animals, you can kiss my ass. Buy your own dog, you twisted little bastard. What you did was for the purposes of evil. What I did was for the purpose of science. And Rover was the Beeker to my Bunson Honeydew.

No, there wasn’t much of a point to this post. I just wanted to share that picture of a hamster in a racecar. Why? Why the Hell not, you commie?

What the fuck are you doing at the ATM?

by on September 6, 2002 @ 9:25 am

This will be quick and painless.

I was in line to use an ATM to grab cash for a ticket to A Good Girl (a good flick), and this chick in front of me (I am not exaggerating) spent five fucking minutes at the ATM with her friend. What in the fuck could you do at an ATM for more than 5 minutes? (This is a movie theater ATM so no deposits or weird banking shit.)

As far as my experience goes, it is impossible to spend more than 45 seconds at an ATM, even if you can’t 10-key your PIN.

If I wasn’t so awed I might have kicked her in the beanbag.

DVD Release Report

by on @ 7:21 am

This was the point where I realized that being a Hulkamaniac was about as cool as licking the inside of a Mexican toilet bowl.I just wanted to give you guys a heads-up on some grandiose films that just made their way from archaic VHS to the delicious DVD format this week. Save your pennies!

  • Captain Ron — (There’s guerillas in them forests, chief)
  • Little Big League — (Starring the kid from The Wizard! How can you go wrong?!?)
  • Mr. Nanny — (Hulkamania becomes completely faggotted up)
  • Monkey Trouble — (with Thora Birch, who’s boobies were seen in American Beauty)
  • Suburban Commando — (that’s two Hulk Hogan flicks in one day! Sweet Jesus!)
  • Surf Ninjas — (Ernie Reyes Jr. & Sr.?!? I can hardly contain my pee!)
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze — (Ice, Ice, Baby!)
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 — (Casy Jones, where were you in part II?!?)

I poke fun, but you know what the sad truth of the matter is? I’ve seen about 90% of the movies on that list.

So have you, dickhead. Don’t judge me.